Inheritance one - what’s morally correct

[Threebear]

My MIL 70 has just inherited 1.85M net. She was given another house when in her twenties which due to where it was in the world ended up having to be abandoned, though means she has never paid rent or mortgage in her life. She did only have 50k to her name previous to this big windfall. She doesn’t have access to a pension (mistakes in her life / living in the wrong places).

She has 2 children, 37M, 43M. The youngest has a 5yr old child (her only GC). Relationship positive with both.

37M owns a property but in reality only owns the mortgage (340k mortgage). He doesn’t struggle but retains 2 jobs at once in order to live a nice life and have a nice property.

43M is mentally ill, has never retained a proper job, cannot access many benefits where he lives and has a wife who comes from a very poor country with no career herself. They live on the breadline if not lower.

MIL has declared that she is going to keep the full inheritance for herself however will gift each child with 50k as a present.

Firstly I’m fully aware there is a huge difference in thinking between the generations. As a millennial I cannot morally understand the decision. I would never in a million years do this to my beautiful child. I’m so aware of the struggles we have had and can only imagine the struggles in his thirties to get on the property ladder. My hope is we can buy him a small property when he’s older so he can be mortgage free from starting point, all of this to be done with our own investments and money.

The moral question has actually nothing to do with money. If she had none no one would care, if she only got 100k and wanted to keep it, it wouldn’t be questionable as she needs it.

However and big however, she’s just been lumped with 1.85M tax free, and it just doesn’t compute that she believes the relationship with her children and GC will continue if she chooses to do this. The decision is hers and hers only but for anyone who believes she’s morally correct, why I ask would you think your children would ever be ok, forgive you or want to spend anytime ever again with you?

It’s hers to make, but it’s selfish without a doubt. Keeping 95% of that money for her to spend Willy nilly seems crazy while thinking she can retain a relationship with the people she has hurt in this equation.

Personally I think she deserves a nice home, a good investment portfolio but that can all be done within 1.5M no problem at all. If she shared just 350k between her 2 children she would change their lives, they would forever be incredibly grateful, and it would promote to showing how much she cares for them and for a very positive relationship until her death.

The question is simply anyone who agrees with her, are you aware of the rupture and consequent lonely rest of life you would live in your million dollar home as your kids will now likely abandon you?

thanks!

It's absolutely none of your business what this lady does with her inheritance.

that much money will buy a LOT of care and a good social life.

50k is very generous. It’s her inheritance, not your partners etc, and hers to share, or not, as she sees fit.

She seems a fantasist, financially clueless, and generally not a great person - why expect any different?

Use some of the £50k on therapy.

This is more the crux of it rather then the money OP and I fully get it.
My MIL is the same it's all for show, social media, her friends etc. Reality she doesn't bother to form any sort of relationship with either of her children or GC's.

When FIL died she cleared the house in 2 days of any trace of him with no thought at all to if her children would like certain items. DH was able to rescue some items that he held dear from a charity shop by explaining.

She's also sat on a lot of inheritance money from family in the last 5 years but both my DH and SIL say its not worth the strings, the jibes and all other conditions any money comes from her.

DH did inherit from his grandfather's estate more then was in the will but only because his Uncle distributed his share between his kids and DH/SIL which MIL is still fuming about as it "makes her look bad" - her words!

She's unlikely to change and whilst that realisation will hurt your DH going forward he will be happier long run then constantly trying to please someone who is all about themselves.

Your MIl was so wrong to tell you anything - she should have known from interactions with you how you were.

I find this shocking. Truly shocking, entitled and disgusting.

If it was me I'd give my children more.

However, it's up to her. It shouldn't change anyone's relationship. Perhaps she'll gift more when things settle down. Perhaps not.

Perhaps she doesn't really comprehend how much she has actually inherited and to her a £50K gift seems a lot. What's she actually going to do with that huge sum of money?

If she didn’t care and didn’t ever give him anything, as you are wailing, she wouldn’t have given him £50k now. I’d love to have that gift!

Take the 50 and she will be dead soon? Who says she will die before her two dear children? Who says she will not outlive them? V.dangerous assumption to make, almost like trying to dare the Fate?

Now I see the point of view of my childless friend - with children like these....

