Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

Maybe she doesn’t want to put people in a position where they feel they have to and they really don’t want to. Her mother is quite elderly - how is she supposed to take care of a child for 18 years into her 80s and 90s??

I agree. Her sister has 3 kids already and her mum is in her 70s. Both probably feel they are already at capacity and at a age where it wouldn't be in their best interest to be bringing up a baby for the next 20 years.

Her sister is there too and a teenager is completely different to a baby. Surely it's better than open adoption?

There is not a snowballs chance in hell that my sister, with her own three children and very demanding full-time job, would take the baby. She and my mother, while acknowledging my mental health struggles, would deem me to be irresponsible to even think of such a thing and insist I stay here, in the town I come from, and raise the baby and they would help.
It is a reasonable suggestion except that I absolutely loathe being here and more importantly, I hate being responsible for a little person, much as I love him. I can be criticised on several fronts - it is a very bold move to be a single mother at age 44 and while I didn't enter it to it completely thoughtlessly, my decision was still too influenced by desire to be a mother, and not enough by reason and rationale. My only comfort is that all the thinking and rationale in the world would not have changed my mind, and I never would have dreamed in my worst nightmare that I would end up regretting becoming a mother.
I can be criticised for not having set up better living arrangements for myself and baby - my apartment in Paris is small, and all the other tenants live on their own. But I live in a nice area, and because of having no permanent contract and no guarantors in France, it could be hard for me to move apartment.
However, I can not be criticised I don't think, for how I would react to motherhood. I have never thought of myself as mentally ill and I don't think that I present as mentally ill in every day life. People who are highly functioning in spite of mental health challenges still have the right to be parents, and I had wanted to be a mother basically forever-certainly since my late teens. I am a kind person who has always been good with children and never had success with men but I have to conclude, given that my psychiatrist doesn't know what the hell to do, that I really dont know what is wrong with me. Maybe I am simply more irresponsible and immature than most people, and certainly more than I thought i was.

Her sister is at capacity. Her sister has literally said she struggles with her own children and in her relationship. In what weird universe would she want to?

and teenagers aren fuuuuuucking hard work. Are seriously in thinking someone in their 80s can deal with a 15 year old including driving them everywhere??

If my sibling gave up their baby for adoption without speaking to me first I would be heartbroken and horrified regardless of my own circumstances.

My teenager is lovely 🤷‍♀️ not all teenagers are hard work

@BrendaSouleyman would you be happier giving your baby up for adoption? Or if you chose to give up your baby, would you spend a lifetime regretting it and hating yourself?

I bet you have a boy teenager?

No - a beautiful, hard-working, kind and thoughtful 16-year-old girl.

Your sibling wouldn’t need to consult you over a very difficult choice they need to make for themselves and their child. Your happiness is not relevant.

Ah surprising. I have one of each. The boy is definitely easier than the girl (just a more chilled personality). But both are hard working.

@BrendaSouleyman So you can move back into your Paris apartment in January?

I'd make plans to do this, as it'll give you something positive to focus on for the next three months. In January, you'll be back in a lively city that you love and that may really help your mood.

Well this situation isn't about you and your feelings as a hypothetical situation are completely irrelevant.

A person giving up a child up for adoption is an incredibly hard thing to do. They might not want the child to be adopted in the family, knowing they will have contact and see the very child they give up. They might want a clean break, to move on with their life.

Your "heartbreak" doesn't feature into their decision.

thats great - do you also have a crystal ball??

I don’t know what your agenda is here but let’s sound it out THEY 👏 DONT 👏 WANT 👏 TO 👏 PARENT 👏 OPs BABY

I co sleep with my little one on sertraline so that’s rubbish. If you minimise all other risks (alcohol smoking etc bed linen) you’ll be fine. I wake to the slightest movement / noise still.

Thank you for updating us, I am sorry it is still so hard. Please keep posting if it helps

This stuck out for me, from your post -

I can be criticised on several fronts - it is a very bold move to be a single mother at age 44 and while I didn't enter it to it completely thoughtlessly, my decision was still too influenced by desire to be a mother, and not enough by reason and rationale. My only comfort is that all the thinking and rationale in the world would not have changed my mind, and I never would have dreamed in my worst nightmare that I would end up regretting becoming a mother.

