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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Husband wants me to abort 2nd child

155 replies

Faye3455 · 19/01/2021 15:24

Hi all, I am looking for some advice. I have just turned 40, been married for 7 years, have a 5 year old girl and have 2 teenage stepdaughters. I have always wanted another child, but I started a new business when my daughter was born, therefore that took priority. Just over a year ago I found out I was pregnant and was overjoyed! My husband was a bit shocked but seemed quite happy, then at 11 weeks I miscarried. It was a scary experience and it took me quite a while to get over it, but it made me realise I really wanted another child. I spoke to my husband about trying for a baby and he was very quiet, then as I pushed the topic, he lost it! Telling me he didn't want another baby, after a lot of tears etc, I backed down and we got a puppy in lockdown. I was happy :-) and resided to the fact that I was not going to have another baby. Then I just found out that I am 6 weeks pregnant. I was scared to tell him, and when I did all he said was..'well that's not what we planned'. For 3 days he did not mention it, until I asked if he has told his daughters (as I didn't want anyone to know so soon) and he went off on one, saying that he wanted me to get an abortion, and that if I didn't he wouldn't hang around, and to not think if I just carried on with the pregnancy he would get used to it, because he wouldn't. I was so upset, I jumped in the car and went to my M&D's for a few hours to get my head straight. I am so angry as this was clearly a accident, but I am happy. When I backed down about trying for a baby a year ago, I played my part. I got rid of my ovulation apps and stopped thinking about it, but he has done nothing. Not booked himself in for the snip, he doesn't even bother to put a condom on! Obvs I wasn't caring if I got pregnant or not, but if he felt so strongly he should have prevented this happening in the first place? My husband is the type to avoid hard conversations unless I bring things up, then he can be quite nasty. So...I came home from my M&D's, acted upbeat and have not mentioned anything and we are getting on great. I am waiting for him to bring it up with me, but he won't unless I do first, which I'm not going to do as that will make it easy for him! I am having this baby with or without his help, as NO ONE surely regrets having a child, but I bet most regret having an abortion to make their husband happy. The thing is, if I keep this baby my marriage might end, but If I get rid of it, I could never forgive him or myself, so my marriage will end anyway! I am just so disappointed in what he said to me and I can't sleep at night (he sleeps no problem!). He is away to Sea this week for a month, so by the time he comes home I will be 10 weeks. Any advice would be appreciated xx

OP posts:

fassbendersmistress · 19/01/2021 17:00

I am sorry OP this is a crap situation to be in. However, I do think you and your DH have both behaved irresponsibly. What does it take for 2 adults to have an open conversation about contraception when it’s clear there are differing views? You need to sit down with him now and talk. It’s the only way out of this. With or without him.

VinylDetective · 19/01/2021 17:01

@Stay123

Why on earth didn’t you use contraception? You were obvious trying to get pregnant when he’d told you he didn’t want another child. Now you’re playing the poor me card. A massive thing to lump on someone.

Why didn’t he? He was the one who didn’t want a baby. Why is it all a woman’s responsibility?

LochJessMonster · 19/01/2021 17:02

@LucyLockdown

Congratulations on your baby. You won't regret keeping it.

Really? A 40 year old single mum with a newborn and a 5 year old, in the middle of separating/moving out?

You have no idea how she is going to cope.
She might be fine. She might not.

isitsafetocomeoutyet · 19/01/2021 17:02

@LucyLockdown

Congratulations on your baby. You won't regret keeping it.

Meanwhile on planet earth...

Sorry but there's some incredibly unhelpful posts on here.

This isn't a soap opera or a fairy tale. This is a family about to be torn apart whatever happens.

Of course the op could regret keeping the baby. And no doubt the ops dc will have some pretty big feelings on it too

Op get some independent advice. Ignore the anti abortion counselling website linked already. Vultures. Honestly.

Aspiringmatriarch · 19/01/2021 17:02

I'm shocked at some of these replies. Trash human? Really?
OP you need to do what is right for you, and accept that maybe your marriage is over. He wasn't taking any precautions and knew that you weren't, so it's hardly as if you've done something underhand. Obviously conceiving a child with someone who doesn't want one is a less than ideal situation but he has equal responsibility for the outcome of unprotected sex, which was entirely predictable.

WalkingOnStarshine · 19/01/2021 17:03

This is ridiculous, you knew you'd end up in this mess if you fell pregnant but didn't take any steps to prevent it. Of course he should have too, although I'm amazed that two people not wanting a child carried on having sex without any contraception. It sounds like such a shame for your 5 year old that her parents are going to split up because neither of them took responsibility. You're adults, not a couple of teenagers.

withmycoffee · 19/01/2021 17:04

@2bazookas

If your marriage ends then your 5 yr old is going to suffer and two teenagers will have a disruption. Plus the baby will miss having a united family.

Perhaps you should have considered their futures when he told you he doesn't want a fourth child.

You seem to be dumping all the responsibilities onto the OP. He didn't want another child. He should have actively taken steps to prevent it happening. Why in God's name is this the OPs fault?

flowers08 · 19/01/2021 17:05

I'm all for advocating womens rights but I really think this is both of them being careless and being really quite immature. you shouldn't be having sex if you cant comprehend that this could be the outcome, it's not okay to try and get pregnant deliberately by someone who so adamantly doesnt want a baby but it is also not okay to continue to have unprotected sex with someone if you feel that strongly. you have both acted really selfishly and the more I think about it, the worse it gets.

there is an actual baby at the centre of this and both of you need to grow up and fast.

