The CRESH spa and creche: we ALL deserve crap ham

[FannyPriceless]

Enter all ye ESHes. We've been Barren, we've been Pregnant - now at last we are Child-Rearing.

• Come share your questionable tips on raising a real live baybee!
• Compete with Cunty to take control of the bad mummy crown!
• Eat crap ham - after all, you deserve it!

Hooray indeed!

Moan Alert Moan Alert

Fuxache. I got up at 7am today, fed BB and started packing. At 8am I sent Boo upstairs to get TG out of bed and also get herself dressed while I made her breakfast. Her breakfast sat on the table for an hour and half as TG decided to stay in bed with her and read stories. WTF?!

AND. My bloody parents were supposed to be here this morning to look after the girls while TG and I pack. They now won't be here until lunchtime. Mum hadn't even showered by 10.30. And they live an hours drive away.

AND TG asked me (when he eventually got his arse out of bed) why I was packing books when he could do that. So I replied that I couldn't continue to pack the kitchen whilst he is making bacon and egg butties. For himself - I was not offered. He then also said shouldn't I be packing the things that he couldn't. When I asked for clarification, he said he can pack the books as they are too heavy for me, his clothes and his gaming stuff.

Right, so I pack the rest of the house? I asked why couldn't he pack the girls stuff - all we have to do is chuck clothes in a binbag after all. He said he'd probably do it wrong... ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH

My calm zen has gone and instead I'm like Mount fucking Etna, ready to blow at any minute.

It is gone 11am and so far TG has had a fucking fry up and fed BB. He is now lying on the floor playing with her instead of changing her nappy.

Moan over. Apologies. It was moan in here or kick the dog, but she is already look most upset at the disruption, poor love.

As you were.

please kick the husband and take the dog to bed instead of him.

Definitely not the dog's fault - she is adorable.

Back from hairdressers, he was apparently best baybee ever and didn't make a peep. I was flummoxed though when she asked about 'style'. He's 11 months old Ffs, just make it shorter, or, do people actually 'style' the hair of a baby?

I too am back from hairdressers, but for me. Was fab. Sat there while someone else waited on me, had a coffee, read a magazine. Got the "please come home now" text 45 mins in as she dried my hair. Baby apparently refusing to nap and screaming with exhaustion. Feel bad for her but somewhat relieved that TBG had to deal with it and not just run her back to me for boob application.

Horsy ESHes: Please help me decide - any comments on this question?

Er...hello. Do you ladies by any chance admit new entrants at this late stage or does one have to return to and repeat the B and the F stages before admittance to the CRESH is permitted? Have been admiring your work* from afar for awhile and was wondering if you would be willing to admit an addition to your coven at this somewhat late stage in the sprog producing game...

Happy to eff off and mind me own beeswax if so, but if you are willing to admit new entrants I am willing to submit to any new girl ritual torture ceremonies you might be willing to invent...

• am a sarcastic bovine who would chew eat my arm off than call the father of my child a D anything

Well I don't have any objection personally. But were there to be other ESHes here, instead of being busy killing their spouses and burying them under the mature shrubbery, they may be interested in your ESHES credentials. Have you had a Hard Time conceiving or carrying to term? Are your ovaries like walnuts?

Do you, in fact, deserve crap ham?

light We've never been asked this before.

How long have you been admiring us stalking our threads and reading our banal and sweary conversations?

Pol I think I would have just gone out and got my nails done or something. I certainly would not have accepted wallowing in bed.

Zero objection here either Light but please to give more info. Do you have a dog, horse, child? Do you like cake and what are you thoughts on ham? How many piss sticks have you pissed on both trying to conceive, once conceived and post birth (the post birth one is really for my info only, I seem to have pissed on a lot of sticks post birth in fear of being updiffed and having THE FEAR of a ridiculously small age gap. The absence of the bleepy fucker is well confusing...AND I haven't even done the Sechs that often)

Most definitely walnut-like at the mature age of 38 (though I do attempt to marinate regularly to compensate), but the 3 (count 'em) MCs I was able to delight in turned out to be more the result of some rather funky plumbing down below...once I persuaded the NHS to "send a man in" to sort it out, I managed to produce a small male child last November... I would emphasise that said man did not actually father the resulting child. That would make National Insurance a marvellous deal methinks...

Crap ham...well, tonight's technique to persuade child to go to bed tonight involved a glass of wine in me followed by a boob in said child's gob...works every time...

FP well...I may have dropped in once in awhile when preggers as you lot is funny, but then got distracted by small screaming person (who decided to hang out in hossie for a few weeks) so only recently returned to MN and found you lot were still here...so I thought I might say hello...

Am in possession of one deformed cat, several mice under the floorboards which cat presents to us in half dead form occasionally at around 2am, and the usual compliment of London foxes rutting in the garden.

