How often do you typically see adult DCs? Saw a post from a mum whose DD won't commit to spending some time with her once a fortnight and it upset me

[BoringOwl]

I saw a post recently from another mum on MN who said she would like it if her adult DD (20s) could commit to having dinner with her once a fortnight, but her DD prioritizes her friends. I have 2 teenage DCs and I have been worrying that they won't want to spend any time with me as they transition into adulthood. I realise it's completely normal for DCs to spend less time with you as they mature and become adults, but something about the other mum's DD not wanting to commit to spending time with her really hit me hard emotionally.

I'm wondering, how much time do your adult DCs typically spend with you? I find the thought of an adult DC being too busy to even have dinner once a fortnight (or just not wanting to) to be quite upsetting. I would also not want them to see me as a "nuisance" or "hard work" - yet I've seen posts from people describing their own DM as such. I'd be heartbroken if my own DCs perceived me in that way.

Wow. I find this quite shocking.

Im an adult and I see my dad at least once a week (we were never really that close but I feel like its my job to check on him as he is disabled and widowed) and I call him to check in every day. When my mum was alive, I rang her every day and visited once a week. Its never a big deal like lunch or dinner, I just call in to say hi.

My husband sees his mum maybe twice a month and calls her a few times a week, sees his dad less but again talks to him every day.

We have one small child and it would make.me.so sad if they didnt want to keep in touch with me. I dont think its particularly enmeshed to care about your family. I had a pretty crap childhood but I still love my parents.

I live a 10 minute drive from my parents and see them every couple of months I'd say. We have a group whatsapp for all the family so chat on that most days but don't physically see each other that often.

Once a fortnight is a lot. Adult children are exactly what is suggested....adults! They have jobs, lives, friends, families. They may live hundreds, or thousands, of miles away from their parents. They have stuff to get on with!

I'm pretty sure that the one way to guarantee never seeing them again is to pressurise them into some regular chore of a visit - any sensible adult would resist that immediately. I think the answer is to just relax and get on with one's own life.....and they'll turn up, in good time.

I live a good two hours away from my Mum and i don't drive. She has never seen my choir perform, last Christmas she was too busy, this summer she was too busy, they visited me for a couple of hours on their way home from staying with my stepsister in July. Before that I saw her in November when I joined her choir for a singing event. She never wants to stay with me, my stepdad would prefer they didnt see me at all, to her i am little more than a service station.

Maybe once every six months with one - lives abroad- and about once a week with the other - lives about 45 minutes away. I see my parents maybe two or three times a year - about 5 hours away one way. In general, I think once a fortnight is a lot.

We see our DD a few times a year as she lives several hours away. She usually comes home for Xmas and/or New Year, and comes for a short stay at some point plus overnights with friends on their way elsewhere for a weekend. And we quite often have a holiday with her on a boat, sometimes with her boyfriend too, and try to visit her where she lives at some point. Between times we use WhatsApp as and when apt, and we usually have a long catchup chat roughly every couple of weeks.

You must live close by, though, or it wouldn’t be possible. Many people don’t tend to live close by their parents these days, though. How come you chose to stay local?

Five kids, all adult here. Four live within twenty miles of me.

We chat online all the time but they have jobs and lives while I'm retired and have more time on my hands. So I will invite them round with their partners for Sunday lunch, or message to say I'm passing (three of them live in my local market town) and can I pop by for a coffee.

But I am very aware that they work all week, their weekends are precious, they have partners, babies, animals, friends, housework - so many ties on their time, of which I am just one. One of my DDs I have to pencil in dates with as her social life is exceptionally busy! But I usually manage to see each one at least once a month, even if it is fairly brief.

I like my own time and space and wouldn't like to be tied down to regular dates, so we meet up when it's convenient. I have my own friends and hobbies though, and sometimes when they try to meet up with me I am the one who's too busy!

See my mum once or twice a year, lives 1.5hrs away by train (neither of us drive) I'm mid 30s. No children of my own so no childcare needs which seems to keep people closer to their parents. 3 times a year is nice but also I have a full time job and so does she! Every two weeks is a lot imo and would feel very intense

About once a year.

We see parents & in-laws every 6-8 weeks each. They live 1-3 hours away. We get on really well with my parents and tolerably well with the ILs. More often than that starts to eat into our ability to do other activities.

Growing up I saw my grandparents every fortnight, but I had only one set, and they were in poor health so they needed us to do things like cleaning and shopping for them.

Families are all different, you get the types whose kids move to Australia when they're 18 and see their parents once a year if they're lucky, and then you get others whose kids only move out when they're 25, straight into a house round the corner and pop in every day.

If your kids are planning on going to university away from home quite soon you will only see them every few months anyway!

Personally I would find every fortnight really intense and would be far happier with every 2 months.

I have a young adult daughter. She is away at uni so we don't see her much during term time except for the odd visit to her uni town or an occasional weekend at home for her. However, we do spend a good amount of time with her in the uni holidays, we speak to her on the phone quite regularly and we text a lot in between. She also spends plenty of time with friends and with her boyfriend, time doing hobbies and of course working. I love every moment that I have with her, but I am genuinely happy for her that she has a healthy balance across the many different areas of her life.

The key thing is, I still feel very close to her while recognising that we don't have to see each other or be in constant contact for our closeness to be maintained. It is more about the quality of our interactions than the quantity. And I do think the onus is really on the parents of adult children to make contact work for their children.

You need to recognise that, while they will always be your children, they are actually adults now and their autonomy/independence should be always be respected.

You need to understand that they are busy building their own lives, and much as they may love their parents, they will have their own priorities to pursue and their own relationships to maintain - so they should never be made to feel guilty about doing things that don't involve you.

