Potty training support for a four-year-old starting school in September

[DearDog96]

Hi all,

DD is 4 and is showing no signs of being ready to train yet which is concerning me as she’s due to be starting school in September. We’ve had a few failed attempts in the past, and she just doesn’t seem to be getting the hang of knowing when she needs to go. The doctors and HV have been supportive and keep giving me all these different tactics to try but to no avail and since I’ve recently had another baby we’ve resorted back to nappies again.

Please don’t come for me, I know she’s late to be trained! Just looking for some support, tips, and to know I’m not the only one still having to change a 4 year old x

This isn’t an excuse!! Do you just expect the teachers to change your child’s nappy?! That is not their j.ob! Be honest, when did your child turn 4? You are laughing about this without realising it’s a real problem for those working in primary schools. Is your child really almost 5 but just “really lazy”?’

A lot being a few times because it’s still an issue for me, my daughter and my husband? And I don’t infantilise her, I’m just allowing her to give up things when she’s ready rather than what society deems be the age at which they should be given up. They’re only young once and so I don’t feel the need to be overly focussed on making her give things up, apart from now with the nappies as it’s needed for school in September.

she’s having lots of accidents but I’m remaining optimistic that she’ll be sorted in time for school. No need to defer I don’t think. She’s not developmentally delayed, she’s still within the range many medical professionals deem normal x

She is not within the range “professionals ie, not you” deem normal!!! How old is she exactly?! And what is your job/profession? How dare you abdicate responsibility onto teachers for your own failings as a parent (and having another child isn’t an excuse, btw)

Take the nappy of, put her in pants, give loads to drink, she'll soon get the idea. If you've been to the doctors and nothings wrong. The class teacher is not going to have time to toilet train your child. Shes going to get teased terribly in the playground if you dont sort this ASAP. Not bring horrible but she won't like being wet.

We just used the knickers and feeling wet method. She got the hang of it a bit but regressed and was then making no progress. So will try again but half expecting to make little progress again hence why I’ve asked for any other approaches.

we did get a travel potty which I’ll get back out again!

and it wasn’t just because things became difficult. We were making no progress and I was heavily pregnant/had a newborn. When she was making no connection or effort to use the toilet I decided we might as well go back to the nappies. In hindsight I probably shouldn’t have I’ll admit.

Thanks for the advice. Probably a good idea to skip the potty isn’t it given she’s older now

No such thing as their not ready crap.
As a parent your its your job, as someone said above put them in pants or knickers they will get use to it.
My sister did the same with hers all potty train day and night by 3, they had the odd ooops moment but just cracked on with it one with SEN.
No potty they used the loo no stickers nothing just a good well done you.

All the he or she just not ready is a bullshit, i know a family that say this their 3 kids are not ready the kids are 7,6,4 years old, the school wont take them because they are all still in nappies.

‘Allowing her to give up things when she is ready’ might sound good and kind. But it is also leading to a delay in her progressing.

My teenagers would love to not load the dishwasher or figure out budgeting. Shall I let them wait until they are ready? Or teach them the things they need to learn.

You are her parent. You need to take some control not just keep letting her do what is safe all the time. Long term you are going to need to get comfortable with nudging her out of her comfort zones.

I would go straight to the toilet, there’s no need to use a potty for a 4 year old. I think you’ll just have to persevere, lots of regular taking to the toilet with sticker charts and chocolate button bribes - my youngest was nearly 4 and was a nightmare to get out of nappies.

The training is late as she took ages to make any sort of progress (and still didn’t really) which then meant by the time the newborn arrived I had other things to juggle and couldn’t deal with a million pairs of wet pants everyday!

I don’t have any anxiety about it, just needed to not overload myself while trying to care for a newborn baby! Thanks for the care and advice though x

yes That’s correct as DH and I have always been able to coordinate childcare between us

I agree with the posters who say you need to change the mindset that she will let you know when she’s ready. You need to take the lead by regularly sitting her on the toilet. Her taking the lead will come later and when it does you give her huge amounts of praise.

Summer is the perfect time to do it so crack on. Because having to go into the school to change her will be much more annoying for you than dealing with wet pants at home.

um no and I’m trying to get her trained hence why I’m here. Your attitude and criticism isn’t helping. I can’t do anything about the past now and I’m trying to train her. If I expected them to change her I wouldn’t be doing that. All I’m saying is that if for whatever reason she is still in them come September, she unfortunately won’t be the only one and the school are prepared for this

she’s also 4 years 4 months so a) not nearly 5 and b) why wouldn’t I be honest about her age? Stop being so patronising to make yourself feel better

is she not? How come one of the NHS websites states “by age 4, most children are reliably dry during the day” I.e some will still have issues around toileting. My own gp as well has been supportive and says it’s fine as long as it’s sorted by school. So no it’s not just me.

secondly, why are you obsessed with how old she is?

thirdly I’m a nurse, what’s your profession? Other than putting other mums down on a public forum.

finally, the whole reason I’m here is so no one has to change her in September. I don’t appreciate your patronising tone and use of “how dare you” to try and belittle me. We’ve all made mistakes and could’ve done things better, I’m sure you’ve had times like that in your life too. You’re no better of a parent than I am because your child was trained at 2, and no I haven’t failed as a parent. She’s from a warm, safe and loving home and is being supported to develop as she feels ready. That’s not a failing parent

7,6 and 4?? I’ve never heard of them being that old?

