How can I handle my seven-year-old's controlling behaviour when I go out?

[Controlledbychild]

I need some help with how controlling my 7y/o DD is being...

We have a great relationship, always been very close and I do my absolute best to do loads of lovely things for and with her. If I'm honest, she could be described as spoiled. She doesn't have attachment issues in that she'll happily skip off to nursery/a friend's/on a trip. The controlling behaviour arises when I try to go anywhere. I have to go away for work for less than 2 nights per month and there is a huge performance each time even though this has been happening for years. She will have to call me in tears and then berate me for having a 'stupid job' when I get home. I have never been away for a single night for pleasure - only work - in the last 7 years as a result. Recently I went out for friends for dinner straight after work and had to leave the restaurant to deal with a tearful phonecall asking me to come home (I didn't).

I am both the main breadwinner and the main carer. I do every wake up and bedtime and most school drop offs when I'm not away with work. She still insists that it's not enough - almost tells me I need to be some 50s housewife who does nothing but looks after my children.

I'm starting to get really resentful of her which I know is not a good dynamic and I don't want to impose concepts - such as control - on her that's she's too immature to really understand. Her younger siblings is super easy going and has no such issues.

Any idea of how to handle and what might be the cause?

Hang on a sec… who is allowing her to phone you? Someone is calling you and handing her the phone.

That’s your problem right there

Totally agree.

You need to do bedtime 50/50...
Shared care. Or you will always be her Go To..

I traveled a lot for work when my kids were little and they didn’t like it. To help, I made a calendar of work trips and put it on the fridge so the kids could see when I saw away, how many nights etc. that helps them feel in control and able to anticipate events. I didn’t do phone calls when away because that upset them, and didnt ever change my plans for their requests. I would just crack on and tell them “I’m away for 2 days. I have to go for work. I’ll miss you and see you soon”. And they got used to it.

First post nails it

Yes my husband is doing the calling.

I agree - it's one option I've considered - do I just do less and get her used to me around a bit less? It's so intense and it's exhausting me.

Your daughter isn’t the problem in this one, your husband is. He is enabling this behaviour.

She is as you rightly say spoiled!

Time to move her on from this.

Send the odd text via partner (?) but stand firm over being phoned. If she kicks off before or after just laugh it off "Come on, you are a big girl now"

The other side of this of course is that she may not be trying to control what you do but that there is some genuine reason why your being away is causing her distress - who is she with?

@Controlledbychild You have a DH problem. He should be nipping her behaviour in the bud before it escalates and she wants to phone you.

She prefers mummy to daddy. You need to start evening that out!!! That’s not your daughter’s fault. You and DH need to make some changes.

You've answered your own question there OP.

I'm not surprised you are exhausted, given the phonecalls. Why is your husband not doing his job and looking after his own daughter when he is the parent in charge? Does he think he's helping her by allowing these tearful phonecalls? By saying 'it's one option I've considered' when it's the one obvious thing to do suggests you are allowing the situation to control you, rather than managing it.

At seven, your daughter is old enough to understand that people need to earn a living and that 8n your case (as in mine), you have to be away overnight sometimes. Could you do something just the two of you at weekends from time to time so she has a lot your attention?

She is child. If she is dictating it’s because indulgent parents are enabling it. You can easily nip this in the bud by being less attentive to that aspect of her character.

Husband is being absolutely hopeless. Does he resent you leaving him to parent his children? Or earning more than he does?

Do less for the child and the husband. Your husband certainly needs to grow up and set an example. Jeez.

He needs to work on his relationship with his daughter and you need to take some steps back.

The phoning whilst you are out is ridiculous. I can understand a child speaking to a parent when they are away overnight but calling you when you have gone out for dinner so she can yell at you is nuts.

Absolutely. You're raising two children it seems @Controlledbychild

Another thing I would add is framing it as controlling behaviour is I think allowing yourself to be controlled. All children and toddlers try to control the situation. As adults we don't let them. But I would frame this much more as having a tantrum. And then handle it the way you would any other tantrum, ie ignore, distract, be clear the tantrum does not get the result it wants. When you return and she demands grovelling you say don't be silly it's my job. Now you have a choice - when you are ready to talk / play nicely i will be here.

Yes my husband is doing the calling.

I'd be absolutely furious if my husband did this, does he not like you being away or out with friends either? That seems to be the only reason he would allow her to call you in the first place.

“She still insists that it's not enough - almost tells me I need to be some 50s housewife who does nothing but looks after my children.”

Very understandable of you to feel this way. However, to point out the obvious, she doesn’t know what a 1950s housewife is. You’re imposing that motivation on her. Her motivation is purely that she loves you, and finds it upsetting when you leave.

It is another adult you should be resenting instead for imposing that expectation of 24/7 parenting on you. Whoever you delegate to should be finding the right strategy to help her cope. Calling you doesn’t seem to be the one. Distraction, incentives, sympathy, or extra attention FROM THEM while you are away?

As well, maybe a one-on-one overnight trip just you and DD, once she has been a ‘big girl’ during 3-4 of your work trips? So she associates behaving well with MORE quality time with you? (And also please go away for fun as well as work, how often you’re away is not the issue here.)

WTF is your husband playing at indulging the emotional blackmail calls, he needs to shut that down and comfort /distract her himself so she gets used to it.

My DC2 went through a really clingy phase and it’s tough but he need to step up here and you need to be firmer, you can do this is a kind way.

Your husband should not be allowing the calls and should also be able to deal with her behaviour. I'm afraid I'd give her short shrift when she complains - 'Mum has to go to work to pay for keeping a roof over our head and food on the table, also all your clothes and treats and outings and toys. Daddy is here to look after you and you will be fine'. Then refuse to engage with it further and if she's rude to you, you issue a consequence. It's perfectly okay to say to your daughter, mum does a lot for everyone and she's allowed to go out and see her friends sometimes, just like you do. Don't pander to it, it will only get worse. Is dad perhaps a bit stricter than you and that's why she'd rather you were home?

My children had a Daddy Day every week when he was in sole charge. I am sure he did things very differently from me but I did not comment or interfere in any way.

There were 2 things that I went to in the evening every week - they just stayed home with their Dad.

Your DH needs to have time with her on his own with no possibility of contacting you. And you need to bite your tongue if you find his ways different from yours!

Yes, I do agree with a lot of this but I will also say that she proactively compares me to SAHMs so she does have that comparator.

Taking on board all the comments that I may have a DH problem and we are both being indulgent. Typical second child has always just gone with the flow but DD got lots of attention for several years and I think is still finding it hard to share!

I will focus more on quality one on one time with her, rather than quantity.

As the saying goes, you have a DH problem.