I really hope that you are right and that she can't have the same relationship with her children anymore and that she checks in into the Ritz for the rest of her days or into the Gleneagles for the rest of her days and lives the dream, going on cruises in between. She will probably blitz through that inheritance soon, lives into her late 90s, but what lovely memories will she have!

I on the other hand am very comfortable, my 50% of property is paid off, my new car is paid off, I run a couple of small businesses that are doing pretty ok, I have my own family who have been comfortable and have always helped.

Perfect. You can give your partner £50k of your money and tell the MIL to do one. Problem solved.

Your 50% of the property...? Is this the property you live in?
Am I misunderstanding this: you own a property 50:50 with your partner, you are very comfortable and your half of the house is paid off but he is having to work 2 jobs just to afford his 50%?

Surely, if your half of the property is paid off, meaning that what’s yours is yours and what is DPs is DPs, you must appreciate your MiL’s position more than the rest of us who live family life with a shared pot?

So are you going to accept the 50k

So my parents have a lot of money (from both working a LOT throughout their life) I'm 35 now and they obviously supported me hugely but the only 'sum' of cash they gave me ever was £50,000 for a house deposit.

I was absolutely thrilled. Still am. Enabled me to get on the property ladder.
Why should I be entitled to their money? It would spoil me if anything.

Good for her I say!

Must be hard seeing your MIL with all that money and only getting your hands on £50k - I can see why you are furious - you are entitled to so much more aren't you. The vultures are circling again.

It's her money. She's only 70 and has plenty of time to spend it.

Care is very expensive and should she need it down the line you are looking at at least £60k a year. What if she needs 10 years of care?

£50k is a lot of money, more than I ever inherited. I also have a huge mortgage but didn't expect my parents to give things up to pay it off for me

Omg, the only saving grace in your OP is that you didn't call her a boomer (I was waiting for it tbh after the millennial drop). You cannot fathom being 70 is what. Revisit this post when you get there. Also, she doesn't love him because she hasn't shared money? Purleeese.

I am more interested in the fact she was given a house but had to abandon it because of where it was in the world? That sounds like quite a heavy thing to deal with in your 20s.

She’s lost her mum, who presumably lived to a ripe old age. She’s got a decent likelihood of going on a couple of decades and wants to make sure her last years are spent in comfort without money worries. A good care home can cost £100k a year. I don’t blame her for being conservative. Maybe she’s also conscious that she has a grasping DIL?

Well she should have kept her trap shut about her inheritance, particularly how much, because it's kicked up a shitstorm that wasn't there before.

She is perfectly entitled to keep, spend, give away as much as she wants. She could be more generous (and it would make IHT sense to do so) but she doesn't have to be.

There's something unpleasant about her saying she would always share, then telling you all how much it is and that she's almost entirely changed her mind. Seems a bit gloating. But you sound a bit grabbing so ...

Presumably they will get the rest after she dies? Is there any reason why they wouldn’t? That’s the normal order of things surely. Inherit when the person dies.

I also thought like a pp that she might not be very money conscious and £50k would be a lot to her so she thinks she is being generous. It might be hard for her to appreciate the difference between £100,000 and a million. I don’t get why you are so ‘angry.’

What is she planning to do with the money? I think most people inheriting that amount of money at the age of 70, particularly if they have an adult child with mental health issues that prevent them from earning a living, would give them enough money to buy a property and to live comfortably. Your MIL could do this and still have over £1million for herself.

Financial insecurity can greatly exacerbate mental health problems so being able to stop worrying about keeping a roof of their head, keeping warm and buying food would probably improve their mental health difficulties.

Her financial decisions, although entirely up to her, may cause a rift with her children that can't be mended.

Easiest thing in the world to spend someone else’s money. Many of us reading this might wonder why you don’t support your partner more, watching him work 2 jobs to afford your house whilst you’re financially comfortable and have no debt? Instead you’re getting cross because he’s ONLY getting 50k (now, I assume the rest later although I don’t think I have ever as sincerely hoped someone totally burns through their wealth on wine jewellery and holidays before!).

Why do you think you have an entitlement to her money? 50k is a significant amount of money? I assume she'll leave it to her children in her will. Allow the woman to enjoy her final years doing things she will enjoy. Yes, I would love to be able to give my children money to support them in the future but I also want to be able to enjoy my life too?

What a weird, entitled post.