Twins / 3rd preg / termination?

[ForLilacStork]

trying for a third but have found out it’s twins. We have a 3 and 6 year old already and twins hadn’t even crossed my mind.
I have some health issues which terrify me + the anxiety I’m already feeling which are making me lean toward termination, but I don’t know how I’m going to feel after.

atm I wake up depressed, sad and sick (plus being sick ALL day) and just want it be over and wish it would just go away but I feel so guilty because we wanted one kid, not two.

we are fortunate to have family around but I can’t help but think how much are they really going to help? People are so busy with their own lives that the help is short lived.

then there’s the issue of how I’m going to manage 4 kids, 4 schedules, working, husband that works long hours etc
hubby is happy to support me no matter what but would be thrilled to have two more.

we live an easy life right now and I don’t want to struggle (mentally, physically, emotionally, financially) but is this selfish?

I’m also entirely terrified of what it will do to my body + have had two natural births but have already been told I’d be having a C-section which I’ve already had a really hard time processing.

Is there anything that helped you make this decision?

@Loverurarliving01

what’s to be gained by making women “feel bad” about it though?

living in a shitty, misogyny filled patriarchy means most women feel pretty bad a lot of the time anyway if it’s any consolation to you….

'woman willingly opening her legs to welcome a sperm'

You are clearly a misogynist. Don't lecture me about intellectual arguments, your posts come across as the rantings of a simpleton.

Sorry but you’re acting as if having an abortion is the only choice that involves mental, physical and emotional turmoil. Carry a baby/babies you don’t want involves that turmoil too? Birthing the baby, raising the baby, parenting the baby for the rest of your life can also result in massive upheaval and trauma. Your very tone and language reeks of internalised misogyny too. The vast majority of women aren’t just getting pregnant and going OOP but it’s okay because I’ll just get an abortion! I don’t know a single person who has used abortion as free and easy contraception. All this talk of taking responsibility, women freely ‘opening their legs’. You’re gross, I can’t believe people like you actually walk among us.

While there is always a place for education etc. Sometimes we have to view women as human beings who have complex emotions and situations which need to be considered. Minds can change and people (and maybe even you!) Make mistakes. The poor OP has found herself in quite a challenging situation and it's a bit too bloody late for "didn't you consider twins?" Now isn't it?

if you decide to keep them it WILL be fine. We are resilient and you will find a way. You will , honestly. And you'll forget life without them. I think the shock and nausea is making it all seem a lot more impossible. I'd get some rest. Take a few days off to process it and go and talk to someone about it. If you decide you really can't cope it's your decision and no one should really judge you for it.

Maybe that’s your experience, but not mine. I absolutely love being a woman and find it incredibly empowering. To me, empowerment means taking ownership of my decisions, not blaming society for everything.

Women are capable of understanding that sex can result in pregnancy. Supporting women doesn’t mean removing personal responsibility, and having the right to choose doesn’t mean being exempt from the consequences of our choices.

I have a friend who had an unplanned pregnancy. She already had four children and the new pregnancy turned out to be twins.

She felt absolutely awful the whole pregnancy. Very very sick and tired and in dread of how she’d cope with twins.

Tragically, she was suffering from an undiagnosed liver condition and was very very ill. One of the babies was stillborn and one survived. She felt absolutely wracked with guilt about having wished the twin pregnancy away and missed the lost baby so much that she ended up having another baby two years later.

Obviously you’re a different person in a different situation and I can well imagine that you are feeling panicky right now.

I am biased because I have a large family myself (no twins though, but small age gaps). It was hard when in the thick of it but such a joy and a huge amount of fun for the DC themselves. It’s great that your DH is supportive and that you have family around. Good luck OP.

Oh gosh we are considering a third and have discussed what we’d do if this happened but would never expect it!

I think the good thing is that at 6 and 3 they will be 6 and 4 when the twins come which are helpful ages

you would manage, I wouldn’t rely on help but I would actually talk to family etc and ask how much can they realistically do and would they support you with twins, could you afford some support at night time etc

Youll make the right decision for you x

So I’m a misogynist because what I’m saying is true, but it’s not what you want to hear?
How bizarre.

@Loverurarliving01

your use of the phrase “opening her legs” ewwww

yes, you have internalised misogyny, a lot.

might be something you wanna work on.

It's fine to have an abortion even if she would cope otherwise.
A word twins exists because you can't just say 2 children. It's different. Even if it wouldn't be different, OP already has 2 children. Was there, done that. Diminishing returns.

I tried for a 3rd before thinking about it for a year. I had to mentally prepare and ask myself all these questions and make sure I answered them to myself before I got pregnant.

Once I fell pregnant these thoughts did cross my mind again, ‘have I done the right thing, will I cope, what will life now be like,’ so I think you would’ve asked yourself some of these questions anyways. I can imagine with twins it will feel a lot more heightened but again I mentally prepared for that too.

I do know someone that had a set of twins when pregnant third time, I see her on the school runs with the double pram and her two older kids and she does seem happy. Not to say it isn’t hectic at home but one extra child can be hectic at home too.

Every time I caught myself worrying I tried to set my mind back to why I wanted to grow our family and bring those thoughts to the forefront instead. My 3rd is now 1 and a lovely addition to our family. Yes some days are hectic especially now he is a toddler, I also work FT as does OH (both flexible and WFH most of the week, couldn’t do it without him) but we have no village or outside help at all. We have 3 in 3 places, High School, Primary and Preschool now so very busy but we know it won’t always be this busy.

