How often do you typically see adult DCs? Saw a post from a mum whose DD won't commit to spending some time with her once a fortnight and it upset me

[BoringOwl]

I saw a post recently from another mum on MN who said she would like it if her adult DD (20s) could commit to having dinner with her once a fortnight, but her DD prioritizes her friends. I have 2 teenage DCs and I have been worrying that they won't want to spend any time with me as they transition into adulthood. I realise it's completely normal for DCs to spend less time with you as they mature and become adults, but something about the other mum's DD not wanting to commit to spending time with her really hit me hard emotionally.

I'm wondering, how much time do your adult DCs typically spend with you? I find the thought of an adult DC being too busy to even have dinner once a fortnight (or just not wanting to) to be quite upsetting. I would also not want them to see me as a "nuisance" or "hard work" - yet I've seen posts from people describing their own DM as such. I'd be heartbroken if my own DCs perceived me in that way.

I see my parents roughly twice a year but we do live hundreds of miles apart. I see my own adult children every 3-5 weeks or so, sometimes more, sometimes less. One's 50 miles away, the other about 90 miles.

We keep in contact via WhatsApp.

I love them very much but i don't particularly feel the need to meet them once a fortnight.

Im
not sure it does. I don’t see my mother a lot because quite frankly I don’t like her and have realised after probably 40 years of being her surrogate husband and general admin assistant that she really is not bothered if she sees me or not and never makes contact.

I kind of see what you mean but what I am modelling to my teenager is that you don’t keep begging for scraps when the person isn’t interested .

There were times they wanted me to visit that were inconvenient for me, and I'm pretty certain that might have made them sad. But isn't that what it means to have raised a child to adulthood?

No. You were probably just selfish.

I dint think my mother’s phone works like mine does though. It seems it only works so that she only rings me when she wants me to do something for her. It’s odd that!!

I don't think I even phoned my parents as often as every two weeks in my 20s. I lived 1.5 to 2 hours drive away. There was never a problem in our relationship - I was busy at work and with my social life and they were childfree, still working and going on quite a few holidays (my father's earning capacity rose significantly around the time I turned 18).

Our two still live at home in their early 20s but they live semi independent lives from us. Of course I 'see' them daily but it isn't generally quality time- maybe giving one a lift somewhere or a brief conversation. I don't know how it would feel not to have that daily contact but I'd quite like to find out! I think I'd be upset though if they moved a long way away and visits were rare, so I understand it must be hard.

I don’t expect any of my children to come and have a set time to see me, they know they can drop in anytime and have dinner it’s rarely a planned thing . I suppose my eldest went away for university so I didn’t see them for months at a time, my daughter came home every weekend and my current DC is miles away so we message , I went out for dinner with my daughter last night but it wasn’t planned , she happened to pop by so we went out. I keep it relaxed and wouldn’t want to put any pressure on my children to see me on set dates and I know my eldest finds me annoying until he needs something 🤣

@BoringOwl how will you cope if they go away to uni, or move away for work or to live with a partner?

Every 6-8 weeks or so.
Both live more than 4 hours away.

They are so 'busy'.
If ever they do call in, there's usually a reason, to collect something, etc.. not just a 'want to see my mum'. Then busy busy, always got to get off to do something. I don't pester them, but do keep in touch via messages etc..
Tbh I don't understand. I adored my parents & was always popping round.

I don't think it's realistic to expect DC in their 20's to meet with you every fortnight

I agree.
I have 3x adult dc. All live locally. I don't see any of them 'for dinner' on a regular basis.
We are all busy and have our own lives and interests.
They work different hours, one is studying as well (professional qualification), one does masses of overtime, one plays high level sport which commits them 3 or 4 times a week. They are of an age where there are loads of weddings / stag or hen weekends / friends they go off to visit or go away with. They all have their own homes to maintain (one is in a 'doer upper' and does a lot of work on it). One is in a new relationship.

I do see them, but it tends to be dropping in on the way somewhere, or on the way home, or I call in on them, or one of us asking for help with something. Then we get together for birthdays, and occasional 'extended family' occasions on both sides (which adds up to around seeing each other on average of once a month anyway). Then when we see something we fancy - from a theatre show / sports match / new place to eat / quiz night / supporting a fundraiser for something / comedy night / concert / open mike night - we'll ask the others and sometimes meet for that kind of thing.
Then we try to watch their sports fixtures and see them at those.

So, yes, we'll see each other quite often in various combinations, but none of it relies on anyone committing 'every other Tuesday' or whatever to not being able to do anything else.

I try to see my mother about 3 times a month. I live two hours drive away. She is s lovely person but we have nothing in common so it is s chore.
My own DC are in their 20s with busy lives / I see them on an ad hoc basis maybe one every six weeks ish for lunch in their area or mine. I have loads of frurnds and interests and definitely do not want my DC to feel obliged to proceed me with company or entertainment -I want them to live their best lives. My OH is completely different (e don’t live together). He lives mile from his adult son and DIL and now GC and they are in and out of each others houses and on the phone all the time I would find that stifling.

