Inheritance one - what’s morally correct

[Threebear]

My MIL 70 has just inherited 1.85M net. She was given another house when in her twenties which due to where it was in the world ended up having to be abandoned, though means she has never paid rent or mortgage in her life. She did only have 50k to her name previous to this big windfall. She doesn’t have access to a pension (mistakes in her life / living in the wrong places).

She has 2 children, 37M, 43M. The youngest has a 5yr old child (her only GC). Relationship positive with both.

37M owns a property but in reality only owns the mortgage (340k mortgage). He doesn’t struggle but retains 2 jobs at once in order to live a nice life and have a nice property.

43M is mentally ill, has never retained a proper job, cannot access many benefits where he lives and has a wife who comes from a very poor country with no career herself. They live on the breadline if not lower.

MIL has declared that she is going to keep the full inheritance for herself however will gift each child with 50k as a present.

Firstly I’m fully aware there is a huge difference in thinking between the generations. As a millennial I cannot morally understand the decision. I would never in a million years do this to my beautiful child. I’m so aware of the struggles we have had and can only imagine the struggles in his thirties to get on the property ladder. My hope is we can buy him a small property when he’s older so he can be mortgage free from starting point, all of this to be done with our own investments and money.

The moral question has actually nothing to do with money. If she had none no one would care, if she only got 100k and wanted to keep it, it wouldn’t be questionable as she needs it.

However and big however, she’s just been lumped with 1.85M tax free, and it just doesn’t compute that she believes the relationship with her children and GC will continue if she chooses to do this. The decision is hers and hers only but for anyone who believes she’s morally correct, why I ask would you think your children would ever be ok, forgive you or want to spend anytime ever again with you?

It’s hers to make, but it’s selfish without a doubt. Keeping 95% of that money for her to spend Willy nilly seems crazy while thinking she can retain a relationship with the people she has hurt in this equation.

Personally I think she deserves a nice home, a good investment portfolio but that can all be done within 1.5M no problem at all. If she shared just 350k between her 2 children she would change their lives, they would forever be incredibly grateful, and it would promote to showing how much she cares for them and for a very positive relationship until her death.

The question is simply anyone who agrees with her, are you aware of the rupture and consequent lonely rest of life you would live in your million dollar home as your kids will now likely abandon you?

thanks!

50k is very generous. Its her money to do with as she wishes. Anyone expecting more are just grabby.

Well. I’m pushing 70. I’ve inherited nothing but susceptibility to diseases and illnesses. And poor teeth.

Whatever I might have inherited has gone on nursing home fees.

But I’m just a boomer so who cares?

It is her money to spend/keep/invest as she likes. It's true that my any people would give more than that away to family from a big inheritance but, as stated, it's hers to do with what she likes.
Your commentary sounds like blackmail. Do as we wish or we will abandon you. Not much love lost then. If you and your husband cared about her you would of course probably be irritated by the thought of how some of that money could help you now while an older person sits on what she doesn't need but you have no moral high ground here.
Also you need to think through carefully your threat to abandon her if she doesn't pay up. If I was her and understood your attitude you definitely wouldn't be getting much/anything in my will so intact because of your resentment now, you wouldn't be getting anything later either.

The usual advice to people who come into (relatively) large sums of money is not to make any big decisions too quickly. So in that context, deciding to give £100/150k away now to share the good fortune while they figure out what exactly to do with the bulk of the inheritance is entirely reasonable IMO. And given how quick the children seem to be to spend the inheritance for her, the reason for that advice is very clear!

Coming across as very grabby and judgemental of her life choices.

If the relationship is damaged, at least she will know her children didn't really care for her anyway.

More fool her for disclosing the amount.

It’s about the moral idea of living in riches while your children struggle and expecting them to be ok with it despite the fact you could have helped.

I'm confused - You've told us that you have paid off your share of the mortgage, are very comfortable financially, yet your partner is 'struggling' and has to work two jobs. How is this any different to his DMs attitude?
Several pps have asked this but you've not replied?

My inlaws are very wealthy whilst we still have a large mortgage at an age most have already paid it off (due to meeting later in life) but we love them dearly and would never expect them to give us money (despite the fact it would make sense tax wise).

Is MIL aware of these feelings? Has your DP discussed a loan with her? She might be up for that with lower/no interest rate?

She is, maybe, relieved that she no longer has to worry about money and probably feels fearful of giving away too much in case she is ever in that situation again. I doubt it has anything to do with how much she loves, or doesnt love her DCs. Give her care and empathy, especially after losing her mum. Once she gets used to the money and realises she doesn't need that much, more may come but it should never be an expectation.

I'm guessing that this woman sensed the overwhelming entitlement coming from her son and DIL and decided not to indulge it.

I would absolutely do everything in my power to support my dd, but if I felt that she had developed such a strong sense of entitlement to my assets, then I would need to consider how to counter that.

It's interesting that you think her choice to only give her sons £50k each will inevitably have a negative impact on relationships. I can't imagine my relationship with my parents or PIL ever having been so transactional.

What have morals got to do with it? It's her money! And I hope that, when she dies, all her money is left to charity, rather than to her greedy family.

My DM recently died and left money to descendants. One is busy arguing that her will isn't what she wanted and we should honour her wishes not the will (this relative had help before she died, and we know she was highly motivated to help the other relatives).
I am one of the ones who has inherited actual value (rather than items IYSWIM) but who wasn't helped while she was alive and I wouldn't dream of getting snippy or thinking it's unfair due to that. I could give the other descendants some of my inheritance but they will either benefit from it while I'm alive (as they are my own DC) or they are in my will.

