Inheritance one - what’s morally correct

[Threebear]

My MIL 70 has just inherited 1.85M net. She was given another house when in her twenties which due to where it was in the world ended up having to be abandoned, though means she has never paid rent or mortgage in her life. She did only have 50k to her name previous to this big windfall. She doesn’t have access to a pension (mistakes in her life / living in the wrong places).

She has 2 children, 37M, 43M. The youngest has a 5yr old child (her only GC). Relationship positive with both.

37M owns a property but in reality only owns the mortgage (340k mortgage). He doesn’t struggle but retains 2 jobs at once in order to live a nice life and have a nice property.

43M is mentally ill, has never retained a proper job, cannot access many benefits where he lives and has a wife who comes from a very poor country with no career herself. They live on the breadline if not lower.

MIL has declared that she is going to keep the full inheritance for herself however will gift each child with 50k as a present.

Firstly I’m fully aware there is a huge difference in thinking between the generations. As a millennial I cannot morally understand the decision. I would never in a million years do this to my beautiful child. I’m so aware of the struggles we have had and can only imagine the struggles in his thirties to get on the property ladder. My hope is we can buy him a small property when he’s older so he can be mortgage free from starting point, all of this to be done with our own investments and money.

The moral question has actually nothing to do with money. If she had none no one would care, if she only got 100k and wanted to keep it, it wouldn’t be questionable as she needs it.

However and big however, she’s just been lumped with 1.85M tax free, and it just doesn’t compute that she believes the relationship with her children and GC will continue if she chooses to do this. The decision is hers and hers only but for anyone who believes she’s morally correct, why I ask would you think your children would ever be ok, forgive you or want to spend anytime ever again with you?

It’s hers to make, but it’s selfish without a doubt. Keeping 95% of that money for her to spend Willy nilly seems crazy while thinking she can retain a relationship with the people she has hurt in this equation.

Personally I think she deserves a nice home, a good investment portfolio but that can all be done within 1.5M no problem at all. If she shared just 350k between her 2 children she would change their lives, they would forever be incredibly grateful, and it would promote to showing how much she cares for them and for a very positive relationship until her death.

The question is simply anyone who agrees with her, are you aware of the rupture and consequent lonely rest of life you would live in your million dollar home as your kids will now likely abandon you?

thanks!

Your partner only struggles and has two jobs because you don’t share with him. You could help him, given the family you have created is all that matters to you.

what about the moral idea of someone living comfortably in riches while their live-in partner struggles? Are you one of the “mine mine mine” that you’re so keen to deride?

I don’t really understand your comments about your DP struggling though, he didn’t even know this money existed and so he made the choices he has- the house he bought, the lifestyle he has, based on having to fund it himself anyway?

This is a tricky one, being given so much money, how much would be enough for her to give away? I can see how you're a bit peeved with just £50k but it's her money and she can do what she wants with it.
Maybe she hasn't yet got her head around as to just how much it actually is, when she does then hopefully she will dish a bit more out, realizing that she can never spend that amount.

What is she going to do with it, have the family discussed this with her, has she spoken to a financial advisor,?

I hope the family don't now ignore her because they want more, eventually it will probably all be theirs anyway, unless they upset her and her leaves it all to the cats home!!

Don't know how old she is but hope she enjoys spending it, but so many of the older generation know what's it's like to have nothing and work every hour God sends, so don't know how to spend their money. My parents were the same, struggled all their lives , went without so as us kids could eat, etc etc.
When they become pensioners they had saved a decent pot, 'for old age' they used to say, in old age they ended up with more money than they ever had and yet still wouldn't spend it 'just in case we need it' was their thinking. When they passed, us kids inherited, but always felt a bit sad that they never really got the benefit from years and years of saving for old age.

So don't be too hard on MIL, she probably doesn't realize just how much she has and how to spend it.

Good luck , I'm sure you will benefit one day.

If a parent decides to a help a child out that is great. If I have the means to do so when my dc are older, I will. My mother has helped me with a down payment, which was never expected and I am forever grateful. There are many parents out there that do help their kids, but equally there are many that don't. I would never cut my mother off if she did not help me. I never asked. She offered. I never thought about it tbh. She heard my thoughts about thinking to buy a house. She knew down payment was slightly out of my reach. She suggested she sell her huge house that she no longer needed or wanted to help. BUT I would never expect her to do this. It never even crossed my mind. She offered. I am thankful.

