Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

Have you spoke to your health visitor? You are very anxious. Having a baby is a minefield: I had mine at 19 and 24. I'm 45 now so waiting for the grandparent stage! Babies don't get easier. The worry is always there. Am I doing the right thing, am I doing the wrong thing, have I said the right thing or have I said the wrong thing thing? The relentless mummmm that you hear in your sleep! But they bring so much joy and unconditional love. It is tough with a little one, and doing it single handed- hats off to you!

What an unhelpful post! There’s nothing wrong with having a teen when you’re 60. The OP is looking for help with a new baby not your opinion on her future.

Yes, I didn't think that was very helpful. I know I chose to have this child but I didn't want to go it alone - but I spent years doing online dating, I had no luck with men. Right now I regret it so much but this beautiful baby is here and I just want reassurance. If it (by "it" I mean sleeping more, the baby crying less, me feeling more confident with the baby) doesn't get better, I don't know what to do....

@anxietyriddled75 Yes the health visitor knows how I feel. As I said, I'm in touch with the Trust perinatal mental health service, and have my own therapist who is blunt, says many children may do not sleep through the night until they are two or three- she may be right, it's just not very reassuring. I'd love to move back to Paris, I'm just so scared of being alone with the baby. I'm trying to get him a place in nursery there but I came on here to ask when other aspects (as I mentioned above) get better. I don't feel that unconditional love or joy that I thought I would.²

Do you ever feel love when you look at your child?

He didn't cry much when we were walking. He was snuggled up against me and the constant motion sent him to sleep. Like being back in the womb I suppose. If he was awake he'd be looking at a combine harvester or a cow or something. Maybe I was just lucky. If he was really bawling I could walk away before he annoyed anyone.
He whinged a bit when he started teething, but then calpol and a textured rubbery chew thing on a cord seemed to help.
Honestly, you will get to understand your baby. There are usually clues. Don't lose hope. And don't worry what others think. Most adults have been there too.

Talk to him all the time, don't stop talking. Tell him how you feel, what you are doing, where you are going, what the sky is like. Take him everywhere, toilet with door open at home, cafe, restaurant, shopping. Not cinema, theatre, very smart evening dinner etc Seek out places with other Mums. Get your own home where you might both be happy. He senses your moods up or down. He will cry or not, it is your reaction that is hurting you.

He is gorgeous but I don't feel unconditional love. I just can't believe how I feel, given how much I wanted to be a mother for so many years. I can't believe how much regret I feel for my previous life.

I would like to respond to you more fully when I have more time, but I just wanted to say I completely get it. I am also a completely solo mum that has lived all over the world and now moved back to my hometown for exactly the same reason, I had my child at 38, I'm now 44.

It absolutely does get better. The toddler years are very hard, and I had some dark moments when I wondered what the hell I'd done and just wanted my old life back. But now my child is in school and their own little person who is (while still tiring) so much fun to be around. They have even started helping around the house! I am getting good sleep and getting to the point where I don't want them to grow up too quickly (after longing for them to do so for so long!)

Hang in there. Perhaps it's right for you to move back to Paris, perhaps not - probably depends how much you feel you need your family's support (I would not cope so well without that). But I promise you, it does get easier, and better.

Thanks @aquitodavia your post and other posts saying it dies get easier give me hope, but if I've read correctly, things getting easier seem to be a long way off- several years off, if I've read correctly? My baby is 14 weeks old and I don't think I can put up with this level of sleeplessness and anxiety for another year....

So much useful advice already so I'll keep it brief. While I had a more positive experience to yours, I did have my fair share of struggles. And what helped me was truly staring to believe that things would get better, as in the moment I realised I thought the sleep deprivation would go on forever. And yes, there are challenges ahead: the tantrums, sleep regressions, friendship issues... But nothing compares to that feeling of being constantly stuck with that little baby that needs you 24/7. The freedom will come back, first in small doses and before you know it you'll be able to do more and more on your own if you've got some support. Look after yourself x

So much useful advice already so I'll keep it brief. While I had a more positive experience to yours, I did have my fair share of struggles. And what helped me was truly staring to believe that things would get better, as in the moment I realised I thought the sleep deprivation would go on forever. And yes, there are challenges ahead: the tantrums, sleep regressions, friendship issues... But nothing compares to that feeling of being constantly stuck with that little baby that needs you 24/7. The freedom will come back, first in small doses and before you know it you'll be able to do more and more on your own if you've got some support. Look after yourself x

It gets different. It changes. It becomes more rewarding in lots of ways. You will be able to go to cafes with your child. Enjoy outings together. I have not read this all.....so it may be covered. But if not you need some mum friends. People who you can rant to.

Have you joined any groups? Gone to the free stuff the library does for babies? Get yourself some mum friends and it will help.

And to add I did this at 38 although with a partner. Going from a child free life which was my own to one with a screaming baby who didn't sleep and wanted constant feeding was very tough. The unpredictability of it. The lack of freedom. particulalry hard when you think this is all you ever wanted. But you do adjust.

