Today I Am Packing A Bag And Leaving

[DoneWithItAllNow]

I can't do this anymore. I have been taking a cocktail of antidepressants and beta blockers for two years plus having counselling for depression and anxiety and I was just starting to think things were getting better.

Then I properly opened my eyes and looked around me. I saw the state of this flat, what I have been subjecting my disabled husband to for the past 18 months. Oh my God, I am so ashamed and I can't believe I am writing this but I need someone to judge me and tell me how terrible I am and it will be best coming from strangers over the Internet.

My house is a shit-tip. I don't mean a mess, I mean an absolute shit tip. And I can't face doing anything about it. We have not used our kitchen for 18 months. It is a mess of washing up never done, mould and dead flies. We do not even make tea in there and DH has a microwave ready meal each night cooked in a microwave so filthy that I am surprised I have not poisoned him. I live on biscuits, cabs of coke, whatever I can keep in the lounge. There is a leftover chicken casserole in my fridge that I cooked in May 2010 for fuck sake.

I cannot face dealing with it. The rest of the flat is no better. There are piles of washing everywhere as all I have washed is underwear and essential work stuff.

I called a cleaning company to ask for help. I wanted to see how much they would charge just to sort the kitchen. The lady who came out told me nobody will do it. Apparently it is classed as "gross filth" and I would have to employ a specialist team "like you see on Grime Squad." I know I could never afford that.

This place is damp and falling apart. The landlord doesn't care and we need to move. Seven months ago I had a ceiling fall in but I can't tell the landlord as he will come round and I can't let him see this place in this state.

So today I am packing a bag and leaving. I don't know where yet but I have to go. It is either that or something more drastic. DH will be better off without me. I have no real friends but I know that people will rally round to help the poor disabled man who's wife has left him with this to deal with. It will be better for all of us.

I can't believe I let things get like this. I don't know why I am posting this. I just need to get it in writing somewhere.

[CremeEggThief]

Fantastic, Done and Furry! Keep going :).

[TiredofZombies]

Boer sorry to hear you are struggling. Do you feel motivated enough to make a start? That really will be the hardest part, once you see things starting to get better it will spur you on. Where abouts are you? I don't know the best way to sort out your loo carpet, other than pulling it up and replacing it with something easier to maintain. Is your place rented or do you own it? Renting can be so restrictive sometimes, when you need to make improvements.

[ChippingInLovesChristmasLights]

Boer sorry to hear you are struggling too - I hope you can get some motivation/energy from this thread. Do you think you could manage to do 15 minutes a day? That's not too long... you could wash your dishes in that time today?

[JaxTellerIsMyFriend]

Im with chipping small steps all add up to a clean, tidy place.

If you have a dishwasher, put your dishes in that, if not, some very hot soapy water will wash your dishes. For dried on stuff use some bio washing powder, it works a treat, or if you can afford to - ditch the plates, buy new ones.

Get your music on, that always helps me to get the housework done.

good luck.

[quirrelquarrel]

You doing okay Done? managed the Xmas cards this time?

[EuphemiaInExcelsis]

Aaw I saw the beginning of this thread, zoned out for a while and came back today. Aaw!

[JaxTellerIsMyFriend]

just wondered how you are?

[aroomofherown]

Aww I'm a bit teary. I love MN sometimes.

People can be truly amazing. I'm including OP here for her guts to admit this AND let people in. Thanks everyone.

[JaxTellerIsMyFriend]

well done dingdong All nice and fresh for the New Year!

[BellaVita]

Fabulous to the OP and those that have helped.

[hermioneweasley]

This, right here, is why I love MN.

Oh, it appears there's something in my eye....

[BoerWarKids]

TiredofZombies Chipping Jax

Thank you for responding

I rent. No dishwasher, flat is SO tiny there'd be no space for one.
Thank God I live alone, my filth is not affecting anyone else!

The only progress I've made since since my initial post is to take the rubbish out

I'm volunteering over the next few days, working with vulnerable adults so I need to pull myself together.

I just feel gross about it all. When I have a shower and wash my hair, I don't feel totally clean because my bathroom is in such a state, does that make sense?

I need to get going soon to do my vol work; what can I get done in 2 hours?

Wish me luck

[TheOneWithTheHair]

Two hours is enough time to deep clean a bathroom. You'll feel so much better.

Well done for making a start and good luck. :)

[talkingnonsense]

Put dishes in sink to soak. Spray bathroom with cleaner, bleach loo, wash off cleaner. Hoover what you can see. Take bin out. Have cuppa. Tackle dishes!

[JaxTellerIsMyFriend]

but you have kept going boer even taking out the rubbish better than having it in the flat!

I hope you have done a bit of what ^ posters said.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Boer
I tend to break things down into smaller tasks, especially if they are things I don't enjoy like ironing and its amazing how much gets done over a day or two.

Everything you've done today counts and its amazing how it all adds together to make a big change to your surroundings.

[CremeEggThief]

Just to say keep going, Boer. Getting rid of the rubbish is definitely one of the main jobs!

Hope you enjoyed your volunteering.

[snowflakehellokitty]

well done done with i had to check back in
you r a star
you are doing so well

[JaxTellerIsMyFriend]

Wishing all the de clutter gang and those cleaning a very Merry Christmas.

[MrsPennyapple]

Hi Boer (I was TiredofZombies, I've namechanged)

It totally makes sense about not feeling clean after a shower. Can you maybe assign yourself one task at a time? Eg, clean bathroom sink. That doesn't take long but makes a huge difference, I find my bathroom looks a lot worse if the sink is dirty. Just take one thing at a time, do what you can. Good on you for volunteering over Christmas, btw!

Happy Christmas everyone.

[BoerWarKids]

Hi everyone

I've done about half the washing up, I've put out more rubbish, sorted and put out all my recycling, filled a bag for the charity shop and swept my kitchen floor.

Haven't really dealt with the bathroom yet, just put bleach down the loo, hairunblocker in the shower plug hole and scrubbed the sink.

Feeling better already :) I'll try to push on the next couple of days and have it looking clean for 1st Jan. Start 2013 as I mean to go on!

How is the OP doing?

[Slainte]

Well done Boer that must give you such a great feeling to know that you're on the way to living the life you want to live. Here's to 2013 - may it be your year

[BoerWarKids]

Thank you, Slainte :)

[MrsPennyapple]

Well done Boer! It's an ongoing process, so don't worry if it's not all perfect by 1st Jan. Every little thing you do makes a difference, so just keep on doing little things when you can, it all adds up.