Potty training support for a four-year-old starting school in September

[DearDog96]

Hi all,

DD is 4 and is showing no signs of being ready to train yet which is concerning me as she’s due to be starting school in September. We’ve had a few failed attempts in the past, and she just doesn’t seem to be getting the hang of knowing when she needs to go. The doctors and HV have been supportive and keep giving me all these different tactics to try but to no avail and since I’ve recently had another baby we’ve resorted back to nappies again.

Please don’t come for me, I know she’s late to be trained! Just looking for some support, tips, and to know I’m not the only one still having to change a 4 year old x

If she is from a warm loving environment why is she so far behind with toilet training? Your job as a parent is to get your children World Ready. The World is not warm and loving: as you know it is hard and demands certain standards that do not impinge on the rest of Society, i.e. a Teacher has to teach not change wet pants/nappies.

Just get your job done. Lots of bribery. She has used a potty before so the toilet might be better.

Op you have gotten a lot of stick on here. These types of threads always bring out the perfect peters who like to lord over others. Ignore them.

My advice is similar to others to just do it. I’m pretty no nonsense with these sorts of things and I don’t care for slow weaning off and transitions as such. I decided when something is happening for my dc and I just do it.
Both my own dc were potty trained by 18 months day and night (one with Sen and health issues), dummies gone by age 1 and using proper cups straight from bottles. I don’t have the time or patience to mess around. I just say this is how it is, no more nappies, dummies etc then we crack on. We carry on as normal and if accidents happen I clean it up with their help, quickly and without a big deal and move on. I don’t do bribes etc it just is how it is end of discussion.

I used the same approach for a child I was looking after who had significant Sen, carers were struggling with toilet training for years, age 5 still unresolved so I just got on with it, didn’t give an option or make a fuss. This dc would cry and scream trying to avoid the toilet, but I’d just stick to a firm you are going before we get in the car, or whatever, then I’d stand and wait. You will always outlast them in a stand off. It doesn’t need to be distressing or coddling. Bright and beeezy, this is how it is, move on.

She still has the bottle and dummy?! Why!!!!! All I see in your responses are excuses "she's not the only one", she is VERY MUCH in the minority!

You can crack this in 6 weeks!

One of the biggest parts of potty training isnt actually using the potty or toilet. As other posters have said it being able to pull trousers and pants down, and back up again. And washing hands.

You say she can get dressed, so I think half the battle is won. Now it's time for using the loo and wiping. A 4 yo should be able to pick this up quicker than a younger child.

You just need to start. Have a chat. Explain that she is a big girl now and nappies are for babies....look at your tiny brother in his nappies....

So, here is a pack of buttons. Every time you go to the loo, you get one. Even if its 10 minutes before dinner.

So, let's take that nappy off. Next time you think you might do a wee, run to the loo! Shout for buttons!

Do it now @DearDog96 let's see how she gets on this afternoon!

This is all very sad.

Please don't tell her that she has to 'give up her bottles, dummy and nappies because she is going to school' - what a sure fired way to make her hate the idea of school.

Has she attended any 'taster sessions'?

I completely disagree. If it's framed properly, she will be excited about starting school and all that goes with it. That includes being too old for dummies, bottles, and nappies. The OP has already said her DD won't have a dummy or bottle at school, so there's no reason for her to have them at home either.

It will be a lot sadder if she turns up in 6 weeks with a bottle, dummy and wearing a nappy and then is laughed at by the other children and ostracised for the whole of primary school because of it. That will definitely make her hate school.

You’ve had bucket loads on previous threads. Writing about it to strangers on the internet is not going to get her potty trained. Physically doing it. You are continuing to avoid this.

so what you’ve had another baby? Some people have multiple kids much closer in age and still manage this parenting essential

Goodness, is that what you took from my post?

That is not what I meant, I was just cautioning not to make the link.

Of course, the poor child shouldn't go into school in nappies, with her dummy in , clutching her bottle!

"And I don’t infantilise her, I’m just allowing her to give up things when she’s ready rather than what society deems be the age at which they should be given up. They’re only young once and so I don’t feel the need to be overly focussed on making her give things up"

I'm sorry but you clearly do infantise her. I'm not saying this to be mean or critical but I think you need to reframe the way you think about her to enable her to achieve everything she can.

The NHS website is taking about 4 years having the occasional accident and not being reliable not being 4 and in nappies full time. She can achieve this, you just need to allow her the opportunity and you have hindered her in the past with confusion about changing things. you can't change that now and I'm not trying to have a go but you need to realise that consistency is important moving forwards. You don't want her to be the child wetting their pants on the carpet on reception, the other kids do notice and remember.

I would think really carefully and ensuring she had enough attention as a newborn will be demanding some too and she won't be used to sharing yet. Build in special time to the day for ten minutes where you pay together just the two of you no interruptions or screens. If she struggles with adjusting to having a sibling which is normal this week only making toilet training harder as she will want things the baby has like nappies.

agree with others to forget any concept of waiting for readiness and telling you, take her regularly like every twenty minutes at first, ply her with drinks and ice lollies and big praise for using the toilet. I've supported many children with additional needs who have little language, delayed development and even totally non verbal and this method works well.

