How often do you typically see adult DCs? Saw a post from a mum whose DD won't commit to spending some time with her once a fortnight and it upset me

[BoringOwl]

I saw a post recently from another mum on MN who said she would like it if her adult DD (20s) could commit to having dinner with her once a fortnight, but her DD prioritizes her friends. I have 2 teenage DCs and I have been worrying that they won't want to spend any time with me as they transition into adulthood. I realise it's completely normal for DCs to spend less time with you as they mature and become adults, but something about the other mum's DD not wanting to commit to spending time with her really hit me hard emotionally.

I'm wondering, how much time do your adult DCs typically spend with you? I find the thought of an adult DC being too busy to even have dinner once a fortnight (or just not wanting to) to be quite upsetting. I would also not want them to see me as a "nuisance" or "hard work" - yet I've seen posts from people describing their own DM as such. I'd be heartbroken if my own DCs perceived me in that way.

My young adult child lives at home, but in terms of actual spending time with me… it’s rare. I think he would see a fortnightly dinner commitment as a chore.
I see my mum maybe weekly.
We see the other grandparent once or twice a year but there’s a flight involved.

I’m not surprised she’s declined seeing her when presented with a formal fortnightly compulsory commitment. She’s visiting her mum, not going to the Orthodontist. I guess it changes depending on what’s shes got going on in her life. I wouldn’t be putting pressure on her though

It varies a lot. I see dd maybe once or twice a month. I often suggest an activity like going to a concert, going for a meal. She is always happy to see us, but has a lot on. Understandably for a 20-something, she prioritises her friends.

I wouldn’t commit to dinner once a fortnight with anyone, why does it have to be so formal? I see mine a lot. Well one lives an hour away and I speak to them most mornings and see them every couple of weeks. The other lives closer and I see about 3 times a week but speak to less then the other outwith that.

I lived about 250 miles away from my mum. Used to go and stay with her for a week in summer and about three other weekends a year. The reality was less than 20 days out of 365.

I see DD about 3 times a year. She's a 4 hour drive away. She works weekends, which I don't so every visit needs 1 of us to take A/L. It's rubbish but that's life. We do chat/text at least twice a week though.

I have a DS, 25, lives about a mile away with his GF. He tends to come over once or twice a week, mainly to watch some sporting event on TV with his dad. His partner sometimes comes with him on the weekend. Outside of this we sometimes meet for a meal or pub quiz if his GF isn’t working that evening, but this is maybe a few times a year. Sometimes we go away together.

In general it probably depends on proximity,
and how busy they are with work as well as the strength of your relationship. Whether or not your DC move away for uni can also be key as once they do move away from their home town, be it for university or for work, your lives will become more separate as casual ‘popping in’ just isn’t possible in the way it is if they live round the corner .

We see DS, DIL & DGD once about every 6 weeks when DH's shifts work that we can go pick DGD10 up from school on a Thursday as it us the only day she dosnt do an afterschool club, just wrapround care. Both DS and DIL work full time and most weekends are very full on plus they have a dog that cant be left for long so we go to them. They live 2 hours away. We saw DIL and DGD weekly till just before DGD started school. They lived an hour away then though.

We see grown up DGD30 and her children about once a year as they live 4 hours away.

I speak to grown up DGD30 daily on messanger and DIL and DGD10 on facetime at keast 3 times a week, DS maybe once a week.

I used to see my parents in uni holidays then probably only 4-6 times a year once I started work as I lived 3 hours away.

My daughter is 20 minutes away and I see her fairly regularly. If we are busy we can go 3-4 weeks but often every other week or more when life is tough which it is for her just now. I would never commit to a regular meeting. My mum did this with her mum and it was hard for her to get out of it occasionally which isn't right.

My second husband saw his parents sat and Sunday every weekend staying over when I first met him. They were in their 90s but very independent so we really didn't need to and in fact lockdown broke the mold.

i definitely kept my mother at arm's length during my younger adulthood, though we spent lots of time together in chunks. i think it took me a long time to realise what i found draining about her company.
I definitely also took her for granted.
now I would like to see her more often! I still find her draining in some ways, but I prefer it to the alternative...

