How can I handle my seven-year-old's controlling behaviour when I go out?

[Controlledbychild]

I need some help with how controlling my 7y/o DD is being...

We have a great relationship, always been very close and I do my absolute best to do loads of lovely things for and with her. If I'm honest, she could be described as spoiled. She doesn't have attachment issues in that she'll happily skip off to nursery/a friend's/on a trip. The controlling behaviour arises when I try to go anywhere. I have to go away for work for less than 2 nights per month and there is a huge performance each time even though this has been happening for years. She will have to call me in tears and then berate me for having a 'stupid job' when I get home. I have never been away for a single night for pleasure - only work - in the last 7 years as a result. Recently I went out for friends for dinner straight after work and had to leave the restaurant to deal with a tearful phonecall asking me to come home (I didn't).

I am both the main breadwinner and the main carer. I do every wake up and bedtime and most school drop offs when I'm not away with work. She still insists that it's not enough - almost tells me I need to be some 50s housewife who does nothing but looks after my children.

I'm starting to get really resentful of her which I know is not a good dynamic and I don't want to impose concepts - such as control - on her that's she's too immature to really understand. Her younger siblings is super easy going and has no such issues.

Any idea of how to handle and what might be the cause?

?
I mean school drop off. Younger sibling is at nursery.

Sibling jealousy can be very destructive - not sure what you can do there but you need to protect your youngest too and not just assume they’re easy going so won’t mind

I feel for you OP.

You sound like a great Mum but you also sound like a slave to your family and I mean that in the kindest way.

Your 7yo is just a child. As others have said, you have a DH problem.

We run our own business, DH works 60 hour weeks sometimes and he’ll still find time to do things that makes life easier for me without me asking him (for example, he loves doing bedtimes, he loves cooking for us as a family, he will put a load of laundry on if he sees the bin is looking full and I’ve done a day of admin and haven’t got round to it etc, he’ll wash and sterilise babies bottles if they need doing, he is firm in his parenting but fair, very kind and loving, fun, and he would not hand over a phone for our child to guilt trip me for being out or away).

You need to tell your DH to step up and parent his children whilst you are away whether that be a work trip or dinner with friends.

Your husband seems to have trained her into this viewpoint that she's being deprived of mummy and should feel sad about it.

If dh let my dc ring me in tears when I'm out for dinner...well, it had better be some kind of ambulance-level emergency. Otherwise he would hear my thoughts on the matter.

Your husband is doing a textbook job of undermining you.

He doesn't earn. He doesn't parent. He undermines you. Just what is he good for? Was he always like this, what tempted you to settle for this man?!

Does your DH have views on a mothers role?

Your DH is allowing her to phone you and also not stepping up.
I am both the main breadwinner and the main carer.

A man would never see the need to buy his time at work! Unless you are keeping all your salary to yourself, you are earning to support them all, and DH should be less ineffective.
You need to change your handle to Controlled by Husband.

See it doesn't strike me as this, i think it's more a case of someone who is weak and ineffectual at everything. The kind of useless man who shrugs and takes the easy option in every situation. He doesn't sound clever enough to be consciously manipulative of the situation.

Ugh, I'd have too much contempt to stay in such a marriage

Echo that she sounds anxious. I’d be looking in to why this might be

Where did she get all those ideas about SAHM?

At 7yo, my dcs would never have made that sort of comparaison. And I was ‘away’ much more than you are!! So someone has been talking to her about SAHM at least, if not about the fact SAHM don’t travel for work.

I think you need to be careful in the words you and your dh are using.
You are going out? Great you tell her you’re going to see some friends. That’s it.
You’re away with work? That’s just that.
If she asks again about the ‘stupid work’, just answer calm"y that some jobs need people to travel. That you love your job and you hope that she’ll find ine she enjoys just as much when she is an adult.
And she gets to have daddy with her! How amazing to be able to do things differently (because they will be, even if slightly)
Dint make it something it has to be done. Or anything that sounds like it is hard work and/or unfair.

Your dh should not let her ring. He should deal with the cries and her tantrums. He should be able to reassure her (atm he is delegating that to you still, even when you’re not there!), make it fun. Have a routine that is theirs.

He should also do half of the bed times the rest of the times. It’s unfair to you, him and your dd that he doesn’t do them tbh.

DH and I both used to travel for work and the DC ( aged around 3-7 at the time) would do the whole “I miss mummy/ daddy wah wah wah” mainly when they weren’t getting their own way with the parent who was left in charge 😂. It was often quite theatrical but we had a pact to stand firm and just say “ well mummy/ daddy is working and can’t speak to you right now but you can call them tomorrow” and then they’d forget about it. We’d also have a pact to be v positive about the other ones trips and explain what it was for and why we had to go. You need to get your DH on side here. He should not be facilitating guilt trip phone calls.

Your husband shouldn’t be letting her call you! He is the problem. You need to go out more. And he needs to bloody step up if you are the main breadwinner AND carer!!

My children prefer me.

My husband never calls me unless he NEEDS me to come home. Agree with everyone - husband problem and your daughter knows he will call you so plays up to it.

Men. URGH

Why are you doing mornings and bedtimes

why is husband not doing 50 /50

Get rid of the phone, or if it's someone else lending her theirs to call you, they need to stop doing that.

I’d say something needs to give.

Your h needs to step up.

And you need a better work-life balance

Your child isn’t being ‘controlling’ she’s being a child. It’s a bit odd to label it any other way.

I’m also not sure why you think your child is the problem, rather than your husband ( the adult) who is not parenting.
I think you both need to spend some time learning more about child development and how to parent

I wouldn't describe a seven-year old's behavior as 'controlling' to start with. She is acting out because she is used to having you around - both you and your DH are fueling this behavior so maybe take responsibility for that rather than feeling resentful that she is 'controlling'. I would just give her plenty of notice when you go out or are traveling and let her know that she will be with a loving adult at the time, and that she needs to learn to accept that. Have consistent boundaries around this and set expectations appropriately. If your work is relatable to a child, I would also explain the importance of it, not just to pay for things but in itself. I think it would do your daughter a world of good to see your work as empowering and a benefit for her and the family.

She’s old enough to know better. I’d end all treats, club, pocket money, activities… the lot. When she asks why, tell her it’s because your “stupid job isn’t paying for it anymore”

Someone is teaching her such phrases are okay, that making you leave an evening out with friends whilst she’s with another parent is okay, disrupting you and your job whilst your on a business trip is okay. If it’s not you, it’s your husband. Put a stop to it immediately.

Don’t be too hard on yourself.

It is very easy to fall into the “guilt trap” of working and being busy, then overcompensating with material things, accepting behaviours than you don’t like etc etc because you work hard or for long hours or work away.

It will be ok.

Tomorrow, go to the shop, on your own, even if it’s just for 30 minutes, don’t answer the phone if your DH rings.

Try not to over explain. I’m going to work. I’m going to the shop.

You don’t need to feel guilty about working hard.

I bet he isn't ineffectual at work

Wow. Stop pandering to her and tell dh to grow some balls and sort his daughter out if you are out - whether work or pleasure

🤢 This is horrible phrasing.

“I’ll rush right back darling and be a good mummy again!”

No. OP is a good mum. She’s going to work. All this dancing around and her husband allowing her to phone and cry has caused these issues in the first place.

Reward the behaviour you want to see and ignore the bad.
Turn the phone off and let it go to voicemail and she will soon get bored. At most if you are away agree one call at a set time and keep it short.

This. He is behaving very badly.