How can I handle my seven-year-old's controlling behaviour when I go out?

[Controlledbychild]

I need some help with how controlling my 7y/o DD is being...

We have a great relationship, always been very close and I do my absolute best to do loads of lovely things for and with her. If I'm honest, she could be described as spoiled. She doesn't have attachment issues in that she'll happily skip off to nursery/a friend's/on a trip. The controlling behaviour arises when I try to go anywhere. I have to go away for work for less than 2 nights per month and there is a huge performance each time even though this has been happening for years. She will have to call me in tears and then berate me for having a 'stupid job' when I get home. I have never been away for a single night for pleasure - only work - in the last 7 years as a result. Recently I went out for friends for dinner straight after work and had to leave the restaurant to deal with a tearful phonecall asking me to come home (I didn't).

I am both the main breadwinner and the main carer. I do every wake up and bedtime and most school drop offs when I'm not away with work. She still insists that it's not enough - almost tells me I need to be some 50s housewife who does nothing but looks after my children.

I'm starting to get really resentful of her which I know is not a good dynamic and I don't want to impose concepts - such as control - on her that's she's too immature to really understand. Her younger siblings is super easy going and has no such issues.

Any idea of how to handle and what might be the cause?

If OP is the breadwinner and the primary carer I am curious to know what her husband is adding to the equation.

but self defeating to get her to quit her job but if he’s feeling emasculated….

Why on earth is your husband facilitating these calls? It sounds unhelpful to her and you.
Perhaps you could set a convenient time you either send a video message or call or something? But the 'emergency' style calls should not be being facilitated. He needs to sort healthier ways of helping her to feel safe.
You could do the 'how to talk so kids will listen' stuff where you sit down together with the child and a big bit of paper and say i have a problem I need your help with and all write down ideas together? Then at least she feels heard.
But yes you need to be going out for pleasure too. And maybe giving a phone to a friend to police during these nights.
Is it definitely dd and not husband driving this dynamic?

I look after my niece who is 3. Absolutely no fucking way would I ring either of her parents if they were out or at work. Unless an emergency of course. Your DH is sending you a message via your DD. Terrible behaviour.

I cannot believe you need a thread to figure this out.

Your husband needs to put his foot down and say, no, mummy's busy. Go do your Lego or whatever

Consensus is heard loud and clear!

I'm annoyed with myself - I really wanted to be a present mum whilst also having a career but what has happened is I've effectively martyred myself on the basis that I have to over compensate for sometimes going away for work.

I really don't think she's anxious or has attachment issues (may be wrong of course) but I do feel this dynamic is not healthy and needs to change.

This, in spades. My eldest child would be like this but DH doesn’t let him be.

Well, yes, that was my gut feeling. I do think she needs a stronger father figure. But I also wanted to know if others thought it might be something else/relatively normal/caused more specifically by my behaviour.

Your husband is using your daughter to control you. Bad in so many levels...

Are there other issues with your husband and parenting?

I'm not sure on this to be honest. I think he just can't take a sad child and also I have to sort everything out so he just defaults to that!

This thread is really sad. She's not being controlling. She's expressing that she's unhappy when you go out and she wants it to be different. She just needs you to help her see that it's ok.

You enjoy your work. That's good. Tell her. Say "I love being your Mummy but I also love my work. I have to go away to do a good job at work, but then I'll come straight back to be a good Mum."

She'll soon grow out of this.

I suppose so. I have to be the bad guy. He's pretty ineffectual in many ways.

He can look after them - feed them, keep them safe, good at playing with them - but if I'm around I have to do the 'hard bits'. I will have to ask him to reinforce me if I am having to lay down the law - he would naturally just sit and watch.

So pay attention. Are there other circumstances where he is controlling? Does he try to influence your DD's behaviour or opinions? Does he support your career (with actions, not words)? Is he proud of your career? Is he more "useless" in certain situations and not others?

What does he actually do then?

I think you need to sit him down and explain that you need to work and as a family you rely on your income. Taking all the emotional strain at home is going to lead to a breakdown

It’s normal. It’s completely normal for her to not want mummy to go away. She is a 7 year old girl who loves you more than anything in the world. I can’t believe you would think this behaviour is ‘controlling’ to be honest.

What isn’t normal is your or DH’s actions and reactions. You tell her you go to work because you need to earn money but because you also really like your job. You also tell her you are going out to see your friends or undertake your hobby because you like doing these things. You reassure her that you love her more than anything and you will see her as soon as you are back. And you leave. And DH then parents her through her emotions of mummy leaving, instead of calling you FFS!

Turn your phone off when you are out 🤷🏻‍♀️

He doesn't do much! I do all the morning routine every morning, including making lunches before a 7am train to work. We do alternate putting youngest to bed but not oldest because she insists on me.... I do all cooking and planning. He does laundry.

Again, I overcompensate because there are nights/mornings when he has to sort them out alone and he finds it difficult. So I spend a lot of time 'buying' my time away at work I guess.

Yeah this isn’t going to work longer term

you need a proper sit down with him and get him to step up

Your h sounds a bit useless. What’s the point of him?

i think you need a fairer balance of tasks and childcare. You’re doing a lot.

When do you get leisure time?

You are on a one way path to burn out if you are guilty about the time you spend at your job to the extent it’s viewed as your downtime away from your kids. I think it’s why you are subconsciously viewing her behaviour in such terrible ways to be honest.

To be clear - the 'controlling' is not the sadness, it's the hard time she gives me when I come home and the constant desire for more. E.g. not good enough to do drop off, I should also be able to do pick up everyday. I shouldn't spend any one on one time with my youngest etc. And I don't understand it because she gets LOADS of quality one on one with me - it's just never enough.

But that's what a babysitter would do, he's supposed to be a parent? He isn't doing any real parenting. He's fine with you doing everything, & is potentially using your daughter to curtail your social life too. What would happen if you started going out regularly & switched your phone off? This is definitely a husband problem, not a daughter one.

This. When you go out, refuse to answer the phone. He is an adult, so he can deal with it. If she starts kicking off when you have a trip, just leave. Do not engage. If she starts to cry, just say bye darling see you soon… and leave. Don’t flinch, don’t negotiate, don’t cry.

If I was cynical, I would query whether your DH is manipulating your DD over this - that he has an issue with yuo being the main breadwinner and his ego is hurt, so that he is deliberately manoeuvring DD into the ‘mummy’ role.

Her behaviour is not happening in a vacuum. He is at the very least facilitating it - perhaps even instigating it - and you are rising to it like a salmon.

She's at nursery?At 7? Are u outside of the UK?

I don't get any leisure time. I go out with my friends for dinner maybe once every 2 months and that's it.