Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

As has been said, this will be such a small period of your life, you will absolutely get your freedom back and dare I say it, will look back in years to come and regret not enjoying the time when he was so little (which of course is totally understandable!)

Your mum's comment doesn't sound super.... helpful? In fact it sounds a little bit judgemental. The extent to which you are affected by your baby crying is not a benchmark of how good a mother you are. Babies cry, they cry to differing extent, some of them cry a lot, some of them cry even if you are doing your absolute best to figure out why they are crying and get them to stop. I remember this annoying woman in one of my mother/baby groups who said she just read her son's cues and lay him down and he slept, so he never cried more than a grumble. Meanwhile my own firstborn would be shrieking and wailing in indignation if I didn't hold her upright and keep moving... i know she didn't mean to be judgemental and genuinely thought she'd hit on this novel idea of "reading the baby's cues" but it just happened to work for her and her child, and it didn't for me. And if you have a baby that cries a lot you almost have to desensitise yourself to it otherwise it feels grating and like sensory overload.

So I just wondered if your mum made comments like that a lot. Because that's the kind of thing that could potentially get you questioning your instincts and really, it's often about muddling through and survival and you can't be on edge responding to every grumble sometimes...
What is your relationship like with her more generally?
My username was/is(?) to do with my job situation recently, but I had a difficult first baby and probably PND after the second looking back (now 12 and 15 year olds), and I just really feel for you from your posts. Like you I really value freedom and my own space, and having a baby did really affect that in some ways though I did find ways of enjoying my mat leave- mostly by being obstinate about going out a lot, living somewhere with excellent public transport, and basically making my babies fit round me and what I wanted to do quite a lot... possibly the PND with the second was related to moving somewhere more suburban tbh and it being a shock.

An environment that works for you and a decent support system can't be underestimated.

And if you can afford it, please try a short break in Paris, with your baby in tow too, to see how it could work. Get a good supportive sling if you want to use the metro so you're not limited by a pram. Pack light (nappies, some wipes, drink bottle and snack for you) and walk and explore things that you love, talk to your baby about it even if you feel silly. You really matter and it is fine to want freedom to explore and live an exciting life. I think you can do it with your baby there too though.

Oh OP ❤

I didn't intend the takeaway to be 'I presume you have extraordinary standards' - but to say that for ND people, some things are genuinely difficult. And yet we can still manage, survive, even thrive, all of that stuff.

I don't want to say 'PRACTICE GRATITUDE!'. But if it helps at all (!) it's probably a good day/week to be in Strabane - apparently Paris is unbearably hot right now, still 30 degrees. So that's one small thing to congratulate yourself on today.

Taking a longer view - you've done a good thing spending time with your mother and having her support during these first few months. Even if you feel like it's been hard, she will treasure it.

Then - the time will come to move on - most likely Paris, maybe another city.

Everything ends, everything changes.

Learning to drive is really important and a great thing you're doing, one of the things I'm proudest of, because I learned late too (and am now a good driver!). It's an achievement, having those lessons under your belt. You won't be a complete beginner again. Well done.

If you have access to a bicycle I'd happily post you my child bike seat :-) Apparently they can sit in them from 9 months. Even if you don't take to main roads, sticking to back roads/parks, it feels so liberating and the toddlers love it...

Although it may be not be a helpful comment - put yourself in the mums shoes. Her daughter has come to live with her with a baby and the bonding has obviously been a struggle. Imagine going from living on your own at an elderly age to being caught in the middle of what sounds like a very difficult time for her daughter whilst also helping to look after a baby… sleepless nights ect. This cannot be easy. I don’t think it’s fair place any blame on her mum.

Sorry you are right and I had forgotten about the full context about moving home and mother being older etc. It is the kind of comment I would have been super sensitive to as a new mother, which is why I picked up on it, but you are right that it isn't fair to blame the mum either.
I suppose what I meant was more don't beat yourself up about how you respond to your baby or think you are doing it "wrong", people often have lots of opinions about that, and it may be well intentioned, but don't take any of it to heart or worry about it.
I had a colicky firstborn and the first few months were hell. I got a lot of well meaning advice that just made me feel worse. Things got a lot easier naturally from weaning/starting solids sort of time.

Totally agree with not beating yourself up - I think it’s safe to say none of us who had babies did everything the ‘right’ way!!

B

Thinking about you. I hope that your world is happier than before. I feel for your circumstances.