The CRESH spa and creche: we ALL deserve crap ham

[FannyPriceless]

Enter all ye ESHes. We've been Barren, we've been Pregnant - now at last we are Child-Rearing.

• Come share your questionable tips on raising a real live baybee!
• Compete with Cunty to take control of the bad mummy crown!
• Eat crap ham - after all, you deserve it!

You lot are just jealous of all that 'Joy of Sex' wild, beardy shagging on a mountain of crap ham.

art and crafts for the kids in the CRESH crèche

Google? It's from her private collection.

Brilliant, gin!

MrP's comment was 'They have to understand my desperation - this is the only way I can entice you to bed these days.'

alps It would be better if the chimney was fashioned from a Greggs sausage roll.

Sorry - I mean gin!

silv yes it's sharp, you can hardly see it, but feel it when you run your finger over it.

casp my friends DS has 2 bottom teef and 2 fangs at the top, so squeaks is not the only one with weird toof formations.

light took about 2 months!

I'm back! What have I missed? A quick scan reveals the only new CRESH is a late contender, not one of the PESHes - what are they up to over there, have they lost their tube of superglue?

So, the bad news from me hols was - no tequila. The good news - fucking bucket loads of rum. I love mojitos, so I do! The resort was a dive and we had to swap rooms after the first night the bed actually attacked OH, and the original room was almost not even on the same island as the rest of the resort. Need a clean nappy for LG? I'll just pop back to the room - see you in 3 days! Now the resort manager was a silly man who tried to fob me off with lots of 'it's a very popular room with most of our families, we thought you'd like it.' I got explicit with him about my thoughts on his lovely room, and how I might deal with it if he didn't get me a room that I thought was lovely (see how much I learnt from my skiing holiday, Cluck and Alps!) and within the hour I had a room with a balcony from which I could survey the kiddie pool, the beach and most importantly - the free rum bar. Out the back of the room it was spitting distance to 2 restaurants. The hotel was still a dive, but it's amazing how much nicer a time you can have in a dive when there is rum being literally syphoned out of the bottle and into you mouth!

We did have a couple of LG issues - it was REALLY hot, about 32-35 degrees, and he took a couple of days to get used to the heat. We put him in the free nursery to sleep in the midday heat though - imagine the Lilt Caribbean mamas and you have an idea of how the place was run. 2 big scary ladies cooing over a wailing LG and going 'Aah baby! Give me a li ole look at those bee-ooo-diful big blue eyes.' Also, there is no baby food in Barbados. So OH tells me from his shopping trip. So LG was weaned very rapidly onto salty pasta and rainbow fruit loops. He ate everything he was given, even the spicy curry we accidently gave him. He seems to be just fine, but is not impressed with baby food any more - he wants real meat now!

So fill me in - I see the toof mentions. LG has 4 and is a bloodsucking vampire. TT had none at all at the same age, just to confuse me.

Welcome back Boxy. Am green about your holiday. Although sounds way too hot for pastey old me. There have in fact been THREE layings in your absence. Styffy, Score and Rocker. They just haven't found their way here yet.

Quote of the day, well actually yesterday, as I was squeezing my boobs into the ohsofantasticthesepuppiesarentgoinganywhere sports bra: "Mummy, you wearing that to stop your nips wobbling?"
....actually, I'd says it's more of a sway and a bounce than a wobble

Had a lovely ride thanks Alps, very oingyboingy - hurrah for the sports bra. Glad you enjoyed yours too and have got to the bottom of the ditsyness...so, what's the solution?

Cross-post Box - good to see you back....we missed you

box glad you enjoyed the rum I've seen that hotel on special offers everywhere... now I know why!

Kate hormones. New resident was cut 3 months ago, arrived on yard 11 weeks ago... her tantrums started 11 weeks ago. She is a Besh!

Jesus what is it with these toddlers and mentioning beards/wobbles?

Hello ladies

Hullooooooo. Welcome to the cresh lightyears... I've not been in here for the odd fag for ages myself.

Cossie congrats on the toof. We had a bit of a shocker on that front too when my mum pointed out that the child had, not one, but two at the bottom on Friday. I hadn't actually noticed any particular teething symptoms other than one lunchtime he absolutely refused to sleep and cried for about half an hour. I confess I did actually ignore him for a good while whilst packing... Poor child. Anyhow he suddenly does not look like a baby anymore! I hope the rest of them are as easy! I wasn't expecting 2 by 6 months, but I will keep my eyes peeled now.

Box your holiday sounds like it was good, after the room got sorted and the rum was found. Definitely a more creative way of weaning your kid onto more interesting food stuffs! We had a great time away in Eire, seeing the relics and generally tripling our normal alcohol consumption. Got a babysitter for the evening of the wedding so made sure I got my full value in enjoyment. Twas a really good weekend, gorgeous hotel and nice and cheap thanks to the Irish recession. Babymoo was an angel, brilliant on the plane, slept and smiled at everyone. Also spent most evenings parked in the bar asleep whilst we downed the Guinness. Ace. Am now planning next trip!

how is it going with everyone? muse can't believe how big your little lady is getting now - looking at pics on other place. Nor can I believe cunty's little man - he must be off to school soon, non? Where did these newborns go to eh? My memory seems to be failing me in terms of sleepless nights and sore fanny and really tempted to get back on the 'orse again. Not sure Mr Moo will let me near him though...

