Twins / 3rd preg / termination?

[ForLilacStork]

trying for a third but have found out it’s twins. We have a 3 and 6 year old already and twins hadn’t even crossed my mind.
I have some health issues which terrify me + the anxiety I’m already feeling which are making me lean toward termination, but I don’t know how I’m going to feel after.

atm I wake up depressed, sad and sick (plus being sick ALL day) and just want it be over and wish it would just go away but I feel so guilty because we wanted one kid, not two.

we are fortunate to have family around but I can’t help but think how much are they really going to help? People are so busy with their own lives that the help is short lived.

then there’s the issue of how I’m going to manage 4 kids, 4 schedules, working, husband that works long hours etc
hubby is happy to support me no matter what but would be thrilled to have two more.

we live an easy life right now and I don’t want to struggle (mentally, physically, emotionally, financially) but is this selfish?

I’m also entirely terrified of what it will do to my body + have had two natural births but have already been told I’d be having a C-section which I’ve already had a really hard time processing.

Is there anything that helped you make this decision?

If you have health issues that terrify you what was your thinking behind having another child

I’m not saying men have to be the primary caregivers, but if your wife becomes pregnant, the responsibility to help raise that child lies squarely on you. Walking away from your children and abandoning them doesn't make you a man but it gives you a mark of a coward. That's what my comment above was about

Who else does OP have to consider other than herself? This is a decision which should be entirely selfish.

Other than herself.....OK let's think if the two humans she us carrying. What did they do to deserve to die other than being two of them
Disgusting.....that's rich.

Do not be ridiculous. They are not humans.

Hi @ForLilacStork

Ignore all this "oh you must have considered it might be twins" drivel, because no, most people don't. Of course you could have had triplets etc but much like people don't plan ever day for their diagnosis of cancer (I mean, why not, it happens to 1 in 2 of us right?) a lot of us deal with unexpected news the day it hits us.

My twins are nearly 7. When I was pregnant (didn't know it was twins at the time, but already had DC so knew what pregnancy felt like) I genuinely went to my Dr and said I thought I was dying. That's how bad I felt. I thought I was terminally ill.

When the sonographer announced it was twins, DH and I turned the air blue, in shock. Then I cried. I don't know why really. Then we went and sat in a room for "non standard" pregnancies, and I don't really remember much of that.

It was intense excitement and absolute shock and despair, plus I felt like I was seriously, gravely ill.

I can confidently say now that I wish all my children were twins. The first 3 months are brutal. But after that? Being a twin mum is a something not many get to experience. It's beautiful. Of course there are days they drive me to distraction. Like any child can, and there's 2 of the buggers. It's hard on the double nappies double bottles, doubles baths, double night feeds. But that passes. And for me it's beyond worth it.

Yes it's expensive. And maybe I wouldn't be waxing lyrical if we were permanently skint.

I'm not trying to talk you out of terminating. At all. But just want to give the perspective from a mum of singletons and of twins, that they are not something that people should put the fear of god into you about. People did with me and it made me stressed all through my pregnancy. Oh my god, how will you cope? Turns out, fine. Better than fine.

Whatever happens, you will make the right decision for you and your family.

Good luck, whatever you choose x

I have twins and they are a joy. There is a risk of premature birth with twins, especially if they are identical as mine are. They were born at 30 weeks so 10 weeks of NICU/ SCBU which was hard but we got through it. You get into a routine with twins and honestly its not much different to a singleton. I had one via vaginally delivery and second twin was breach so C section for her. You do heal up fast enough after a C section. It might be a bit of a pinch financially but actually it sounds like you are doing ok in that department? Really i think you will be absolutely fine.

Just read a comment about sperm. Well, sperm and eggs on their own do not equal a life, millions of them never lead to a pregnancy. But an embryo is alive and developing. An embryo is carrying the very same gift of life that you hold- would you like anyone to take yours away? I dont think so

Not feeling sadness, guilt, or any particular emotion after having an abortion is one thing. But being proud of it and actively promoting it is a whole other level. Does not feeling anything make you feel superior to others? As if a life ending is something to celebrate rather than something to reflect on?

I was unplanned myself, and my mum could have seen me as a mistake, but she never would have considered abortion. She made things work, and I’m forever grateful that she did. Because of her, I’m here today, living a wonderful life that I wouldn’t trade for anything.

Who’s proud of it and actively promoting it? It was a medical procedure, just like many I’ve had. I don’t feel guilty about having them, and I don’t feel guilty about having an abortion. Just because you clearly think that having an abortion is a dirty thing that openly discussing makes you proud of doesn’t mean that talking about it means I’m proud. It’s a fact. It happened to me. I’m not ashamed of it just like i’m not proud of it. I feel nothing about it.

You don’t get to try and force manipulative language on people who have had an abortion. By the way, I was also unplanned, born to a teenage mother. If she aborted me, do you know what I would feel about it? Nothing! Because I wouldn’t know.

Being grateful that your mum chose to continue her pregnancy is completely valid. But your experience doesn’t mean everyone else has the same circumstances, support, or choices available to them.

