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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does domestic violence always have to be a deal breaker?

165 replies

brightlightsandpromise · 31/01/2011 10:33

Of course my gut reaction is absolutely yes it does. But life is never black and white is it. I am genuinely not in a DV situation, but i have had some arguments with DP where i have pushed and pushed and pushed, and how he hasn't lamped me one i don't know. We have been extremely stressed and sort of pushed and shoved but nothing else - in my mind that is not DV. My DP and i have a good relationship (when we are not up to our eyeballs in business related stres). Why start the thread then - well i was just wondering, because sometimes when we row i think, dont fucking push him over the edge because knowing my DP if he ever hit me he would feel he had to leave. So it got me to wondering, obviously there is abusive domestiv violence which of course is an absolute deal breaker, but are there times when people can move on from it?

OP posts:
ThePosieParker · 31/01/2011 11:46

brightlights....What do you do to keep yourslef busy and out of your DH's business? I have had to tell my DH not to tell me anything about his work because it's out of my control and so do not want anything to do with it.

Original poster
brightlightsandpromise · 31/01/2011 11:49

we do, its ok although i would rather not be outed thankyou.

sometimes i push and he shoves, its not good it has to stop. But you know when you can just see someone is at the end of their rope, that IS time to walk stop and it is ME who doesn't know how to do that not him. It would be unfair of me to say that he cuts me off in arguments, he doesn't its just that we can have a row and ten minutes after it has been resolved, im off again because i need the reassurance that he still loves me, if that makes any sense. There is no good me trying to do anything other than look at my own part in things really though is there. I am NOT a victim of DV and as someone said i dont think what we have done is dv, not how i see it anyway, but it is certainly something i don't want to continue with. Whilst it may seem like i am taking all the blame, that is not true at all, its just i feel that I am the one who can change it.

OP posts:
ThePosieParker · 31/01/2011 11:50

And Bright, surely if you feel there is more to say then there is more to say?

How does your DH deal with confrontation if it's his issue, iyswim?

ThePosieParker · 31/01/2011 11:51

There's two of you struggling here, not just you.

Original poster
brightlightsandpromise · 31/01/2011 11:52

Posie, that is an issue - i am a SAHM and i have too much time on my hands. I am looking for a job and am due to do some voluntary stuff. Its difficult for me to butt out of DPs business as i do the admin. Working together is not that romantic idyl i thought it was going to be :( We are both very strong willed and i can be very snappish when we are working on stuff together, it hurts to think we might not be compatible in that way, but i dont think we really are. Not if i dont sort my issues out at least.

OP posts:
dittany · 31/01/2011 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CaroBeaner · 31/01/2011 11:53

I suffered badly with PND after dd2, but didn't realise it. In some desparate sleep deprived upsets I hit dh. Twice he hit me back, a sort of fending off shove.

I took ADs, went for counselling, we went for counselling together, dh went on an anger management weekend because he had beeen frightened that he might really hit me back if I hit him.

I wasn't frightened of him, we are about the same size, and he doesn't see himself as superior of having any sort of remit to 'teach me a lesson' or 'keep me in my place', or control anything I do.

We have a very very happy safe marriage now.

Sometimes things go badly wrong, and can be rescued. Just like infidelity.

dittany · 31/01/2011 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bubblewrapped · 31/01/2011 11:57

Dittany, your posts are very negative. :(

I dont see an Op who is speaking in cliches of an abused woman at all. I see a woman who recognises that she has a problem that needs resolving.

ThePosieParker · 31/01/2011 12:01

He doesn't have to shove you, OP. He could walk away.

dittany · 31/01/2011 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
brightlightsandpromise · 31/01/2011 12:05

Dittany, it might be a cliche, but i dont live in a world of cliches i live in my own bubble.

I am responsible (i dont like blame) For my own actions, he is responsible for his. I believe that if we don't check ourselves this will become a pattern of behaviour. Neither of us want that.

This thread has given me food for thought and i have to make some changes, but i really only can change myself. Its a two way street but i can start by doing my bit. The reason i dont want to be outed dittany is that i am actually a more positive person now than i was. I am no longer on medication but i have become aggresive recently and i recognise it, im not going to go back on meds to cover it up, i have to face it. Its not always about fighting ones corner, it should be, as someone said, about working together.

OP posts:
bubblewrapped · 31/01/2011 12:06

She hasnt said that she thinks he might hit her. She says she is amazed that her behaviour towards him hasnt resulted in him hitting her. That is Brightlights recognising that she is goading her partner.

I agree that shoving and pushing is only a very small step away from more serious violence. It is immature behaviour, and isnt really at all acceptable in a relationship on either side.

Original poster
brightlightsandpromise · 31/01/2011 12:08

No No NO NO at no point have i ever EVER said that i think he might hit me. If i have said anything that might indicate that it is not true and i apologise for inarticulating things. If he were going to hit me, believe me, he woudl have done it long ago.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 31/01/2011 12:09

well a push or a shove can escalate very,very easikly.....what if he shoved and you lost footing and fell down stairs/into furniture etc???

domestic violence all starts somewhere. usually starts small and escalates.

you sound a bit frightened of him op?

mayorquimby · 31/01/2011 12:10

and what if he trips after one of her pushes?

Original poster
brightlightsandpromise · 31/01/2011 12:11

Thankyou bubbles - i think you get where i am coming from. Anyway, i am in a good place with DP at the moment, i didnt post this after a row with DP. I just recognise a pattern of behavioru that is unhealthy and it depresses me sometimes when i read, ah well you know - he has pushed you, next he will be stoving your head in with a hammer. That almost indicates that i might as well give up on our rlationship and I am a long LONG way from that.

OP posts:
Original poster
brightlightsandpromise · 31/01/2011 12:12

mayor, exactly - thankyou.

Not scared of my DP AT ALL, if i was, i would leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
brightlightsandpromise · 31/01/2011 12:13

i think what you say is true though Tiffany - it starts small, well nows the time to stop then. But i dont believe that the stop has to be a split.

OP posts:
dittany · 31/01/2011 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 31/01/2011 12:15

mayor....i'm looking at this from op's point of view,not her dh's,unless he's like to post his version of events here himself.

bubblewrapped · 31/01/2011 12:17

Dittany, you clearly have an agenda where a woman is never at fault. I really dont think that is constructive at all in this thread. Women can be the instigators of violence.

GypsyMoth · 31/01/2011 12:19

no,it doesnt have to be a split.....i stayed with my ex whilst he tried to get himself sorted.

he tried anger management,about 3-4 lots of it,anti depressents as well. none of which worked....he has a personality disorder i was told. so i could never have changed him,or he himself could never change....its just him....he's continuing beating up women in his northern town now as we speak....

so dont be fobbed off,and dont be thinking its not serious enough to get intervention now. perhaps you need more strategies to deal with arguments?

dittany · 31/01/2011 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustForThisOne · 31/01/2011 12:32

OP you should consider yourself lucky
continuos push and shove doesnt go down well with that many people at all

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