How can I handle my seven-year-old's controlling behaviour when I go out?

[Controlledbychild]

I need some help with how controlling my 7y/o DD is being...

We have a great relationship, always been very close and I do my absolute best to do loads of lovely things for and with her. If I'm honest, she could be described as spoiled. She doesn't have attachment issues in that she'll happily skip off to nursery/a friend's/on a trip. The controlling behaviour arises when I try to go anywhere. I have to go away for work for less than 2 nights per month and there is a huge performance each time even though this has been happening for years. She will have to call me in tears and then berate me for having a 'stupid job' when I get home. I have never been away for a single night for pleasure - only work - in the last 7 years as a result. Recently I went out for friends for dinner straight after work and had to leave the restaurant to deal with a tearful phonecall asking me to come home (I didn't).

I am both the main breadwinner and the main carer. I do every wake up and bedtime and most school drop offs when I'm not away with work. She still insists that it's not enough - almost tells me I need to be some 50s housewife who does nothing but looks after my children.

I'm starting to get really resentful of her which I know is not a good dynamic and I don't want to impose concepts - such as control - on her that's she's too immature to really understand. Her younger siblings is super easy going and has no such issues.

Any idea of how to handle and what might be the cause?

My DD was (and still is) incredibly astute at picking at the right buttons to get me to feel guilty and as such I had to work really hard on me to stop it.

Shes picked up that she gets a reaction from you on the mum guilt and is using it. I don't think it needs a big reset, just answer differently and breezy now and shut down any argument. It may get worse before it gets better, but it only took my DD a week of me readjusting things for her to catch on.

So when you're back and she's going on about you working/playing with sibling/being away! Just reply casually, "mummy enjoys work and I won't be giving that up" "of course I need to play with x too" "of course I'll be seeing my friends, going to the gym or whatever, off you go". Don't pander to the tears and drama. It's giving reaction. And get your DH to stop letting her call really upset. He needs to distract her. And if she does make the call, again just calmly "back tomorrow darling, no I'm not going to keep going over why I'm away, I've told you it's work and I'll see you when I'm back - put daddy back on" do not keep explaining the same answer to her. My DD is now a teen. I repeat myself twice more max (if it's a huge thing) and now simply say you just don't like my answer but you keeping asking is not changing it.

It will get sorted, you just need to firm up, use a firm but warm tone and stop repeating yourself and apologising.

To your question about how to adjust i can't imagine gradually would help, I think it would be more confusing. My advice would be to sit down and have a chat about her behaviour. I would focus on the fact that everyone in the family matters everyone has wants and needs, including you. You want and need to be able to spend time with your friends without a fuss. You enjoy your job and it helps your mental health as well as paying the bills. And mummy and daddy have let you make too mucn fuss and that doesn't help you to build resilience and grow into the strong woman she should become. So from now on we are going to practice how we handle situations that we don't like because they are important to other people. Then next time there is a tantrum it's "oh yes we definitely need to practice xxx (e.g. daddy putting you to bed when mummy is in the house).

Nursery for a 7 yo?

Sorry WHEN she went to nursery there was no issue and same with school. No problem going to places without me and never has been.

You mentioned your DH’s childhood dynamics. Do you think she could pick up some grandma’s comments about you being away etc?
It also sounds like your DH is not making enough effort to normalise you being away and to make being with him an attractive option. Im not saying he is treating her badly but maybe the activities/ routine/ rules are more tailored towards your youngest.

It does sound as if your daughter is bright enough for you to have a conversation with her to the effect that she clearly is not as hard done by as she thinks, that you being a SAHM is never going to happen (not least because it would mean her leaving her private school, to say nothing for your own self-respect and fulfilment) and she needs to appreciate what she has.

Bloody hell, you poor thing.
Obviously you need to have a long and firm conversation with your husband. He sounds useless in regards to this but to be honest, changing this dynamic would be best for him too- it must feel pretty crap to be constantly rejected by a bossy daughter.

I think you need to go out for the evening at least once a week. Even if you don't have plans, go out. And when you do, don't ever apologise for it- tell your daughter that you love having time alone, or with your friends.

I also travel a bit for work and did use to tell my (admittedly much younger!) child that I didn't want to go, would prefer to be with them etc. But then I realised that it wasn't very nice for them to think of me being miserable, in a hotel on my own- and it also risked them viewing work negatively. Now I share that I look forward to going away and sleeping in a nice hotel, and that it's very important for me to have some time without the rest of the family- and though I look forward to coming home, I'm not fretting for anyone.
Hope this helps, OP!

The problem is the person letting her call you, they're playing into her anxiety and validating her behaviour. I have my niece overnight quite often, she asks for her mummy and says she wants her. There have been a couple of times when she has cried but mainly she's easily distracted.

My worry is for the younger child. She barely gets a mention here. From the picture your paint all the attention is going to the eldest. Potentially this is setting up problems and resentment in the future.