Have a good think and hope you’re able to make the right decision. I think you’ll be fine and I have heard 4 is easier than 3 because they can double up and one isn’t left out.

What you’re saying isn’t true though? Women don’t just ‘open their legs’ as you so eloquently put it, to welcome sperm. We ‘open our legs’ to be intimate with our partners. To feel pleasure, to have fun, to relax. We open our legs with partners, one night stands, whoever the hell we want, because we can.

You’re right, everytime we have sex there’s risk of pregnancy and we should be aware of that risk. Most women are all too aware of this, trust me. But that doesn’t mean we should be stuck with a pregnancy we don’t want just because we took that risk. You keep talking about responsibility for our actions. What about the man? Where’s his responsibility if he gets a woman pregnant? True, a lot of men might step up and support the child, but many don’t. Far too many don’t. They walk away, they don’t acknowledge the child, they don’t pay for the child they helped create. They continue living their lives unchanged. They meet new women and don’t even have to admit they’ve fathered a child. Their minds, bodies, hobbies and lifestyles remain unchanged. But what about the woman and her responsibility? She can’t just walk away from it. She bears the mental and physical evidence. A woman who walks away from her child is demonised, it’s unheard of. Why should only the woman bear the true responsibility?

You are a misogynist because you described women having sex as 'opening their legs to welcome a sperm' which is straight out of the 1950s. And then you imply they should be punished for that choice by being forced to give birth to a raise a child they don't want, because that's your strange moral code. Women should be punished for having sex, and you couldn't care less about their suffering, which is deserved, while the unthinking bundle of cells smaller than a chicken's egg gets your unending sympathy.

Look within and work on yourself!

You have no right to feel disappointed or sad at another woman’s choice. Her right to choose, end of. The framing of her choice as selfish is nonsense - her body is literally her self. But also part of OP’s dilemma is clearly the huge impact on 4 other people as well as her that this will have. OP - I can only say I would’ve felt the same & your concerns seem very valid to me. I wish you very well

The only thing I feel about my abortion is relieved and I’ve never felt a bad feeling about it ever. 1 in 3 people have an abortion in the UK and whilst some people will feel a lot of emotional trauma about it, many will not.

I know a few women who have had abortions and none of them feel bad about it, even retrospectively as time has passed. I feel incredibly lucky that I live in country where I can so easily access abortion without needing to jump through hoops or explain myself. I had my abortion at home, on my sofa whilst watching TV. Then I went out with my friends the next day.

Men carry even bigger responsibility for their children than women. Even if they walk away and leave their childen, believe me one way or another they will pay for their choices. Life has a way of holding them accountable for those choices. I’ve seen it happen time and again.
That said, women also have to be smart about who they share space with. Just because you can be with whoever you want doesn't mean you should.

How old are your twins?

‘Men carry even bigger responsibility for their children than women’. Oh man, I knew you were crazy but this seals the deal. Insane.

Me too. I had a surgical abortion at 9 weeks and it was a breeze to be honest. The only thing I felt was relief and I can honestly say I barely even think about it/remember it.

If you really couldn’t cope with multiples then I don’t think you should have been TTC at all, given it’s always a possibility.

A friend of mine had twins by vaginal birth with no problems. She waited 6 years before trying to get pregnant again as she wondered if it might be more twins. It was although she would have preferred a single baby she said eldest 2 were at schoolost of the day and if she was going on mat leave whether 1 or 2 made no difference. She got her DH to agree she'd have 2 years off after having twins before going back to work. Each set of twins she had a boy and a girl. She'd kept a lot of baby clothes and equipment from first set of twins. All have almost grown up now but both deliveries were natural births although she was given C section option. She told me each time after first baby was delivered the second came out about 20 mins later. She said she Cooed over her first twin then second twin just plopped out with one little push. She was very sick with second set of twins but it passed after 13 or 14 weeks and she had first set of twins 1 week early and second set 10 days early. She said older twins who were 6 loved to help bath and play with their baby twins. She didn't get a lot of help from her DH because he was a farmer and working all hours with animals. I'd have loved twins as I didn't really enjoy pregnancy and the thought of 2 babies with only 1 pregnancy appealled to me. As others have mentioned after you have conceived twins you are statistically more likely to conceive multiple births again.

🤣🤣🤣🤣 no they don’t! Don’t be silly. OP already said her husband works lot and most of it would fall to her. She will be doing the twin pregnancy and birth herself, husband will be dipping in and at best. Why shouldn’t men pay for their children?!

In regards to the actual questions. Twins are tough not going to lie but there’s always a chance and going from 2 to 4, will be easier than 0 to 2. If you have abortion then will you try again for a singleton?! C section shouldn’t be a given, when l had twins a discussion was had rather than an ultimatum. If your husband is that fussed he can do more child rearing and not leave most of it to you

Multiple sets of twins aren’t that uncommon no. Having 2 sets isn’t rare. A few people on twin groups l am on have 3 sets

IDK, I think your feelings are valid. They are very much coming from a place of fear, overwhelm, and anxiety. I think you really need some counselling to process your feelings both alone and as a couple before you make any decisions, especially permanent ones. Having twins is going to be hard and will come with physical and emotional consequences but so will having an abortion. Best talk it through with a professional.