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Was anyone else at Snape Maltings today? Did Alan get his table?

538 replies

WonderfulSmith · 30/08/2025 22:31

Before I start I know it’s none of my business and I’m a bad person I’m sure but…

I was at Snape Maltings today which is a nice arts centre with a lovely shop selling all sorts of home wares and furniture. It’s very quiet and sedate.
Anyway, a woman started yelling at her husband. The whole place was pretending not to listen while giving each other looks. Turned out that he had ordered a perfectly innocent side table without talking to her about it first. She demanded that he cancel the order and he refused. He sat down on a sofa in the shop and she went and sat in the car. Every so often she’d come back and stick her head around the door, tell him the table was disgusting, and stomp back out.

When we left, Alan was still sat on the sofa. But I want to know how it ended. Are they still there now? Did Alan cancel the order?

Were any of you there?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
19
AuxArmesCitoyens · 31/08/2025 13:27

I love Snape Maltings! the boat trip is brilliant irrelevant I once saw a couple having a blazing row in an intercity train. She yeeted his suitcase out the door just as it closed. Next stop was 350 miles down the track 😬

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 31/08/2025 13:27

Beachtastic · 31/08/2025 10:27

Blimey. Hell hath no fury like a woman's colour scheme scorned 🤣

😂

fromthegecko · 31/08/2025 13:27

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 31/08/2025 13:15

Or, for a lovely dark version, the Inside Number Nine/League of Gentlemen people. Steve Pemberton as Alan, Reese Shearsmith as Mrs Alan, Mark Gatiss as OP.

I'm seeing a Rashomon version in which the three actors take it in turn to play the three parts, to totally different effect.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 31/08/2025 13:29

AuxArmesCitoyens · 31/08/2025 13:27

I love Snape Maltings! the boat trip is brilliant irrelevant I once saw a couple having a blazing row in an intercity train. She yeeted his suitcase out the door just as it closed. Next stop was 350 miles down the track 😬

Cripes! What happened next?

Picoloangel · 31/08/2025 13:31

This has put me in a classic - for me - dither. I can’t pick a side and I’ve been to Snape Maltings and bought some glittery bird Xmas decorations. Ok but they are better than I’m making them sound.

I am Team Alan for his sofa sit in - who says you can’t be comfy when exercising your right to freedom of expression? Wonder if he had a takeaway hot beverage and WiFi good enough to do the Wordle whilst he waited. 🤔

On the other hand the table looks like something DC might have made in Technology and Design. £175 you say? Goes out to garden to check for fallen tree branches…

onestepinfrontoftheother · 31/08/2025 13:37

I'm waiting for a thread to appear in relationships from Mrs Alan of her version of the story. Will she be advised to get all her ducks in a row and LTB?!

Hotflushesandchilblains · 31/08/2025 13:45

I am going to imagine this is a second marriage - they are struggling to integrate their tastes, and this is the final straw for the new Mrs Alan. Bet he hates her dog too.

ItsNotYou852 · 31/08/2025 13:47

So we still don't know?
I've rushed back from the car boot to find out if Alan held his ground :-(
Must admit it's a fairly hideous table, but I have a feeling that Alan has been oppressed and overlooked all his life and it's time he had a say in their home decor!
#teamAlan

zingally · 31/08/2025 13:49

Other people's domestics are endlessly interesting!

I was on a cruise a couple of years ago and an elderly man had misplaced his wife somewhere on the ship. There was an announcement over the speakers along the lines of "Please could Janet Smith please make her way to the customer service desk, where her husband is waiting."

I happened to be relaxing in a chair fairly near the desk, so was there when Janet appeared. And she was MAD. She proceeded to scream bloody murder at him, including phrases such as "I hope you DIE!" "I wish you were dead!" etc etc.
It was not terribly becoming of a woman solidly in her mid-70s. Her poor husband just stood there, while embarrassed looking ships crew bustled around, trying to defuse her.

I hope Alan enjoys his table!

hotchocdrinker · 31/08/2025 13:51

I work on the snape Maltings site and am here today! I may pop over to the shop later and see what I can find out…!

