Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

@BrendaSouleyman - I know you have already responded to @taylorfan but I think the point about hormones could be very well-made. I'm now in my late 50s and have been post-menopausal for several years but I remember the early years of perimenopause (around 43-44) and how incredibly wretched and hopeless I felt in the run up to my period - much stronger than any PMT I had previously had. It really felt like the world was coming to an end; unutterably grim. After quite a while, I realised that this feeling coincided with my upcoming period and that similarly aged friends were having similar experiences. Even just knowing that helped me detach from my feelings a bit. I think @taylorfan's advice about looking for incremental improvements in your situation rather than trying to make everything perfect.

I was a bit younger than you when I had my two (35 and 37). I remember the early months with our first and thinking "Oh my God, what have we done!?". And my husband was around to support (of course, we spent a lot of time taking our frustration and exhaustion out on each other). My experience absolutely was that things got easier as our children grew - particularly once they are able to be a little independent. Some mothers love the snuggly baby phase and the toddler years more than anything else but, frankly, a great many of us find those particularly difficult. Yes, there are still challenges but I found them easier overall - apart from anything, once your little one starts to sleep more and you start getting more sleep that starts to help. You are really at the most daily grind/coalface/caucus-race phase of it. I remember being so relieved when bath time came round each evening because it was the only part of the day where I felt I knew what I was doing. And overall, we've really enjoyed the teenage years. Sure, there have been some challenges but there has been a great deal of joy and satisfaction also.

Have you read Vicki Iovine's book about the first year of motherhood? It was first published in the late 1990s, I think, and has come out under various names since then. Here's a link: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Friends-Guide-Surviving-First-Motherhood/dp/0747536481 She has a section on PND which I found incredibly helpful at the time and which I have recommended to many others.

Ok, your life isn't how you want it to be. What next then?

What would you do if your life turned upside down for a different reason? If you had a car crash and were stuck in a wheelchair, making it almost impossible to live a carefree city life.

Would you still feel like life isn't worth living? Or would you try to make the best of things, finding joy in the small moments - a quiet cup of coffee, an hour-long video call with a friend.

In your shoes with postpartum regret, I'd guess thoughts like "I shouldn't be feeling this way" would be getting in the way of actually making helpful changes. With a car crash you and everyone else would find it completely natural that you're miserable, but with a baby any unhappiness comes with guilt (both internal and external).

Easier said than done, but forget about what you should be feeling and focus on what you are feeling. You're unhappy. What small things can you add in to your day to make it a bit less shit?

Would asking your mum for a set hour of childcare every day help? (Instead of ad hoc where you can't emotionally rely on it). Would planning a holiday to Paris lift your spirits?

Or even could it be helpful to focus on the emotional reward of 'doing your duty'. Just like if a family member needs care, we don't enjoy it but can pat ourselves on the back for being a good person and helping. Or treat it like a job you dislike but need to do anyway so that you can pay the bills and put food on the table. The current reality is that you don't enjoy being a mum. Instead of blaming yourself for feeling that way, be proud of yourself that you're doing it anyway.

Then I also want to add that I personally feel better if I feel like I'm taking control of a situation. When I went through a phase of feeling depressed, I felt a lot better once I started making changes to my lifestyle. I took huge amounts of supplements, got fresh air every day, did gratitude meditations etc.

Maybe those things helped in and of themselves (I believe for example vitamin D, folate, B12, niacin and vitamin C have all been linked to mood) or maybe they helped just by giving me a sense of purpose and control.

A baby is a demanding, micro-managing boss but if you take back control of even just a small part of your life you might be surprised by how much it helps.

I wasn't going to share this because it is very personal and tough but as @Alycie brought up the question very sensitively, I will. I had a meeting a few weeks ago with an adoption worker, facilitated by social services. It was for information gathering purposes. The worker was a nice lady. It's not as simple as there being some loving, warm, stable family waiting to have a baby complete their lives. My son would have to be presented in front of a "panel". Moreover, because of my mental health problems, they (the adoption department) would have to seek legal advice as to whether my consent to voluntarily have my son adopted is valid, and I should seek legal counsel, too. Those proceedings could take some time. All the while, I would not be able to look after my son until a suitable family is found to make any break as seamless and stress- free as possible- he would be, as I understood it, in care.
The worker told me that "some" older teenage and adult adoptees they do follow-up work with are doing OK. When I asked about the ones who aren't doing OK, what does that look like, she came out with the usual, "Each case is different" line, but mentioned substance abuse and difficulty in holding down a job as examples of problems.
I came out of the meeting which took place in a branch of social services at the same time as a young woman who initially struck me because was very attractive. As I looked more closely, I realised she was clearly on something, and I forced myself to stop staring as she started kicking and punching the air in front of her, her face gurning and growling and swearing. All I could think of, that's what I'm setting my son up for, if I have him adopted.
I felt so low.

