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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Husband wants me to abort 2nd child

155 replies

Faye3455 · 19/01/2021 15:24

Hi all, I am looking for some advice. I have just turned 40, been married for 7 years, have a 5 year old girl and have 2 teenage stepdaughters. I have always wanted another child, but I started a new business when my daughter was born, therefore that took priority. Just over a year ago I found out I was pregnant and was overjoyed! My husband was a bit shocked but seemed quite happy, then at 11 weeks I miscarried. It was a scary experience and it took me quite a while to get over it, but it made me realise I really wanted another child. I spoke to my husband about trying for a baby and he was very quiet, then as I pushed the topic, he lost it! Telling me he didn't want another baby, after a lot of tears etc, I backed down and we got a puppy in lockdown. I was happy :-) and resided to the fact that I was not going to have another baby. Then I just found out that I am 6 weeks pregnant. I was scared to tell him, and when I did all he said was..'well that's not what we planned'. For 3 days he did not mention it, until I asked if he has told his daughters (as I didn't want anyone to know so soon) and he went off on one, saying that he wanted me to get an abortion, and that if I didn't he wouldn't hang around, and to not think if I just carried on with the pregnancy he would get used to it, because he wouldn't. I was so upset, I jumped in the car and went to my M&D's for a few hours to get my head straight. I am so angry as this was clearly a accident, but I am happy. When I backed down about trying for a baby a year ago, I played my part. I got rid of my ovulation apps and stopped thinking about it, but he has done nothing. Not booked himself in for the snip, he doesn't even bother to put a condom on! Obvs I wasn't caring if I got pregnant or not, but if he felt so strongly he should have prevented this happening in the first place? My husband is the type to avoid hard conversations unless I bring things up, then he can be quite nasty. So...I came home from my M&D's, acted upbeat and have not mentioned anything and we are getting on great. I am waiting for him to bring it up with me, but he won't unless I do first, which I'm not going to do as that will make it easy for him! I am having this baby with or without his help, as NO ONE surely regrets having a child, but I bet most regret having an abortion to make their husband happy. The thing is, if I keep this baby my marriage might end, but If I get rid of it, I could never forgive him or myself, so my marriage will end anyway! I am just so disappointed in what he said to me and I can't sleep at night (he sleeps no problem!). He is away to Sea this week for a month, so by the time he comes home I will be 10 weeks. Any advice would be appreciated xx

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 19/01/2021 15:27

I’m sorry you’re facing such a difficult decision and what’s done is done now but I can’t understand why you wouldn’t use contraception yourself after he basically told you he was glad your previous pregnancy ended and told you he didn’t want another baby.

I think there are huge cracks in your marriage and perhaps if you really want this baby you will be happier alone.

Ohalrightthen · 19/01/2021 15:27

NO ONE surely regrets having a child

this is naive - a LOT of people regret having children. It's much more common than you'd think.

I imagine your marriage is over either way, so you need to decide whether or not you want this baby, and if you do, prepare to be a single mum.

Nighthawker · 19/01/2021 15:28

Use the time he is away to get your ducks in a row for if your marriage is indeed over, see a solicitor and find out what your rights will be concerning your home and any other joint assets you may have. Like you said, if he wanted to prevent pregnancy he should have done something about it, do not let him bully you into terminating a much wanted pregnancy.

DinosaurDiana · 19/01/2021 15:30

I agree, if he didn’t want a baby he should have had the snip or kept it in his pants.
Congratulations 💐

samlh · 19/01/2021 15:41

I don't have any advice worth giving, but I couldn't read and run. I've read a few posts on here that are similar and wanted to give you the below.

If you did abort, would you resent your husband? Would he stick around? If he was adamant he didn't want more children then why not get the snip, use a condom, ask you to go on contraception? Abstain from sexual activity?

It does absolutely take two to tango, and although there are options, do you want this child? Are you prepared to potentially be a single mum (from what you said about your marriage ending either way).

I'm sure, no matter what the outcome, you will work it out either way xx

MyOtherProfile · 19/01/2021 15:46

Does he understand that there was always a risk if he couldn't be arsed to use contraception? I agree, get your ducks in a row.

GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 19/01/2021 15:52

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2bazookas · 19/01/2021 16:00

If your marriage ends then your 5 yr old is going to suffer and two teenagers will have a disruption. Plus the baby will miss having a united family.

Perhaps you should have considered their futures when he told you he doesn't want a fourth child.

chipsandpeas · 19/01/2021 16:03

@2bazookas

If your marriage ends then your 5 yr old is going to suffer and two teenagers will have a disruption. Plus the baby will miss having a united family.

Perhaps you should have considered their futures when he told you he doesn't want a fourth child.

blame the OP when her DH didnt use any contraceptives or have the snip
AlwaysLatte · 19/01/2021 16:04

If I was pregnant with a much wanted baby and the father insisted on an abortion it would be the end of that relationship for me.

SoupDragon · 19/01/2021 16:04

Perhaps you should have considered their futures when he told you he doesn't want a fourth child.

WTF?

Perhaps he should have taken steps to ensure there was no fourth child given he didn't want one.

Stay123 · 19/01/2021 16:05

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CremeEggThief · 19/01/2021 16:05

Bloody hell, some really harsh responses here.

