How can I handle my seven-year-old's controlling behaviour when I go out?

[Controlledbychild]

I need some help with how controlling my 7y/o DD is being...

We have a great relationship, always been very close and I do my absolute best to do loads of lovely things for and with her. If I'm honest, she could be described as spoiled. She doesn't have attachment issues in that she'll happily skip off to nursery/a friend's/on a trip. The controlling behaviour arises when I try to go anywhere. I have to go away for work for less than 2 nights per month and there is a huge performance each time even though this has been happening for years. She will have to call me in tears and then berate me for having a 'stupid job' when I get home. I have never been away for a single night for pleasure - only work - in the last 7 years as a result. Recently I went out for friends for dinner straight after work and had to leave the restaurant to deal with a tearful phonecall asking me to come home (I didn't).

I am both the main breadwinner and the main carer. I do every wake up and bedtime and most school drop offs when I'm not away with work. She still insists that it's not enough - almost tells me I need to be some 50s housewife who does nothing but looks after my children.

I'm starting to get really resentful of her which I know is not a good dynamic and I don't want to impose concepts - such as control - on her that's she's too immature to really understand. Her younger siblings is super easy going and has no such issues.

Any idea of how to handle and what might be the cause?

Go away more often and make him parent properly. It's his behaviour that's the issue not yours. Stop answering the phone. When you leave tell both your children you love them and you will see and speak to them when you return. Tell him not to phone you.

I think that you have 2 problems here both your husband and daughter.

You need to tell your husband that without your income as a family you can't afford your mortgage, bills ect. In order to do your job and to get any further promotions you need to travel for work.
Tell him you don't want any more calls from your daughter when you are away with work or when you go out a night with your friends with her crying and wanting you at home. Tell him as a father he needs to step up, do his share and stop leaving you to deal with everything.
You need to start going out the odd day and night with friends. You need a break from work, childcare and carrying the mental load. Unless you look after yourself you will end up physically and mentally run down.

You both need to tell you daughter that she is a big girl and that mammy needs to work to earn money. Tell her the money you earn as an adult pays the mortgage on your home, the car to get her to school and friends, the meals she eats, presents and holidays.
Tell her there will be no more calls when you are away. Put up a calender and let her see when you are away. If she behaves well when you're gone away give her a gold star. Tell her if she behaves like a big girl she will get a nice treat later on.

Tell her as well that if she starts moaning ect about this she won't be bought to swimming ect something that she likes and there won't be any treat. Let her see that's actions have consequences.

I have a friend that recently went back to work 3 days a week after being a sahm for over 12 year's. She has 3 teens and a younger child. She told her youngest kid that mammy is doing this to earn money to pay for food, treats ect. She told her older kids that she is using her qualifications to earn money to pay the bills. She wants her kids to see it important to work in school and get exams. And that getting exams can get them into an apprenticeship, different courses after school or university.
It means as well that her husband has to do more at home and so do her kid's. It helping her kids learn that mammy is just not there to do everything and they have to clean up, cook ect depending on age when she is not there. It making them better at doing jobs and becoming more independent. Within a few years they will be leaving home for university ect and they need to be able to cook, clean ect then.

I think I am a monster 😅 if dc ever tried this kind of nonsense they got very short shrift - don't be ridiculous, much as I love you I also love holidays and chocolate so I need to go to work.

Maybe my kids will need extensive therapy 🤔

Really? I bet he is!

What?
This is a little girl missing her mummy, not 'controlling behaviour'! What 'control' doed she have. You should absolutely be phoning your kuds each evening when you are away. Yes, she might cry, and you might find it upsetting but she's entitled to her have her own feelings!

No, this is a child being indulged by a father who cannot be arsed dealing with it on his own.

She should be having a nice call with her mum when it works for mum but not crying and wailing for her to come home every time. This is unacceptable.

Secure attachment being thoroughly undermined by the dad here.

@Controlledbychild I really think you need to talk to someone about this DH and his passive personality it can be toxic within family relationships. It's really not healthy for your children to see they can manipulate adults.

You need advice. Find time to make one appointment.

This is 100% not a DD problem, it’s a husband problem.

If you leave your child with her father, they are not to call you and bother you, whether you are working or out with friends, unless it is an emergency. Also, you are allowing your child to guilt-trip you for being a hardworking woman.

First, you have to think very, very carefully about how you want to change the workload distribution between you and your husband. Then sit him down and tell him, not ask him, but tell him, what you need him to take over. After that, you need to make it clear that when you are out, he is not to call you. He is the father of that child and should be able to handle things on his own.

Then sit down and have a heart-to-heart with your daughter. Tell her that you love her and that you care deeply about her well-being. Explain that you also have a job that you like and enjoy, and that it provides income to support your family, and that you are also a human being who has other needs, like going out with your friends, and when you are out and she is home with her dad, she should not be calling you. Next time she/they call, do not pick up the phone. You may text and ask if this is an emergency, just to make sure, and if it is not, do not answer.

Good luck OP and kudos to you for being a wonder women!

This

It’s your husband who’s being controlling, the kid is a pawn in his game to make you feel guilty for being away and bring you back where you belong (under his thumb & doing all the domestic labour)

Your husband sounds very ineffectual as a parent. If he’s not prepared and/or able to do more at home, can he not take on more of the financial burden? It sounds like youre bearing an unfair load and youre right to resent this. You need downtime too to see your friends or do your hobbies.