Also, how has she inherited this tax free? Even if it was from a parent who was married and left their property after their spouse died, it's still only £1m tax free.

Jeez. With every justification you make yourself (and your partner) sound even worse. Contrary to what you seem determined to believe, the comments here defending your MIL’s decision are far more reasonable and far less ‘mine, mine, mine’ than your own attitude towards somebody else’s money.

Can you not hear how mercenary you both sound, that you’d consider cutting contact with his mother and severing her relationship with her only grandchild because she’s only given you £50k?!!

And, as someone mentioned upthread, you seem to have your own finances buttoned up nice and tight. Given that you’re so very concerned about your partner’s feelings and the wealth of your family unit, it sounds like you have an unequivocally ‘I’m alright Jack’ attitude to your own money. You criticise your MIL for not enabling your partner to pay off his 50% of your joint mortgage, but you’ll happily watch him do two jobs whilst ‘your half’ is fully paid off and your investment divvies roll in. The hypocrisy is breathtaking.

Jesus christ the entitlement.

On the contrary, if my Mum inherited lots of money I'd a) be happy for her, B) be extremely happy and grateful for the £50k! And C) certainly not have any bad feelings towards her.

When she is dead I will get more. I'd rather she was alive.

Also, I think it's unreasonable to expect your parents to buy you a house mortgage free!

I wouldn't like to see my children on the breadline of course, but £50k would presumably help a lot with that.

I agree. Or maybe she is testing them..? In fairness, if her kids have pissed money away this long then maybe she doesn't trust they will spend the money wisely and it will be wasted.

But some people do learn from mistakes. I know I did. So.. hard one.

But I agree, I wouldn't have anything to do with a parent who would leave me struggling when they didn't have to. It would prove they weren't really a parent so what would be the point of further contact.

The hard truth is, MIL financial position is none of your business. The £50k gift is extremely generous and you’re very lucky to have access to that. Ultimately it could be brutally argued that (if you play your cards right) in a few years 0-30 you / DH will inherit what’s left…

Thats not to say if I was her I wouldn’t be more generous. But I suspect no amount would ever be enough for you. Would you still think this way if she was 65 and had no pension and no home?

She may chose to invest a significant sum, in which case your future inheritance may far exceed the £1.8m. She may chose to spend the lot and live the life she’s dreamed of. Fair play to her if she does.

You lost me at 'MIL'. It's not your business. It's not your money. It's not your relationship. Jeez.

Its your MIL, none of your business. Let your dh deal with it if he's wanting a bigger share. Other than that I know it's shit but just smile and keep your nose out.

He's broken-hearted and you're angry that his mother is giving him £50k?

Absolutely disgraceful. You should both be embarrassed.

Well she doesn't sound that good with money.

Sounds like this is a bailout for her having no pension.

Maybe she doesn't want to make the same mistake again as she has been gifted a second chance at a comfy retirement.

Some people just have a mindblock when it comes to money. No matter how much they have they never feel secure/safe. That's why there are a lot of millionaires who live like paupers and are discovered to be really wealthy when they die.

A lot of people plead poverty in old age when they are really rich. I think some of it is greed. But some of it is due to the fact that many aren't really that aware of how much money they have and are uncomfortable/unable to do the calculations they need.

The AC will inherit eventually, if she hadn’t spent it, given it away or bequeathed to a charity, or other favoured individuals or causes. It’s hers to use as she pleases and the AC are a disgrace for wanting it now.

"She will be dead soon anyway" - the coldness of this statement made me sick! How vile. Anyway, she's 70, could easily live another 20 years!

I think you may be cutting your nose off to spite your face .

Ok she's never been the best mum, doesn't sound like there's any love lost between her and her kids.

So she may be thinking the same about her kids, have they always been loving towards her, do things for her, visit her, take her out etc etc. so iykwim she may be thinking , ' sod them, they don't bother with me' so £50k is enough.

If you now stop the long visits etc then you really shouldn't be surprised if she does leave it all to a cats home!

As they say 'money is the root to evil'. It can break a family that will unrepairable.
Be careful how you tread.

I agree with you OP and would give half to my kids as I’d never want to see them struggle. It would make a huge difference to their lives. However, it’s her life and decision and, although I’d think differently about her, I wouldn’t cut her off.

She may remarry and then the whole lot will go to her spouse if she pre- deceased them.

If she had to abandon a house, where's she been living since? Is it paid off?

And she's got no pension. And full-time care, if she needs it, is expensive. (Are you going to do it? I presume that you're not - and she knows damn well you're not). If you're in a country where there isn't even inheritance tax, I'd say she's sensible to think about herself now and let you have what's left when she's gone.

You'll have your half when she's dead, right? (This may well coincide nicely with when your child has uni fees, or is wanting a house deposit, or whatever. . .).

If you were so concerned with what's fair / moral, perhaps you'd be telling her to give most of it to your BIL, who needs it more. (Who knows - if she picks up on your resentment, maybe she will).

You'll almost certainly be coming into a very useful sum one day. Patience. And try to be nice to her. Complaining about having to work for a living and pay your mortgage like most people is a bad look.

I think on that amount £50k is not a great deal to give her children. I would think if she doesn’t have a pension though that will plug the gap. Personally I would have given more but you can’t make her.

Oh gosh yes, didn't think of that, imagine !! Hope she keeps it quite, she'll have men camping outside her house!
Scary amount of money, I wouldn't like it tbh, you would never know who's a friend or who's after your money!