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Pregnancy

Husband wants me to abort 2nd child

155 replies

Faye3455 · 19/01/2021 15:24

Hi all, I am looking for some advice. I have just turned 40, been married for 7 years, have a 5 year old girl and have 2 teenage stepdaughters. I have always wanted another child, but I started a new business when my daughter was born, therefore that took priority. Just over a year ago I found out I was pregnant and was overjoyed! My husband was a bit shocked but seemed quite happy, then at 11 weeks I miscarried. It was a scary experience and it took me quite a while to get over it, but it made me realise I really wanted another child. I spoke to my husband about trying for a baby and he was very quiet, then as I pushed the topic, he lost it! Telling me he didn't want another baby, after a lot of tears etc, I backed down and we got a puppy in lockdown. I was happy :-) and resided to the fact that I was not going to have another baby. Then I just found out that I am 6 weeks pregnant. I was scared to tell him, and when I did all he said was..'well that's not what we planned'. For 3 days he did not mention it, until I asked if he has told his daughters (as I didn't want anyone to know so soon) and he went off on one, saying that he wanted me to get an abortion, and that if I didn't he wouldn't hang around, and to not think if I just carried on with the pregnancy he would get used to it, because he wouldn't. I was so upset, I jumped in the car and went to my M&D's for a few hours to get my head straight. I am so angry as this was clearly a accident, but I am happy. When I backed down about trying for a baby a year ago, I played my part. I got rid of my ovulation apps and stopped thinking about it, but he has done nothing. Not booked himself in for the snip, he doesn't even bother to put a condom on! Obvs I wasn't caring if I got pregnant or not, but if he felt so strongly he should have prevented this happening in the first place? My husband is the type to avoid hard conversations unless I bring things up, then he can be quite nasty. So...I came home from my M&D's, acted upbeat and have not mentioned anything and we are getting on great. I am waiting for him to bring it up with me, but he won't unless I do first, which I'm not going to do as that will make it easy for him! I am having this baby with or without his help, as NO ONE surely regrets having a child, but I bet most regret having an abortion to make their husband happy. The thing is, if I keep this baby my marriage might end, but If I get rid of it, I could never forgive him or myself, so my marriage will end anyway! I am just so disappointed in what he said to me and I can't sleep at night (he sleeps no problem!). He is away to Sea this week for a month, so by the time he comes home I will be 10 weeks. Any advice would be appreciated xx

OP posts:
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SunshineCake · 19/01/2021 17:20

Some really bitchy comments on here.

He knew she wanted another child. He knew she wasn't using contraception. This is all on him. He wanted condom free sex and now is bullying her and being a shit.

So many posts blaming the woman. Horrible.

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Olivebranch26 · 19/01/2021 17:22

@Faye3455 I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't read these comments considering how harsh they are. Then again you get some horrible people with negative things to say. If I were you I would not even consider getting an abortion, thats your baby that you did indeed want and you will never forget if you made a decision like that. However it seems there may be a chance your marriage could end if he doesn't come around and if you can accept that he could leave then it is what it is. You've already conceived, unless you abort to save your marriage alone (which it likely wont) then there's not much you can do about it. I've had those awful nights where my husband sleeps peacefully and I cry all night, the only way I have ever got through to him is to completely understand where he is coming from and play nice with him until he comes around. Good luck xx

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SoupDragon · 19/01/2021 17:22

Yes he didn't put a condom on or get the snip but...

There is no "but". He is responsible for his own fertility. He did not want any more children but wasn't bothered enough to do anything about it.

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Littlewhitedove2 · 19/01/2021 17:26

If my husband cared so little for me after having unprotected sex with me and playing his part in getting me pregnant, I would seriously need to think if i actually wanted to be with him anyway

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ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown · 19/01/2021 17:26

Imagine watching your wife go through a miscarriage and then susequently demanding she go through a termination of a baby she wants to have. I couldn't get past this.

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LadyEloise · 19/01/2021 17:27

I think he wanted his cake and to eat it too. No vasectomy or condom. He has two daughters who have each other.
It would be nice for your dd to have a sibling. Hopefully they'd get on.

OP for those posters saying plough on with the pregnancy either alone or with a fuming husband., what would happen if the baby had disabilities, mental, physical or both. Could you cope alone ?

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bib26 · 19/01/2021 17:27

It seems like your initial plan of baby trapping your husband completely backfired. Both of you are most definitely in the wrong and extremely selfish, contraception is very accessible. Did you consider how this may impact your 5 year old?

My parents were 41 when they had me, later realising that I was disabled, and they split up not too long after, meaning my mother had to raise me on her own which basically became her full time job. You must consider the high likelihood of complications that come with having a baby at 40. It is important to have both parents in your life as a child, though especially as a child with special needs.

Ultimately, it is your decision, though it would be unfair to bring another child into a broken family.

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MatildaTheCat · 19/01/2021 17:28

The OP asked for advice not a debate on the rights and wrongs of the situation. This is a real person in distress and this is not AIBU. So how about some kindness and actual words of advice.

@Faye3455 I’ve already posted my thoughts on (I think) page 3. I hope you can scroll through all the mudslingers and pick out the very few posts that actually give you some practical advice.

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vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 19/01/2021 17:29

OP, your body, your choice.

I'm teaching my sons that if they don't have a baby they need to either not have sex, use a condom or get the snip. His body, those are his choices.

For some PP, here are the rules of misogyny that I have observed on this thread. FFS.

