Husband wants me to abort 2nd child

[Faye3455]

Hi all, I am looking for some advice. I have just turned 40, been married for 7 years, have a 5 year old girl and have 2 teenage stepdaughters. I have always wanted another child, but I started a new business when my daughter was born, therefore that took priority. Just over a year ago I found out I was pregnant and was overjoyed! My husband was a bit shocked but seemed quite happy, then at 11 weeks I miscarried. It was a scary experience and it took me quite a while to get over it, but it made me realise I really wanted another child. I spoke to my husband about trying for a baby and he was very quiet, then as I pushed the topic, he lost it! Telling me he didn't want another baby, after a lot of tears etc, I backed down and we got a puppy in lockdown. I was happy :-) and resided to the fact that I was not going to have another baby. Then I just found out that I am 6 weeks pregnant. I was scared to tell him, and when I did all he said was..'well that's not what we planned'. For 3 days he did not mention it, until I asked if he has told his daughters (as I didn't want anyone to know so soon) and he went off on one, saying that he wanted me to get an abortion, and that if I didn't he wouldn't hang around, and to not think if I just carried on with the pregnancy he would get used to it, because he wouldn't. I was so upset, I jumped in the car and went to my M&D's for a few hours to get my head straight. I am so angry as this was clearly a accident, but I am happy. When I backed down about trying for a baby a year ago, I played my part. I got rid of my ovulation apps and stopped thinking about it, but he has done nothing. Not booked himself in for the snip, he doesn't even bother to put a condom on! Obvs I wasn't caring if I got pregnant or not, but if he felt so strongly he should have prevented this happening in the first place? My husband is the type to avoid hard conversations unless I bring things up, then he can be quite nasty. So...I came home from my M&D's, acted upbeat and have not mentioned anything and we are getting on great. I am waiting for him to bring it up with me, but he won't unless I do first, which I'm not going to do as that will make it easy for him! I am having this baby with or without his help, as NO ONE surely regrets having a child, but I bet most regret having an abortion to make their husband happy. The thing is, if I keep this baby my marriage might end, but If I get rid of it, I could never forgive him or myself, so my marriage will end anyway! I am just so disappointed in what he said to me and I can't sleep at night (he sleeps no problem!). He is away to Sea this week for a month, so by the time he comes home I will be 10 weeks. Any advice would be appreciated xx

[Navilana]

How are you doing, OP? Hoping you have made decisions regarding your family situation.

[MsHedgehog]

@withmycoffee

No, it's THEIR doing. Are you telling me you have never discussed contraception with your partner?

OP has not at all explained that her and her husband discussed contraception. She complains her husband didn't wear a condom or get the snip...on that basis surely she would know that they're having unprotected sex yet she said absolutely nothing herself. When I came off the pill my husband knew, and we always made sure we used a condom every single time, because we were careful and because my husband knew condoms were the only contraception we have.

Sounds like OP was hoping they would have an "accidental" pregnancy so no, he is not "100%" to blame.

[LunaMay]

I feel so bad for the 5 year old, mother not worrying about her quality of life or the impact this decision could have on her with or without a separation.

[rawalpindithelabrador]

I'd get rid of him and keep the baby. These guys who are single and have kids are all the same, there's a reason the mother of their children ended the relationship. 9 times out of 10 it's because they're wankers. He'll 'get nasty', well, fuck him! I'd spend this time moving out and getting everything squared away.

Of course he didn't want any more, he's already got a load.

The misogyny on these threads is staggering.

[Chimeraforce]

People do regret having a child, it's just rather taboo to discuss it.
Anyhow, congratulations as you seem pleased although conflicted.
You husband should've used one or got the snip. But they always seem shocked when a woman gets pregnant 🙄
My partner refuses the snip and is not allowed near me without a condom. I don't want another, I'm 47.
Be prepared to go it alone, start planning your finances and if you work try not to stop. Good luck x x

[withmycoffee]

@Stay123

Did you make him think you were on the pill, wrong timing to get pregnant? You got yourself pregnant on purpose. Hormones are very strong and if your body wants a baby all reason can go out of the window. Have the baby but to push that onto someone the act innocent is pretty bad.

You have no idea whether the DH knew if the OP was in contraception or not but hey, why let that stop you ASSERTING that the OP did this on purpose and then condemning her. Is there nothing you won't blame the woman for? He's had 3 kids. He knows how they are made yet he made zero effort to ensure it didn't happen again. No no this is 100% his doing.

