How often do you typically see adult DCs? Saw a post from a mum whose DD won't commit to spending some time with her once a fortnight and it upset me

[BoringOwl]

I saw a post recently from another mum on MN who said she would like it if her adult DD (20s) could commit to having dinner with her once a fortnight, but her DD prioritizes her friends. I have 2 teenage DCs and I have been worrying that they won't want to spend any time with me as they transition into adulthood. I realise it's completely normal for DCs to spend less time with you as they mature and become adults, but something about the other mum's DD not wanting to commit to spending time with her really hit me hard emotionally.

I'm wondering, how much time do your adult DCs typically spend with you? I find the thought of an adult DC being too busy to even have dinner once a fortnight (or just not wanting to) to be quite upsetting. I would also not want them to see me as a "nuisance" or "hard work" - yet I've seen posts from people describing their own DM as such. I'd be heartbroken if my own DCs perceived me in that way.

I have 3 kids and I worry the same. But… at the same time we have to be realistic. I have my own friends, my family my DH family. So when we lived in the UK we didn’t see our family every weekend or even every other weekend. And then at other times we saw them more. It ebbs and flows. Sadly something we have to accept.

i think once or twice a month would be nice, depending on logistics, availability etc.

It depends on so many things but I'd certainly prefer to only see my mum once every 6 weeks or so, she is really hard work and always has been.

Once a year or so here as the adult child. That's fine with me.

I think, if you have two teenagers, this is where you start slowly adjusting your thinking about their availability in the future.

also have a think about yourself were you definitely visiting your mum every fortnight in your 20s?

edited to add- I know I certainly wasn’t seeing my parents every two weeks!

We were close we spoke to each other regularly but we were living quite far away from each other for sometime so it wouldn’t have been possible, even if we have wanted to!

I have a great relationship with my parents, but after I left home I saw them in uni holidays, then I moved abroad and once went a year and a half without seeing them, although I did write once a week.

I think it’s a huge mistake to put pressure on a young adult to see you. You’ll push her away. Of course she prioritises her friends, she’d be sad and weird if she didn’t. It’s a sign she’s been brought up effectively.

I see my now elderly parents every day - because there’s never been any pressure and they’re fab.

It really depends. Currently one DC is doing a masters and the other 10 days into his first job, so very seldom! DD has promised a dinner after she finishes her masters.
One of the hard realisations of having adult DC is that they want to see you far less than you want to see them. 😥
I find the less I push, the more they want to see me. Play hard to get and model a busy, happy life to them. Hard though it is .

Two or three times a year but I live quite far away and cannot do it there and back in a day.
My brother lives closer to them and sees them less than me! But thats another story. 😅

From looking at people around me it seems like it’s up and down, and the more chilled it is the more it is. I think getting people to commit to a certain timing always puts pressure on- I know I see mum more when I sent thinking ‘I really need to get to her this day’. Am hoping it’ll be similar with my sons (eldest 18)

I see the one who lives near once a week for usually lunch. The further away one about once a month. But we do chat on the family chat every day or two.

One still loves with me the other is hundreds of miles away. I don't always have dinner with the one who lives with me once a fortnight due to both of us having work or other commitments. We're all in relationships, have careers and friends!

But we've all evolved and keep in touch differently now. We have an active WhatsApp group, visit the one who's moved and stay for a long weekend. Have Christmas together and often an annual holiday. Oldest and I have fallen into the rhythm of a Sunday morning phone call now. The oldest is supporting the youngest with property viewings over video calls as she's too far away to do it in person.

I love my children to my very core, but there's something so special seeing them blossom and thrive.

And, if I'm honest, if I look at my own friends and my children's friends, it was the strength of relationships with parents established in childhood that carried through. If it wasn't there then it wasn't going to be there in adulthood. If the relationship with your child remains strong, you will both adapt to maintain that strong relationship.

I see mine 4-6 times a year

My young adult DC are at uni so still living here for quite a large part of the year.

But when I was in my 20s and had moved out of my parents' house (but was still living quite close) I saw my parents a lot less than once a fortnight. I was busy with work and friends. I adore my parents and we had, and have, a very close and loving relationship but at that stage in my life I needed to spread my wings and feel independent.

Let them fly, OP.

Ds1 has a gf and two babies. I see them every two weeks or maybe for a morning mid week if they’re around. I don’t make demands. I wouldn’t. They have their own lives and both work. I fit in with them. X

I see DS at least once a week. He is 30 and lives with his partner. His partner also sees his parents at least once a week. I am widowed and live alone, and have various disabilities. DS and partner do help me out quite a bit for which I am very grateful.
It is different with DD. She is 39, lives alone and I can go a month or more without seeing her. I try not to be needy with either of them. I wouldn't be happy if they felt obliged to spend time with me.

I have 4 adult DC. We see the one that lives closest every couple of weeks or so. The others, a few times a year. They are all very busy with their lives and we don’t expect them to make us their priority.

How often you see your family models that for dcs. Other factors also influence it, of course but generally set the example.

I'd say 4-6 times a year. But those times they really want to see us, and we spend lovely time together.

My mum wants to see me every fortnight. I resent it completely and hate spending time with her. It's all about her and what she wants. Don't be like that!

Well that depends on whether they live near you or not. My DD (23) went away to Uni and now lives in central London - I am 3 hrs away. DS (21) is at Uni 3 hrs away also and has chosen not to come home this summer. DD messages me many times a day and DS probably every day or every other. Face to face meet ups are more tricky but I know I am still a huge part of their lives and the first person they call in times of need.

One estranged son, 35, other son further away, I’d like to see my grand daughter,11 weeks old and grandson 3.
Kowing I have progressive Parkinson’s, lucky if twice a year, I find it very upsetting

I saw my parents a lot less than that in my 20s but I lived far away. I now have two 20-somethings myself and my DD I see a lot periodically and then nothing for months since she is studying 4 hours away and stays with me in the holidays. My DS still lives in my city so I see him anything from once to four times a week, but it's not scheduled. It's more if he needs something or sometimes we just bump into each other as we are in the same area. Sometimes I go and see him at work (he works in a restaurant) and sometimes we go to the movies together.

I'm in my 50s and live a long way from my Mum. When I was a student I went home for holidays only, once I had a job I went home twice a year (using up all my holidays) and once I had kids it was once a year, it then took until DD1 was 16 before my Mum came to our house for Christmas. She usually comes once a year to see us and that has been fairly consistent, except when my Dad was dying. I have a sibling who live within walking distance of her, they see her weekly.

I see one quite often (at least once a week, they live very close by) and the other a few times a year as they work away.

What I would never do is ask them to make a fortnightly (for example) commitment, painting myself as some kind of task to be ticked off. Instead I look for excuses to catch up even briefly, make suggestions/invitations for different kinds of things, be flexible and accommodating of their other plans. If it happens it happens and if not, I'll try again next week. No pressure, no guilt.

My mid 20's DD comes for dinner usually once a week but we're in contact nearly everyday on whatsapp plus I give her a lift to work often as well. Other than that we plan spa days/lunches with my mother as well every few weeks. My early 20's DS still lives at home

Of the three of ours who are adults we see one most school holidays (she works in a school so often comes home for the holidays), one every other weekend and ad hoc pop-ins, and the other for one weekend every other month as he now lives a flight away.