SadTimesInFife · 31/08/2025 13:53

Maybe Mrs Alan will be laying a new patio ...

NoBinturongsHereMate · 31/08/2025 13:55

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 30/08/2025 23:02

It’s a bloody side table! How bad can one of those really be. The he only reason I’d be irritated by a side table in our house is there’s nowhere to put it without falling over it.

There used to be a furniture shop at the corner of Euston Road and Tottenham Court Road that would have given you a comprehensive answer to that question.

I suspect it's long gone, but if it still existed something like this would be at the 'plain' end of their range: https://hampshirebarninteriors.co.uk/shop/occasional-furniture/lamp-coffee-tables/ornate-flower-plant-stand-or-lamp-stand-cherub-design-gold-leaf/

Ornate Flower / Plant Stand Or Lamp Stand Cherub Design Gold Leaf

Ornate Flower / Plant Stand Or Lamp Stand Cherub Design Gold Leaf - Hampshire Barn Interiors

APPROX DIMENSIONS height 71 cm x base circumference 39 cm x top circumference 35 cm

https://hampshirebarninteriors.co.uk/shop/occasional-furniture/lamp-coffee-tables/ornate-flower-plant-stand-or-lamp-stand-cherub-design-gold-leaf

the80sweregreat · 31/08/2025 13:55

I haven’t seen the table , was there a photo or image of it that I’ve missed?
Even if this Alan does get his way , I bet Mrs Alan will make sure the best coasters are mysteriously missing when she has a hot cup in her hand to put down or a swift kick to it when his not looking ( oh dear, it’s been damaged ) or a quick run in with the Dyson.
’ It’ll have to go in the man shed now’ tee hee. I fear that the tables destiny isn’t great at Alan’s place.

booksnbaking · 31/08/2025 13:58

Vitriolinsanity · 31/08/2025 09:51

TBF that table is shit. I have a chest that ex-DH insisted on buying during our Sri Lanka honeymoon, it was then shipped back home. It cost £££ to get the ugly fucker through customs. He’s been gone years, but the ugly fucker chest still sits. Soon something heavy is scheduled to fall on it.

Sorry Alan, I’m with your wife on this one.

Buy a fire basket and an axe.

It‘s a beautiful sunny day outside, I believe, but I can’t tear myself away from this thread.

FishPie2 · 31/08/2025 13:58

hotchocdrinker · 31/08/2025 13:51

I work on the snape Maltings site and am here today! I may pop over to the shop later and see what I can find out…!

NOT later, go NOW. we having been waiting long enough to fiund out if Alan is still on the sofa. 😄

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 31/08/2025 14:03

NoBinturongsHereMate · 31/08/2025 13:55

There used to be a furniture shop at the corner of Euston Road and Tottenham Court Road that would have given you a comprehensive answer to that question.

I suspect it's long gone, but if it still existed something like this would be at the 'plain' end of their range: https://hampshirebarninteriors.co.uk/shop/occasional-furniture/lamp-coffee-tables/ornate-flower-plant-stand-or-lamp-stand-cherub-design-gold-leaf/

Maples?

Cinaferna · 31/08/2025 14:10

MrsMoastyToasty · 31/08/2025 10:31

There are so many theatrical outlets for this.

"The Table" the opera.
"The Table" the musical (now in the West End).
"Ye syde Table " the Shakespeare play

To name a few...

And just imagine the interpretive dance version!

NoBinturongsHereMate · 31/08/2025 14:16

Maples?

That was on TCR itself, IIRC - roughly opposite Maple St - and nowhere near the hideousness of the one I'm thinking of. It was on the north west corner of the junction in the 90s, and I was far too distracted by the contents to pay much attention to the name. I have a feeling it included the word International and probably Emporium.

booksnbaking · 31/08/2025 14:17

By the way, I can confirm that the Snape Distortion Field is in no way confined to Snape. It’s gone international (looking at you, tea light holder displays at Christmas markets across Germany and Austria - lush, opulent and twinkling en masse, pathetic, dim and sad when you get your lone purchase home).