I am so sorry it's still being so horrible.
I don't want to solutionise at you but it just struck me has anyone mentioned perimenopause might be a factor too? With breastfeeding hormones and potential peri it could be a horrible combination that really doesn't agree with you.
I know some people says it doesnt get easier but as others have said, while there are other challenges with older children - the hormonal stuff of breastfeeding, the physicality of early motherhood, the feeling trapped side - that definitely does change

God I hope the creche stuff works out for you. The process sounds so incredibly French! But I think having proper whole day time away from your baby- not just an hour or two, being at work, and being in a thriving metropolis could help so, so, much. I just hope the practicalities can work as this could really open up your horizons again.

In the meantime one foot in front of another, keep breathing, keep moving forward. I know it feels horrible but you are doing so well when it is incredibly tough.

I think the hard times are universal but it's the unparalleled joy that makes it all worthwhile. If that sense of joy is absent, no wonder it feels so relentless. I think that is the sense I have from reading your posts. There's little point focusing on how subjectively hard or easy it is at various stages because ALL of it is brutal if you don't have that deep love and joy.

It genuinely just takes some people longer. I almost promise you that when your little one is a toddler or older, when they're talking and have a little personality, or even when there getting a bit older and start to have their own thoughts and opinions on the world - you will find that joy. And then you won't want a life without them. Yes, there's a chance that you might feel this way forever but I think it's very unlikely. I think you need to hang in there, do what you need to do to survive, and see this as a very long term project, the purpose of which all feels a bit unclear right now but you just have to trust that you're heading in the right direction and will get there eventually.

i think sometimes people think of adoption as being like adoption in American movies. One day you make a decision and the next day a loving family is waiting with open arms. I’m sorry that the meeting did not offer you a clear path forward in one direction. You were very brave and showed vulnerability in exploring it.

I’m really sorry that was your experience with adoption. I have friends that adopted a beautiful three year old boy from India. He had some quirks from being in care, but there were no serious issues, and two years later he’s really thriving. I’m sorry to hear that doesn’t seem to be the case in general. I wonder though if the kid’s struggles usually come from the situation that they were in before they were put for adoption.

I imagine many were either removed from their parents or otherwise neglected, unless they were put for adoption when they were tiny (and even then there can be inherited substance abuse). Which wouldn’t relate to your situation at all.

But yeah, hearing that you have to place him in care first is a downer.

I feel for you O.P. I really do. But I think as it's been nearly a year, you should put your little boy up for adoption. I think that is best for him. I wish you luck and love moving forward. Xxxx

@BrendaSouleyman - i know you have visited the GP on many occasions for anti-depressant support but has your GP seriously considered a hormonal/peri-menopause angle as posters have started to flag above. If not, and if you can bear to do so, i really think that would be worth exploring before taking such a drastic step as giving your son up for adoption. @Thatsalineallright’s suggestions also seem very wise and sensible to me in particular that you’re not just feeling bad but you’re also beating yourself up for feeling bad which cannot possibly be helping.

Dear Brenda, the woman you saw who was punching at the air (and this is just speculating of course) may have been exposed to lots of drugs or alcohol in the womb, which your baby hasn't. The three adults who are adopted that I know are all well adjusted and doing very well for themselves. I know separation can sometimes be an issue.

I wonder, if your baby went in to care, could that be a chance to see how you feel without him there and then take him back if you choose? Sorry, I don't know how this works in the UK.

I can only speak for myself but I did find parenting less stressful and consuming when my child passed the toddler stage and I didn't have to worry about safety or mess so much, that constant feeling if being "on guard." My son can be doing his thing and I can be doing mine at times, even though we're both together.

This is sage advice.
@BrendaSouleyman apologies if you have answered this already , but have you considered asking for a referral to a mother and baby unit in England? I know there are none on the island of Ireland. Would the HV or your psychiatrist be able to explore if a referral could be made to a unit in GB?

@TheBoolahBus A mother and baby unit is a very reasonable suggestion. My thought has always been "What does it change, long term?" But more relevant than anything else- you can't get referra frok herel to be admitted to such a unit in England. It's a disgrace, I know. And to be very honest, my experience is that some (not all) perinatal mental health practitioners don't know thier arse from their elbow. They think everything is post-partum depression and for those unfortunate enough to not see an improvement with medication, youre snookered. Everything else has already been so horrible that I haven't even told you all about the mental health nurse from the perinatal team who asked me if the reason I was so adamant to breastfeed my son was because I couldn't give him a father.

On the hormonal/perimenopause issue: my psychiatrist told me in late July that it was still too soon, post-partum, for get a reliable baseline for hormones to be taken/measured or whatever, all the more so as I hadn't had my period yet since giving birth (I've since had two periods, it came back in August). When I asked when I could get them done, she replied might have to wait until a year or more, post-partum. The GP gave a slightly different response - he said the results would be slightly more difficult to interpret, but could still be useful. So I had bloods taken for the hormones in late July (to measure progesterone, iron,TSH, etc). Everything came back normal.
I have no medical training but am slightly inclined to agree with the psychiatrist, all the more so as I'm still breastfeeding. All the more reason to stop breastfeeding, although it is hard to envision what sleep at night would look like without having breastfeeding as a tactic.