You can tell Moo has had a good weekend, she is talking about getting back in the saddle and all that. It is truly ace when you can just park you baybee in the corner of the bar/restuarant and you get pissed.

Weaning here is still a bit hit and miss. Made some lovely leek and potato soup puree today and Peppa's gob remained well and truly shut despite its loveliness. Meanwhile Mr C made a roast so I chucked some beef, parsnips, roasties, carrots in her general direction all of which were hoovered up with impressive dexterity. Fatty McFat fat. Looks I will have to go down the finger food route afterall which I guess is good but it is slightly more time consuming when I always seem to be in a rush.

Welcome back Box. Believe me I have stayed in some dives in my time but I have come to realise that as long as there is a pool, bar and restaurant then it doesn't matter what room you have. I hope you parked your offspring in the corner of the bar in the evenings too...

Light at least he is shitting. Peppa refused to shit for about 5 days once I started shoveling in food. She was a grumpy mare too. Endded up getting some laxative from the quack in the end which resulted in welcome relief for both of us.

ah yes, well let's just see eh? careful what you wish for and all that eh? I fear the parking in the bar trick may not work for much longer - what do you reckon? when does that end?

And may I say okie, roast beef and potatoes is good bloody going! I tried rice pudding yesterday and you;d think I was attempting to feed the poor child wall paper paste. I fear I may be pureeing until he is 12.

Light - if constipation continues, can recommend strawberries and lots of water. You'll all need a bath...

Light I too have vom reflex hence can't watch Casualty! If the dawg retches that's it I'm outta there!

In skin news I Haz a soft fluffy baybee thanks to Mr Aveeno. The steroids hv fixed the eczema. For now. Will see what happens once stopped. Fear it will be back to quacks to insist on referral. The Aveeno is also working on MBs second bout of cradle cap. I tell you he's got a good look going on at the mo!

Welcome back box! Hols sound fun. Was LG enjoying the rum also? Did horses have to fend for themselves!? Did ya man spend the week in speedos? Did his laundry dry?

moo I can still take MB out to lunch/drinks for now. All is well til he wants to get out of the pram and then ge turns into a big wriggly mess. My new latest trick is a snoozeshade which sends MB to sleep and keeps him in z-ville as it acts like a blackout blind for pram/carseat.

So pro's and con's for having two kids under 2 plz? The increased gin consumption is a given and duly noted.

Well...we have had the opposite of constipation round here in the last 12 hours, although did have it previously...until I realised that baby rice is the Work of the Devil and cast it from my house. These days I find a dash of apple juice in the breakfast water cup seems to keep things moving. The Squib seems to be feeling better this morning so hopefully normal discharge will resume shortly.

Honeymoo am most jealous that your child will sit quietly/nap in the pub at lunchtime. Ours is a bit of a rubbish napper during the day - his best one tends to happen between 10.30 and 12ish, and I've found they look at me a bit funny if I start knocking on the door of our local at 11am demanding bottles of Merlot. Maybe we should head down to Smithfield...I think they have pubs that open dead early down there to cater to the market traders...I'm sure we'd fit right in.

I manage to post about once a month so my opinion is worth nuffink, but for what it's worth I think you sound like you'll fit right in. Welcome.

I have nothing to report, FESHCRESHers. Absolutely nothing. Except 2 poorly children, which is what is taking all my internet time. Arsebuckets.

Poorly children? Where's their granny? Get her round immediately Cass! Hope they are on mend ASAP. Gin in the meantime I prescribe...

Light - I do love a wee outing to Smithfield! I used to work on Hatton Garden and love the pubs round there. I think a FESH meet with buggies in tow would probably get us arrested by social services but still.

LG has just had his first crap ham - I am pleased to report he loved it.

Silv OH lived in one pair of swim shorts and very camp shirt. He was happy. LG thrived on rum-based milk to wash down his salty pasta each day. Horses and chickens were looked after by my lovely friend. I like her even more after she said how nice little horse was to look after! She was not so keen on Shitland though. Unfortunately the same fox that got my ducks took 4 hens this week - why does it only go for girls? I have plenty of surplus cockerels atm and wouldn't be broken hearted if it ate a couple of those, but it keeps getting the layers. So this week's job is to first increase chicken-y security, and then go and hunt Charlie down till he is dead. Then I am going after the cat that has crapped all over my strawberries.

Tonight I have to ride little horse - he has not bee ridden in 4 weeks, and notwithstanding his very placid nature, he did a good impression of Champion the Wonder Horse rearing and prancing on the brow of a hill this morning. Superglue at the ready!

it's been a lovely day here now I'm back at work, after staring at the rain all day yesterday.