Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

I agree, focus this week on arranging some decent childcare and applying for jobs so you can return to work. 24hr care of a baby is hard! Maybe going back part time and having baby in childcare will lift some of that feeling of just existing to look after another person and will give you some time back to focus on you and your happiness.

@BrendaSouleyman none of us can predict what parenting will be like. For those of us where it has worked out we have been lucky. It is not easy and the measure of success with parenting is often quite grey.
Acknowledging at an early stage that parenting is more difficult than one thought and recognising your own limitations is what we as adults and responsible human beings should be doing.
We need to recognise that some children are left vulnerable because the responsible adult has not recognised their own limitations and has struggled on regardless without taking those difficult decisions which may well be to give up their child in their best interest or seek help.
When I read your story, I think many parents could resonate with what you are saying, but would not have the courage like you to express it rather they would keep it to themselves. I commend you for the courage you have to put this into words and allow people here to comment on what you are saying/feeling.
I can see that you are taking this extremely seriously and you will always put your son and his well-being first before your own.
Whatever decision you make, I believe you will always make it in the best interest of your son and that is the right course of action to take.
i am thinking of you.
Be kind to yourself.

I just wanted to say, as I don’t feel it’s been said (or said enough) in this thread - it really does get easier so many ways… soon you’ll have a toddler who can communicate with you more about their needs. That really helps!

It definitely gets more interesting too. Babies don’t do much, but as children grow you get to learn their character and interests more. (Sorry if I’m stating the obvious there!)

As they get older, you really do get more time to yourself too. So don’t see this as an 18-year stretch - it’s much less (in terms of all your time being filled by them).

Well done for all the breastfeeding.
x

@Orangemintcream I think I'm considered one of those arseholes although I actually do want everything to work out for the OP. I think that the OP can get through this stage and accept being a parent.

My motivation is concern for the child though, nothing to do with being a mother myself. I don't think that open adoption would be the best idea for him in these particular circumstances, for example.

Going back to your home town is very difficult. Doing it with a baby.... even harder.

It's great that you are thinking of returning to Paris where I'm sure they have amazing childcare.

It may be that you aren't cut out for 24/7 parenting which is understandable but you have options and they will become clearer.

Early motherhood is incredibly challenging for some women for good reason. But as others have said, being back at work will be good for your mental health. I think the fact that you are doing driving lessons is a sign that you are moving forward. I think that's amazing actually, it's one step, one move forward. Build on it and you will get yourself out of this current situation and towards something more suited to you.

That's not fair though, because it's false reassurance. For many of us it gets harder in toddlerhood, not easier. Not everyone's experience is the same.

I think it's fair to say that some people find toddlers easier, or that it changes, but absolute assurances aren't fair. Think how many assurances the OP has had already that it would be 'better' by now.

OP, I don't mean that in a doom and gloom way - maybe you will find it easier. Clearly many do. But equally the change may need to come from your lifestyle rather than you merely waiting for your child to get older.

Getting mum friends will help a lot as will using a nursery. Going back to work may make you feel more like yourself. Focus on yourself rather than baby, with baby along for the ride. It might be that if you throw yourself back into work, that you'll have less opportunity to worry about parenthood, and gradually it'll become easier to bear.

What’s the difference between open adoption and just adoption? Before this thread I’d never heard of open adoption.

Op said just wanted to add my little bit and say that I understand how you’re feeling. I was diagnosed with pnd when my first baby was born 17 years ago and it wasn’t the “usual” stuff you hear about. I could get out of bed, I washed and dressed and left the house but I absolutely wanted someone to come and knock on my door to tell me there had been a mistake and that the tiny little baby needed to go and live somewhere else. I honestly believe that if that had happened I would have handed him over and not shed a tear. I didn’t hate him I just felt indifferent to him, I just thought I’d made a massive mistake and I wanted to go back nine months and use some contraception. He actually stayed at my sisters a lot in his first few months and it was the only time I could relax and breathe and I did not miss him at all, in fact I used to cry when I had to go and pick him up. I had terrible anxiety around his sleep and couldn’t sleep when he did because I was waiting for him to wake up, sleep was all I could think about it became my obsession. I had a husband but he didn’t understand at all. Anyway the GP prescribed me Citalopram when he was as around 14 weeks old and everything changed, I was more relaxed, not so obsessive and as my ds started to respond to me more and show more of his personality everything just fell into place.

