Does domestic violence always have to be a deal breaker?

[brightlightsandpromise]

Of course my gut reaction is absolutely yes it does. But life is never black and white is it. I am genuinely not in a DV situation, but i have had some arguments with DP where i have pushed and pushed and pushed, and how he hasn't lamped me one i don't know. We have been extremely stressed and sort of pushed and shoved but nothing else - in my mind that is not DV. My DP and i have a good relationship (when we are not up to our eyeballs in business related stres). Why start the thread then - well i was just wondering, because sometimes when we row i think, dont fucking push him over the edge because knowing my DP if he ever hit me he would feel he had to leave. So it got me to wondering, obviously there is abusive domestiv violence which of course is an absolute deal breaker, but are there times when people can move on from it?

What on earth for? seriously!!! my DP and i have had some humdinger arguemtns and suddlenly he is a wifebeater. I give up, i cant be doing with defending DP when no one will listen. I know the score and thats all that matters. You would have me leave an otherwise loving relationship over a few pushes and shoves - really?

I dont think dittany is on cloud cuckoo land at all, but she just needs to LISTEN, im not deluded, and im not a victim.

Dittany, i am now starting to worry you have me muddled with another postor, haven't been on mumsnet for a LONG time and we have spoken before i have never ever said that the only thing in common that me and DH have is that its my fault. The arguments are invariably HIS fault, in my eyes at least, but I am the one who goes OTT.

Its no use brighlights, you must be being abused and your DH ^must be a wife-beater, there simply is no other option at all. Dittany who has never met you or your partner knows far far more about your life and relationship than you do, obviously.

Perhaps that's it, dittany has you confused with someone else?

brightlights, OK the thread has moved on a way since I posted, try to set aside the stuff that doesn't resonate with you and try to see how you can work.

Shoving must stop. Immediately. If you can't do that, this relationship is harmful to you both and needs to be ended.

The frustrating thing is, was that i started the thread to question whether a one off act of domestic violence needed to be a deal breaker.

For me, its mine and DPs arguments that have to stop, the shoving isn't the thing, its the symptom of the thing. But anyway.

Dittany, you will only ever see one side of things and that is very sad because you completely ignored that i told you when he pushed me i landed one on him. You have also chosen to ignore more aggressive and intimidating behaviour, i assume that its ok then just because DP is bigger and stronger than me. SEriously, you have NO IDEA of what that man has put up with when i was ill - im too embarrased to put what i have done to him, but lets just say a shove pails into insignificance. He didn't walk away, he stayed - i am lucky. I am aware our volatile arguments have to stop, and i think the "power" is with me to stop it. Because the consequence of it will be if i don't, that DP will simply leave :(

pails, pales even!!

I have no problem to believe every word you say OP. I have known 2 women for 20/25 yrs who behave exactly how you describe, I have seen them in action (not a pretty site) and for what it matter a third one spring to mind, my mother not with my dad but with me (yuk imagine your mother telling you "go on hit me")
They wants things their way and always have to have the final word they will never ever give up, ever. Spoilt brat is the first word that comes to mind really I agree with you OP. Sweet. Not! They are fucking up every man and friend and getting away with murder. They also think that they are feminist I have to add, whatever that means on their books. Doormat is what it says on mine. Take one of them. She is asking her dxp to father a child she is having by another man. We(friends) fear that it may well happen too, cause she just wont let go. He is lovely and does love her. He is trying to ''resist'' but she will talk him around. Shame that real child father doesn't want to make himself scarce, bummer, but she will deal with that too. And she is a well educated, health freak, well off, charming woman.
She do not see herself at fault, ever.
So OP at least you can see what you are doing, you can choose to stop this behaviour, which I think is what you wanted to say when you posted. You want to understand why do you get a kick out of it, dont you?
You have not answered the question about your parents relationship, or may be I miss it, can you elaborate on that OP? I am interested. I have been similar, but much less intense, in one of my relationship but the latent feeling was there in all. (I am looking now at toxic parents to discover s/t about myself, quite interesting stuff)
What environment have you been growing up and what have been your models?

