Husband wants me to abort 2nd child

[Faye3455]

Hi all, I am looking for some advice. I have just turned 40, been married for 7 years, have a 5 year old girl and have 2 teenage stepdaughters. I have always wanted another child, but I started a new business when my daughter was born, therefore that took priority. Just over a year ago I found out I was pregnant and was overjoyed! My husband was a bit shocked but seemed quite happy, then at 11 weeks I miscarried. It was a scary experience and it took me quite a while to get over it, but it made me realise I really wanted another child. I spoke to my husband about trying for a baby and he was very quiet, then as I pushed the topic, he lost it! Telling me he didn't want another baby, after a lot of tears etc, I backed down and we got a puppy in lockdown. I was happy :-) and resided to the fact that I was not going to have another baby. Then I just found out that I am 6 weeks pregnant. I was scared to tell him, and when I did all he said was..'well that's not what we planned'. For 3 days he did not mention it, until I asked if he has told his daughters (as I didn't want anyone to know so soon) and he went off on one, saying that he wanted me to get an abortion, and that if I didn't he wouldn't hang around, and to not think if I just carried on with the pregnancy he would get used to it, because he wouldn't. I was so upset, I jumped in the car and went to my M&D's for a few hours to get my head straight. I am so angry as this was clearly a accident, but I am happy. When I backed down about trying for a baby a year ago, I played my part. I got rid of my ovulation apps and stopped thinking about it, but he has done nothing. Not booked himself in for the snip, he doesn't even bother to put a condom on! Obvs I wasn't caring if I got pregnant or not, but if he felt so strongly he should have prevented this happening in the first place? My husband is the type to avoid hard conversations unless I bring things up, then he can be quite nasty. So...I came home from my M&D's, acted upbeat and have not mentioned anything and we are getting on great. I am waiting for him to bring it up with me, but he won't unless I do first, which I'm not going to do as that will make it easy for him! I am having this baby with or without his help, as NO ONE surely regrets having a child, but I bet most regret having an abortion to make their husband happy. The thing is, if I keep this baby my marriage might end, but If I get rid of it, I could never forgive him or myself, so my marriage will end anyway! I am just so disappointed in what he said to me and I can't sleep at night (he sleeps no problem!). He is away to Sea this week for a month, so by the time he comes home I will be 10 weeks. Any advice would be appreciated xx

Did you make him think you were on the pill, wrong timing to get pregnant? You got yourself pregnant on purpose. Hormones are very strong and if your body wants a baby all reason can go out of the window. Have the baby but to push that onto someone the act innocent is pretty bad.

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I know my marriage would be completely over if I was in your position, I could not get past it. You may feel differently however it is your baby and your choice op.

Whether you were secretly hoping to get pregnant or he was not taking enough care with contraception is beside the point, making some well informed careful decisions now is all that counts. An actual plan how you would manage.

@SunnySideUp2020

So, your husband states he doesn't want any more children and doesn't bother with condoms. You pretend like you accepted his decision and got over having another baby but also don't bother with any contraception.

What is this sick game?
Are you aware this is about a life? A baby will come into this world not being wanted by his father? A little 5yo girl in the middle of a broken relationship?
You both are selfish and irresponsible.

When your husband is nasty and tells you to get an abortion you run out and come back acting upbeat and you guys get along great?

What is there to be happy about? This is messed up and sad.
And yes people regret having kids.

This 100%

Did he think you were on contraception?
You obviously wanted to get pregnant and he had already been clear about his stance on it.

Have the baby, don’t have the baby.
Your family is broken now anyway.

This sounds a bit familiar to me, except the abortion bit, my husband wouldn't ask that of me. I think men feel the same fear we do, pregnancy after mc is terrifying.

We fell pregnant unexpectedly last year and we were both happy after it sank in. I had an early scan that showed the heartbeat but a week later I lost it. Eventually I told dh that I wanted to try again and he was adamant that he didn't want to to the point he wouldn't touch me intimately. I think he was just worried about it going wrong again or maybe he got it in his head that he may lose me too. He's had the losing me in his head since I had heavy blood loss after our twins birth, he was far more worried than I was as I felt okay. He too refuses to have the snip and has done nothing to really prevent pregnancy either. When I got bfp with this one I didn't tell him for a week but he's actually been pretty good about it. I think he suspected anyway because I've been exhausted and napping a lot. He asked me to abort our 1st child way back when and knows full well I would never do that with a healthy pregnancy and he's seen how 5 mc's have affected me too so I think he knows how angry the suggestion would make me.
I think cut him a bit of slack, let him get his head around it while he's away. Let him come to you to discuss, he may just be a bit overwhelmed by it atm and come round. Do not abort if you don't feel you can't live with that decision. Good luck whatever happens

@Stay123

Did you make him think you were on the pill, wrong timing to get pregnant? You got yourself pregnant on purpose. Hormones are very strong and if your body wants a baby all reason can go out of the window. Have the baby but to push that onto someone the act innocent is pretty bad.

He chose to have sex without a condom. He should have taken charge of his own fertility and had a vasectomy after the last pregnancy.

So, the responsibility to avoid pregnancy was his, given that he was the one who didn't want another child, and he knew that you did. Yet he took no steps to avoid getting you pregnant. It almost sounds like he wanted this to happen: to put you in this position where you had to choose between him and having another child.

I wonder whether he can't cope with being a full time dad? What age were the step kids when he split with their mum?

Well if neither of you used protection that’s ridiculous. He knows you could get pregnant if you don’t use anything and if he doesn’t want another baby, he was playing a risky game. You’re right in that he should have been taking a more active approach.