I’d have a very straight talk with him. I’m always really saddened when there are husbands quite happy ambling along leisurely in life whilst their wives approach breaking point. It’s not really what a relationship should be about.

Well the thing is she has learned that her behaviour gets results. She tantrums/demands/is sad then your DH gets her mum. You are also indulging her by asnwering her calls/ responding to her pleas and agreeing with her that it’s all terrible for her and you would rather be home with her. Enough. Time to tell her you are a person who enjoys work/going out/having friends and you’ll not be able to chat during these times so you can enjoy yourself. It might feel harsh initially and I wouldn’t be building in more 1:1 quality time. I’m guessing she gets plenty as it is. I’d be getting her more friends and outside interests and building her resilience not reliance. This is your and your husband’s fault. Not hers. She’s behaving how you have taught her to. Time to help her grow up and be better.

It's not op's fault for picking up the phone! She gets a call from dh, she doesn't know if it's an emergency.

The fault lies squarely with the dad for encouraging this behaviour.

If I'm is out and the kids are crying for me, dh distracts them, comforts them, reassures them. That's the opposite of "yeah you're right, isn't it tragic that your mum went out, let's call her to get her to come home, what a stupid job she has that makes her go away" which is evidently the sort of thing op's h has been saying to the girl all her life.

Darling I’m going to be blunt. She’s a kid. When you’re a kid life is not a democracy . She doesn’t get a vote. Having said this, you and your husband need to grow a pair and be the bloody adults. Nobody has the power to MAKE you think or feel anything. You have chosen to give her too much power in decision-making and she has become a despot. You need to allow her to be disappointed/sad/angry and learn to manage her feelings without being responsible for them - or she won’t grow into a functional adult.

I’d say sorry, I won’t be available to answer the phone between these hours and put it on do not disturb. Agree you need to share childcare at home more too

While I agree with you, she still doesn’t need to answer the phone. In the unlikely event of an emergency he can deal with it as he would have to if her phone was out of range or she was in a meeting without it. Or he could alert her via text message. Everyone is indulging this DC

It sounds like you've taken on board all the advice so far. In terms of this I think she just needs telling not to be so rude. How dere she tell you, the adult, what you should a be doing. Remind her that she is a very lucky girl, that you have two children and the workd doesn't revolve around her. Honestly, be a little bit cross with her and tell her you are disappointed with how selfish she is being. Let her know that she is making you sad. Or that she could be making her sibling sad. She sounds entirely self centred because this is where you have both placed her.

And put a rocket up your dh's arse for his ineffective parenting. Stop feeling guilty for going out and being the main breadwinner. He isn't some poor lamb who needs saving because occasionally he has to look after both kids and it's hard for him. He is a fully grown adult just like you and he needs to start pulling his weight.

It's all on him for misusing phone calls. Emergency by text? No, that's the wrong way round!

If dh or I are out and the kids are upset, we do sometimes text "hope you're having a nice time, dc2 is being a bit difficult, can't get him to bed aargh" just to offload.

If a phone call comes through, it's because it's an emergency. Dc2 has been in an ambulance before due to breathing issues and low blood oxygen...if that happens while I'm out, a text is not appropriate! I might not see it till hours later!

Edit - "if she was in a meeting" wtf, there is no meeting that can't be interrupted if your child has an emergency.

This is the point.

You need to demonstrate to your daughter that you choose to have a rewarding career, not that it is under sufferance just to pay the bills.

You need to tell your husband you will not be taking any more emotional blackmailing calls when you are away from home.

Your 7 year old needs putting in her place firmly - she has everything she needs from you- love, attention, care - what she needs is boundaries.

Your husband needs to be fully supportive of you, not acting like a limp lettuce leaf letting his 7 year old call the shots.

this totally and my usual question, what does he bring to the family? Please be gentle with your child while sorting this out, its not her fault, she has been taught to do this by the enablement of her father.

Your DH is the problem here, he is a lazy and ineffectual parent and happy to leave it all to you - even when you are away!

Indulge him no more. Set out a fairer division of tasks. No weepy demanding calls from DD. He is her dad and can look after her.

As for DD, she needs to understand it is okay to miss Mummy, but going away is part of her job and how she earns money for you all. Being rude and demanding is not going to change things, and she is a child and does not get to tell adults what to do.

My friends DP has done this since their daughter was a baby. He used to send videos of her as a baby crying with accompanying texts saying I don’t know what to do when we were out together (once every few months!). It was heartbreaking, I’d have torn mine a new one if he’d tried anything remotely like that. My friend is quite tough though, carried on going out and always pushed back against him, as a result now friends daughter is 4 she has a good relationship with dad and partner doesn’t do this any more.

This thing about a preferred parent. Surely its important in a family to do your best to ensure that there is not a preferred parent? I mean yes there might be different things that the children do with each parent but surely its really important that the children should feel safe and happy with either? Does anyone want to be the preferred one.

Consider Nuerodiversity. I get super frustrated with my 8YO’s controlling behaviour but understanding more about his ADHD has helped me.