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Original poster

Was anyone else at Snape Maltings today? Did Alan get his table?

538 replies

WonderfulSmith · 30/08/2025 22:31

Before I start I know it’s none of my business and I’m a bad person I’m sure but…

I was at Snape Maltings today which is a nice arts centre with a lovely shop selling all sorts of home wares and furniture. It’s very quiet and sedate.
Anyway, a woman started yelling at her husband. The whole place was pretending not to listen while giving each other looks. Turned out that he had ordered a perfectly innocent side table without talking to her about it first. She demanded that he cancel the order and he refused. He sat down on a sofa in the shop and she went and sat in the car. Every so often she’d come back and stick her head around the door, tell him the table was disgusting, and stomp back out.

When we left, Alan was still sat on the sofa. But I want to know how it ended. Are they still there now? Did Alan cancel the order?

Were any of you there?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
19
LlynTegid · 31/08/2025 12:03

Evenstar · 31/08/2025 11:54

DH and I love Snape Maltings, we stayed near there on our honeymoon, definitely not the kind of place you would expect shouting!

@LlynTegid would like to second Neil Innes for the music, I was lucky enough to see his live show twice and loved the Innes Book of Records in my school days. I met him after the show when he was signing CD’s and got a photo with him, he was so lovely.

I met him as well in the mid 1990s and he was lovely then too.

LittleBitofBread · 31/08/2025 12:03

Find and infiltrate local social media pages/groups and follow avidly. And report back, obviously.

Zonder · 31/08/2025 12:05

petalpower · 31/08/2025 11:33

I was at Snape Maltings for a concert last night and there was no sign of Alan as far as I could see.

Did you check on the sofa in the furniture shop?

petalpower · 31/08/2025 12:10

I think all the shops were closed as we were there in the evening at the concert hall bit (the shops are separate). We did drive past all the shops going into the car park and there was no sign of anyone having an argument or having some sort of furniture based stand off!

Original poster
WonderfulSmith · 31/08/2025 12:13

Where is the poster who was off there for breakfast? She must be done by now.

OP posts:
N00dleStrudel · 31/08/2025 12:16

gillefc82 · 31/08/2025 02:50

@FortuneFaded I appreciate your highbrow account of this afternoon’s side table saga but to ensure this epic tale is accessible to everyone, I’ve summarised it in the form of a football chant below. For those in doubt, it should be recited to the tune of “She’ll be coming round the mountain”.

Oh Snape Maltings is the only place to be
For live drama when you’re buying your settee
Alan’s Mrs’ temper’s flaring
But our Alan’s sat declaring
“The side table is still coming home with me!”

He can stick that ugly table up his arse!
He can stick that ugly table up his arse!
To Alan it’s aesthetically pleasing
But it’s left his Mrs seething
Oh he can stick that ugly table up his arse!

If 'The Battle of Snape Maltings: A Poetry Anthology' doesn't appear on the shelves by Christmas, their whole marketing team should be sacked.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 31/08/2025 12:18

LeavesOnTrees · 30/08/2025 23:59

Sounds like Alan finally snapped.

He may end up being kicked out of the house and living in an empty studio flat with just his side table for comfort though.

It doesn't look terribly comfortable to me.
🤣

OneSharpGoose · 31/08/2025 12:18

I feel we need an Alan Snape table Haiku.

wizzywig · 31/08/2025 12:22

Oh hush everyone. Has the Breakfast at Snapes poster come back?
P.s, teamalan

CaptainMyCaptain · 31/08/2025 12:28

Whenever a Mumsnet thread turns nasty and I think of packing it in a thread like this reminds me what I like about it.

JudgeJ · 31/08/2025 12:41

Anon501178 · 30/08/2025 22:41

Haha I live fairly near Snape maltings and this story made me giggle 😅 Poor Alan and his table!

Could you nip round and start a conversation with the staff in the shop, I'm sure they would remember Alan and his Mrs!

