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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Husband wants me to abort 2nd child

155 replies

Faye3455 · 19/01/2021 15:24

Hi all, I am looking for some advice. I have just turned 40, been married for 7 years, have a 5 year old girl and have 2 teenage stepdaughters. I have always wanted another child, but I started a new business when my daughter was born, therefore that took priority. Just over a year ago I found out I was pregnant and was overjoyed! My husband was a bit shocked but seemed quite happy, then at 11 weeks I miscarried. It was a scary experience and it took me quite a while to get over it, but it made me realise I really wanted another child. I spoke to my husband about trying for a baby and he was very quiet, then as I pushed the topic, he lost it! Telling me he didn't want another baby, after a lot of tears etc, I backed down and we got a puppy in lockdown. I was happy :-) and resided to the fact that I was not going to have another baby. Then I just found out that I am 6 weeks pregnant. I was scared to tell him, and when I did all he said was..'well that's not what we planned'. For 3 days he did not mention it, until I asked if he has told his daughters (as I didn't want anyone to know so soon) and he went off on one, saying that he wanted me to get an abortion, and that if I didn't he wouldn't hang around, and to not think if I just carried on with the pregnancy he would get used to it, because he wouldn't. I was so upset, I jumped in the car and went to my M&D's for a few hours to get my head straight. I am so angry as this was clearly a accident, but I am happy. When I backed down about trying for a baby a year ago, I played my part. I got rid of my ovulation apps and stopped thinking about it, but he has done nothing. Not booked himself in for the snip, he doesn't even bother to put a condom on! Obvs I wasn't caring if I got pregnant or not, but if he felt so strongly he should have prevented this happening in the first place? My husband is the type to avoid hard conversations unless I bring things up, then he can be quite nasty. So...I came home from my M&D's, acted upbeat and have not mentioned anything and we are getting on great. I am waiting for him to bring it up with me, but he won't unless I do first, which I'm not going to do as that will make it easy for him! I am having this baby with or without his help, as NO ONE surely regrets having a child, but I bet most regret having an abortion to make their husband happy. The thing is, if I keep this baby my marriage might end, but If I get rid of it, I could never forgive him or myself, so my marriage will end anyway! I am just so disappointed in what he said to me and I can't sleep at night (he sleeps no problem!). He is away to Sea this week for a month, so by the time he comes home I will be 10 weeks. Any advice would be appreciated xx

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 19/01/2021 17:43

The partner who doesn't want to have a baby has to be responsible for contraception. Nothing is 100%, so if you neither of you want a baby it is good to double up contraception

peboh · 19/01/2021 17:43

When you both agreed no more children, did a discussion of contraception not come up? I'm really struggling that two grown adults didn't discuss contraception. Did he say he'd get the snip, and he didn't? Did you tell him you'd go on contraception, and didn't?
How they hell do two adults in their 40s accidentally fall pregnant after that discussion.
Keep the baby by all means, but consider the implications it's going to have on the rest of your life, and wether you find it's going to be worth it. People do regret having children, it's more common than you'd believe.

unbotheredbutbewildered · 19/01/2021 17:45

Sorry but this;

Not booked himself in for the snip, he doesn't even bother to put a condom on! Obvs I wasn't caring if I got pregnant or not, but if he felt so strongly he should have prevented this happening in the first place?

Is not cool. You are perfectly capable of asking a grown man to put a condom on. If he said no, another matter but it sounds like you didn't even ask...

If you knew he didn't want a child and yet you chose not to 'care' if you got pregnant or not. You are hardly Mother Teresa. You are potentially bringing a child into the world where a parent doesn't want it; and you've done that knowingly. Imagine how that child is going to feel? Imagine how your 5 year old will feel if they lose their father over this? It's incredibly selfish.

Contraception is the duty of BOTH parties. I can't help but think you clearly thought 'fuck this, I want a baby and he can live with the consequences.' He was an idiot, but you have behaved awfully.

Honestly, you two should separate. He will not get over this and neither will you. Think of the child you already have and prioritise them over everything else in this.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/01/2021 17:45

@truthisalie

I think he wanted to end this marriage.
I think OP wanted a baby more than her marriage. So they both get what they wanted if you’re right.
peboh · 19/01/2021 17:47

Also to add, as a child whose father decided at the age of one that he didn't want her, please consider your unborn child and how they'll grow up knowing their dad never wanted them.

Nancylovesthecock · 19/01/2021 17:49

You both sound far too emotionally immature to be having ANY children.

Who just carries on having sex without protection (both of you!) when you have agreed no more children a year ago?

crowisland · 19/01/2021 17:50
  1. both partners sound irresponsible
  2. re. bib26's claim of 'high likelihood of complications'pls get your facts right. The likelihood is highER than a younger woman's pregnancythat's all. Most pregnancies of 40 year olds are problem-free. Many risks (for mother and baby) are certainly much higher than for women under 34, but still overall very low. E.g., risk of Trisomy-21 (Downs Syndrome) is only 1%. in over-40s. Chance of miscarriage is 30%--so 2/3 of over-40 pregnancies do NOT miscarry. etc. After many miscarriages, I adopted--and wouldn't have it any other way! Can't imagine life without my dd.
Aspiringmatriarch · 19/01/2021 17:52

I think it's catastrophising to assume the marriage is definitely over. Clearly they've hit a rocky patch and OP needs to accept the possibility of being a single parent. But while he's being a dick about this, I don't think it's necessarily very responsible to post telling the OP to leave him without giving things a chance to settle down. If that's ultimately the right thing, then fair enough, but she's in a very difficult and emotional situation and I wouldn't be advising hair trigger reactions personally.