My DS is autistic, he didn't become come out of nappies until 5 and that was following over 3 years of trying to train him. It might be different as your DD isn't autistic but we got there in the end by switching to pull ups and making toileting part of his routine with the pull ups on, he started doing some wees on the toilet and got lots of praise, making the connection that is where the wee should go, then he started doing poos on there too. Every school holiday we'd have a go with underpants but would either have lots of accidents or he'd refuse to wear them. This was going on for about a 2 years. The last time we did it we had half a day of meltdowns and what I think was deliberate forced protest wees. I nearly gave him a pull up as he was so distressed, but I didn't and that turned out to be the right time for him. No accidents after that first half day.

You’re creating a rod for your own back by letting her be “lazy” as you say, and just peeing in a nappy because she wants to. Your attitude to the bottles, dummy, and the nappies are all the same.

Sometimes children give up things naturally in their own time, and that’s fine. My child naturally weaned off the breast by 2, so no effort needed on my part. But your child is about to start school and is wearing nappies. Yes that is a developmental delay. She is delayed in potty training which is part of her development. Potty training is an effort for many parents but you have to get on with it for your child’s sake.

This is more than occasional accidents. You’re keeping her in nappies as it’s convenient for you. Instead of posting on Mumsnet you should be cracking on with properly toilet training your child. You seem very optimistic that she’ll somehow be magically fine when she starts school in mere months time.

I think shitty week or so is massively underselling it for lots of kids. Took about 8 months with us.

But, September is 6 weeks away. What's going to change in that time if things went backwards at the beginning of the year?

Reliably dry means most have been using a toilet for the past year at least but a few will still have occasional accidents. Your child is fully in nappies.

I’m not sure what advice you’re looking for here. You have to knuckle down and just sort it. Bin the nappies.

OP my tip is start immediately. It takes time so the best thing you can do is start yesterday.

The sooner you begin the better she’ll be by the time school starts and hopefully fully toilet trained before the end of reception. Clearly at school unless she’s fully trained by then she will just have to have regular accidents. Make sure she always has a change of clothes and multiple changes of underwear and bottoms to bring with her to school.

That’s unfortunate for her but it will improve with toilet training support at home.

I’ve just made an almost identical post! Not sure how to link. My dd is a bit younger at 3 yrs 8m but we have exactly the issues you describe. Sending solidarity! We’ll get there……..🤞

I do think that the nappies, bottles, and dummies are all part of a larger picture, and your defensive reaction indicates that you probably realise you've let your child down. No typically developing 4-year-old should have any of them, and you're certainly aware of that. It may be easier in the short term for you to give in rather than to assist your child in progressing in an age-appropriate way. But you're not doing her any favours, even if you try to dress it up as "allowing her to give up things when she’s ready rather than what society deems be the age at which they should be given up." That is nonsense when you're talking about a child who is nearly school age and still being treated like a baby.

As for what to do now, I agree with PPs about bribery (chocolate buttons and possibly some much coveted small toys if chocolate isn't working). Also I think the tone in which you talk to your child matters. A brisk, firm tone makes a difference. I don't mean being unkind, just an attitude of "yes, you're using the toilet, no more nappies, you're a big girl." And then praising her every time she succeeds, without being OTT about it. It's a balance that can be hard to strike but sometimes children are aware when parents are feeling desperate and make use of whatever power they have to assert a bit of control. See also: when parents cajole and beg their children to eat.

The idea about being sentimental about keeping childhood things - dummy etc.. - doesn't fit with her having unpleasant memories of soiling at school though.

Surely you want your DD to be ready to learn...not out of class to be changed or any risks in that area?

It really is super important to get started now ...the extra years of nappies would weigh on me too..though I hear you when you say you can't go back.

This is important for your DDs future to start now without delay.

Op you are getting some stick you don’t deserve.
You have 2 young kids and they sound happy and fed (and changed lol) please be proud of what you are doing for them.

Regardless of when/ why etc - we are where we are.

My automatic thought was SEN so just park that rather than dismiss it.

I think you need to (before starting) decide on how this is all going to work, toilet or potty? Chocolate for what exactly? What if it’s a sit on the toilet but nothing, chocolate then? Bear in mind on the toilet you won’t ’see’ a wee.

I would also dedicate a period of time to do this so you’re not having to put a nappy back on to do a long train journey for example in the middle of training her.
ideally days in the garden playing so accidents are less of an issue.

I wonder if a sticker chart ‘inside’ the bathroom would encourage her to get to the toilet/ potty? I would keep the potty in the bathroom with the toilet to teach her the potty isn’t always in the same room as she will need to learn to ‘travel’ to the toilet wherever she is.

Please don’t pressure yourself or her. Don’t see it as a countdown with a ticking clock or this could hinder your feelings and her progress.

Make it fun, a bit like a game and use something she likes to help (bribe 🤣) her.

Worse case scenario is she’s not fully trained when going to school- whilst this isn’t ideal it’s not worth loosing your mind over in the next 6 weeks.

FWIW my dd trained in 1 day aged 2 and 1 month (she was ready as she used to say ‘doing wee wee’ in the couple of weeks before starting where I’d praise her for doing that wee even though it was in the nappy - she was learning the feeling which was great. She took longer for overnight which was nearer 3.
Aged about 3.5-4 she then had accidents in bed EVERY night and I didn’t know why. It was a pain as she’d have to get up, washed, bedding changed- nightmare! Then this stopped as quick as it started. I didn’t make a big deal of any of this and it was never really spoke about until months and months later when she said she would wake up needing a wee and she didn’t want to call me or getup so she just did it in bed and went back to sleep! 😱 I say this because sometimes kids just don’t care about feeling wet so we need to get their buy in in a different way!

Good luck- get yourself some treats too 😉