thanks for that post justforthisone, dont have much time to post now but i'll try. Lets just say that whenever i argue with DP, he will say to me, "you are getting like your mother" and he then goes on to day "but i am not your Dad" by which he means, if i carry on that way, he will leave and he would be entitled to. My parent's relationship was shit, which is why i avoided commenting on it, but well, there it is. My father never ever raised a hand to my mum, and i think i only ever heard him shout once or twice - BUT there was a lot of shouting going on in our house :(

Im well educated but im not sure that is relevnt becaues issues affect peole no matter what their education is. But maybe i can use my education to help me analyse what is going on and prevent it happening again. We never used to be like this, we have been togehter for 20 years this june and most of them have been happy. The last five years have been shit, and its affected our relationship and yes, i can see me being just like my mother and i hate it. Dont get me wrong i love my mum, but she was a bastard to my dad and i resent her for it sometimes.

it is hard to break a pattern of behaviour though isn;t it. I could feel myself getting wound up with DP today, its pay every money grabbing fecker out day today and i wanted to check that he had paid the mortgage, i casually mentioned it and he said he would do it presently (hes at work, would pay on phone). The temptation was soooo strong for me to ring him ten minutes later and say well, have you done it. And that is the sort of thing i do, we had an almighty row onf Friday because we were having problems with a client coughing up. I get so frustrated because i can't do anything about it and i ended up phoning him literally every 30 seconds saying, have you sorted it out, well sort it now, dont fucking come home until you have - most men would have just not come home :( my poor DP (admittedly after i let the clients husband have it between the eyes and sorted the problem - my DP is too bloody soft, much like my dad) came home with a bottle of wine for me Thats the sort of thing that provokes him to reach the point where i think, you know, if i push you much more you are going to punch me - he hasn't yet. But could you honestly blame him if he did

Thankyou for believing me, seriously, it means alot

It sounds like you have done what Grace did!

glad it meant s/t for you OP

and now I may just consider name change pronto as I am already scared she may read it and recognise herself

Can I offer some ideas?

Do you 'catastrophise'? That is, when something goes wrong, are you all "That's IT! EVERYTHING'S going wrong! The WHOLE DAY's been ruined!" etc?
When something goes wrong, stop for a sec and ask yourself "How can this be fixed? If it isn't fixed, what's the worst that can happen?" Then do something constructive about it :)

Another big one is 'eternity thinking'. The next-door neighbour said your music was too loud, so that's IT! She'll NEVER speak to you again! You CAN'T look her in the eye! ... etc. In reality, nothing lasts for ever and most things, like bad moods and bad weather, are over before you know it.
When you feel AWFUL about something, ask yourself how long it's likely to last really. Then occupy yourself with something else until it's over.

Most hair-trigger people are 'black & white' thinkers. This is never going to get you anything except a heart attack, as the world simply doesn't operate on a binary Yes/No basis. Instead of making snap judgements, ask for other viewpoints (in real life, or read about them) and consider their merits. Always try to see another angle. Always try for a 'win-win' compromise instead of a win-lose battle.

Lastly, a strategy is worth a hundred tactics. If you often feel cornered in some way, work out what causes it and where you want to get in the long term. Keep your final objective in mind instead of bogging yourself down with details. Great generals know you sometimes have to concede a battle in order to win the war.

I wrote this ages ago & haven't caught up with your thread yet - sorry if I'm missing any major developments! Didn't want to waste all that typing ...

I don't know OP but I am in domestic violence hell right now. I didn't think it would happen to me but it is right now.

It's only just started but it's escalated so quickly. My husband hit me in the head a couple of days before Christmas while I was holding our baby son; because he said I was 'hysterical' (I was not) and that is the only way to treat hysterical women.

A week later we were arguing and he wanted to use my computer to download something. As we were arguing and he was criticising my physical appearance for having a saggy tummy and stretchmarks post childbirth I told him that I wasn't going to let him use it if he could talk to me like that and I unplugged the laptop. He was very angry and I went into the bathroom and locked the door; he told he that he would hit me if I did not give it back and he forced the door open and broke the lock. He then ran after me and punched the Christmas tree so hard that it smashed some baubles and lights and he said he thought he had broken his hand.

