How often do you typically see adult DCs? Saw a post from a mum whose DD won't commit to spending some time with her once a fortnight and it upset me

[BoringOwl]

I saw a post recently from another mum on MN who said she would like it if her adult DD (20s) could commit to having dinner with her once a fortnight, but her DD prioritizes her friends. I have 2 teenage DCs and I have been worrying that they won't want to spend any time with me as they transition into adulthood. I realise it's completely normal for DCs to spend less time with you as they mature and become adults, but something about the other mum's DD not wanting to commit to spending time with her really hit me hard emotionally.

I'm wondering, how much time do your adult DCs typically spend with you? I find the thought of an adult DC being too busy to even have dinner once a fortnight (or just not wanting to) to be quite upsetting. I would also not want them to see me as a "nuisance" or "hard work" - yet I've seen posts from people describing their own DM as such. I'd be heartbroken if my own DCs perceived me in that way.

Once a fortnight is a lot.

I see eldest who has left home probably on average once every 6 weeks or couple of months. But it can be more often at times. She is busy with work and socialising.

I was away at uni from 17 and only came home for the holidays, my parents rarely visited. After uni maybe went 2/3 months between visits.

That’s very sad that step sister is the priority. My family are difficult too.

When I was in my 20s, I was gallivanting about, enjoying my life and experiencing whatever. I didn't have a "difficult" relationship with my parents, but nevertheless, I didn't feel the need to meet up with them more than a couple times a year, perhaps at holidays. I was the eldest of 5, so perhaps I didn't feel as if I were leaving them abandoned on their own. There were times they wanted me to visit that were inconvenient for me, and I'm pretty certain that might have made them sad. But isn't that what it means to have raised a child to adulthood? They begin to live their own life independently of their parents. It wasn't until my mother was widowed that I actually began to call her weekly. Visits were still just once a year or so as I lived in another country by then.

Christmas and the odd birthday. That was enough. I have my own life, and she had hers. There are phones!

Dd living with partner.. she’s busy as they all are but I’d be very upset if I didn’t see her every couple of weeks at least. When she has kids she’ll need me again!!

This depends on so many factors!

DS1 used to live a few miles from my office, so I'd see him about once a fortnight when I went into the office. We'd go out for dinner and I'd sometimes stay the night there. He'd come to our house (90 miles away) for the weekend every 4 -6 weeks. However, he's now moved about 250 miles away so I've only seen him three times this year. We talk a lot on the phone and Whatsapp most days.

DS2 moved to uni when he was 19 and basically never came home. He now lives in a city about 200 miles away, and we see him about 3 times a year BUT he is crap at keeping in touch. We speak maybe once a month.

My mum used to live about 60 miles from me and we saw each other every month on average. However she moved to the other side of the country 4 years ago and I've only seen her twice this year. We do speak every week on the phone. She's currently in Australia visiting my sister and I realised she'll spend more time this year with my sister than she will with me!

The geography and logistics make it complicated. I work full time, we have a dog, so to go to see either DC means time off work if we are to get the whole weekend there, plus the dog needs to be looked after. DS2 and his GF live in a 2 bed flat so we can stay with them, but DS1 only has a 1 bed so we have to stay in a hotel which adds to the expense. DS1 also has to.work alternate weekends so that makes it extra awkward.

If we all lived in the same town then we'd see each other more often.

But I'm fine with it all. My mum and my boys are happy where they are, and DH and I are happy where we are, so it's all good.

Mine are 37, 30 and 28

I see the oldest and youngest probably once every 2 to 3 months

The middle one a bit more

But the have busy lives and I work full time so we fit it in as and when we can.

The two daughters and I go away once a year for a weekend the son isnt allowed to join us.

My 22 year old lives 2 hours away. We chat on WhatsApp on a daily basis and video calls every couple of weeks but I physically see him only every two or three months.

That's fine, he's setting out in life - and when I do see him, I drink him in!

My adult children have been at university in another country so went several months without seeing them. They have also been travelling so again 6 months between seeing them. I live in a different country to my mother and see her more now (once every 6/8 weeks ) as she is elderly and I worry about her. My adult children are now all back living at home and I can’t get rid of them 😆 It is normal for teens/ young adults to lead their own lives and not want to hang out with their parents so much. I see it as being independent .

My sons are in their 30s. One lives in Australia and see each other every 18 months so. We go there or he comes here, though we usually FaceTime once a week. My other son lives about 30 minutes away, we usually see him monthly depending on what we all have going on.
We have a family WhatsApp group which is very active. They’re living their lives which is good.

My son lives 3 hours away. I see him every couple of months. We talk once a week and WhatsApp through the week.

