Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

As has been said, this will be such a small period of your life, you will absolutely get your freedom back and dare I say it, will look back in years to come and regret not enjoying the time when he was so little (which of course is totally understandable!)

Your mum's comment doesn't sound super.... helpful? In fact it sounds a little bit judgemental. The extent to which you are affected by your baby crying is not a benchmark of how good a mother you are. Babies cry, they cry to differing extent, some of them cry a lot, some of them cry even if you are doing your absolute best to figure out why they are crying and get them to stop. I remember this annoying woman in one of my mother/baby groups who said she just read her son's cues and lay him down and he slept, so he never cried more than a grumble. Meanwhile my own firstborn would be shrieking and wailing in indignation if I didn't hold her upright and keep moving... i know she didn't mean to be judgemental and genuinely thought she'd hit on this novel idea of "reading the baby's cues" but it just happened to work for her and her child, and it didn't for me. And if you have a baby that cries a lot you almost have to desensitise yourself to it otherwise it feels grating and like sensory overload.

So I just wondered if your mum made comments like that a lot. Because that's the kind of thing that could potentially get you questioning your instincts and really, it's often about muddling through and survival and you can't be on edge responding to every grumble sometimes...
What is your relationship like with her more generally?
My username was/is(?) to do with my job situation recently, but I had a difficult first baby and probably PND after the second looking back (now 12 and 15 year olds), and I just really feel for you from your posts. Like you I really value freedom and my own space, and having a baby did really affect that in some ways though I did find ways of enjoying my mat leave- mostly by being obstinate about going out a lot, living somewhere with excellent public transport, and basically making my babies fit round me and what I wanted to do quite a lot... possibly the PND with the second was related to moving somewhere more suburban tbh and it being a shock.

An environment that works for you and a decent support system can't be underestimated.

And if you can afford it, please try a short break in Paris, with your baby in tow too, to see how it could work. Get a good supportive sling if you want to use the metro so you're not limited by a pram. Pack light (nappies, some wipes, drink bottle and snack for you) and walk and explore things that you love, talk to your baby about it even if you feel silly. You really matter and it is fine to want freedom to explore and live an exciting life. I think you can do it with your baby there too though.

Oh OP ❤

I didn't intend the takeaway to be 'I presume you have extraordinary standards' - but to say that for ND people, some things are genuinely difficult. And yet we can still manage, survive, even thrive, all of that stuff.

I don't want to say 'PRACTICE GRATITUDE!'. But if it helps at all (!) it's probably a good day/week to be in Strabane - apparently Paris is unbearably hot right now, still 30 degrees. So that's one small thing to congratulate yourself on today.

Taking a longer view - you've done a good thing spending time with your mother and having her support during these first few months. Even if you feel like it's been hard, she will treasure it.

Then - the time will come to move on - most likely Paris, maybe another city.

Everything ends, everything changes.

Learning to drive is really important and a great thing you're doing, one of the things I'm proudest of, because I learned late too (and am now a good driver!). It's an achievement, having those lessons under your belt. You won't be a complete beginner again. Well done.

If you have access to a bicycle I'd happily post you my child bike seat :-) Apparently they can sit in them from 9 months. Even if you don't take to main roads, sticking to back roads/parks, it feels so liberating and the toddlers love it...

Although it may be not be a helpful comment - put yourself in the mums shoes. Her daughter has come to live with her with a baby and the bonding has obviously been a struggle. Imagine going from living on your own at an elderly age to being caught in the middle of what sounds like a very difficult time for her daughter whilst also helping to look after a baby… sleepless nights ect. This cannot be easy. I don’t think it’s fair place any blame on her mum.

Sorry you are right and I had forgotten about the full context about moving home and mother being older etc. It is the kind of comment I would have been super sensitive to as a new mother, which is why I picked up on it, but you are right that it isn't fair to blame the mum either.
I suppose what I meant was more don't beat yourself up about how you respond to your baby or think you are doing it "wrong", people often have lots of opinions about that, and it may be well intentioned, but don't take any of it to heart or worry about it.
I had a colicky firstborn and the first few months were hell. I got a lot of well meaning advice that just made me feel worse. Things got a lot easier naturally from weaning/starting solids sort of time.

Totally agree with not beating yourself up - I think it’s safe to say none of us who had babies did everything the ‘right’ way!!

B

Thinking about you. I hope that your world is happier than before. I feel for your circumstances.

How are you now OP?