Just because you’re her mother it does not mean she rules the roost! It if were me I would actively seek to be away overnight for work more often so your DD learns to get on with it, as well as your DH. You can tell DH no calls unless it’s a genuine emergency. Sorry but you need to toughen up and to stop indulging your DD.

After reading all the comments the child isn’t the problem, your husband is the problem. How on earth can a 7y/o come to understand she doesn’t need you for everything and you have a life outside of her if your husband shows her that she in fact does need you for everything and he can’t handle her on his own?

You being the breadwinner, default parent and also doing the majority of the home maintenance is absolutely ridiculous, he needs to pick up some slack, especially with your DD that’s having issues. She’s never going to realise she doesn’t always need you if he’s going so far as to calling you when you aren’t there, handing the phone over and in turn pushing the idea that she always needs you. He can handle it himself, only then will she learn that her dad is a parent also.

7y/o’s have some sense but they’re still young, she isn’t going to magically understand you aren’t constantly needed if she isn’t shown, and she can’t be expected to.

Hello, within my professional role i'd suggest she sees you as her safe adult, and for whatever reason does not see dh as the same, which would suggest when you are not there she does not feel emotionally safe and is on guard. Quite possibly if she plays up for dh it will be because shes exhausted from not being able to relax.

She may also be anxious sonething may happen to you when away. Have you thought of a worry monster?

Likewise, when you get home, she will want that emotional saftey again and reassurance. What may help is a schedule of dates away and where you are going.
We are a military family also dh, always does a little video clip of where he is staying for the children. This helps

All of that said on a parental level when i need time out the children are told by me; im working speak to dad please, or he will say, mums working whats the problem? Likewise i do for him at work.
Its tough in the trenches but her behaviour is trying to communicate sonething to you.

Hopeless? Or deliberately manipulating the OP through their child?

The power given to kids is ridiculous. You do what you want when you want you are the adult.
tell kid what is happening and when end of story. No calling you and if grumpy when you come back just ignore it

Yup totally ineffectual DH.

You do have my sympathies though. I was a SAHM and began to realise, over a great deal of time, that any time I had something nice organised for myself (quite rare) that one of my kids - principally DD - would magically be ill so I couldn't go, would have to cancel and stay home to look after them.

After a while, I started not to tell them just to see what happened. Magically, I started to be able to enjoy the occasional lovely time - they didn’t know so didn't pull a sickie to prevent me from having a nice time. I am not sure if it was conscious or subconscious but it definitely made a huge change if I didn’t tell them. Doesnt help in your particular circumstance but you are not alone!

Why are you even answering the phone I certainly wouldn't be ! You are the adult she doesn't get to dictate what you do or where you go stop enabling this behaviour and tell your husband to stop bloody calling you for her

Our LO is 7 in September and would be surgically attached to me if he could. About 2 years ago I made a big effort to share care with his dad and it has definitely helped. My husband works lasted than bedtime usually twice a week but he does every bedtime he is home and does school drop off a couple of days a week. I go out with friends a couple of times a month and partner wouldn’t call me because he’s dad-why can’t he do anything that LO would need me for?!

This is a separation anxiety being interpreted as controlling behaviours. These are real and big feelings for your daughter - she feels safer with you there and that is not unusual at 7 from developmental perspective.

The trick is to acknowledge this is hard for her, avoid shaming in any way by comparing the younger sibling. Instead, try 'I know this is hard, but all Mums and Dads need to take adult time out. I always make sure you are perfectly safe while I am away so I know you might feel a little worried but you will be safe and cared for'. Keep repeating on mantra. There are some lovely books like The Invisible String out there a 7 year old can enjoy reading.

Please don't fall into the trap of thinking this is something broken - I'm a health professional and see loads of kids with separation anxiety from lots of different family homes - it really is a skill they develop like any other, but a simple mantra easy to repeat usually helps

Why on earth are you being controlled by a seven year old? Who is looking after her and letting her call you? When you know she’s going to be moaning why do you answer the call? How people let their kids rule their lives never fails to amaze me, start acting like the parent!

Imagine that you go to the same restaurant everyday and order the same meal then suddenly a new chef makes your meal. You ordered the same thing but its totally different somehow. You do the daily routine almost everyday, then when you are gone your husband takes over. He likely does it completely differently and this causes a lot of anxiety which might come out as anger in a child. She needs to get used to having two different people do the routines so its not such a huge adjustment. Make sure there are some similarities between the two routines as well.

You tell him that he is not to call you when you go out for the evening. He is using her to control you.

I think saying you are a big girl now is a terrible idea. I don't believe in pandering to children but Mum being away 2 nights is quite a big issue. But she will have to accept it. I agree with stopping the phonecalls if they make things worse.

Who gives her the phone?

So you have a job you enjoy and your daughter as well looked after (I did roll my eyes at the private education bit though)

Your husband should not be giving your daughter the phone to guilt you because he's too fucking lazy to sort out taking a seven-year-old to bed. Any adult should be capable of doing this. I'd have a good long hard look at him and keep daughter out of it.

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

I thought the child was home alone !!!!!!!