Hang on, are you married to the brother with the child? But are sitting pretty with your half of the mortgage paid off??! Are you not a team paying it off together?

If she gives too much away she might get done with disposable of assets. She also needs to inheritance tax plan: it’s not just as simple as give the money away!

also of this is your attitude you wouldn’t be getting a penny from me ever

I’m quite entertained by the responses, clearly there’s many more mine mine mine mothers out there than I realized in this cohort.

I think you need to distinguish between what people might do themselves and what your partner's mother ought to do. I'd certainly share with my children- in fact, all my financial plans are based around passing on money as soon as is practical. It doesn't follow that I think children have a moral right to their parents' assets. You seem to think that the fact that you imagine you would share with your child if you received an inheritance gives you the right to determine what others should do.

She could live another 30 years. She ought to take proper advice about the best way to deal with the money. That might include further gifts to her children, it might not, but either way it's her decision.

Its not what is “morally” correct, its what is legal. Stop being so grabby.

I have to say I think you have been offensive saying that ‘I’m fully aware there is a huge difference in thinking between the generations. As a millennial I cannot morally understand the decision’.
I’m in my late 60’s as are many of my friends, so we have all inherited over the last few years. Every one of us have given our adult children a large part of our inheritance to help them get onto the housing market.
So yes I think she is being tight but unfortunately some people are.

Your attitude is really bad and so greedy. 50k is a lovely amount to be gifted. But what stood out to me is your comment that you want to buy a property for your son so he can start out mortgage free. That’s a really poor attitude to have. The vast majority of people use mortgages to buy a property. There nothing wrong with them.

can you empathize and entertain the idea that you might break the relationship with your children because of this…

Its interesting that you say ‘you might break the relationship’ talking about a mother who has received an inheritance when if you put the question correctly you should be aiming it at the sons (or yourself!)… are they/you prepared to break a relationship because you feel hard done by that someone is gifting you 50k?

The inheritance is the mothers to do what she wants, she wants to give her sons 50k now and no doubt they’ll receive plenty more in the sad circumstances that they loose their mother.

In regards to morals, morally you should keep your nose and opinions out of other peoples finances. It doesn’t matter if you’d do something different it’s not you who has the inheritance

1. Not in Uk so financial arrangement on property is nothing like there. We both own but my part originated from an inheritance I was asked to protect (consider it like a UK prenup I was asked to make by DM). We have joint finances, of course we share. I just gave him a lovely car as bought a new one. Everything that is mine is his, my car is only in my name as legally can only be in 1 name, he drives it too in case anyone wonders 😂
2. theres a longer story behind this that is too long to dripfeed but base point is she is not a great mother but she thinks she is and believes she has a great relationship with kids. She’s not liked much by my partner but as societal rules dictate in his culture she’s welcome into our life and home of course for many weeks a year
3. I am not quite literally saying we’ll never see her again but her 4 weeks a year at our home will no longer be happening. A once a year visit to her will more than suffice at this point. I repeat not a lovely kind and clearly not generous mother. Rather a very difficult mother by all accounts so there isn’t copious amounts of love for her anyway which no doubt makes me sound like a witch but hey it’s the reality.

Of course £50k is a fantastic amount and as OP referenced in her post, if the total amount was smaller then this would be gratefully received without any kind of negative feelings. But these things are always relative to the total amount that has been inherited as ultimately it is the fact that MIL has inherited such a lot of money that has put her in a position to really make a difference to her children's lives at a critical time and she is choosing not to. Jeff Bezos reportedly gave $33 million to a charitable organisation providing education to undocumented migrants in America. What a great amount right? It's less than one day's earning for him. If he really wanted to support change then he is in the position to do a lot more. So how bothered is he? This is why it's all relative and it speaks to people's motivations when they give far less than they can afford to and insist they care greatly.

Inheriting the money later in life, like she has done, is objectively far less useful for most people. Children will have already been raised, careers will be completed and the potential to really do something with the money reduces. This is why MIL keeping hold of the money until she dies isn't a neutral act.