5 years later I had my second baby, the first week was good and I remember thinking thank god it’s not like last time and then bang out of the blue it came again. That was an awful time and some of the thoughts I had I’d never write down or tell anyone. I tried Sertraline and it made me feel awful so I went back on to Citalopram and from about 12-14 weeks I was much better. Kids are 12 and 17 now and yes they drive me crazy but I love them more than anything and I’ve had to have therapy to get over how I felt during those first few weeks.

I can’t say if you will feel better and it will all fall into place but I can let you know know that it is possible and pnd isn’t always the same for everyone. ❤️

My mum's neighbour, a father of three - the youngest of whom is about 18- overhead my baby making little grunting noises in my arms yesterday. Over the garden fence, he said "It's been a long time since I've heard those kinds of sounds!" He looked more closely at the baby and said "Teething, eh? Even with all that, I'd take that stage any day over where I'm at with my three."
When I asked why, he said "At that baby stage, you know where they are. Now my children are all driving, the youngest is just about to take his test and they pass me in the hall on their way out and I don't know where they're going or what they're going to be doing."
It's a long time til my six and a half month old will be 18 and I'm sure every parent worries about their child but in that second, all I could think of the neighbour, John, was "We are so different."

@Opentoconvo Best to do a quick search for the details.

Thank you @frecklejuice for sharing. I am with you one hundred per cent on the sleep - I was prescribed the sleeping tablet Zopiclone because it was compatible with breastfeeding. I took it for half as long as the absolute maximum time frame and when the psychiatrist told me she could renew it once, I filled the prescription in Boots, put it on a shelf and didn't touch it. I knew it was there but knew I would have to find a way to sleep without medication. I'm quite proud of myself for that.

On the other hand, as I've mentioned upthread, multiple anti-depressants and mood stabilising medications have not worked for me over the years. My psychiatrist in Paris agrees that possible neurodivergence could be a factor as to why "those medications haven't worked as well as they might."
I'm currently taking Mirtazapine, simply because it's one of the very few I had not taken before. I got to a point, shortly after I started this thread, where I was open to trying absolutely anything. The Mirtazapine gives me a dead throbbing sensation in my hands and feet that sometimes wakes me up at night even when the baby is sleeping. The perinatal social worker saw me on Monday and I flagged those side effects to her

• she thinks it might have taken the edge off my anxiety and I'm not looking for reassurance, or certainty, as much as I was before. She may be right but I think it is because i know now my distress isnt related to the newborn stage, and have come to the resignation that I made a massive mistake and there's no getting away from it.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way Brenda. I justed wanted to say that adoption is a viable option if you think it would be the best for you and your son.

My child is six and I do find it easier now. I like his company and find it less stressful as I don't have to worry about safety etc, as much.

My mil says 1.5-2.5ish years were the hardest for her.

@BrendaSouleyman my heart breaks for you. This must be so tough. I’m struck by your desire to turn back the clock to get back to the ‘before’ you. Thing is, in the kindest way, you can’t. You’ve been completely re-wired by this experience. So you might go back to your old life, but you are not the old you. You’ve had a massive life event and it has changed you.
I felt like you for so long after my first child was born. I wanted aliens to abduct me so that I didn’t have to face the responsibility, fear, exhaustion and drudgery of bringing up a child. It took me such a long time to get my head around being a mother.
One of the things I have realised that for me is true is that it isn’t fun being a parent. I don’t know why people say it is. And I’ve been doing it for nearly 20 years now. You’re a servant, a mentor, a PA. It just feels like you give and give and give.Where’s the fun in that? Once I stopped waiting for it to be fun in return and just accepted that it just is what it is, I made progress in accepting becoming a mother. The main thing for me is that I know that I am precious to them. It’s a vain thing I know, but to know that I matter to them keeps me going. That’s what I get back from it.