Did someone say cake? Oh, well, if I must....

That'd be complement, right? Sheesh...way to impress...

Hmm, several ESH boxes appear to have been ticked. Not that I'm revelling in your tough time or anything, but it certainly helps if you know where we are coming from as haggard, cynical old hooers. Do you like gin?

Is your fantasy man the love child of Charlie Brooker and David Mitchell?

Most certainly do...though that these days it appears to be mainly wine, due to my inability to remember to buy tonic water and the fact that our local offie offers 20% off when you buy 6 bottles of vino... Now I am missing gin and tonic though...

light more importantly did you partake in the dangerous sport of carrying cakes whilst preggers? If not then I fear the ESH may need to hold a meeting to discuss as cake carrying is essential.

Well hags I'm liking the new Fred title fo' sho'.

oki I will call. Promise. Didn't today as what started off as a nice day disintegrated into absolute hell in the form of a nonstop screaming child. I force fed him Calpol as nothing would settle him not even his walker and he's got a bloody horrid cold which appeared from nowhere and is quite full on. Bfing a snotty child is minging. HI was up most of last night with him as he was so upset, MB kept coughing/choking on his snot/saliva. So coupled with his scratching he's not looking his best. MB not HI.

rots I texted your pal to arrange sling drop off but not heard a thing. If u resend me the address I'll post or drive over and shove it thru t'door. I got the book! Ta!

fanjodango ermmmm third of an acre? Hoss? Wouldn't bother. Perhaps hook up with next door and abuse borrow their facilities.

I am hauling ass outta bed mañana to ride and then ragwort pull and be home by lunchtime. Let's hope I manage it all as I seem to be permanently knackered.

Believe it or not we have been talking about planning when and if we should thunk about TTC nbr 2. Quite scary but exciting yet I already feel guilty about MB. I'm feeling bit of pressure due to biological clock efficiency and shiz. Tho how I would manage everything plus nag is already causing me brainache.

I believe I may have transported the odd cake...and even ran for the occasional bus whilst in an embarassed state, without my baby falling out of my nether regions prior to his allotted time.

I shall await the judgment of the ESH in the morning. In the meantime I'll just leave this plate of economy pate, slightly stale crackers and bottle of Hendricks here shall I?

Silv you have to have the sechs to have number 2. Sorry to hear about the snot, it is not pleasant to have a snail trail all over your baps is it?

I'm drunk, and ready to hug a random, so come on in whitelightning

also, just for my personal curiosity, are you country, city or somewhere in between

I frequwntly feel need to plan for no. 2, but fear that's the citalopram talking.

I think we've always room for another nutjob - and to my knowledge we don't currently have a firestarter, a twisted firestarter - so for that, I'm in. Also liked the suggestion that the NHS doctor may have stepped in to get the job done properly, reminds me of that letter to the council "Can you please send a man around to do the job properly and satisfy my wife?". Three ickle angel baybees complete without banners will also get you entry I think.

muser How is your hair looking this morning? Mine needs "attention" due to a "roots" situation. It looked beautiful yesterday and I bounced home with a new fringe like Reese Witherspoon (photo waved in front of hairdresser rather than trying to explain fringe & layering concept) - this morning though I look like a cross between Wurzel Gummidge & Birkenhead's finest. I am not impressed with your text received though.

fanny When you sent us to the tack room I thought you were going to be taking the piss out of "Aive just bought a stately home , how much should one pay one's staff?". The only problem with such a small/big area of land is that should you not use it for grazing then it's a fucker to maintain and you'll need to get a sit-on mower and your husband will spend 2 hours every weekend driving around and around silently (or perhaps not) cursing every time it rains. There are pros and cons. It's "nice" having them at home if you don't mind the occasional visitor in the kitchen/conservatory - but even 1 night away from home needs to be planned with military precision. And you might accidentally fill the water trough then leave the hose on all night. :(

Kate Did you get your ride yesterday? I got my first hack in a fortnight and it went pretty well, 3 "fights" in the first mile due to napping but the rest went well and this was in the bitless too. Found out "why" her behaviour has been so shoddy in the last 3 months. 2 months and 3 weeks ago a new gelding arrived at the yard... who'd been "dismantled" literally days before. I think he probably smells good and as he was nearly 3 I suppose has a bit of a swagger about him. Hormonal idiot trying to get pregnant.

silv Ooooh are you getting back on the horse too? In our household there has been no Sechs for a month. :( This is not like us at all and I fear is not contributing towards number 2.

fanny our garden is a third of an acre, i am told. it put a lot of people off renting. we got a big petrol mower and it take hime an hour and a half to mow. but it's space for us, baby, dog and big veg patch etc. i know nothing of horses but alwsys fancy shoving a Shitland into the mix.