Not feeling sadness or guilt after an abortion doesn’t mean someone feels superior to others, nor does it mean they see life as meaningless. People can feel at peace with a that decision without believing that everyone else should make the same one. Being open about that experience or advocating for reproductive rights isn’t necessarily celebrating the ending of a life, it can be about ensuring others have the freedom to make decisions about their own bodies and futures.

You can be grateful your mum made the choice she did without assuming that someone who makes a different choice is heartless, proud of ending a life, or lacking the capacity for reflection. Gratitude for your own existence and compassion for people whose circumstances differ from yours can coexist.

I have 3 and I wish we had had a fourth. Not because I want loads of kids (the third was completely unplanned) but because an odd number of kids means someone is always left out. It might be a blessing in disguise when they are able to amuse each other.

Not once did I say in my posts that abortion is a “dirty thing.” I’m questioning why women who already have children and understand what raising a child involves decide to have another pregnancy and then change their minds.

There’s also a difference between feeling nothing and proudly promoting how you had an abortion on your sofa, went out afterwards, and never thought about it again.

Everyone processes things differently, but telling women it’s “nothing” when many struggle deeply with it is another thing. Not feeling regret is one thing; promoting a lack of empathy as something to be proud of is bizarre.

You say you never called abortion a “dirty thing”, but saying you’d be concerned if a woman went through an abortion and didn’t feel bad about it certainly implies that you believe there’s something wrong with it, regardless of what their circumstances are.

You keep accusing me of promoting a lack of empathy, but I haven’t. I shared my personal experience, which you seem determined to interpret as something sinister simply because I didn’t experience guilt or regret.

I never said abortion is “nothing” for everyone, nor have I dismissed women who struggle emotionally with their experiences. I’ve explicitly acknowledged that some women do. My point is that many women don’t, and that’s equally valid.

You’re also confusing being open about an experience with being proud of it. I mentioned having my abortion at home and going out the next day because that’s what happened. I wasn’t boasting, celebrating or asking for praise. I was explaining that it wasn’t a traumatic experience for me, because you seem to be insisting it MUST be for all women. Medical abortions at home are a recognised and routinely offered option in the UK. In fact, it was encouraged by the clinic as being the least traumatic way for me to access it at that date in pregnancy.

You’re entitled to your own feelings about abortion, just as I’m entitled to mine. But your personal belief that abortion should carry emotional weight doesn’t mean every woman has to experience it that way. I completely understand that some women struggle with abortion without having to pretend that I struggled with mine. That isn’t a lack of empathy, it’s simply recognising that women are individuals with different experiences.

I for one will not be ashamed of talking about my abortion, even if that means I get accused of promoting it. If it helps one woman stop feeling shame about hers then I’m happy.

Ultimately no one owes other people a specific emotional reaction. The OP has potential legal options at the moment and the feelings of strangers on the internet are neither here nor there anyway. This is something for OP to consider along with any moral or personal beliefs.

I only know of one woman who had an abortion when she was 16 and her parents were not keen on supporting her with pregnancy. She felt terrible afterwards. Maybe it was worse for her because she was 16 week as she hid it from her parents. Many years later she went on to marry and have 2 DC but she told me she still wishes she'd kept her first baby. She knew it was a boy and she had 2 DD's and would have loved a baby boy.

Posted too soon. Abortions today especially early ones are much easier.

I had a failure of contraception with a 4 year old and 3 year old, I was really shocked and worried I couldn’t cope and also considered termination.

Realising it would be hard day to day with 4 children but also living with myself after a termination would be difficult too.

I had the twins at 40 weeks (induced)! And it was really hard for 6 months but after that it was lovely, they slept ate and played at the same time whilst also amusing each other.

My first 2 were 18 months apart and that was much more difficult, for me it was the right decision having 4 becomes a real team and support for each other in the trials life throws at us.

Good luck in whatever you choose.

I was one of the women who struggled deeply afterwards, despite the decision not being a hard one at all. I think it’s great that other women don’t struggle.

Do you question every change of mind every person has?

Other women’s decisions about their own medical procedures do not affect you in any way, shape or form. Stop trying to police their decisions.

I’m also not sure how you’d ever explain that to the surviving baby, letting them know they were a twin. Oh gosh, this makes me feel so very sad.

@StockingsByTheFire I think I could have written your post! Oh god, the first 3 months are such a blur. I only ever wanted 2 kids and I ended up with 3. I called my son (youngest twin) my bonus baby. He absolutely completes me. I feel so incredibly lucky to have all my kids. My twins (boy and a girl) currently live in opposite sides of the world, and call each other regularly. They are really close.

How is this in any way helpful or relevant? Your friend has no relevance to this woman and her choice. You’ve basically just come on this post to share your incredibly bias agenda.

Why on earth would she tell it?

Why shouldn’t you be proud of having an abortion? Why should you feel shame/guilt/sadness? It’s an essential and safe medical procedure to remove a bunch of cells from your body. Making a choice to do the best thing for you and your body and your mental health is something to be proud of imo.

Jesus Really?