[withmycoffee]

@movingonup20

This wasn't an accident though was it? Did he think you were on the pill? Did he realise you weren't using contraception? If he still didn't bother using a condom then he's equally to blame for you getting pregnant.

Harsh I know but knowingly not using contraception is coercion

Is there nothing you won't blame the woman for? He didn't want a baby. He is 100% responsible for preventing it. The OP doesn't have the responsibility to poison her body to fulfil his requirements

[withmycoffee]

@2bazookas

If your marriage ends then your 5 yr old is going to suffer and two teenagers will have a disruption. Plus the baby will miss having a united family.

Perhaps you should have considered their futures when he told you he doesn't want a fourth child.

Is there nothing that women aren't blamed for? He didn't want a child. He did nothing to prevent it. 👌🏼 you for blaming the woman.

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

He expects you to use abortion as a contraceptive? Fuck him!
That alone would make me want to chuck him out - selfish bastard.

[LadyEloise]

@Faye3455
I hope you made a decision you are happy with.

[AgainstTheCurrent]

I'm sorry why should the OP take artificial hormonal contraception with a multitude of side effects and potential long term health implications just incase her husband wants to ejaculate inside her without a condom or vasectomy?

I don't really think that this is what most people believe. My DH and I do not want anymore children, he could have the snip but I take the mini pill, it is a decision we made together. Should he then assume that I am taking responsibility for us not getting pregnant - well yes because that is what I told him. If I decided I wanted a baby and come off pill to get pregnant knowing that is not what I wanted, it would not be his fault - it would surely be mine.

I think the whole post sounds like they have not got a great relationship.

When I backed down about trying for a baby a year ago, I played my part. I got rid of my ovulation apps and stopped thinking about it, but he has done nothing. Not booked himself in for the snip, he doesn't even bother to put a condom on!

This is the bit that is tricky, OP says she did her part but we have no way of knowing or ever will if she led him to believe that "playing her part" meant she was back to using contraception or he really just thought it was acceptable to keep having sex expecting a baby not to happen.

Either way the baby is coming and OP clearly wants to keep the baby.

Does he work away a lot? What is it that is worrying him about the baby, is it finances does he think that as a couple you are too old? You say he doesn't like difficult conversations but this is a man you have already had 1 child with and now are going to have another. I think you both seriously need to sit down and have a grown up conversation. Do not just let him go away thinking that there will be no pregnancy or you are going to be causing yourself a lot of stress and anxiety that clearly is not going to be good for the pregnancy. You seem to think when he comes back your get out of jail free card is it is too late for a termination but actually it isn't and you wouldn't anyway (which is your choice).

[isitsafetocomeoutyet]

I don't think the op is coming back

I agree there are a lot of things that worry me in this post. But right now the important thing is dealing with what to do.

But the op and partner seem to be sticking their heads in the sand and unable to even communicate so I don't think there's anything we can do anyway.

I think the op needs some serious non judgemental and non biased help. My concern is she's hoping by not talking about it it'll get to the point where there aren't any other options but what she wants. That kind of stealth decision making will surely only lead to more tension.

And frankly they're both adults. They have children and responsibilities. They should be able to at least discuss this.

I just feel sorry for the five year old.

[MsHedgehog]

We have no idea what OP told her husband about contraception. She could very well have been on the pill, coil, etc in the past and her husband assumed she still was, hence why he didn’t use a condom. And because she was desperate for another child, she let him think she was on contraception.

Yes if the man doesn’t want children, the obligation is on him to ensure they use contraception, but equally in a marriage you talk about this stuff and are open and transparent.

In fact, OP’s post is very telling. She talks about the pregnancy last year being a surprise (she was happy, husband was shocked), and later on she mentions deleting the ovulation apps. Again, if they didn’t jointly agree to try for a baby, why was she even using the ovulation apps? And unless her husband is completely clueless, if they were indeed not using any contraception and she got accidentally pregnant, then one would think a discussion would be had on how to prevent it happening again.

It all sounds very very fishy.

[Bythemillpond]

So he couldn’t be bothered to use contraception with someone who wanted to get pregnant.
What did he think was going to happen?

[CodenameVillanelle]

@Stay123

I’d say it was quite controlling of the op to deliberately get pregnant when her husband told her he didn’t want another baby. He will have to pay for the baby, live with it, take it out, etc. He said he didn’t want another one as he has 3. I feel for you and the baby for sure but please don’t act innocent. Why didn’t you tell him you weren’t on the pill, coil? Can you answer the many questions?

