Does domestic violence always have to be a deal breaker?

[brightlightsandpromise]

Of course my gut reaction is absolutely yes it does. But life is never black and white is it. I am genuinely not in a DV situation, but i have had some arguments with DP where i have pushed and pushed and pushed, and how he hasn't lamped me one i don't know. We have been extremely stressed and sort of pushed and shoved but nothing else - in my mind that is not DV. My DP and i have a good relationship (when we are not up to our eyeballs in business related stres). Why start the thread then - well i was just wondering, because sometimes when we row i think, dont fucking push him over the edge because knowing my DP if he ever hit me he would feel he had to leave. So it got me to wondering, obviously there is abusive domestiv violence which of course is an absolute deal breaker, but are there times when people can move on from it?

that's good OP.

I think respect is the key. It goes both ways. If you genuinely are concerned about your behaviour then you should take concrete steps to change it.

I wanted to post because I spent so long in the wilderness with H. I genuinely believed him that I was just as bad as him.

I don't think it's misogynistic to say that some people do get off in pushing other people until they snap but this type of behaviour isn't particularly gender-specific. There have been some threads on here about women whos male partners deliberately annoy and distress them or stonewall them massively until they lose it: sometimes the one who hits out is the one who is being abused - or the relationship is irredeemably toxic.
What's your history of handling conflict with other people, OP? Do you like to have the last word with friends/colleagues/family?

Dittany,i have seen you talk about it alot....wondered if you had experience of it,or worked in the area of dv....

I've done that, OP - pushing and pushing to "see if" I'll get a physical reaction. I've also gone "Hit me then! You know you want to!" - just did that the once; it was wrong on so many levels, even I could see it.

I don't do that stuff any more. I don't need to. The reason I don't need to is that I finally understood I was trying to re-ceate my parents' relationship. Even though their marriage was the symbol of everything I didn't want for myself, I tried to re-create it. I picked men of poor temper. I tried to 'fix' them. When fixing didn't work I got angry. All the time, I was following an inner directive to live my parents' marriage and make it better. Poor cow (the old me.)

I didn't reply to your thread earlier, because of course violence doesn't have to be a deal breaker. Everyone's bottom line is in a different place. It certainly wasn't a deal breaker for my mother. I can never forgive that.

It is possible to stop what you've started, but you both have to buy into it. You can have stop words. On the stop word, you both take the 30 minutes and come back in a less frenzied state of mind. This does work - but ime, it lead to different kinds of abuse, where the stop protocol was harder to apply. Not to say every couple would be the same.

Dittany knows I also dislike her polarisation of things into 'poor woman, bad man' but I agree with what she's reading between your lines. I'm sort of hoping my post might prompt you to look at things from a slightly diffefrent perspective.

Stuffing, i am a brat i absoultely have to have the last word otherwise it kills me and that pretty much is the route of it all.

Do you know why you have to have the last word?

Yes, of course. However, I couldn't change another person. What I could change was my own emotional fuckedupness, so I stopped striving to be hit (as it were). I have no doubt my exes are abusing their current wives.

MH Good luck with that, many have tried before you!

Grace, it was interesting that you said you were trying to recreate your parents marriage for yourself, did you marry men who had parents had a marriage like your parents?

Sorry, strike that - my brain was on a different thread

Thats funny, im a feminist too! I just don't happen to think that extra bit of chromosome makes women right all of the time (just most of it ).

Would you PLEASE stop banging on about my huge DP pushing me around like a poor little lamb.Do you know get my point when you asked and i said yes, he is much bigger than me, but he has never ever hurt me means that he never does anything with any force. But i know im wasting my breath. I have never said my DP doesn't share the responsibility for are arguments. He is a twat sometimes - but it is ME that wont drop things, even after they are supposedly resolved.

You do mean well dittany and i respect you, but you really need to see that oftentimes there are two sides to an argument.

Mummy no, i dont know that - its almost like at the end of an argument i want DP to say, "you are right, i am wrong, i am shit and you are not and i still love you" Its the i still love you bit that i need. but thts just it, i know he loves me

Good question. X#1's parents had a wholly abusive relationship - she abused him emotionally & verbally, he responded with violence, she then spent 20 years not speaking to him or touching him :(

X#2's family was utterly different and that misled me - thought I was making a healthier choice. But they were emotionally constipated, never aired their feelings and, I found out later, had had many massive rows when X was small. Also it seemed his dad was a bit of a player - so his mum was angry. The parallels were there, but I didn't see them.

If i posted that my DP kept on goading me in an argument, wouldnt leave it, just kept on and on, and screamed in my face - you would be up in arms telling me he is abusive and to leave him. Why is it different because i am a woman?

whoever said about the time out word is probably quite good, although my DP might just think i've gone mad :)

Grace, you have got me thinking about myself and exh now, I think I was trying to be a bit more like his Mum not in the emotionally closed way, in the practical and etiquite way, that my Mother found either difficult or had no interest in, I need to have a bit of a reflection, now to avoid problems in the future about my part in things again, I really want to avoid that type of relationship again. It seems he has recreated the life of his current wife with her.

Bright, do you think that you are going to carry on with the same behaviour?

MummieHunnie - absolutely not!! I can be very masochistic for want of a better word and then manipulate DP into behaving in a certain way. Triggers are often weekends and i think he is guilty of almost getting into a pattern of behaviour. Not with violence really as much as rowing, most rows dont get to the pushing stage.

I feel positive because i know that changing my behaviour will change DPs. If it doesn't, well thats a whole different ball game isn't it. But yes, I (we) are going to change.

I am sad for you re your other relationships, but there are good men out there. I like to count my DP in that number.

How are you changing your behaviour?

oh gosh, you are not letting me off the hook are you!! I have to be less of a control freak, i have to not let tiny things snowball into massive dramas - i'm not sure how to do that :(

How do you think you can look at finding ways to help you change your behaviour?

Bright...even if you think dittany is on cloud cuckoo land iut woudn't hurt to call women's aid.