Viviennemary · 19/01/2021 17:05

Both of you are at fault here. And both of you should know better at your age. If you don't use contraception there is every chance you will get pregnant. How much does it take to get that simple fact into people's heads. A lot going off daily posts on here about unexpected pregnancies.

withmycoffee · 19/01/2021 17:05

@Stay123

You mean why didn't the OP take chemicals to arrive at a situation her DH wanted??Why couldn't her DH get the snip or use a condom?

GreenlandTheMovie · 19/01/2021 17:05

And it didn't occur to him to raise the topic of contraception? If he's the one who didn't want another pregnancy, then obviously he's more responsible for taking steps to ensure theres contraception in place.

But anyway, its happened now. Its only really you who can take the decision to keep trying with this rather difficult man, or whether you want the baby more. I think the advice of getting your ducks in a row is sensible.

beantrader · 19/01/2021 17:06

It's you're right to keep this baby and it's also his right to not want to stay. Have you talked about why he doesn't want another baby?

I am a bit that you managed to accidently get pregnant twice in a year. You must be very fertile.

MrsWindass · 19/01/2021 17:07

blame the OP when her DH didnt use any contraceptives or have the snip

You both sound like a selfish pair . You knew what you were doing and he was an idiot !

ktp100 · 19/01/2021 17:08

Are you on contraception, OP?

It sounds like your DH has all of the opinions re; pregnancy but shirks all of the responsibility of falling pregnant.

He's within his rights to not want more children. He has 3 after all. You only have 1 though and you are also within your rights to want more, especially after a miscarriage and now feeling happy to be pregnant.

It sounds like he is going to use the marriage/keeping the family together as emotional blackmail but don't allow yourself to be bullied into doing something you don't want to do, OP.

Take some time to think about how you truly feel and how things are likely to go in all scenarios. Ultimately, the ball is in your court though.

As an aside, I can't believe how many judgemental arseholes have cropped up on this post!! Pure twats.

tatutata · 19/01/2021 17:08

Fuck me, that puts my marital gripes into perspective. What a cock.

Housing101 · 19/01/2021 17:09

He should have made sure he couldn't get you pregnant. Condoms / vasectomy. If he feels so strongly.

It is your choice what to do now.
I can see why he would not want you to keep it if he doesn't want another baby and you are 40 so there's an increased likelihood of complications / disability. You need to consider if you will be able to be a lone parent if he (or you) don't want to continue the relationship.

BL89 · 19/01/2021 17:10

I can't believe some of the responses on here!! If the husband didn't want anymore children, he should have done something about it. Why is it always for the woman to take charge of contraception? Good luck op

oakleaffy · 19/01/2021 17:11

Sounded like you got pregnant “ on purpose “ despite him not wanting any more kids- he was honest enough to say no more kids.

Men really do need to get vasectomies and condom up as this is an alarmingly common occurrence .

Prepare to be a single parent if you go ahead.
Just being realistic.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/01/2021 17:11

It sounds like communication between the two of you is difficult. So much so you didn’t discuss contraception together. He probably presumed lazily this was your responsibility; it is not, it is joint. I am reading a lot of resentment between the two of you, otherwise why else would you have let him make this assumption? Bottom line, he’s been an idiot and not talking to him was rather passive aggressive on your part.

I don’t think you specifically tricked him into having a baby. However, you weren’t exactly honest. I would say keep the baby, of course. You’re going to have to grow up a bit though op, your decision making is a bit skewed. You’ll soon have a distraught 5 year old, a bouncy puppy and a baby possibly permanently on your own.

toconclude · 19/01/2021 17:16

@LucyLockdown

Congratulations on your baby. You won't regret keeping it.

You seem very sure. I'm not.

oakleaffy · 19/01/2021 17:16

@beantrader

It's you're right to keep this baby and it's also his right to not want to stay. Have you talked about why he doesn't want another baby?

I am a bit that you managed to accidently get pregnant twice in a year. You must be very fertile.

All women know about the (Pikachu face) “ I’m pregnant! It is an accident “

Not an accident but planned by the woman.

Men should be very very careful.
When that baby yen hits women, all sense goes out of the window.

Hugoslavia · 19/01/2021 17:16

Well, he's being an arsehole and very unfair to you. He saw how upset you were after your miscarriage. Then, as you say, he took no responsibility to avoid this situation again. Asking you to abort it is beyond heartless as he is quite happy to put you through all that pain again. If he didn't want a second family, then he shouldn't have married you, knowing that you wanted children. He had two children previously, so they had closely aged siblings. Why shouldn't your daughter also have a brother or sister if you are able to carry to term. Why should he restrict you to just one anyway? Did he make that clear before you got married? I would wait for him to bring it up and then I would make it clear that if he doesn't want this baby, that is absolutely fine. However, he can explain to his relatives why you have left him, because you refused to have an abortion following on from a painful miscarriage! I would also tell him that unless he gets on board fast, you will be applying for full custody once it is born. Tbh, unless he bought it up and was extremely apologetic and said that he panicked, I would be packing his bags for him whilst he's away at sea next!

2pinkginsplease · 19/01/2021 17:18

If he was adamant that he wanted no more children he should have been using contraception!

I’m not sure why people are getting angry at you, you want another child he doesn’t, therefore he should have been more careful! It’s not like you tricked him into it All.

Runkle · 19/01/2021 17:19

Yes he didn't put a condom on or get the snip but OP still opened her legs knowing a baby could be a real possibility and would be like throwing a grenade into their family life given her husband's past reaction.
You've both been incredibly selfish and I can't believe youre 40 and acting like this. Hey ho.

SoupDragon · 19/01/2021 17:20

Men should be very very careful.

If they don't want children they should have a vasectomy. End of story.

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