Ugh
She didn't make him ejaculate inside her with no protection. Refusing to terminate a pregnancy isn't 'controlling'.

[TTCBaby2q]

This post was made for advice and the majority of responses are judgemental and unhelpful. The fact of the matter is that this is the situation you are in and pointing fingers now really doesn't help. To be honest, the way you've worded your question makes it sound less like you are asking for advice and more like you have already decided and need reassurance. If what you are doing is the best for you and your whole family (that includes him because he's clearly not happy about this situation as it is either), then do what you need to. Your 5 year old and new baby (whatever you decide) are the most important people right now.

[Miffyliffy]

You say you did your part by deleting your ovulation apps, but we all know that you don't need them to get pregnant.
Your husband should have known a pregnancy was likely unless he proactively used a form on contraception.

I think that you know he won't bring it up and so if you don't bring it up any time soon it'll 'be too late' to get a termination. I feel like the way you got pregnant and now the way you're trying to leave it unmentioned is simply ways to allow you to get what you want. Your body your choice. Just be upfront, no point using smoke and mirrors.

When you asked him if he told his daughter what we're you expecting? Did you think he'd tell her because you were keeping the baby or would you expect he told her even if you were getting a termination?

[Namenic]

Good luck OP. Wishing you well.

[TTCNO2PLEASE]

@thismammacat exactly.. OP are you safe?? Can everybody giving her a hard time just fuck off. Am I the only one seeing the big issue here that it sounds like she's in an abusive relationship?? I don't know the ins and outs and what's happened has happened youve got a baby on the way it takes 2 to tango! If you leave him then he's still going to have to support you. And what a nob he's going to look, oh I left her because I didn't want another kid he needs to grow up youre not teenagers. Let him show himself up and you do you. Be strong and move on. He sounds like a dick! Some nasty people on this thread ignore them. I hope everything works out for you

[Carryingon]

Don’t have an abortion you don’t want.

[Stay123]

I’d say it was quite controlling of the op to deliberately get pregnant when her husband told her he didn’t want another baby. He will have to pay for the baby, live with it, take it out, etc. He said he didn’t want another one as he has 3. I feel for you and the baby for sure but please don’t act innocent. Why didn’t you tell him you weren’t on the pill, coil? Can you answer the many questions?

[ThisMammaCat]

OP, I'm so sorry that people are being so harsh with you in this thread. That's not nice, especially in early pregnancy when hormones are flying all over the place. Please consider that some elements of your post might be setting some people off and that's why they sound harsh. Others may simply like to climb atop a high horse and judge others, who knows.

I don't know the intricacies of your life, but if I were to make an assumption, that assumption would be that your husband perhaps thought that he'd simply make you get a termination if you ever got pregnant again- and that's why he didn't initiate a discussion about contraception. This says to me that there is a big element of control going on- as one PP even said, he thinks he's your boss (or something along those lines). Are you safe?

Ignore the arseyness in this thread and focus on your next steps. I can tell from your post that there is no decision to be made, the decision is made so now it's about taking the next steps as smoothly as possible for all concerned.

Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy!

[peboh]

@Goingtothebudgies

I'd put money on OP having used contraception for many years when she'd started her own business and didn't want to have a child. In that context I don't think it's so unreasonable for the man to have assumed that she was back on contraception when he'd made it crystal clear that he absolutely didn't want another baby. She made the deliberate decision not to use contraceptives, or to tell him that she wasn't using them.
And then she calls the pregnancy an accident.

I agree with this.
I'm not placing the blame on op, as at the end of the day they're both adults and should have been able to have a frank and mature discussion regarding contraception after deciding to have a child. However it isn't unreasonable for the man to believe that she was still on contraception.
I'm on the coil due to a joint decision between dh and I, however if I was to have that removed and not tell dh he'd have no idea we were no longer protected against pregnancy as he'd assume I still had the coil.

[MrDarcysMa]

Op it's up to you if you want to continue with the pregnancy or not. I imagine your relationship is over either way so you'd need to seriously think about being a single mother and if you can make that work along with caring for your 5 year old.

[CodenameVillanelle]

[quote bib26]@CodenameVillanelle As I previously said, both of them are in the wrong. He had unprotected sex knowing that there was a possibility of her falling pregnant, and it seems as though OP was having unprotected sex with the aim of getting pregnant, even though he told her he didn't want a child. Nothing to do with gender.[/quote]
Yeah, you said she baby trapped him. That is misogynist. Deny it if you want; makes no difference.