How can I handle my seven-year-old's controlling behaviour when I go out?

[Controlledbychild]

I need some help with how controlling my 7y/o DD is being...

We have a great relationship, always been very close and I do my absolute best to do loads of lovely things for and with her. If I'm honest, she could be described as spoiled. She doesn't have attachment issues in that she'll happily skip off to nursery/a friend's/on a trip. The controlling behaviour arises when I try to go anywhere. I have to go away for work for less than 2 nights per month and there is a huge performance each time even though this has been happening for years. She will have to call me in tears and then berate me for having a 'stupid job' when I get home. I have never been away for a single night for pleasure - only work - in the last 7 years as a result. Recently I went out for friends for dinner straight after work and had to leave the restaurant to deal with a tearful phonecall asking me to come home (I didn't).

I am both the main breadwinner and the main carer. I do every wake up and bedtime and most school drop offs when I'm not away with work. She still insists that it's not enough - almost tells me I need to be some 50s housewife who does nothing but looks after my children.

I'm starting to get really resentful of her which I know is not a good dynamic and I don't want to impose concepts - such as control - on her that's she's too immature to really understand. Her younger siblings is super easy going and has no such issues.

Any idea of how to handle and what might be the cause?

I agree. I also wonder how much your DH is encouraging this behaviour and, in fact giving her the actual words to berate you with.

Like other responders, I think that you have a husband problem and he is weaponising your 7 year old to try to control you. Try not to take it out on her - it is your husband who resents your "stupid job" not your daughter. She doesn't understand that she is being manipulated to hurt you.

Best of luck to you as you try to sort this situation out ♥️

Sounds like your husband can't cope with looking after his own child on his own, pathetic. Tell him to stop the phonecalls, it's not helping any of you.

OR…your child has autism? Have you ever considered her behavior to be anxiety driven? This kind of behaviour is often seen in children with autism and girls hide it usually a lot better. My son was exactly the same with me when younger and drove me bonkers! Then he was diagnosed autistic and they explained all these things were part of it and his anxiety at change and the one person he saw as the stability of life when i wasn’t there he panicked.

What?
She is seven!
She has no idea about adult relationships
Dh must be telling her what to say?
Shut it down. Laugh at her.
Mummy works so we can go on holiday to xx and buy you trainers.
Daddy And i share the jobs of working for money and looking after you.

I think you’re making this deeper and more complicated than it is. You have to disconnect her upbringing from your career given you’re the breadwinner and you would never stay at home anyway. The bottom line is: this is the job, this is what it entails, there’s no choice in the matter. Doesn’t mean mummy doesn’t love you. There’s no way mummy can be in two places at the same time. Most of mummy’s time outside of work is spent with the family. Mummy has two children, a husband, friends and her own health to consider. There will never be more than 24 hours in mummy’s day. You can decide what we do for the 1.5 (or however many) hours you have me to myself on a Saturday morning but that’s it. I owe your sibling time, I owe your daddy time, I owe myself time.

She’s doing this because she can, you entertain it. Just stop entertaining it. Literally billions of kids are raised by working parents, the vast majority successfully. You need to do it for her sake, so she learns resilience and self-sufficiency and how to handle herself.

Do not say this
'i need to work for money and would rather be home with you'.

Dont let her think you are pining for her all the time. You are not. You are a person with a job and a life .
Jobs are important
For money yes but also self esteem your wellbeing and confidence

Say

'i love my work and i love to spend time with you like when we go to cinema/park/ etc" .

"I have worked hard to get a good job and i also love being with you when we go to xxxx/do xxxx"

"I have friends who i see and when i am out you are with daddy/babysitter and you can ask them about xxxx"

I find it quite odd that you are calling your child’s behaviour “controlling” then the problem seems to be your husband.

Why is he letting her call you instead for reinforcing boundaries and disrupting your time away?

Your husband needs to do better and you need to reflect on why you are seeing your daughter’s behaviour as the issue here instead of your husband’s behaviour.

This

Your husband shouldn’t be enabling your DD to phone you when you’re out. I would tell them both that you won’t answer the phone when you’re out with friends. And don’t! Your DD is perfectly safe at home with your DH. He needs to get a grip.

Parenting course recommended 10 to 20 minutes special time with each child, focus fully on them, whatever they want to do with you within the options available, uninterrupted. Make sure they know they are having special time with mummy. Then the rest of the time they can learn to self entertain.