Good luck!

You have not been a good mum. Full Stop. Get your act together. I would be Very Angry if my child's education was halted because an adult had not done what they should and Toilet Trained their child. Everyone child's education in that class had to stop because of an adult had not done their parental duty, i.e. to get their child to use a toilet.

A month is nothing. Dont be waiting for her to tell you she needs a wee just send her, regularly. Loads of kids don't realise they need a wee til its right at the last minute and if you are waiting for her to realise and say you are setting her up for failure.

Use the before and after rule - 'dd go to the toilet before we go out' 'dd lets go to the toilet after dinner' 'dd lets have a wee before we put the tv on' 'dd lets go and have a wee and wash our hands before we have a snack'.

Over time you can gradually lengthen the amount of time between sending her for a wee and as her bladder learns to stretch a bit and hold more the sensation of needing a wee will also strengthen which will help.

Most kids take months and months in reality - its a complete myth that if you just wait long enough they're suddenly magically 'ready' and will just 'get it' in a matter of weeks with few accidents.

Loads of kids still have regular small leaks at age 4/5 any reception teacher will tell you - and teachers of kids this age issue plenty of regular reminders to kids to go to the loo - before assembly, at play, before lunch etc.

But you’ve consistently given up.

You have to keep going.

I don’t think mine were ever ready so to speak and the first few weeks it’s more of a case of regularly taking them to the toilet to prevent the accidents until they start saying they need it. My eldest was dry day and night by 2, my youngest about 2.5. We did the oh crap method with youngest and be prepared for those first few days to be awful. Best thing we found was doing it over a weekend with no plans to leave the house and let them just be naked. This is very late considering no SEN, you need to commit a d get this done, it’s not fair to your DC.

What will stop you giving up this time? I thought you had put all dummies away after you started a thread a few months ago, but she is still using them.

@DearDog96I just want to send some positive thoughts and well wishes to you. Potty training and a newborn is going to be difficult. Be kind to yourself. It’s one of those situations that I wish I could help if you were local to me. Good luck x

You made it easy on yourself and now you will have it harder. You have a 4 year old child going to school in a matter of weeks in nappies, still has a baby bottle and a dummy and has never been in a nursery setting. For Gods sake put the bloody work in. Could have all been done now if you had not opted for the easy life.

Unfortunately, but understandably, you followed the advice, prevalent in recent years, to wait until your child shows signs of 'readiness'. This advice has now changed (ERIC and Health Visitors), because it doesn't work for so many children, who are starting school in nappies. The advice is now to be proactive, getting children familiar with a potty from about age 1 (bare this in mind for your second child), and actively training before the age of 2 and a half. Delaying longer for many children becomes much harder. Good luck training your daughter over the summer. She will get there.

Just a warning OP, I worked in primary school and some children who went through stopping and starting were still incontinent in year 2 (7 year olds) because they were confused.

One did become dry at school but not at home because they put her back in nappies at home when she had too many accidents. Parents complained about underwear being constantly soiled, the mess in the bed and the sofa, etc. so they just reverted to nappies.

Just stick with it, no matter how hard and hopefully you will crack it before reception.

No wonder teachers are leaving the profession in droves, with so many lazy, entitled parents abdicating all responsibility for raising their children. Why have another baby when you’re doing such a half-assed job of bringing up your first child?? What will happen when this baby needs weaning/training, you’ll have a third and hope teachers pick up the slack again?!

You seem to think the whole situation isn’t that big a deal, almost laughing about it. Your attitude is shocking!

This is quite the thread 🙄

Toilet training my DD was the only aspect of being mother to a small child that I struggled with because it wasn't easy. DD was 2yrs, 4mths when we started, happy to sit on the loo with a seat (she wasn't interested in the potty) and good at talking. However, like OP's DD, she had no awareness of needing to go. But it never occurred to me to put her back in nappies because we had started a process so we were going to finish it. And finish it we did. It took about three weeks. So you do have time to get it sorted by September but you're going go have to take charge now and communicate confidence to your DD. You're letting her off the hook for reasons unclear, and she will suffer at school if you don't toughen up.

What helped with my DD was making going for a wee a social occasion - singing, a little chat. (I always used the loo with the door open so she saw sitting on it and going as a normal, every day thing.) Particularly memorable was a week in Rome, where there were quite a number of accidents followed by trips back to the apartment we had rented near the Spanish Steps to wash (bum and pants) and change. It was a fag and I was very fed up (DD perfectly happy) but really and truly, washing pants is just a step on the way to a child having the freedom of running around in lovely cotton knickers instead of a heavy, soggy nappy encasing their backside. Persistence is your friend, OP. That's your real challenge, by the sound of it.

I fear the OP isn’t coming back as there’s been a bit of a pile on. Which is a shame as she probably needs people to get her through this.

OP, do come back and let us know how you’re getting on. People can encourage you through the process.

How are things going this week @DearDog96?