Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

I can't afford a nanny and I wouldn't be able to afford a private crèche but there is another system which entails contacting an "assistante maternelle" and having your child watched by someone at their home who also watches other children. My own flat is too small to accommodate this. I'd need to be in Paris to organise that.

Are nurseries in France more expensive than here in the UK? Maybe that's something to consider then. You said you are in Ireland at the moment? But you don't like it where you are. Is there a city/town in Ireland that you could move to which would give you a bit more of a city vibe, but that is still reasonably close to your family? You said you were missing Paris. Maybe a better location in Ireland with lots of choice of nurseries would help?

I think you are at a bit of a crossroads here with different outcomes dependent on other outcomes. For example, if you had been offered a crèche place you probably would have moved back… it’s like you are waiting for one puzzle piece to slot into place as a sign to put more puzzle pieces into place. But you may just need to take the bull by the horns and move back and concentrate your attention on getting childcare as soon as possible.maybe having a temporary nanny whilst you look into it? Is there a French version of Mumsnet where you could get some childcare leads?

@BrendaSouleyman

Sorry you are going through this.

I've read the thread since you posted and it's been updated so sorry if you've already recently mentioned.

Is it mainly the loss of freedom you are struggling with or is the sleep still bad? (Since this thread was started)

I have an almost 3 year old and I promise it gets easier and you will get more freedom over the years.

I appreciate you saying that but for every person promising it gets easier, there are several who say that it doesnt get easier, the challenges just get different. My sisters say it's no easier, posters yesterday evening on this thread were talking about just how much hard work teenagers are. I didn't go into this thinking it wouldn't be hard work but I am experiencing both the the lack of freedom and lack of sleep as torture. I also thought there'd be some joy in the whole thing. As I've said before, two hours away from the baby isn't enough, I want to be away all the time.

Maybe your focus should be on seeing how you can earn more money to afford a nanny?

And no, in my experience teenagers are not more work than babies. They can be pretty self-sufficient and great company unlike babies.

This is true, and it is often the case with French procedures and administration. I don't know of a French version of mumsnet, maybe the closest thing are groups on Facebook.

‘Just earn more money’ well that is seriously unhelpful! She has a job and is on maternity leave. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but the job market isn’t exactly firing on all cylinders at moment. As a single mother she may want to focus on job security and benefits. She’s also in the depths of early motherhood and living in a different t country - not like she is in the best place to be job hunting and acing an interview!

Not sure if this helps but I moved to a European city without a childcare place (and places at that time were very hard to get.) there was a period of uncertainty but by being there I was able to find a spot quite soon, people move around a lot for all kinds of reasons and places free up. It would not have worked from afar, it was something I had to be 'on the ground' to make happen and it did. Sometimes you just have to do something. I don't mean that to say you're not doing anything, but more that when you are in a place where it all feels helpless, making a move of any kind can get you going again. I know that's easier said than done. I just sense from everything you've written that you are more yourself in Paris.

There are expat and living abroad threads here. Maybe able to find someone in Paris who could point you to some resources. Do you have any friends in Paris who have kids - or colleagues you could ask?

Hi again @BrendaSouleyman So what is your plan at the moment? Are you going to go back to Paris in January? Have you asked your sub-tenant if they’d consider leaving earlier or is that not possible with a French lease?

If you widen the crèche application to another arrondisement do you still get to apply to both? What practically would that mean? I can’t remember if your work is in the same area as your apartment. Could you apply to one where your work is?

I'm not saying job hunt in rural Northern Ireland but in Paris for when she returns. Extra money will definitely help with finding a nanny and the OP will have a lot more freedom. I don't know anything about the job market in Paris though.

I would ignore those comments as unhelpful. People said that to me when I was in the newborn trenches, and it's very untrue. There is nothing as hard as the lack of sleep and freedom. If people aren't as bothered by that, then yes they might find other stuff worse. But if you're finding this stage this hard for those reasons, it will keep getting better. I understand it's hard to hold onto that abstract now though especially with mental health issues that you're trying to deal with at the same time and it's hard to separate the different factors.

Could you afford to travel to Paris for a short break staying in a hotel?