You knew how he felt yet continued regardless and low and behold, you’re now pregnant. What a mess.

So chances are he’ll leave if you continue. So I’d just prepare yourself to be a single mum and all that this comes with. I also think it’s a bit shit knowing what your DH told you, that as a op said, your dd is likely to lose her dad now too. So think carefully before you make any decisions!

@Nighthawker

Use the time he is away to get your ducks in a row for if your marriage is indeed over, see a solicitor and find out what your rights will be concerning your home and any other joint assets you may have. Like you said, if he wanted to prevent pregnancy he should have done something about it, do not let him bully you into terminating a much wanted pregnancy.

Agree.

@DinosaurDiana

I agree, if he didn’t want a baby he should have had the snip or kept it in his pants. Congratulations 💐

Completely agree. If he was so against another baby, why didn't he take any precaution.

@Faye3455 I am having this baby with or without his help, as NO ONE surely regrets having a child

What planet are you on OP? There is thread after thread here with parents stating they regret having their children. What were you using as contraception, Swiss cheese?

Sorry you are in this situation op. Plan to have the baby alone. Your DH has a nerve asking you to abort his child after going through the trauma of loosing one I would have zero respect for him.

I think your marriage is over anyway. If he forces you to have an abortion you will never forgive him. If you don't have an abortion he will never forgive you. You need to decide what you want, in the knowledge that you will be going forward without your husband. I would recommend talking to a counsellor before making a decision.
I had my youngest child when I was 42. It was a difficult pregnancy and it was unplanned. Not once have I regretted having that child, who has brought so much joy to all of us. That said, my DH was supportive, once he got over the shock.

He has history of getting you to do what he wants by losing his temper though which isn’t great.

Neither of you took steps to prevent conception but it’s not on to ask you to abort.

OP, abort your marriage not the baby. You can get another husband you can't take back killing your baby because he has told you too. I dont know the context behind your story you wasn't on birth control if he knew this then its up to him to wear a condom or get the snip or simply don't have sex. Because why should it be down to you to take the pill? If you told him you're on the pill then yes it is deceitful but DOESN'T warrant telling you to get an abortion!!! You're not 13, you're married with kids. Seems like a toxic marriage i'd leave now. I hope you get it all sorted and have a healthy baby

Congratulations!
Sounds like this is your last-chance-baby. Obviously wanted by you.
Use his month away to really look at finances and shared child care.
Can you finance a two bed place? Work?
Fingers crossed for a happy ending for you.

I find it very odd that since you came back he’s been fine and you are getting on great. Such a huge amount of pretence on both sides.

OP you two have to start communicating. Before he goes either make sure you have a straight and honest conversation when you both get a chance to speak and both agree to listen. If you feel having a termination will end your marriage then that’s what he needs to hear. Likewise if he says he will leave if you go ahead then that’s what you need to hear. If he won’t talk then write it down in a letter or email.

Then agree to think about this as calmly as possible whilst you have this time apart. You do need to consider the implications of both scenarios on the existing children and your entire lives. So does he.

Shouting and saying nasty things is no use now. Equally, pretending nothing is wrong is also no use.

Best wishes, I hope you can sort it out in a way that works for you both.

That said, my god, what the heck the two of you have been playing at is beyond me. You both sound utterly irresponsible and immature.

^This^

I find it hard to believe that with both of you not using any contraception, neither of you figured out this was likely to happen. Neither of you played your part - he did nothing and he could / should have; but getting rid of some apps and not thinking about it isn't exactly dynamic action either. Did you really agree with this - or is that just what you said, because there doesn't seem to be anything accidental in all of this.

But you are where you are. If you are determined to go ahead with this, then you must decide that you are willing and able to do this alone. If he changes his mind, that's a bonus. But your marriage is very close to being over, and since you can't consider any alternative, you will have to accept if that is also the case for him.

Congratulations on your baby. You won't regret keeping it.

@Faye3455 sadly, your conception about noone regrets having a child is incredibly wrong. I have not long started a thread myself about finding out the man I was seeing has a young daughter that he has nothing to do with, by choice.

I think you have both been really irresponsible here. him slightly more so because yes, if he didnt want a child that badly he really should of sorted himself out, so that it would never be a possibility.

however, I think it is unhelpful for you to be acting shocked that he has reacted the way he has if you knew he didnt want another baby. from the way I read it, you knew you could fall pregnant, hoped for it in fact, and were banking on the fact he would be overjoyed or at the very least, would come round once it actually happened.

I think you need to get real - you know that your marriage is probably done now and you will be a single parent. I dont think you should have an abortion because you would clearly regret it and it's not a nice thing to regret, trust me. but you do need to come to terms with the fact you are likely doing this alone, if not financially, but physically.

you have not put yourself in an enviable position OP.

I think you're both in the wrong, you both knew he didn't want a baby but both didn't care if he didn't use contraception. It all sounds a little bit messed up to me - what did you both think would happen? Did anyone think about the consequences at all?

I think that this is a mess but actually your body so ultimately your choice.

I also think that the marriage is over either way because trust is hard earned and easily lost and IF you were responsible for contraception he will never trust you again.

I am so angry as this was clearly a accident

but it isn't clear, you told him that you wanted one, he told you he didn't and not long later you are pregnant again.

I disagree in this context about it being his fault for not wearing a condom. Don't get me wrong I do blame men who go out shagging and get people pregnant and I do blame men who know that their wife wants a baby and is using nothing and they choose not to. I am not convinced that this is the case here.