I think that it does get easier. I found the baby stage so hard, the constant being with them etc. And the lack of sleep. However now they’re older and in school, it is much much easier. There are still challenges, but it is a lot less intense.

Also, in the mornings now, they just get up and go downstairs on a Saturday morning and don’t even come to say hi!

Also, you can leave the house so easily. Go on holidays more easily, have hobbies more easily. It’s all just easier. Also, they make me laugh loads now. Just joking around with me and being silly.

I know this isn’t everyone’s experience, but I want to give you some hope as well.

Yes, of course toddlerhood can be more difficult, eg in that they are more mobile. And (as many others have said) teenagers can be very difficult! But that is why I said in my post that things get easier “in many ways”. I meant more generally, eg that they can communicate their needs, and how you get more of your own life back, as I explained.

I agree with you that not everyone’s experience is the same, and that people shouldn’t give false reassurance. But on the other hand, most people do find they ease into the motherhood role more as time goes by, so I felt it was important to be positive in that way for the OP. It can be so hard and demoralising when you’re struggling with a baby and people start saying knowing things like “ooh wait until they’re a toddler / teen”.

This very much resonated with me. I really don’t want to belittle how the OP feels, or suggest my situation is always the outcome, but I wanted to share my experience.

I longed for a baby, most probably as a way of avoiding the pain of an abusive marriage

had DS1 and hated every second of it. I forced myself through the motions, he never slept, I missed my old life. I begged midwives and health visitors to take him from me. I had no feeling of not wanting to be away from him, I found every chance to be. I felt like I had made a huge mistake, questioned what was wrong with me for not feeling this overwhelming love and inability to be away from him

As it turned out once he was 18 months I absolutely got it, and loved him with a passion and intensity I didn’t know existed. There was nothing I would have rather done than spend time exploring life with him, I began to hate being away from him. He is ASD and his school years were hell, but i advocated and fought for him. The outcome has been so positive and I am so proud of the man he is.

But I will never forget the darkness, loneliness, fear and regret I felt in those early days; it is horrendous.

i went on to have 2 more boys, and I put interventions in place to mitigate the potential for a repeat experience. The fact I had my little DS1 by my side actually made it a lot easier. I love his company, he is bright and funny and clever.

try to take each day as it comes, I know now I don’t enjoy babies. I am really independent, like structure and plans. Toddlers changed everything for me .

be kind to yourself and take the pressure off, parenthood is not one size fits all, you are allowed to be honest

I completely understand why you’re considering adoption as it sounds like you’re really suffering.
Post partum depression can last over a year though and I do wonder if it is PPD that you’re struggling with, when you come out of it, will you massively regret going down the adoption route?

You’ve mentioned having support from the perinatal team but do you have a therapist to speak to?

This is an interesting article from the BBC.
I imagine you'll be able to relate.
You are definitely not alone in how you feel.
Nobody knows how they will react to motherhood until you are in it.

BBC News - 'A trap you can't escape': The women who regret being mothers - BBC News
www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvgkvge4rkmo

I saw that article ages ago @Theworldsgonemad i can fully relate but of course it doesn't help how I'm feeling. In fact it reinforces it. I actually contacted the Irish counsellor mentioned in that article when I came across it (Margaret O'Connor) but she does not have availability for a new client and has a lengthy waiting list. I have had online counselling sessions with another two therapists. They went fine but didn't help me in trying to steer a path forward.

OP, some of what you have been saying is familiar to me - I'm ASD and I wondered if this is something that's been raised at all.