When people say it does not get easier I think they mean that life is not easy as pre kids. However it is defo easier than newborn stage with a baby that does not sleep.

I mean they sleep better on average, they won't cry as much, you can use daycare/creche, they will go to school and most of all they will develop a personality and become a friend!

Also, your sister has 3 kids whilst you will just have one.

Sorry about the sleep. I feel like once you get more sleep you will feel a lot better!

I have read the whole thread and feel so, so much for you. Your desperation and despair run so deeply, and yet it is very clear that you love your son.

I resonate with a lot of what you say, but on a much milder level. I adore my 3 children (11, 8, 3) but find daily life relentless. I crave time on my own constantly, and even just now I am hiding in our larder eating a biscuit so the kids can't find me, for just 5 mins. I find any time on my own is borrowed time, I am never truly free. Always clock-watching, rushing, meeting other's needs. But I find so much joy in them and have no regrets. I could never have done early motherhood alone, I think that is the piece that has saved me from where you find yourself.

But you need to understand, the neediness changes. Your child will always need you of course, just as you have needed your mother these past 8 months at age 44. But a baby becomes a person, eventually. You are in the thankless stage. I really think once they develop a personality, walk along holding your hand, make up silly jokes for you - your life will improve immensely and the despair will start to flicker and eventually fade. I internally commiserate people when they tell me they're pregnant. I found the 1st year very hard. But each day gets better, never noticeably, but it does. And you will look back on this awful time and be so grateful that you pushed through. You can, and will, do this.

On a practical note, stop breastfeeding if you haven't already. Do it today.

Yes there are lots of challenges ahead, baby stage is just the first one. But the point is that they are different, and what suits one person does not suit another.

I don't think it being hard work is why you are hating being a mum. It's the responsibility, the loss of control over your own life etc, and you get a limited amount back in return.

Some of that will change. So a 3yo may be just as hard work as a baby, or potentially harder (mine were) but there's also more variation, more predictability (sometimes) and they give a lot more back. There's also a lot more opportunities to get them into childcare/classes etc if you want to.

Teenagers (not reached them yet) are often hard work because they are dealing with big issues, big emotions etc, and you can't control them. So it's going to be pretty scary. They need emotional support and your presence rather than physical care. But you can leave the house by yourself, they go out by themselves, can get themselves a snack or a meal.

If youna e someone who likes control and feels anxious a lot, but finds physical care hard, they may find teenagers harder, but you sound like you might be the opposite.

Basically, don't assume parenthood stays the same. It's the one 'job' that constantly evolves.

OP - I love your intelligence and insight - as I suspect many others on this thread do, which is why we are staying engaged and want to help you figure things out.

I wondered if you might have breastfeeding dysphoria? I didn't, but developed a sense of revulsion at breastfeeding when my child was eight or nine months. I was an older mother so was straight into perimenopause when I stopped breastfeeding. It was really tough. So I wonder if a large part of what you're going through is a rare set of hormone interactions with genuinely tough circumstances.

When somebody suggested you take a break for a couple of hours, you said it wasn't enough. It isn't, of course, but it's two more good hours than zero hours and will make a difference to the other hours. Don't let the perfect solution be the enemy of things being noticeably better. There must be a school-leaver locally who would watch the baby for a couple of hours, maybe even one who is studying childcare. My child was in childcare from very young, a day a week, and it really helps.

Think about making things 10% better rather than solving everything in one go (it's not how things work). Talk to your friends in Paris and ask for practical help, advice about local resources. The 10% compounds, the 10% makes the 90% better, and the 10% also maybe helps build options to lead a different life, one that is a much closer fit to your needs.

Life is complicated for pretty much everyone and most people on this thread will have had great sadnesses and challenges. Some of us are luckier right now - but you never, ever know what it has in store, so don't idealise what you think other people have. And don't idealise the other life you would have led with no baby. You just don't know. There is every reason to have faith that you made a very good decision, one that really will be better and more rewarding in the long run.

You don't get everything all in one life (I mean - the rewards from commitments like relationships and children plus all the freedom from not having relationships or children). It's a good and brave thing to make choices. You've been unlucky with your health and your baby's health - you didn't choose wrongly, you need to stop beating yourself up.