Thank you for asking @Fuwanda I am not feeling better and I think it will be a long time before I do. I'm sorry if I am repeating myself but the way I am feeling will take, I believe, a long long time to fade, if it does fade. I have made a mistake but it has lifelong implications and there was no way i could have known Id feel this way until it was too late. Of course, of course, I love my baby but every day feels like a nightmare.

I will leave it at that for now.

Please think about going to your GP and chat with them.

Wishing you the best. It will get more fun though I promise. The baby stage is not for everyone!

Hi @BrendaSouleyman. I have only just found your thread and have read it all. I was you 22 years ago. My longed for baby boy arrived and I wondered what the hell I had done. Whilst his dad was on the scene the baby just grew the wedge between us and he started leaving the house at 6 and returning at 9. He couldn't help at night as he would be too tired. Other than his money I was alone with the baby. We split not long after.

Anyway, I was completely emotionless about the baby and couldn't see my life in the future. I loved to travel, read for hours, visit castles, cathedrals and go to the theatre. I saw no end to a baby that screamed every hour for 40 minutes. It really helped when I added a bottle to his routine as he would sleep for longer. I wonder if he was hungry? I used aptimal hungry baby food. I also weaned him ridiculously early - i started on baby rice at 16 weeks as he was grabbing for food and still hungry. I know this is not recommended but it worked and his silent reflux got a lot better. By 6 months he was much better with the screaming and whilst he didn't sleep well the days were much less traumatic so I was better mentally.
The anti depressants I was on took the edge off. I was no longer suicidal, I still felt guilt and like a failure because I didn't love him like I should. When he was about 7 weeks old I left the house. I rang my mum, tucked him up in his pram and left, knowing she was five minutes away. I was gone an hour. When I came back riddled with guilt she didn't judge. She made me go to bed and sleep.
I struggled on, had a front facing sling which was a game changer as he was a curious baby that liked to watch things. That was when he was at his most content. I made a (ridiculous) decision to take him to Sicily when he was six months old as I had to get out of the UK. He was amazing in his sling and I had a wonderful time - he came with me (obviously) to see amphitheatres, volcanoes, eat pizza (which he loved), swim in the sea ... it was the best thing I could have done for my mental health. I was sat on some steps and he was muttering away and pointing at things when I had this rush of love. He was my baby and the best thing I had ever done. It wasn't magically easier after that but my mental health was better and he was calmer as he wasn't picking up on my anxiety.
He is now sat opposite me at 22 years old taking a break before he started work, he handed his masters dissertation in this week. He is reading a book and is really chilled, he had high functioning autism and it's not always been easy but he is a great young man and the thing I am proudest of. I often wonder if the neurodiversity in him is why he was like he was!
I guess I am saying to take the plunge and live your life as you want to - take him to Paris for a holiday, introduce him to what you love - DS did his degree in history and politics and states his interests came from a childhood of castles and conversation). Take him out for coffee (front facing), let him see the world like you do, add a bottle (I wouldn't say food although it worked for us), your mum can bond and feed him then giving you a break.
Most of all I got through it. I still feel guilty for not loving my much wanted baby but I have made up for it and he is a joyous adult!
Good luck on your journey.

@vickylou78 , you have not have read my posts. I'm currently under the care of a perinatal mental health team, whose psychiatrist has told me she doesn't know in which direction to take my care. I have taken multiple antidepressants and mood regulators in the past and am currently taking Mirtazapine (the dosage has already been increased). None of them has had any impact. I have spoken to a few psychologists and it's all well and good that they "validate" my feelings and assure me that baby regret is a real thing, but I haven't found one that can offer any way forward. I'm not sure what chatting with the GP would do?

@Pieceofpurplesky Your post would have given me hope a few months ago but as the months have gone on, I'm afraid I can not relate. On a practical level, my baby does not like slings. I have tried three: Ergo baby, Marzupi, and Bjorn Baby One carrier. I can't afford and can't be bothered to try any more, although they seem to be such a game changer for so many people. My mental health has got worse, not better, and as I've mentioned multiple times, the anti-depressants aren't doing anything. A friend of mine told me she thinks it is because I am not really depressed, just very much full of regret. I don't come rushing in after leaving my baby with my mum for an hour, full of guilt. I want to leave him somewhere, in safety, and walk away forever. It is awful.

It was six months before I felt any better. I still hate myself for that. There were just little things that made it slightly less hideous.
I was suicidal and didn't want to be with him. I understand. You have to do what you need to do, temporary care, back to Paris, go to somewhere else to get medical help ... People on here understand and will support you.