I understand why you are blaming yourself - society pushes us to think we have to be perfect mothers, and we have to want to be mothers - but I don't think you should. You couldn't possibly have known how it would be. It was quite natural to assume you'd have a lovely time with a tiny baby, and all these wonderful hormones would kick in, and you'd be floating around feeling great. And at 44, you really didn't have much option to wait around and see!

It is the risk anyone takes when they have a baby. The happiest, most secure, coupled-up person takes that risk too.

This is not a situation where you've been thoughtless because you didn't realise what raising a baby would involve. This is a situation where your mental health has crashed down around you.

Please, whatever else you do, don't blame yourself for that, or think it's to do with the decisions you made.

To add to this - I don’t think it’s not necessarily all society but also biology plays a part. I was perfectly happy and content with my life focusing on my career and travel but suddenly in my mid 30s there was this enormous desire to have a baby that I couldn’t explain- I’d never even held a baby before!! Luckily for me I have loved motherhood once out of the newborn phase but I am not surprised that you have struggled.

so I agree - don’t blame yourself. This has happened but it is not your fault.

I've read all your posts op, and im so.sorry you feel this way still. Tbh I can sympathise in many ways, I moved from my lovely vibrant city to a rural area 400 miles away, it was the right choice with the info we had at the time but it has been incredibly hard. I have my husband so we could split shifts when my son was young but that meant we missed eachother a ton.

Regarding your sister and others flippant remarks about their older kids, please remember that everyone's is different and you have an only. I have have only and my experience is so chill compared to multi child households. Don't get me wrong, it comes with a bit of the usual societal guilt of should I give him a sibling etc, but honestly, the older he got (he was a much wanted ivf baby but very reflux and cmpa so a nightmare sleeper, 11 wakes a night easily in first year at times) the more I've enjoyed being his mum. Yes it's a sacrifice of time, I had a friend who is career focused but felt she's missing something and wondered aloud to me if having a baby would fulfil her ... I advised don't have one for that reason! As you fill their cups first, metaphorically. But to say something positive to you, I really am enjoying getting to know my little boy as he grows, walks, speaks, marvels at the world, tries things, tastes things. The first time we shared a laugh at something on TV was unreal! Yes he cries and yes he has the odd angry fuss, but hardly really, after that cmpa reflux crying baby it's miles away.

We're due to uead back to where we lived before having him or perhaps another city, as this rural stint was just that, so I'd advise you if you do want to go home to Paris, do it. There'll never be a right time for your baby, it's about you. Yes you'll have to pay for some childcare and yes you'll be without family, but that's not the be all and end all, and if you can find a trusted babysitter and get back into your work, I think you'll find the time you have with your child is all the richer for having time apart. I found my mind was elsewhere when I was so preoccupied with losing our friends and community and upset the decision to move nearer family didn't really pay off for us, so I wasn't always as present as I wanted to be with my kiddo.

Anyway, I know that won't wipe away all your worries but just my two cents as someone who had a very bad sleeper and also moved from a vibrant hub full of community and life to a rural area and knows how hard that element is to deal with while being a parent.

Please, please hang in there. You might be someone who just does not like the baby stage. It is a drop in the ocean compared to the amount of time you will have a relationship with your child - they will grow, begin to talk, start school, become an adult and form a mutual relationship with you. At less than a year old, they might smile and laugh but they're not talking and it's very much one sided input.

The more their little personalities come out, the more wonderful it becomes. I didn't bond with either of my children straight away, but now I am OBSESSED with how lovely they are. I honestly think you might struggle until your little one starts talking and really interacting with you. I really don't think you'll feel this way forever.

I'm sorry things are still hard, OP.

OP, what happened when the committee met to allocate nursery places? Does your baby have a nursery place in Paris?

@TruffleSlinky The committee met to attribute places in the creches (nursery) for the month of September and all places have been allocated. The director of the creche nearest to me told me I should add other creches to my request, as her creche is small, so I did. It is not ideal to be requesting these kind of things from a distance, so I was also advised to get a letter from my psychiatrist stating I am staying close to famly in Ireland until the end of this year, in order to get some support during the first year of baby's life. I also got a letter of support from a local health centre called a PMI, to bolster my request and underline the fact that I'm a single mother with no family support. I sent all that by email to the deputy mayor of my arrondissement in June, but she emailed me yesterday to say that there will only be in a committee in December if there are any remaining spots for crèches to start in January and, at the moment, that isn't the case, so that felt like a real setback.

this sounds like a really complicated way to get a nursery place!! Do you have other options for childcare - could you afford a nanny?