Thank you @taylorfan I'm very grateful to you and so many others for engaging so empathetically and honestly. It does make a difference, when so little has.

Thank you also @Hotdoughnut I am glad you said you couldn't do early motherhood in your own and not all of motherhood. My sense is that I can not do this in the long run but by the same token I don't want to abandon my son. I made a choice to have him, although could never have imagined the implications would be so nightmarish. I do wonder if there is something hormonal as you mentioned @taylorfan . I can't even have a photo of my baby at my mother's house, even though she has photos of all her other grandchildren. I just see pain and grief when I look at him, along with the love. I dont know how women have screen savers or profile photos of them with their children. I hated when people wished me a happy mothers day. And it's heartbreaking, I just do not know why apart from "adjustment disorder" or adjustment period" according to the perinatal MH, with perhaps some postnal depression and postnaal anxiety. They don't sound very sure. And the perinatal key workers discourse has changed from telling me I would feel better in a few months (which was her message back in February), to admitting last month that some women do indeed regret having their children and, if given their lives to re-live again, would not have them.

@Hotdoughnut I am still breastfeeding. It is how I get some sleep at night; my son and I co-sleep and he's on the boob. He doesn't take a pacifier, I tried Tommee Tippee and Mam ones in the early days - he wouldn't take either and I assure you, I did persist! I am open to stopping breastfeeding, however -I may have said that before but I really mean it. Would the benefits outweigh the disadvantages, though, particularly as a single mother doing the nights alone so I'd have to get up at night to prepare a bottle instead of giving him the boob (which je also latches on to for comfort, not just feeding)?

To answer your questions @ElliePhant28 I do not have a formal lease with my tenant but told her several months ago when she indicated she'd like to stay until the end of the year that she could do so. She has, earlier this month, asked me if I'd e open to extending the sub-let beyond December but I have said no (although i added I'd let her know if ever that changed).
In terms of going to a crèche in another arrondissement, ao would need to get a special derogation from the town hall in my arrondissement. I'm far from sure that a creche in another arrondissement would even let grant me a place, intended for the residents living within that particular arrondissmeent. It would mean longer journey times too, obviously, hoiking my son to a crèche further away from my home and place of work.

I couldn’t breast feed and I used a baby brezza. Honestly the thing was a lifesaver - you just press a button and it makes the bottle if that helps you with the idea of bottle feeding being harder.

Hi op it’s obviously a massive issue being a mom would you not consider putting him up for adoption so he has a chance of happiness and you can go back to you old life as it does seem like nothing can help you. There is no point you being here suffering and struggling until your son is an adult. It’s hard work even when you enjoy it. I really hope you can get something sorted out especially for your mental health.

Last post for a little while. I want to add that I come back to this thread so often since I posted originally in May. Some of the advice has been absolutely golden. Some of it didn't resonate, because it came from women who had felt down, or perhaps found the newborn phase really hard, but who obviously didn't regret becoming a mother, so their advice was well-meaning didn't get to the heart of the issue.

i think it may have been you, @Utopiaqueen who wrote a comment that I'll always remember: the pain of looking at things from your pre-baby life. I still find it so hard to look at my life pre-baby and feel anything but deep grief. I find it hard to do things that I enjoyed, pre-baby. I just don't enjoy them, anymore. I know I'm rattling on and you all (more than) get the picture. But my fear is that that regret, and pain, will never go away.
Someone wrote yesterday evening (and I've heard many times) that everybody's experience of motherhood is different. I'm actually not sure I agree. I have been to an innumerable amount of mother and baby groups, I've looked at a lot of websites and fora, the social media of motherhood coaches, and there is one very common, overarching experience of motherhood that keeps cropping up. It's the mother who often feels "touched out", feels guilty, who misses her life pre-baby but doesn't really regret having the baby, and who feels down but whose depression generally responds to medication and talking therapies. That ain't me. As I said to the health visitor on Tuesday - without wishing to dismiss that kind of experience - mother and baby groups are beneficial for those kind of mothers, anti-depressants often work for thise kinds of mothers. I'm envious. I can't exactly waltz into a moms and tots groups and exclaim I hate every minute of every day and really regret having my baby. And is it a possibility that I will always feel this way? How on earth can I bring a baby up without him feeling I resent him, even though absolutely none of this is his fault?