I mean, you're not moving back to Paris despite all the advice you got to do just that, so you won't feel any better.

Can you not give the baby to your sister?

Oh I'm sorry, I thought maybe there was something else the GP can do but it does sounds like you've been through all the options!

It's tricky as we've all said it does get easier but that won't help you right now. Guess it's just best foot forward and keep ploughing on until you feel better really isn't it. Try and get baby in childcare for as long as you can!! So you get a break.

I am sorry OP things have not got much better for you. I sympathise, neither of mine liked slings either and quite frankly I had very bad PND and baby regret too and the last thing I wanted was my baby strapped to me while I felt complete and utter despair. I can only imagine you feel the same.

What are your thoughts on your future? Do you see yourself moving back or staying where you are?

The childcare suggestion might be a good one too. I'm not saying it will solve everything but your baby is 8/9 months old now? Are there any nurseries/childminders available you could explore for a few days a week. I honestly don't think I'd have coped in motherhood without having days to myself while they are in nursery. We arent designed to raise babies alone and for many paid childcare helps to create that "village" that is talked about to support mums in raising a baby. A few days a week would help give you something to look forward to and some much needed space and time as well to focus on yourself and reclaim some of yojr life back.

I did not want to seem unappreciative of what you wrote @Pieceofpurplesky because it was rather lovely. I just can't relate. My baby is now almost eight months old. You also took the time to read the whole thread, which was a mammoth effort so thank you! Unlike @XelaM who has not read my previous posts.

The baby had a 6-9 months review on Tuesday. At least, I thought it was for the baby and while the health visitor did a couple of wee developmental checks on him, she wanted to really talk to me, as she had been made aware by a professional from another team that I was feeling increasingly down. Of course, the HV already knew I am in care of the perinatal mental health team. I totally crumbled and told her that every day is a living hell. She can do nothing, she regretfully told me, but listened to me and was very empathetic. Another day, I was getting bloods taken in the health centre because I've been having "dead", numb sensations in my hands and fingers which wakes me up at night. I was in bits there too, so much so the nurse taking the blood called the Perinatal mental health nurse to check up on me. I was going to say thats it's almost embarrasing as well as exhausting to be so unhappy all the effing time but I am beyond being embarrassed.

As for the dead sensation in the hands, they still don't know what's causing it. It really started getting bad when my dosage of Mirtazapine increased but I have since decreased it, and the numbness remains. I got an x-ray done on Wednesday so I'm hoping that might reveal something. The blood test for rheumatoid arthritis came back negative, fortunately.

I read all your posts in this thread. I don't know why you think I haven't? You're very unhappy and feeling trapped. The only solution that is likely to make you feel better is to move back to Paris with or without the baby. One facebook post saying it's difficult to find childcare for a sick baby is really no reason to stop you. I brought up a kid completely on my own with my whole family living abroad. It's possible 🤷‍♀️

@XelaM A post of mine on 3rd May explains that a tenant is subletting my apartment in Paris until the end of the year. A post of mine on 13th August refers to why my sister wouldn't take the baby (see also the comment she made, which really disheartened me, in my original post). I appreciate this thread is long, but I don't know why you asked those questions when you tell me you've already read the answers (as you've read all my posts).

But have you actually been honest with your mum and sister about how you feel? They might still take the baby. I made many flippant remarks about my kid over the years - it doesn't mean I meant them. Your sister might agree if you were honest with her, especially with your mum providing help.

@BrendaSouleyman I have read all your posts but it was a couple of weeks ago. I’m sorry you are going through this. To a much lesser extent I’m having similar feelings just now. My baby is nearly 11 months and i do love her so much, but I’m constantly tense and do feel trapped.

She does sleeo 10 hours at night but I’m constantly worried she won’t sleep, it’s so difficult getting out with pram and baby stuff and don’t drive. I’m single parent with no help apart from her father who works constantly, we do not live together, and he only has her 2pm-7pm on a Sunday. I actually have much older children who are young adults now (I’m 39 had them really young) and I felt trapped like this when they were young too, so why did I do it again I’ve no idea. When my eldest was a baby I remember using up all my savings and living on very little, to afford to pay her into nursery one day a week and that was my day of freedom. It did help a bit.

For me it is the lack of guaranteed break, that bothers me, and how much more difficult just doing simple things is. I’m holding onto hope it will get easier in time, my other kids it got much easier from around age 3 or 4.

I’m sorry, I don’t have any suggestions, but you do sound really down and I hope things improve for you soon.