This seems a strange POV to me. I think that as well as family ties it depends on whether parents and children actually like each other and enjoy spending time in each other’s company .

I see one 2-3 times a year (lives overseas) the other is sporadic due to serving our country.

if dc live with you benefiting from free or low board then they should spend some time with you but once they leave you need to accept you won’t see them much, they have lives

Out of interest, how often do you/did you see your own mother? I don’t mean that as some kind of gotcha, but I think these things often (not always!) are similar in families ie a child who sees their parent spending time with their grandparent might grow up to spend more time with their parent.

Both DSs in their 40s.
See one from 4 hours away about 4 times a year.
The other lives in Japan and see him maybe 2 times a year.
Phone them every day

In my experience it varies according to what stage their lives are at. When my daughter was away working I'd travel to see her once every three weeks, then during her first year of marriage I only saw her very occasionally which I found difficult. This was mainly due to the fact they lived quite a distance away from us. The relationship was good though, and we texted a lot.

Fast forward a few years to her having children and us moving to be nearer them and accomplish a sensible slight downshift of property at the same time, and I see her at least once a week and often more - particularly in the school holidays when we take the children out together. I've never pushed it, and left it up to her for contact, I count myself very lucky now to be in this position at the moment. But at some point her working hours will probably change (she works nights so is available during the day) ,and the situation will evolve and change.

It's never a good idea to exert any type of pressure.

It really worries me because I have a very fraught relationship with my own mother who I haven’t seen or spoken to for over 7 weeks even though she’s only 8 miles away. My DD who lives about 60 miles away I speak to every day and have seen multiple times in the last 7 weeks so hopefully I’ve broken the cycle of weirdness that pervades my family set up. My mum pretends the fact she only sees one of my brothers (her favourite) once or twice a year if she visits him is all ok and completely normal. I haven’t seen or spoken to him since Xmas 2024 when we hosted his entire family. No arguments just very odd. My DS is about to move 4000 miles away for at least 12 months and I cannot imagine ignoring him like my mum ignores me. I see my MiL who lives 140 miles away at least once a month.

It comes across as controlling or a bit rigid. Can you imagine asking that of a friend?

grown up kids need flexibility for their jobs, social lives, interest etc

mine are grown up now and we keep it quite spontaneous - a play we might want to book. A lunch near where they live.

it can feel hard thinking about this when your kids are little but you do get more used to it as they become teens and young adults

They don't owe us anything. But if you were a decent parent then they would want to spend time with you. It's rather telling if they don't.

I’ve seen my mum less often when I was living further away. Then it might have been every 2-3 months but for several days at a time.

Do not expect anything at this age, I hardly ever saw my parents in my 20's, they should be out living their lives like you did yours. Expectations are a killer just keep it light and don't put pressure on, of course it's sad but forcing them will not achieve anything positive.

Gosh you are angry at yourself.

Reported your choice to use a derogatory term.

I see my parents at least 4 days a week most weeks because they help mind my daughter and we live 2 minutes away. I think they could do with seeing quite a bit less of me to be honest. Hopefully when we're older and our kids are grown, we'll all land on some happy medium.

I moved 700 miles away from my mum.
Not by accident. We grated on each other. Saw each other every other year for a week.
I have Dd25 and dd24. Dd24 lives at home with us, saving for a deposit. Teacher, so busy, but likes to chill out with us in the evening, and roast dinner and boardgames on Sunday, just like before uni.
Dd25 is more independent. Doing a part time masters, working on and off a couple of hours away, comes here for a few days every month or so, we visit when she wants... maybe every 4 or 5 months to help move stuff about.
We have told them both that they are welcome whenever, for however long they want or need, and if they get a "better offer" to just take it... enjoy life and its opportunities whilst they are young.

I only live around 30 minutes from my mum but I generally only see her every other week. I work full time and have commitments most weekday evenings. By the weekend I’m knackered and still have housework, shopping and laundry to do.

DS lives about 10 minutes from me and I used to see him once a week on his way home from an early shift at work but he’s changing jobs on Monday and will have a lengthy commute so I’m not sure how that will play out in the future. He’s worked almost alternate shifts to his girlfriend the last few years so I fully expect them to make the most of their weekends together which is fine.