DC1 who lives 18 miles away, we see around twice a month on average, comes here every 5-6 weeks and we go to theirs every 5-6 weeks, and I meet up with them once or twice in between those times ... Sometimes on my own, sometimes with DH.

DC2 who lives 30 miles away, we see a bit less.. Maybe once a month I would say. They come here one time, then we go there the next. We all meet up together some 4-5 times a year too (like every couple of months maybe...) On mine or DH's birthday, and Christmas, and a couple of other random times during the year. Sometimes on Mothers Day and Fathers Day. On their birthdays they do their own thing with their partner(s) and friends, so we usually try to see them 2-3 days before to give them their gifts and card.

We do speak on around 2-3 days in any given week, on WhatsApp though, to DC1,) and do Facetime. (And one day a week with DC2.) It would be nice to have both DC 10 minutes walk down the road, like a few of my neighbours, and see them twice a week, (like they do,) but it is what it is. They are both University graduates, and professionals, and have busy careers, and busy lives. Lots of friends, and lots of hobbies and interests, and they travel quite a bit. (Both aged 30-ish.) So we know we're not No 1 in their lives anymore, and that's OK. They're adults, who have been independent for over a decade. Left home after leaving Uni and never returned.

I am just happy they're living their best lives, and there's no guarantee that if we did see them twice a week, that the relationship with them would be any better. It's great now, with both. I know that if we needed them urgently/in an emergency, they'd be here as soon as they could get here. They're not too far away.

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Oh that’s sad!!!

I go away with my DD and separately with DS. We have a great time, it’s really bonding. 😊

There are too many variables to answer this but my adult kids get on very well which each other so I think I see them a lot more than I would if they didn’t like each other. I think our family almost falls into the ‘enmeshed’ group - we like hanging out with each other. Even though two of my kids are married they still come over at least once a week or we do things together like escape rooms or meals out. We also holiday together maybe once a year. All my kids partners seem happy with how it works. They don’t always join in but often do.
I’m careful to never ever guilt trip or put any pressure at all on my kids. I never have done. I think it means I see them more.

The most important thing is making sure you all enjoy each others company and have fun together.

Mine are pretty local and I see them most weeks usually because they like coming to be fed. I saw dd most days when I did childcare for grandson but he's in school now so it's less.
For ds I see him more than ever now as he has a dog who has decided I am his favourite person in the world and the dog often detours to mine on his walks.
There is no commitment from either side needed, if they text and I am free then they know they are welcome.

Every sunday for dinner… sunday roast is the bribe.
Also weekly on a Friday as she collects my son from school that day.
We also holiday and do days out together

Before i had my son it was weekly on a sunday. Bribe of sunday dinner and use of the tumble dryer 😂

My mum is retired and away on holiday a lot. See her every couple of months ish? Saw her once in August, once in July, once in June and once in February, and Christmas. That's it so far this year.

It depends on the relationship. I think of you make a fuss, you will drive them away. Kids need to be allowed to have space from their parents. I don't think it's reasonable to expect once a fortnight.

Mine are at university in different countries. When they have graduated and are employed and (hopefully) living in the same city I intend to do what my mum did - earmark one day a week which is reserved for dinner at mine. Boyfriends and girlfriends welcome. They love my cooking.

They all call me regularly though. It’s a rare day when I don’t hear from at least one.

I don't think it's realistic to expect DC in their 20's to meet with you every fortnight. There might be exceptions, such as the mum is a terribly lonely widow or the DC in question is a real homebody or something. I was gallivanting around, having fun and travelling etc in my 20's and wouldn't have met my mum once a fortnight, even though our relationship was fine. She wouldn't have expected me to either.

Very much depends on lives and distance. When I lived a long way from my mum once every few months. I would however chat multiple times a week. Mostly whilst walking somewhere.

Now I have young children am working part time and she moved to be near my children. Most days. She picks up my children instead afternoon when I am working and is often helping me or company when I am home.

Expecting to see an adult child twice a month sounds very needy. They have their own lives. Thats very often - unless they live on your doorstep.

I don't think it's realistic to expect DC in their 20's to meet with you every fortnight

Why ever not?

DD is in her 20s, has a busy social life, lots of friends, job, boyfriend but DH and I see her at least once per week.

She loves us and enjoys being with us. At least she seems to!

I posted an innocuous comment, saying it is our fault. That this is due to the new narrative of people spewing shite along the lines of 'Friends are just as important as your family', 'children did not ask to be born' and that children don't owe anything to their parents. Like fuck they don't. And that only morons think that way - is moronic a banned word on MN?

I also said that we breed this swinery with our servant-like attitude - and my comment got deleted for breaking guidelines? Eh?