’Staying local’ is more of a default choice than not for people who haven’t gone to university. Especially if they live in a small town with jobs and affordable housing (and even better when there is easy access to a larger city).

I expect it to be more infrequent in their twenties. I expect it to increase in their thirties as they settle down and have families.

Yes, I know they may not.

Our 3 DC are scattered to the four winds so when we do see them it’s a real joy and a bit of a party atmosphere.

We always make them very welcome and see it as a joint responsibilty to travel to them when it’s convenient. There are always birthdays and occasions throughout the year when we might get one or more turning up. They enjoy seeing each other as much as us.

But we never insist or pressure them. We see it that they’ve got their own lives and it’s a privilege for us that they still make the effort!

None of my dc chose to stay local, but all chose to come home after graduating as there is FAR more to do in our City than the places where their universities were.

All I can say is that the only person I can remember feeling obliged and contemptuous towards having conversations with their parents - was a young man who had been obligated to call his mother every Sunday. Everyone else called as and when. I vowed never make them call me.

When they were at Uni they called us when they needed support or a chat. I always thought if they didn't call it was a good sign! And I'd usually send a text asking if they were still alive/ok? But there was never any pressure to chat.

Both my adult children live with us now they are back from Uni. I insist on eating as a family when they are around - it's our default and we all enjoy it, so no separate dinners - we are very supportive of them moving out when the time is right.

My dad always said - if you love someone set them free, and I have always lived by that.

Personally I feel they break away a little bit as they establish their own lives and priorities, but then they drift back a bit more as they get older and start appreciating you more. And they need you even more when they have their own children.

Don’t try to cling on to them. The harder you pull, the more they’ll resist. Let them go, and then you’ll know whatever time they make for you will be because they want to.

The need for commitment is the issue here I’d say. There’s likely to be more going on behind the scenes. I live 3 hours from my family and 2 hours from my in laws. We try to video call everyone at the weekend, but realistically sometimes we miss a week or two. No one wants to be made to feel guilty for spending time catching up on DIY, visiting other people or just enjoying a day out. It took my MIL years to understand that my husband works evenings and weekends too. She was very hurt that he didn’t drop everything to answer her calls. I imagine she was telling people all sorts!

I used to see my mum every day when she did the school pick up for me. Now it is less, but it is still multiple times a week.

We live within walking distance and when she is on a walk she texts to see if I have a break between meetings and will pop in for a few minutes if I do.

We holiday together on multiple overseas trips a year too since my dad passed.

I know not all relationships are the same, but I like having a close one with my mum, she is there for me if I need her, and I’m there for her as needed. Right now I’m working but my husband has gone round to hers because she had a job needed doing and they get on great too. I pray I have the type of relationship with my son where I see him multiple times a week, I’m sorry that you don’t OP

Very very much a north eastern thing I think. None of my colleagues in London live near their parents, but all of my local friends live within a couple of miles of theirs.

Good lord! If my parents had emotionally guilted me into a compulsory fortnightly visit, I would have emigrated.

Your DC are not responsible for your emotional wellbeing.

What would you do if your son moved away or had a busy life and didn't have time to see you multiple times a week? I think would be telling my son to have his own life rather than coming to see me nearly every day

Do you and your mum socialise with other people, ever lived anywhere else?

It’s a small town thing. I am not from the north but still from a small town. Apart from me all school friends are still there. One lives next door to parents even so she has never left the street they grew up in, I left that street aged 8 have lived in over 30 places since.

Oh my mum has the most full social life of anyone I know, but she likes to pop in when she is out and about and given that she does daily walks that can be often. She will just text and pop in for 10 minutes.

As for the holidays, we always get separate rooms etc, but my son actually stays in hers usually and it gives me and my husband more space than if we went on holiday just the three of us, and for our Florida trips, it means having even numbers for the rides rather than someone being alone.

My mum is my friend 🤷‍♀️ that’s not weird and I know a lot of people like this. My sister sees her almost every day now because she does her school pick up for her, and they holiday together too. And with her in-laws.

I said I would LOVE to have that type of relationship with my son where I could see him plenty etc, but if he moved away, or was busy with life then that’s up to him. I would never make someone spend time with me out of obligation. But I would be very surprised if he saw it as an obligation to be honest, I think he likes having close family and his girlfriend does too (she holidays with us too occasionally) 🤷‍♀️

Next door would be a bit too close for me, at least now when my mum is going past she has to text before popping in since I work from home, I can just say I’m busy 😂. Next door there would be no escape.

But yes 💯 it is definitely a more small town thing, we aren’t super small here, but we definitely don’t have city status. We aren’t so small that everyone is dating someone they knew in school or that is related to their best friend though, so that’s a positive