WonderfulSmith · 31/08/2025 14:21

hotchocdrinker · 31/08/2025 13:51

I work on the snape Maltings site and am here today! I may pop over to the shop later and see what I can find out…!

You must!!! A nation needs to know. Anyone who was working in the main homewares part yesterday will remember I’m sure.

OP posts:
catzrulz · 31/08/2025 14:24

ADifferentDay · 31/08/2025 12:44

Cardwell Garden Centre in Lunderston Bay in Inverclyde (Scotland) is the same. I've never been to Snape Maltings but I know exactly what you mean from having been to Cardwell Garden Centre. Fantastic place btw.

https://cardwellgardencentre.co.uk/

I live near Cardwell, it is indeed fab.
I've just discovered Van Hage's near Ware in Hertfordshire, it is seriously posh, it definitely gives Alan vibes, not so much Mrs Alan, one wouldn't raise ones voice in Van Hage!

ADifferentDay · 31/08/2025 14:29

Waves to @catzrulz. I grew up near there and used to work in the garden centre. Very happy memories.

Boiledbeetle · 31/08/2025 14:35

Someone mentioned interpretive dance ..

🩰 Interpretive Dance: Alan’s Table

A three-act domestic ballet of stubbornness, betrayal, and pine veneer.


🎭 Act I: “The Purchase”

Setting: A stage dressed as a boutique furniture shop—soft lighting, scattered ottomans, a single spotlight on a modest side table center stage.

  • Alan enters with angular, deliberate movements. His arms form a cradle as he lifts the invisible table, his torso twisting protectively around it.
  • The Wife storms in, her steps sharp and staccato, clutching a small dog (played by a dancer in a shaggy costume). She circles Alan in spirals of fury, her gestures slicing the air like refund receipts never printed.
  • The dog-dancer trembles in her arms, occasionally barking in rhythm with the percussion.
  • Alan pirouettes away from her accusations, shielding the table with exaggerated mime.
  • The ensemble of shop assistants (in beige leotards and name tags) freeze mid-fold, watching the tension build.

🛋️ Act II: “The Sit”

Setting: A plush sofa downstage right, lit like a throne of defiance.

  • Alan collapses onto the sofa in slow motion, arms still wrapped around the imaginary table. His body sinks, but his resolve stiffens—his spine a protest.
  • The Wife exits stage left in a flurry of indignation, dragging the dog behind her like a furry comet.
  • A solo cello murmurs her offstage fury.
  • She re-enters moments later, her choreography now more jagged—lunges, finger-pointing, a dramatic lift of the dog toward the heavens as if to say, “Think of the puppy!”
  • Alan responds only with a slow, stubborn shake of the head, his feet planted like table legs.

🚗 Act III: “The Car and the Chorus”

Setting: Repetition and escalation.

  • The Wife performs a looped sequence: exit to car (offstage), re-enter with renewed rage. Each time, her movements grow more frantic—arms flailing, dog spinning, hair unraveling.
  • Alan remains seated, now rocking gently, hugging the table like a lost child.
  • The shop assistants begin a slow chant-dance around him, whispering “Refund… refund…” in syncopated breath.
  • The Wife’s final return is a crescendo—she leaps, she pleads, she collapses.
  • Alan rises, lifts the table above his head, and performs a triumphant jeté.
  • The lights dim. The dog whimpers. The table remains.

🕯️ Finale:

A single spotlight on the side table.

Alan and the Wife stand on opposite sides of it, frozen.

The dog curls up beneath it.

Curtain.

Was anyone else at Snape Maltings today? Did Alan get his table?
Was anyone else at Snape Maltings today? Did Alan get his table?
the80sweregreat · 31/08/2025 14:39

Beetle! Brilliant! Love this and I can see it too.

Billybagpuss · 31/08/2025 14:42

I would like to audition for the role of ‘dog under table’

I am mostly well behaved and would require payment in doggy ice cream to be paid in 2 hourly intervals.

Was anyone else at Snape Maltings today? Did Alan get his table?
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