You need to ensure that the time that they spend with you is actually enjoyable and rewarding for them, so they they spend time with you because they want to, and not just because they feel obliged - they should ideally come away from their time with you feeling better about themselves, and not judged/criticised/guilty of disappointing you. You should be there to support them and cheer them on, not drag them down.

You should take a genuine interest in their lives and in what they want to share with you, while respecting the fact that there may be things that they don't want to share or discuss. And that's ok, their lives are not your property.

You should make it clear how much joy they bring you, but you should also invest heavily in your own life and relationships so that they don't feel responsible for your happiness - that is too much of a burden for a young person to carry.

You should offer practical help when asked, if you are willing and able to do so, but you should also respect the fact that they are capable adults who might have their own way of doing things which isn't the same as yours. And that's ok, because they are people in their own right and not just extensions of you.

If what you add to your adult children's lives is positive, supportive and respectful, and they feel good when they spend time with you, then they will naturally want to maintain the relationship and they will make a genuine effort to do so. If you are critical, demanding or judgmental, if you drain their energy, make them feel guilty or otherwise make them feel shit about themselves, then it's likely that they will choose to distance themselves.

The power is in your hands.

ETA This adult child in her mid fifties went from seeing parents once every 12-18 months when living abroad to now seeing my elderly father every single day - because they respected what I needed from them in those younger years, I am now happy to do what he needs now in his old age.

Mine live over two hours away door to door.

I see each of them about once every 4-6 weeks.

We talk on the phone 1-4 times a week and are in every day contact over WA. That’s just chat and family jokes and photos usually

I think it depends on the age and life stage of the adult DC.
Teenagers at uni come home a lot.
Adult single depends how far away they live.
Adults with families it's probably better for them if the parent visits as they will be time poor.
Mine are single. The one who lives 30 minutes away comes most weeks or we meet in the middle. The one who lives two hours away comes every couple of months but stays over.

I see my parents once every 2-3 years if that. We don’t live in the same country. We are not super close generally and they chose to be close to my sister. I can’t afford to visit either, so it is what it is 🤷‍♀️

Thinking back to when I was in my early 20s, I was living three hours away from my parents (still do) so would probably phone about once a week, and visit for the weekend a few times a year.

My DS is 20 and has just gone back to university for second year and we probably won't see him now until Christmas, although we do have a regular video call once a week.

I see my children and grandchildren about 5 days out of every 7. It’s just the way we live. I also have my 35 year old severely disabled son living with me along with his team of full time carers. I’m very lucky with family life.

I’m in my 50s I moved a long way away in my 30s as all my family had left my hometown. When I first moved I used to see both of my parents, divorced, Approx twice a year when we went home to visit. Dad and stepmum have visited us over the years. And my mum used to come and stay for a week now and again. All as my DC was growing up and they both had DC in the holidays. last time mum stayed DC was away at uni.

now it’s complicated as I’m estranged, due to NC siblings. I saw my mum last time we visited two years ago. And my dad the year before that. I speak to mum a couple of times a week my dad a text here and there. The last person to visit us and the only one to come to our first home we bought was my dad and step mum 6 years ago.

this is all caused by the toxicity in my family. My DC hasn’t been invited to my mums since they turned 18 now in their 30s. If we visit (DP and I) we have to stay elsewhere not allowed to stay at anyone’s house. One of my NC siblings lives in the same town as mum and she doesn’t want a falling out and to not see her grandchildren so I am kept away basically.

if It’s very complex and hurtful and upsetting. Every day I wish they were in the same town as me and I could see them both once a week. If just one was only an hour and a half’s drive away it would be amazing. We were going to move closer then all of this with my siblings so my DC and DP do not want to relocate.

my dad and stepmum are now divorced and I’ve not had an address for dad for 3 years. He’s finally renting somewhere later this year but it’s even further from me. So think a whole days drive to get home to see everyone then he is another 100 miles on from that. I am hurt and trying to process it all.

I see my dc every day at the moment as living with us, signed off of work and waiting for an operation.

so I feel like a terrible daughter always.

I agree with this. I was always made to feel obligated when I went to UN university and when I moved out of home to see my parents every weekend and it became a chore and an obligation. I've told DS that he is welcome home whenever he wants but don't make it an obligation. I don't know whether that's the right way and I may never see him again but I felt resentful in the end and I don't want DS to feel like that.

Mainly due to caring responsibilities, but also because I live in a cheap area that feels like home to me and both my husband and I wanted to stay close to our families.

My eldest DS his DP and their 2DC (my DGC) see my ExH multiple times a week, and his DP’s family. I get once a year. If I’m lucky. No falling out but ExH has money. I don’t. My DD (with the same ExH) I see 3-4 times a year but I have to go to see her. She visits her DF regularly but never me. I live the next motorway exit up. 🤷‍♀️ Again, no falling out but he throws cash at them and I can’t compete.

OP, it depends in a great deal of things, the first one being geography - if your DC live three hours away, they’re not going to see you as often as if they live up the road. What are they doing? If they’re young twenties and work hard and play hard, again, maybe they won’t see so much of you - but when they settle down and have a family, you’ll see more of them. Two of my DDs live half a world away, so I see them at most twice a year, but they come and stay for at least a fortnight.

Also I live close, but not exactly down the road - both my husband and I live 30 mins from our families (though we are in the middle and they are in opposite directions in different counties)

Usually see them every weekend or every other weekend. FaceTime daily and lots of messages each day. Entirely driven by DCs who do have partners / lots of friends too. It’s lovely but I’d equally be happy with less as well, zero pressure from us. Maybe it will change if / when they have children themselves. Currently they are mid 20s.