I've written a lot so I will take a little step back now. I will still be reading. And as bleak as this film is- it feels like a film that I can't wait to end - I can somehow still feel your good vibes and all the good wishes through my phone screen, and they mean such a lot.

Think the problem is you feel you have brought this misery on yourself and it’s a decision you can’t take back. There isn’t much more painful in life than deep regret. I think the only way forward is to look ahead and not back. You can’t change that decision so you are going to have to stop ruminating over it. Accept where you are and focus all your energy and thoughts on how to make it more bearable. I would consider moving back to Paris personally

Hi. I have been reading on and off since you started the thread. Specially in your latest updates, how deeply awfully bad your mental health is seeps through the screen and I can see that you have made up your mind about what your feelings towards your baby are and will be. You seem like a really introspective person, so you really seem to have a grip on what is and what isn’t. It doesn’t look like you are the kind of person to have regrets usually, except for this.

That is why adoption comes back to mind. I don’t think you have mentioned why you have ruled it out. I don’t need to know. But your baby can be brought up by wonderful parents and you can recover your mental health. I am sure you have thought about it over and over, but perhaps it’s something that could be investigated a little further before you return to Paris. You can stop the process anytime you like until the last minute. And a baby this age will still be a very desirable addition to any parents’ dream family. He wouldn’t remember anything else either.

In any case, hang in there 💐 No judgement here (hugs)

Op honestly please listen to those that can empathize with the feeling of hating being 'touched out' and not enjoying the baby phase. I didn't enjoy the baby phase with my first baby. Breastfeeding especially was hard for me. I was miserable. When I stopped breastfeeding at 3 months honestly I felt such relief and a week or so later all the 'normal' hormones came flooding back and periods started again once I wasn't producing milk. I slowly began to feel better. I was 40years old. But I think I started perimenopause at 44yrs so I started getting some symptoms of that shortly after! So needed HRT which makes me feel even better.
I found being a mother and the intensity of it and the lack of freedom overwhelming. I did not enjoy maternity leave so went back to work when they were 9 months old.
But please believe me. As they get older it honestly gets so much easier!!! The baby and toddler stage is over and done so quickly. Then you have a little person to laugh and chat to!! It's very different when you can interact with them! before you know it they'll be starting high school. It goes ridiculous quickly.

Brenda your observation about the photos resonated with me. I am dumbfounded when I go round to people’s houses and they have these gigantic canvases up on their walls. For Christmas in the first year of giving birth my (now ex) partner gave me a framed photo of our baby!! WTAF? I felt utterly trapped by this child and then I get a photo, like I needed a reminder of daily life. I wanted to punch him in the face.

Maybe you are not a natural mother (whatever that is). But don’t go down the adoption route until you’ve given Paris living a proper go. I have about 15 female friends. 4 don’t have children and I believe 5 would opt not to have children if they had their lives again. That doesn’t mean that we don’t love or have great times with our kids. I think you’re in an awful set of circumstances that are exaggerated by your living arrangements. I cannot imagine moving back to the small crappy town I grew up in after living a cosmopolitan, city life. You need to get back to your “normal” and try it out.
You are obviously a smart, articulate woman and you have so much to offer your son. He’ll be bilingual, streetwise and cultured.

Also I’d like to point out the benefits of single parenting. You have no need to compromise or placate the dad or mother in law, you can bring up your son how you want to and there will be no debate/clash of parenting styles (which believe me is commonplace, just read the threads on here), the connection you have with your son will be immeasurable when you get through this horrible bit. From the way you describe, there is no question that you love your son. The fact you’ve continued to breastfeed until now is commendable. I also breastfed but if I had to do it again, I don’t think I’d bother. That Baby Brezza looks fantastic - like a Nespresso for milk!

Your son must be weaning now and I hope he got on ok at his recent health check. I hope you feel more confident about taking him out and about. I really do wish you well.