OP, do what you want to do now, as I do think whatever happens from here on, your marriage is probably over. I can't really see how you and your husband can get past this. Don't let anyone pressure you into making your decision for you. Sorry you are going through this.

chipsandpeas · 19/01/2021 16:08

@Stay123

Why on earth didn’t you use contraception? You were obvious trying to get pregnant when he’d told you he didn’t want another child. Now you’re playing the poor me card. A massive thing to lump on someone.
why is it down to the OP to use contraceptives when its her DH who doesnt want another child - if he knew she wasnt taking or using any then the onus surely is on him to prevent pregnancy
Soontobe60 · 19/01/2021 16:13

A woman has the ultimate choice on whether to terminate a pregnancy or not. In this instance, your DH is also entitled to say he doesn’t want another child. Both of you have been careless. He should have ensured he couldn’t get you pregnant whilst you should have ensured you couldn’t get pregnant. The fact that you wanted another child and was not even bothering to prevent it knowing that he didnt want another one is a bit deceitful - unless you were very open and honest with him and told him you could get pregnant. Did he think you couldn’t?

So now youre in a situation where your relationship may very well be over - if he stays he’ll resent you and if you terminate you’ll resent him. I feel very sorry for the child you already have, and also for your potential child should you continue with the pregnancy.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/01/2021 16:13

Your marriage is over whatever happens. He’s a raging fucking idiot so that’s no bad thing. He’s got two kids with his ex and you got pregnant with him twice already so he knows full well how babies are made. You were stupid to continue having unprotected sex hoping to get pregnant and assuming he’d be happy when you’d already discussed it.

But you’re pregnant, which is what you wanted and it’s forced the issue in a decisive way. Use the time he’s away to file for divorce and make whatever plans you have to to be a single parent. Do you work? Do you own or rent?

You’re 100% wrong to say no one regrets having a baby. It happens all the time and unless this is your first time on here you’ll have seen people say so often. But that’s irrelevant to you as you want another baby so focus on that and leave him. He’ll owe you child support for your 5 year old and for the baby once it’s born, he can’t get out of that.

Your existing child will now have to go through the whammy of mum and dad splitting up and a new sibling, it’s not going to be easy.

BeatriceF · 19/01/2021 16:14

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HalfTermHalfTerm · 19/01/2021 16:16

@Stay123

Why on earth didn’t you use contraception? You were obvious trying to get pregnant when he’d told you he didn’t want another child. Now you’re playing the poor me card. A massive thing to lump on someone.
Unless the OP told her husband she was taking some form of hormonal contraception when she wasn’t then how on earth is she ‘lumping’ anything on anyone?! He knew there was no contraception being used yet he continued to have sex with her.
SunnySideUp2020 · 19/01/2021 16:16

So, your husband states he doesn't want any more children and doesn't bother with condoms.
You pretend like you accepted his decision and got over having another baby but also don't bother with any contraception.

What is this sick game?
Are you aware this is about a life? A baby will come into this world not being wanted by his father? A little 5yo girl in the middle of a broken relationship?
You both are selfish and irresponsible.

When your husband is nasty and tells you to get an abortion you run out and come back acting upbeat and you guys get along great?

What is there to be happy about? This is messed up and sad.
And yes people regret having kids.

HavelockVetinari · 19/01/2021 16:22

Why on earth would you suggest that this pregnancy was an accident if you weren't using contraception and neither was he? Doesn't take a genius to see that pregnancy is the likely outcome!

Anyway, you're in this situation now, and you're right that an abortion is definitely the wrong thing to do, you'll always regret killing your baby to please your husband and it'll destroy your marriage.

Littlepaws18 · 19/01/2021 16:23

He's made his position clear and hasn't bothered to make amends or take back what he said. You know his position you have to decide yours.

You want this baby. You have to come to the realisation there is a very strong chance you are going to do this on your own. Use the month to get your independence sorted.

Personally I couldn't stand the limbo- I would ask Him one last time, is this what you want? If he still feels the way he did. That would be it for me I'd leave. Get rid of the toxic mess before my new baby comes.

You and your family deserve more than this. If this is how he solves his problems by pretending they don't exist it's just pure selfishness. I'm angry on your behalf how could he say that then go on and pretend that everything is ok?! No apology after saying the nastiest things you could say to the person you supposedly love.

movingonup20 · 19/01/2021 16:25

This wasn't an accident though was it? Did he think you were on the pill? Did he realise you weren't using contraception? If he still didn't bother using a condom then he's equally to blame for you getting pregnant.

Harsh I know but knowingly not using contraception is coercion

unmarkedbythat · 19/01/2021 16:25

No woman should have an abortion to please someone else.
No woman should continue a pregnancy to please someone else.
You will always have the final choice.

That said, my god, what the heck the two of you have been playing at is beyond me. You both sound utterly irresponsible and immature.

jocktamsonsbairn · 19/01/2021 16:28

@Nighthawker

Use the time he is away to get your ducks in a row for if your marriage is indeed over, see a solicitor and find out what your rights will be concerning your home and any other joint assets you may have. Like you said, if he wanted to prevent pregnancy he should have done something about it, do not let him bully you into terminating a much wanted pregnancy.
This. Start squirrelling money away too. Add cash back on at the end of each supermarket shop and build a wee safety net. Really feel for you.
SoupDragon · 19/01/2021 16:28

Harsh I know but knowingly not using contraception is coercion

Eh?