For me, one feature is a tendency to feel that if I don't meet particular standards/follow the rules I have set myself, I'm a complete failure.

I compensate in other ways though - there are things I'm good at that neurotypical people struggle with.

At any rate, I'm the best mother my child has. And I'm getting better, even if not as quickly as I'd like, and not reaching the standards I think I should.

@BrendaSouleyman I feel for you. It comes across to me clearly that you want the best for your child, as you would any child, in an objective sense. It's just that you don't automatically innately feel the best place is with you, in the way that generally mothers do, and are certainly expected to from our society's point of view.

I understand what you mean about the free time never being enough. I love my two young children very much and I chose this life, but I still feel a sometimes overwhelming panic about the constant unrelenting responsibility for their lives, futures, behaviour at all times. I adore the free time I get.

I understand going back to Paris isn't a quick possibility. I personally feel a lot more loving and tolerant towards my children when I've had time away from them, including at work. Could you take up regular part time work where you are- even if not your usual field, just something else to do? And send baby to nursery or childminder? When I returned to work at 10 and 9 months each time, it helped a lot with my mood. It was so nice to have a break from the monotony of feeds/naps/nappies/meals/buggy/ blah blah blah.

Honestly it sounds more like being stuck somewhere unable to drive and not being in a buzzing urban environment are far bigger factors. I'd also feel terrible in those situations, even now with teen children who just need a bit of food and water, and come out to grunt, while I have a life of my own.
I'd really urge you to try to take a short break with your baby somewhere urban and try cafés/museums/walks/living your own life with a baby in tow, to see how that feels. Sending much sympathy and I hope things feel better soon.

I wanted to react to some recent very thoughtful posts
@taylorfan a psychoanalyst thought I may well be neurodivergent and when I reached out to my psychiatrist in Paris to ask for her thoughts (because she has known me since 2016), she said she recognised some of those tendencies in me. I can be black and white in my thinking. That said, I don't want to flatter myself that I have very high standards; currently, I don't. For example: I was going to go with my baby and mother on a long walk to my sister's house to feed her cat because she is on holiday and my mum suggested I walk alone because if the baby starts crying, "it would bother her [my mother] more than it would bother me." Sadly that might be true. It does bother me when he cries, of course, but I am not the besotted earth mother I thought I would be.

@Helppleasestuck Your user name sums up exactly how I feel! I do miss my urban setting so much but I don't think it will resolve how I'm feeling. I won't be able to participate in that life like I used to -obviously I was aware of that beofre becoming pregnant, but I honestly can't even remember why I longed to be a mother for so long.

@HiCandles Thank you and you are absolutely right that I want the best for him.

.

Have you come across Laura Guckian - she’s an amazing Maternal Mental Health advocate from Ireland who was diagnosed as neurodivergent after having children. Have a look on her Instagram for her full story but it’s honestly inspiring where she’s come from, struggling massively after her first baby to now balancing 3 children with a career advocating for mothers to get the support they need. She offers 1:1 coaching and a complimentary introduction call. I’ve been reading your thread since the beginning - you sound lovely and you’re doing better than you realise - you clearly care which is by far the most important thing! From my experience there is nothing more difficult than the shock of the first baby on your lifestyle. Yes there are difficult phases but for me the overall trajectory got easier and now with a 5 and 2 year old I can get out and about far more, they’re their own interesting personalities that can tell me how they’re feeling, what they’re interested in, we enjoy museums, meals out etc. ❤️

Not to underrate your struggles, but just focusing on the city living aspect - I had kids living in a country similar to France and I was able to go to cafés, restaurants etc with my baby no problem so long as it was daytime/early evening.

There's so many places with outdoor seating, which I found works v well. So you could absolutely meet up with a friend for coffee, go to a museum and then have a drink sitting outside on a terrace somewhere all with your baby in tow.

I really would urge you to book a short holiday to Paris just to see what is possible.