N00dleStrudel · 31/08/2025 12:41

topcat2014 · 31/08/2025 11:44

I'm old enough to remember the Hugh Grant / Four Weddings line "lots of beautiful things around the thousand pound mark"

And have been known to drive to Gloucester services for coffee or Burford Garden Centre

Have you been to the garden centre at Moreton in Marsh? This Snape thingybob place is very much giving me Fosseway Garden Centre vibes.

JudgeJ · 31/08/2025 12:42

violetcuriosity · 31/08/2025 07:33

I am going to Snape for breakfast this morning 🤣

Was in unusually busy this morning??

ADifferentDay · 31/08/2025 12:44

Cardwell Garden Centre in Lunderston Bay in Inverclyde (Scotland) is the same. I've never been to Snape Maltings but I know exactly what you mean from having been to Cardwell Garden Centre. Fantastic place btw.

https://cardwellgardencentre.co.uk/

Cardwell Garden Centre – Award Winning Garden Centre – Scotland

https://cardwellgardencentre.co.uk

LillyPJ · 31/08/2025 12:49

CaptainMyCaptain · 31/08/2025 12:28

Whenever a Mumsnet thread turns nasty and I think of packing it in a thread like this reminds me what I like about it.

I agree. How come this thread is stuffed with wit and humour, yet most other threads are so sadly lacking in these qualities? It's baffling.

MrsSlocombesCat · 31/08/2025 12:53

pambeesleyhalpert · 30/08/2025 22:39

There’s a video on TT atm where a woman is screaming at a man for being Parked outside her bfs house- the man Had broken down, wasn’t parked. She got her bf out and he was explaining as well and he was looking at her like she was mad. The update Was that he broke up with her after that because she was acting like a lunatic. His name was Alan as well so I wonder if he’s the same Guy 🙈

A lot of those types of videos on TT are acted, not real.

NoCureForLove · 31/08/2025 12:55

Wasn't there but drove past about an hour ago Grin

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 31/08/2025 12:57

LlynTegid · 31/08/2025 10:21

The late Neil Innes lived in or near Snape for a long time, indeed I think it was featured in one of his tv shows.

If you were to make a drama out of it, Neil were he alive today could do the music or act as the peacemaker. I think Roger Allam would be ideal as Alan.

Show quote history

Neil Hannon would do a good job.

Glorious thread!

BadAmbassador · 31/08/2025 12:59

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g I was going to say that about Neil Hanson 🤣 The loveliest Neil.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 31/08/2025 13:00

John Finnemore could write the book, perhaps.

LeavesOnTrees · 31/08/2025 13:12

I agree with not letting the Americans get hold of the televised dramatisation. This is a very British middle class scenario.

The supprting cast of shoppers would have to be able to portray the silent shock and horror of someone yelling in such a naice public place, but also be secretly thrilled, whilst trying catch surreptitious glances at the warring couple.

Does anyone else picture Alan as someone who's spent his entire working life in a boring but well paid office job, never reaching the top to big boss level ?

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 31/08/2025 13:13

Scentedjasmin · 31/08/2025 09:55

I'm laughing so much!! You are so right! And they would shoehorn a racoon into an outdoor scene of bucolic English bliss.

Show quote history

And it would have a tooth-achingly saccharine happy ending. No, British it has to be. Nick Park and Aardman Animation could do it justice.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 31/08/2025 13:15

Or, for a lovely dark version, the Inside Number Nine/League of Gentlemen people. Steve Pemberton as Alan, Reese Shearsmith as Mrs Alan, Mark Gatiss as OP.

TheMousePipes · 31/08/2025 13:15

The posters who think this is an odd thread clearly haven't been here very long - this is a proper old school mn thread.
Team Alan all the way here, and really hoping for a post breakfast report.

LeavesOnTrees · 31/08/2025 13:17

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 31/08/2025 13:13

And it would have a tooth-achingly saccharine happy ending. No, British it has to be. Nick Park and Aardman Animation could do it justice.

Show quote history

Yes, plus an American couple would have no doubt already gone for therapy and talked about their feelings.

Alan and Mrs Alan have obviously had years of resentment and frustration building up to reach this point.

Swipe left for the next trending thread