1st rule of misogyny: Women are responsible for what men do.
3rd rule of misogyny: Women speaking for themselves are exclusionary and selfish.
7th rule of misogyny: Women should always be grateful to men for everything.
12th rule of misogyny: whatever women suffer from, men suffer from more.

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unmarkedbythat · 19/01/2021 17:29

@SoupDragon

Yes he didn't put a condom on or get the snip but...

There is no "but". He is responsible for his own fertility. He did not want any more children but wasn't bothered enough to do anything about it.

Indeed, and she is responsible for her choices. She had unprotected sex with a man who made it clear he did not want another child and now is apparently shocked and angry that she is pregnant and he does not want to have another child. Both of them sound like selfish arseholes.
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flowers08 · 19/01/2021 17:31

no I'm sorry but I dont think its harsh atall. I think its reality - they have both behaved terribly.

what's harsh is the child that is going to be brought into this world, another child who's dad doesnt want to know and a mum who doesnt care about that fact aslong as she fulfils her desire to have a baby. If this was a genuine accident, as in contraceptive failure, then yes, okay, it can happen. but to continue to have unprotected sex for a year? come on.

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Yohoheaveho · 19/01/2021 17:32

My husband is the type to avoid hard conversations unless I bring things up, then he can be quite nasty
it's his way or no way, you may see him as a partner but he see's himself as your BOSS

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MsHedgehog · 19/01/2021 17:32

I mean, as much as we're blaming the husband for not wearing a condom or getting the snip, you do talk about contraception when you're in a relationship, so either that conversation was never had, in which case they're both at fault, or she misled him into thinking she's taking precautions, in which case she's at fault.

Either way, regardless of who wants kids and who doesn't, you have that conversation!

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ThreeLocusts · 19/01/2021 17:32

OP I think you have it exactly right. If you abort a desired pregnancy for his sake, your relationship will definitely be over. If you don't and he can't get his head around it, it will be too. It may already be too late because - as others here have said - he is being a total dick about it all. If he was so keen to avoid a pregnancy he should have taken steps.

Don't let anyone blame you for getting pregnant. Prepare for a future as a single parent, do what you can to protect yourself and your children, and hope for the best. Maybe he'll come round. Maybe.

In bocca al lupo, into the jaws of the wolf, they say in Italian, meaning good luck for a difficult endeavour. All the best.

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Whybot · 19/01/2021 17:34

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nocoolnamesleft · 19/01/2021 17:34

The person who doesn't want a baby should have to take responsibility for the contraception.

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user686833 · 19/01/2021 17:36

I'm sorry why should the OP take artificial hormonal contraception with a multitude of side effects and potential long term health implications just incase her husband wants to ejaculate inside her without a condom or vasectomy? Unless the OP volunteered to take contraception and actually didn't this is 100% on the husband. How dare he just assume she was ok to take hormonal contraception to satisfy his urges and not even check? He had no right to be angry and noone had any right to push the blame on her.

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Azerothi · 19/01/2021 17:36

As an aside and I know there will be a reason you haven't stated this in your OP but your writing style and grammar choices are that of a much younger woman.
If you are much younger do you have proper support other than running off to your mum and dad?

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truthisalie · 19/01/2021 17:37

I think he wanted to end this marriage.

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oakleaffy · 19/01/2021 17:38

@SoupDragon

Men should be very very careful.

If they don't want children they should have a vasectomy. End of story.

They - men- might want a child when they are older, more settled, absolutely sure they have the right partner.

Until then, condom up. Always.
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Goingtothebudgies · 19/01/2021 17:39

I imagine he assumed that you would use contraception - as men tend to do. You didn't use contraception because you wanted a baby. You knew that he hadn't taken any measures to prevent pregnancy.
So yes, he should have used contraception. But no way was this an accident. I imagine that you hoped that he would accept the baby once you were pregnant. Or wanted the baby more than you cared about him divorcing you. So now your marriage is over. You just need to calmly have the conversation with him and get ready for single parenthood. Try to keep the relationship as amicable as possible, as you have shared children.

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Aspiringmatriarch · 19/01/2021 17:39

@flowers08

no I'm sorry but I dont think its harsh atall. I think its reality - they have both behaved terribly.

what's harsh is the child that is going to be brought into this world, another child who's dad doesnt want to know and a mum who doesnt care about that fact aslong as she fulfils her desire to have a baby. If this was a genuine accident, as in contraceptive failure, then yes, okay, it can happen. but to continue to have unprotected sex for a year? come on.

This is so sanctimonious. The mum obviously does care, or she wouldn't be posting here in distress. I can't see how she's done anything awful by having sex with her husband who apparently doesn't want a baby but also won't wear condoms or have the snip. The only other contraceptive options have side effects for many women, why should she subject herself to that so her husband can have a nice fulfilling sex life while ignoring his wife's wish for another child and expecting her to bear the brunt of making sure it doesn't happen?
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isitsafetocomeoutyet · 19/01/2021 17:40

@Azerothi

As an aside and I know there will be a reason you haven't stated this in your OP but your writing style and grammar choices are that of a much younger woman.
If you are much younger do you have proper support other than running off to your mum and dad?

Op says she's just turned 40
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sofiaaaaaa · 19/01/2021 17:41

Take him at his word and start getting things together when he’s away, whether that’s packing his bags or moving out yourself

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SoupDragon · 19/01/2021 17:42

They - men- might want a child when they are older, more settled, absolutely sure they have the right partner.

I said "if they don't want children" not "if they don't want children yet". If they don't want children they should have a vasectomy or abstain from sex.

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