Today I Am Packing A Bag And Leaving

[DoneWithItAllNow]

I can't do this anymore. I have been taking a cocktail of antidepressants and beta blockers for two years plus having counselling for depression and anxiety and I was just starting to think things were getting better.

Then I properly opened my eyes and looked around me. I saw the state of this flat, what I have been subjecting my disabled husband to for the past 18 months. Oh my God, I am so ashamed and I can't believe I am writing this but I need someone to judge me and tell me how terrible I am and it will be best coming from strangers over the Internet.

My house is a shit-tip. I don't mean a mess, I mean an absolute shit tip. And I can't face doing anything about it. We have not used our kitchen for 18 months. It is a mess of washing up never done, mould and dead flies. We do not even make tea in there and DH has a microwave ready meal each night cooked in a microwave so filthy that I am surprised I have not poisoned him. I live on biscuits, cabs of coke, whatever I can keep in the lounge. There is a leftover chicken casserole in my fridge that I cooked in May 2010 for fuck sake.

I cannot face dealing with it. The rest of the flat is no better. There are piles of washing everywhere as all I have washed is underwear and essential work stuff.

I called a cleaning company to ask for help. I wanted to see how much they would charge just to sort the kitchen. The lady who came out told me nobody will do it. Apparently it is classed as "gross filth" and I would have to employ a specialist team "like you see on Grime Squad." I know I could never afford that.

This place is damp and falling apart. The landlord doesn't care and we need to move. Seven months ago I had a ceiling fall in but I can't tell the landlord as he will come round and I can't let him see this place in this state.

So today I am packing a bag and leaving. I don't know where yet but I have to go. It is either that or something more drastic. DH will be better off without me. I have no real friends but I know that people will rally round to help the poor disabled man who's wife has left him with this to deal with. It will be better for all of us.

I can't believe I let things get like this. I don't know why I am posting this. I just need to get it in writing somewhere.

Good luck today ladies, I would offer to help to but I am too far away.

have a great day you 4 :) new freinds and a lovely clean house.

Mumsnet rocks!

Good luck today OP- wish I loved closer or I would help too

Good luck ladies! Today is a whole new day. Will be mopping my floors in solidarity .

Good luck today! Not near you but will do some work on my own house which is also in a state. Bin bags ahoy.

Just wanted to say op, I hope you have woken this morning feeling slightly more positive. Yes it is over-whelming the support that has been offered through this thread. Yes you do deserve it.

It's a good sign that you recognised your living conditions are less than ideal. When you are fully in the depths of despair and depression you really wouldn't care.

Good luck to everyone today x

Good luck today OP.

I'd be popping by with rubber gloves and bleach and coffees for all if I lived closer.

Good luck today! Not near you but will do some work on my own house which is also in a state. Bin bags ahoy.

Good luck today all of you! I read this whole thread while feeding my baby at 5am and even after he'd dropped off to sleep I was still reading with a tear in my eye! Makes me feel all warm and Christmassy! Looking forward to the updates today!

Such a heart warming thread! Good luck Donewith I hope you have a sparkly home very soon. (((Hugs))) to all.

Thinking of you all today, the wonderful volunteers and Donewithitallnow.

Good luck today everyone. I've got this vision that you're going to get this kitchen sorted. But in the back of my mind i'm hoping beyond hope that you manage just a little bit more.

This is such a positive pisitive thread and a lovely read. Please please keep us all updated. I so want to hear about the final results at the end.

Good luck today. x

Good Luck today!!! Not long and Christmas will be all Sparkly for you!

To all of you WELL DONE

It's like a summer's day in winter, good luck everyone and good wishes to DoneWithItAllNow and your DH.

You have inspired me to get the bin bags out here too!

Hope you have an excellent day ladies.

Good luck today!

Has somebody got the gin cakes??

So looking forward to the updates on this today!

Oh, I wish I was closer! Good luck, OP.

This thread is fantastic Good luck today, hope it goes well!

Its not often I read an op and cry, but I (and obviously everyone else) could feel your dispair and desparation.
You have done an amazing job and have taken some MASSIVE steps, recognising the mess and then accepting help. I really hope you get the kitchen sorted today and you can find the energy and enthusiam for life again.
THis is most definitly mumsnet at it finest. from where I'm sitting I see no vipers, just lovely kind hearted generous people who despratly want to help make other peoples lives just that little bit better. This is why I stay on mumsnet

Good luck today! You are all wonderful.

Shamelessly marking place! I love a good cleaning thread

DoneWith - good luck today- I'm sure The MN cleaning squad will be firm but fair with you, so maybe a few wobbly moments for you but here is hoping this be step 1 of a whole fabulous journey.

lauries I'm in Maidenhead, if you are sorting out a cleaning crew, and its near in Bucks to me, sign me up. Have mop and bucket, will travel!

If you need to ditch the stuff in your kitchen, you could, depending on how you feel, sign up for Freegle/Freecycle in your local area. You don't have to explain anything, just post a "wanted" ad for a free fridge and/or other bits and bobs.

We are here for you OP. I have been in that situation, feeling like it was all getting on top of me, my ds has health problems and I had a full epic mental breakdown 4 years back. BUT it does get better.

Please feel free to let me know where you are x

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