That was what I suspected as In a previous life I worked in a service that referred patients across NHS trusts and different CCGs.
I just put the enquiry into chatGPT (with usual disclaimer re accuracy) and it is suggesting that as a patient you are advised to make contact with the admissions offices of the MBUs and clarify how you could be referred and what agreements you would need from your trust. So not a blanket ‘no’.

It also has another pathway if you are a psychiatrist making a referral to a MBU in GB, again with advice around clarifying who would hold funding responsibility.

Given you are at the point of considering relinquishing your son for adoption I would try and explore if this is a route if you can in the first instance. I would actually contact your MLA/MP to lobby for you here given the lack of this key service in NI.

OP, I'm not sure that measuring hormones is an exact science - and they also fluctuate day-to-day. If you're 44-45, it's plausible that things are beginning to change.

Like an earlier poster, I began having much darker moods during PMS from my early 40s. The tests came back normal, but my GP is a specialist in menopause and women's health and was very happy to prescribe HRT and ADs. Neither of those are cures by any means, but I don't have quite the extremes of despair that I used to have.

OP - I was going to suggest another benefit of moving to France would be school being free and compulsory from the age of 3 but have just realised that your boy is January born so this won’t be as attractive a proposition for you (the school year there is based on calendar year births so the January borns are the oldest in the cohort and December borns are the youngest).

A European friend of mine here in the UK was in your position and actually moved to France to benefit from this as her son was December born so he started school the September following his second birthday. She moved down south so benefitted from breakfast and after school spots right away. That coupled with centre aéré during vacances scolaire (and Wednesdays) meant her time spent with her son went down significantly and it massively helped her mental health. She is in a village so there are sometimes even weekend activities for kids. She tells me that she gets a babysitter for 4hours each Saturday and Sunday and that helps her not being overwhelmed on the weekends. Apparently you get some tax benefit for hiring help (babysitters, cleaners etc.).

The point of telling you this is to say that women before you and women after you have gone and will go through this regret. Please don’t feel that you are alone or there is something wrong with you. Trust me you will feel so much better once you reach some steady state solution of your situation.

Hi OP, I have been following your thread and I feel such sympathy for you. You articulate your feelings so beautifully and it’s clear you are so conflicted on how you feel and what you should do.

One of my friends was very similar to you, she had always wanted a baby since she was young, she had this dream of what motherhood would be like. She did get pregnant when she was about 32 by her partner (unplanned) and he left her. She found parenting incredibly difficult. She has got her mum and her sisters around but they aren’t a close family and they dont help her.

Her child is 11 now and she has bought him up completely on her own, the dad has never even met him. Over the years she has realised that the image of motherhood she had created in her mind was nothing like the reality. I don’t think she enjoys parenting him. She does it out of duty, not out of love. She has been on antidepressants since he was born and sometimes I wonder if she even likes him. I do question whether things would have been different if her partner had stayed with her and she’d had that support rather than carry the weight of raising him alone, but how can anyone know?

She will say she loves him because he’s her son, but there is a lot of apathy towards him. There certainly
isn’t a loving bond and it does make me sad.

In the past she has said she had considered giving him up for adoption when he was younger but she couldn’t bring herself to do it out of guilt (i.e not knowing who he would end up with and the impact it would have on his life).

I feel like I’m rambling now.

But anyhow, I just wanted to say that you certainly
wont be the only woman out there feeling like this and I’m sorry you are going through it. Nobody knows how difficult being a parent is until the baby arrives and for some people it does get better when they initially struggle, but for others it doesn’t.

I really hope you find an answer that brings you some
kind of peace or happiness x

OP I am so sorry for your situation..I just wanted to come back on this specific point. Although your experience has been unusuallu terrible, the concern about stopping bf is incredibly commonplace. There is so much advice to start and nobody tells you how to bloody stop! But you will likely want to stop or reduce at some point and the fringe benefits that come with night weaning may help turn things around for you - ie improved sleep,.more bodily autonomy, easier to leave baby, nicer relationship where you get cuddles rather than milked.

Your son doesn't need milk in the night at this stage so this would be the time to bite the bullet although you may endure a few difficult nights.
I was also dreading it with my dummy refuser but offered a baby bottle of water every time he woke and rocking and wasn't as bad as expected.

Excuse me if I've missed this but I am wondering if you can try to get part of your life back by going back to work or into some employment and the baby can go into childcare. I appreciate its not cheap but it means you could have a chance at functioning as an adult that's not dependent on you constantly. Going back to work can be a relief for some parents. Of course this is more challenging when you are sleep deprived. I have a baby and I hate the constant guilt of how we should be feeling. Every experience is different ❤️