Another thought-get out walking. if he cries you will mind it less. But so good to be outdoors getting some exercise.

@loulouljh i go to several mums and tots groups and the mums there are all genuinely lovely - plus it's very necessary for me to get out of the house, I find, and go to them, but it doesn't help with the fundamental issue: I honestly feel traumatised by the reality of what I have let myself in for, living in terror of my child crying, and miss my previous freedom so much.
The other mothers are younger than me, all have partners and have (with one exception) lived in this town all their lives so their experiences are very different and they can't help with that. Hearing them talk about their difficulties with their ten, eleven month old babies makes me feel worse as I think "I'm suffering now, and I've got this all ahead of me."

No full sleep for the first five years?? 😲

I think sometimes when you’ve wanted a baby a long time and been through a lot to get them, we build up a lot of pressure and expectation to love every minute and be the perfect mother. I was quite shocked by the reality! I would say right now do whatever you can to reduce the pressure on you. So take the medicine, stop or reduce breastfeeding if it isn’t what you want to do, find a nursery that will take the baby asap or see if your sister will have them overnight, make a plan to return to work early.

I'm glad you're getting support. I promise it does get easier. It's really hard when you've been free and in control for 44 years and suddenly you've got a relentless dependent baby who is basically holding you prisoner. I used to call it Stockholm syndrome as you fall in love with your tiny captor. To a degree it's surrendering to it for now but as they grow so does your relationship. You learn to fit together. That's the key thing. Parenting is a relationship not a job and as you find a way to make it work for both of you it'll become part of your rhythm and you'll find the best moments are with them. It'll be ok

I also left the NW of Ireland and I wouldn't go back there. That alone would make me feel sad and trapped. I would go back to Paris, or make a decision that you will go in 3 months time. If you set an end date for being where you are, that might also make it easier. Could your Mum come and help you in Paris for a while if you went back?

There's some great advise here. I just wanted to add, that all babies and children are different. You're still in the trenches. For me, I felt very similar to you at that stage. It did get better for me. Started sleeping through well before one. Was a delight as she developed a personality. Didn't like being left on her own for a loo trip, but was absolutely fine being left with grandparents (including over night) from pretty young. There are a lot of horror stories but no two babies are the same.

I did have some counselling for PND but actually I went in one day, unloaded everything I was feeling and she said 'you've got a lot going on - anyone would feel like that in your position'. Something clicked - I realised that was true. And I think the same is true about what you've described. Of course you're overwhelmed - you've got a lot on your plate. Of course true PND is much more serious than that (I suspect I was mis-diagnosed and I was just stressed and sleep deprived) but someone saying that it wasn't inadequacy or failure somehow made me feel like I had permission to find it hard.

You've made huge sacrifices for your child - you clearly didn't do it lightly. The feelings might be a surprise and serious (parenting is such a change from child-free adult life) but please don't assume there's no end in sight or that you've made a massive mistake because of them. Thinking of you - your post really struck a chord ❤️

(Also, for what it's worth, I went on to have a second!)

I didn't feel unconditional love until much later, when I was rested enough to appreciate him. Yes, I did actually feel it because I obviously did everything to keep him safe, loved and comfortable but I didn't have the energy to look at my baby and think lovely thoughts. It was survival until after 12 months.

So sorry you're feeling so bad, but it's early days and it DOES get better - honestly. I remember saying to my lovely mother-in-law, not long after my son was born, 'I'll never be able to read a book again!' It was ages before I felt anything like myself. It is such an enormous change. It helped that we spent time in Spain where my DH was working, and people were incredibly child friendly there, always putting me and the baby first. But really, the best bit for me was once he began to talk and behave like a human being. I loved him dearly as a baby, and I know some people prefer that stage, but I still remember that moment when we went out to a cafe together and chatted about things - and he was hardly even three. Hang on in there - the more you talk to him, and sing to him, the quicker it will come and you'll be surprised how much you enjoy it.

Yeah you get used to it. It's not like the newborn days though, they don't wake every 2 hours at age 2, don't worry. But even the ones that sleep 11 hours a night still get sick or get bad dreams so technically you're not getting a regular night's sleep, 7 days a week, until after age 5.

Just wanted to say that I had my first baby in my twenties, and felt exactly the same! Honestly nothing could have prepared me for the life change and lack of freedom 24/7. I also think I had pnd, my husband wasn't supporting me as I expected.

But everyone told me it didn't get easier, but it 100% did! I wonder if those who say it doesn't get easier have sailed through the baby days and as I didn't, it could only get better.

As time went on I adjusted and freedom gradually came back in increments. Also I found after babyhood and they started to talk and play, they were just more entertaining and joyful!

Thank you, sonja. Strabane girl here! 👋 My mum could come and help for a brief while but she visits my dad regularly- he has advanced Alzheimers disease and is in a nursing home in Derry. Plus, my apartment is tiny (330 Square feet). I'd love to return but dearly want to feel more confident- as I've described, that when he falls asleep that he's not like a ticking time bomb, waiting for him to wake and cry....