I was so scared I ran into the street twice with no shoes or socks but was forced to come back as I cannot drive and have nowhere to go and our son was crying upstairs in the cot.

My husband has not really apologised or taken any responsibility for his actions and said that it is my fault as I have provoked him and that he was tired.

A few nights ago when our son was crying and I asked him if he could take him downstairs so I could get some sleep as lack of sleep triggers my bipolar, while he could nap later in the day he stated that if he went without sleep he would become violent again.

I have asked him to leave and very reluctantly he has gone. I think maybe an isolated incident a relationship may be able to survive but only if the perpetrator takes full responsibility for their actions and agrees to seek help. When you want to deliberately hurt or frighten your partner it is a sign that your relationship needs outside help.

I don't know what will happen now. Our relationship was rocky but it probably could have been pulled back with proper support had he not become violent. Now, I don't think it can. I have lost all trust in him and most of my love now.

I remember the good times, but I think whatever happens now I will always think 'but you hit me' and there is no justification for that. My husband regrets things in that he has left the house but I don't think he regrets the acts themselves because in his mind they were justified.

It's shit. It really is

Yours is such a sad story, itsnotjustaslap. Thank you for telling it, and congratulations on having the strength & sense to realise what was happening and call time.

brightlights, you're trying really hard not to think about how your mum's behaviour reflects in your own life, aren't you? Look, this isn't some sort of genetic defect or a family curse. It's simply that, as a child, you're hard-wired to consider your parents perfectly wise and perfectly right. Your eager little head absorbs everything they do & say, every little twitch and habit, every sign of emotion, and stores it all away as "What grown-ups do". As a girl, you especially model yourself on your mum - as I did, despite consciously deciding not to.

You can un-learn it.

I threw a chair at DH once. I have no previous or subsequent episodes of violence. My reflexes never usually work like that. Bless him, all he could say afterwards was "I made you throw that chair at me." Which in a sense he had wound me up incredibly, just beyond the point of no return. Saw red, threw a chair. It was the nearest thing to hand. He sidestepped the chair btw.

So no, I don't think one strike and you're out.

That's awful notjust. I hope you get yourself out of the situation soon.

Sounds like my x. He never regretted anythign because I drove him to it, made him mad. that's if he remembers it at all.

Get out sooner rather than later. It's hard accepting that the relationship is over, but you might as well accept that in peace and safety, as try to accept it under the same roof.

oh he's left. Good...

Now you can enjoy your baby's early years without being screamed at, abused, tiptoeing round somebdoy etc....

itsnotjustaslap - thankyou for sharing that, how absolutely awful for you. You have so done the right thing by making him leave - i hope you manage to sort things out practically and don't ever take this man back . This is the one strike and your out scenario clearly highlighted. I think you are very brave.

I think you are right Grace, i love my mum, she is a lovely person, but she can be a bloody cow - feel crap for saying it but it is true. I can be just like her totally unreasonable and a little bit scary! Anyway i have to recognise it and not fall into the same cycle. Your other post about me catastrophising is SPOT ON, that is so me - the slightest little thing is a drama, anything major is armageddon. I dont know why.

Quattro, that is what i was meaning by my original post.

Thankyou for all of your replies everyone, i have found them ALL really useful in what started as a general opinion seeking idea to making me look at my own relationship and realising things have to change.

years ago I made myself a lovely painting to hung by the bathroom sink with the writing "com part ment alize ! "
not subtle but hey it helped
(in line with Grace strategy)

I like that, JustFor!

By the sound of things, brightlights, your mum is totally unfamiliar with 'the middle way' (the one most of us pursue) so you would never have learned to leave the details alone while you work on the big picture, or how to accept that a job done this evening is the same as a job done this minute.

If it helps you any ... It makes you look like that old feller with the white moustache in Dad's Army, who's always fussing about instead of doing what matters!

There's a useful little book by Richard Carlson, called "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff". Have you seen it?

Grace, can you share a little more about "The Middle way" please, I have found what you have written so helpfull, as someone who has been retraining for the past few years from being a black and white /all or nothing, thinker!

yes me tpp grace :)

me too!!