I am simply stating that I would behave differently than the MIL and obviously I am planning my own financial affairs in a manner that reflects this.

It really is none of your business - it's HER money to do with as she pleases. Greediness is not a good look. If I were her I would spend as much as I could, then leave the rest to the dogs' home.

You talk about your 'beautiful child' which makes me sure your child is quite young. We all idealise our relationships with our children when they're little. It's easy then. Maybe your beautiful child will grow up to be an utter asshole. Maybe he'll marry an asshole.

Neither of her kids are destitute. It's fine to expect them to make their own ways in life if you don't want to support them as long as they're not actively suffering. 50K is a lovely gift and they're not entitled to her money. If anything, someone feeling that I owed them my money would make me very much not inclined to give them it.

Not unreasonable at all. She has no pension, no money and at 70yo, could need to finance herself for a further 30 years. That’s a very long time without an income source. What she has done makes sense.

I feel exactly the same. Some people seem to enjoy watching their children struggle whilst they sit on piles of cash that they'll never ever need.

I do think it's from out dated attitudes, where they want to leave things to their kids, only after they've died, i.e. a shed load of cash, or their "best china" or whatever without the kids actually knowing, as some kind of "gotcha" after they've died, for some unfathomable reason. It has echos of the old woman in the Mill on the Floss novel who had a cupboard of "best" things that never saw the light of day but she got some kind of thrill knowing that her next of kin would be surprised when she died! I just don't get it at all.

It's a kind of cruelty thing really. Either that or emotional blackmail of threatening to leave their money to different relatives/donkey sanctuary if they don't come often enough, don't provide enough care, etc etc. Like the way they "bribe" their grandkids to want to come by always giving them a chocolate bar, or a matchbox car, etc.

I do see those outdated attitudes changing among some of my ageing clients these days - more and more are writing their grandkids, nieces & nephews into their wills rather that the old fashioned default of their estates passing to their children. I think its because people are expecting to live longer and their own children are more likely to be established (mortgage paid off, early retirement etc) when they're in their 50s and the parent is in their 80s and closer to dying. It was different in the old days when people died more often in their 60s and 70s leaving their children still struggling with young children, renting a house, etc in their 30s or so before they were established and financially comfortable. More and more older people are living to see their grandkids become adults, go to Uni, struggle with housing costs, etc. But I digress, given the OP's scenario.

We've certainly given a fair few "gifts" to our DS to help him get a decent education, decent job, etc., i.e. set him up for an independent life. We could have left him to it, but he probably wouldn't be where he is now, and we've enough to live on ourselves, so it seemed insane not to help him out when he needs it rather than make him wait another decade or two for us both to die by which time we hope he'll be well established and financially comfortable and won't "need" our money. If we live long enough and he has children, we'll probably write them into our wills to give them a good start in life too.

When my parents died I split my small inheritance with my children. They were very grateful as they weren't expecting anything. If they were of a mind to think they were entitled to any of it, they'd have got fuck all.

Yup, more and more people are passing inherited wealth down to the next generation who are the ones struggling these days and the ones more likely to need it.

This is utterly stupid of her tax wise. At 70 she should have compiled a Deed of Variation and left the money to those much younger than her. HMRC will be happy!!

Inheritance = other people's money whenever these kind of debates come up.
It is now yor MIL's money. Nothing to do with anyone else what she chooses to do with it. 💯 not something for anyone else to have a view about.
There really isn't s moral aspect here. Although I understand the argument that there could / should be.
Tbh I would be in favour of much higher Inheritance tax. It could solve all sorts of problems ( these kind of people believing they are entitled ot owed wealth they have not earned ) and provide all sorts of good .

So you need to protect your inheritance to make sure you keep it @Threebear, but your partners mother has to share her inheritance or her beautiful children will cut her off.

OP isn't in the UK

The mother doesn't have any money of her own so no idea what the previous plan was for her care. This takes that issue away anyway.

I see where OP is coming from. The lady in question could (arguably should) do a deed of variation so those £50ks don’t come to her at the very least.

I could go into the gifting rules but it’s a lot to write out.

I also think it makes perfect sense for this inheritance to skip a generation but I’m maybe too focussed on saving huge amounts of inheritance tax!