MissBPotter · 19/01/2021 18:15

If op had refused sex unless he used a condom he probably wouldn’t have been happy about that either. He is very stupid and lazy to have allowed this to happen. You obviously don’t want an abortion so don’t have one. Good luck to you.

Hoppinggreen · 19/01/2021 18:20

What about your 5 year old? It’s her I feel sorry for
She is about to see her family disintegrate because you selfishly want another baby, your husband had unprotected sex with you irresponsibly and neither of you are actually grown up enough to discuss it properly

ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown · 19/01/2021 18:28

Wanting another child is never selfless though is it, we all have babies for reasons of wanting one! (Well we shouldn't be made to have one if we don't want one, unfortunately this doesn't apply to men but they have an easy way to prevent conception most of the time)

CodenameVillanelle · 19/01/2021 18:32

@bib26

It seems like your initial plan of baby trapping your husband completely backfired. Both of you are most definitely in the wrong and extremely selfish, contraception is very accessible. Did you consider how this may impact your 5 year old?

My parents were 41 when they had me, later realising that I was disabled, and they split up not too long after, meaning my mother had to raise me on her own which basically became her full time job. You must consider the high likelihood of complications that come with having a baby at 40. It is important to have both parents in your life as a child, though especially as a child with special needs.

Ultimately, it is your decision, though it would be unfair to bring another child into a broken family.

He didn't use contraception, you disgusting misogynist
GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 19/01/2021 18:37

He didn't use contraception, you disgusting misogynist
Neither did she...!? And while unprotected sex affects has consequences for BOTH partners, it remains BOTH partners' responsibility to ensure contraception is in place.

CodenameVillanelle · 19/01/2021 18:41

@GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy

He didn't use contraception, you disgusting misogynist Neither did she...!? And while unprotected sex affects has consequences for BOTH partners, it remains BOTH partners' responsibility to ensure contraception is in place.
They accused her of baby trapping. That is not what happened. He didn't use contraception so he wasn't trapped.
flowers08 · 19/01/2021 18:44

@Aspiringmatriarch not at all. but they both have responsibility here and it is not the baby who is going to be at the center of its fault that their parents didnt get their shit together. no matter what way you look at it, they have both acted selfishly. its not an accident after having unprotected sex for a year, which presumably both parties here were aware of. so I'm not going to apologise for thinking they have behaved terribly, 5 year old is going to be hit by this if they break up and unborn child is also going to be hit by it, by having a father who didnt/doesn't want them.

flowers08 · 19/01/2021 18:47

@Aspiringmatriarch he could of put something on the end of it and equally, she could of insisted if she didnt want to take the pill.

bib26 · 19/01/2021 18:48

@CodenameVillanelle nor did she. Please google the definition of misogynist.

user686833 · 19/01/2021 18:48

Neither did she...!? And while unprotected sex affects has consequences for BOTH partners, it remains BOTH partners' responsibility to ensure contraception is in place

No, it is the man's responsibility since he is the only one who can use contraception that doesn't carry side effects.

MrsW150917 · 19/01/2021 18:51

What's done is done now you can't change it, it happened, everyone does things they probably wouldn't have done if they could do it all over again and she's probably thinking to herself after reading these posts "omg, what have I seriously gone and done?!" But clearly this lady has reached out for help now she is in this situation. I really feel for you @Faye3455 it sounds like you're head must be all over the place right now.
You have to choose whether you can live with the fact you abort, in which is probably your last chance at having the baby you so really want! and then be able to move on and live happy with husband without resenting him for the rest of your life. Or decide you will go ahead with the baby but be prepared you may have to do this alone. And yes it may mean splitting up the family if he's not willing to come around to it.

There is only you who can make this decision.
Just take time out, reach out and think things over and just know that which ever decision you make I'm sure you'll look back in the future and realise It was the right one in the end.
It'll all work out I'm sure xxx

Aspiringmatriarch · 19/01/2021 18:51

Well, ok. They're in the situation now, berating OP isn't going to change that. I guess she could have stopped having sex with him but she can hardly force him to wear a condom. And we don't know the details of their relationship - not to be a mumsnet cliche but there could be a coercive element. It wouldn't be out of character with the rest of what OP has written about him. I think it's pretty horrible to leap to condemning a pregnant woman in a difficult situation anyway. Not singling you out just in general on this thread. But I guess things never really change.

spidermomma · 19/01/2021 18:52

He sounds like a dick. Like you said if he didn't want another he should of took them precautions not all on you as he knew you wanted another

You do what you want because either way your marriage is over been with such a tool. Either live in regret because you did as you was told or have the baby you wanted, be happy and forget he ever brought you down to even write this about him xx

CodenameVillanelle · 19/01/2021 18:52

[quote bib26]@CodenameVillanelle nor did she. Please google the definition of misogynist.[/quote]
You're a misogynist because you think a woman having sex with her husband who chooses not to use contraception is 'baby trapping' him
That makes you a misogynist

Aspiringmatriarch · 19/01/2021 18:52

Sorry, that was replying to flowers08.

GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 19/01/2021 18:53

No, it is the man's responsibility since he is the only one who can use contraception that doesn't carry side effects.
Hang on, you genuinely believe contraception is the man's responsibility!? What decade are you from??

CodenameVillanelle · 19/01/2021 18:54

@GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy

No, it is the man's responsibility since he is the only one who can use contraception that doesn't carry side effects. Hang on, you genuinely believe contraception is the man's responsibility!? What decade are you from??
If the woman doesn't want to use hormonal contraception for any reason then the man needs to use condoms or not put his penis anywhere near the woman's vagina.
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