Today I Am Packing A Bag And Leaving

[DoneWithItAllNow]

I can't do this anymore. I have been taking a cocktail of antidepressants and beta blockers for two years plus having counselling for depression and anxiety and I was just starting to think things were getting better.

Then I properly opened my eyes and looked around me. I saw the state of this flat, what I have been subjecting my disabled husband to for the past 18 months. Oh my God, I am so ashamed and I can't believe I am writing this but I need someone to judge me and tell me how terrible I am and it will be best coming from strangers over the Internet.

My house is a shit-tip. I don't mean a mess, I mean an absolute shit tip. And I can't face doing anything about it. We have not used our kitchen for 18 months. It is a mess of washing up never done, mould and dead flies. We do not even make tea in there and DH has a microwave ready meal each night cooked in a microwave so filthy that I am surprised I have not poisoned him. I live on biscuits, cabs of coke, whatever I can keep in the lounge. There is a leftover chicken casserole in my fridge that I cooked in May 2010 for fuck sake.

I cannot face dealing with it. The rest of the flat is no better. There are piles of washing everywhere as all I have washed is underwear and essential work stuff.

I called a cleaning company to ask for help. I wanted to see how much they would charge just to sort the kitchen. The lady who came out told me nobody will do it. Apparently it is classed as "gross filth" and I would have to employ a specialist team "like you see on Grime Squad." I know I could never afford that.

This place is damp and falling apart. The landlord doesn't care and we need to move. Seven months ago I had a ceiling fall in but I can't tell the landlord as he will come round and I can't let him see this place in this state.

So today I am packing a bag and leaving. I don't know where yet but I have to go. It is either that or something more drastic. DH will be better off without me. I have no real friends but I know that people will rally round to help the poor disabled man who's wife has left him with this to deal with. It will be better for all of us.

I can't believe I let things get like this. I don't know why I am posting this. I just need to get it in writing somewhere.

This is the most lovely heartwarming thread I've seen in a long time. What truly lovely 'vipers' there are on here.

I wish I lived nearer so I could join in with the practical help but sending virtual good wishes and support and

This thread has given me the warm fuzzy glows and inspired me to tackle my own heap

I've just read through this thread and shed a tear

You lot are fucking amazing

Am so pleased you posted OP, good luck you lovely ladies tomm can't wait to hear how you Christmas Angels get on.

Good luck. You will feel so much better by this time tomorrow.

What a lovely thread.

I love MN.

I will be thinking of you all tomorrow whilst tackling the mould i've been ignoring on the bathroom sealant, please update!

I only read the first post, and had to comment. There must be someone around to help. I'm a absolute cleaning fanatic, I actually wish I lived near you so I could pull on my trusty rubber gloves and get scrubbing yep I'm an absolute weirdo aren't I haha! You clearly have a lot of love for your dh, I really hope you haven't/don't leave him

I'm getting a bit teary now Op, I'm in the Highlands but I'd have loved to come and help.
I know exactly how you feel, but I always just manage to keep on top of things.
It's just so hard to know where to start, and before you know it you're surrounded by mess.
This is such a lovely thread, I hope all goes well.

MN has the kindest vipers. Good luck tomorrow, OP and lovely vipers helping out. You won't recognise the place once it's all done. Depression is an agonising condition, I'm another sufferer and I can completely understand how you feel. That's the past, though. Tomorrow things change for the better. Make sure you've got a treat waiting for when you're all done!

Inspiring me to get sorting tomorrow too. Good luck OP and helpers :)

Brilliant thread, it's inspired me to do the living room tomorrow.

Did anyone notice that PostBellumBugsy said she was in Berks and offered to help too ?

I hope you have a good day tomorrow.

Jax you should take some dishwasher cleaner with you - you can stick it on a couple of clean cycles while you are there so that it's shiney and clean for the new dishes :)

I'd love to come too (I'm quite a drive away, but I wouldn't normally mind) but I'm supporting one friend with a newborn (& 2 yr old twins), one whose Mum is in hospital (3 kids) and one who is about to have a baby (I'm on 'toddler watch' for them) so I can't venture too far from home!

I'll be thinking of you all and checking in to see how you are doing! With lots of (sadly only virtual) & [biscuits]

So pleased for the OP

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Good luck today OP...thinking of you and your lovely Christmas helpers. Hold that shepherd's pie thought, it won't be long..

Keep going OP. today is going to be a good day

I just wanted to say good luck for today, I can't wait to hear how you get on! You are doing brilliantly, this is the first step to your new life.

How exciting! Good luck ladies

Good luck today ladies! . Am there in spirit, but too far away to come and help - plus the toddler and newborn would only wreak havoc! Look forward to the updates later.

Ive got some chipping and taking it along, my dishwasher is like my third baby.

Good luck today. I wish I was nearer or had a car today to come and help you today.

Perhaps we can ask MNHQ to change the title Today I Am Packing A Bag And Leaving My Rubbish Outside

Just think by the time new year comes you will have a lovely tidy, clean house.

Just checking my phone app works

Good luck ladies! Can't wait for updates :)

I've been reading your thread since the beginning and I'm so pleased you've got some practical support. Half the battle is the realisation isn't it. You are not alone anymore.