Inheritance one - what’s morally correct

[Threebear]

My MIL 70 has just inherited 1.85M net. She was given another house when in her twenties which due to where it was in the world ended up having to be abandoned, though means she has never paid rent or mortgage in her life. She did only have 50k to her name previous to this big windfall. She doesn’t have access to a pension (mistakes in her life / living in the wrong places).

She has 2 children, 37M, 43M. The youngest has a 5yr old child (her only GC). Relationship positive with both.

37M owns a property but in reality only owns the mortgage (340k mortgage). He doesn’t struggle but retains 2 jobs at once in order to live a nice life and have a nice property.

43M is mentally ill, has never retained a proper job, cannot access many benefits where he lives and has a wife who comes from a very poor country with no career herself. They live on the breadline if not lower.

MIL has declared that she is going to keep the full inheritance for herself however will gift each child with 50k as a present.

Firstly I’m fully aware there is a huge difference in thinking between the generations. As a millennial I cannot morally understand the decision. I would never in a million years do this to my beautiful child. I’m so aware of the struggles we have had and can only imagine the struggles in his thirties to get on the property ladder. My hope is we can buy him a small property when he’s older so he can be mortgage free from starting point, all of this to be done with our own investments and money.

The moral question has actually nothing to do with money. If she had none no one would care, if she only got 100k and wanted to keep it, it wouldn’t be questionable as she needs it.

However and big however, she’s just been lumped with 1.85M tax free, and it just doesn’t compute that she believes the relationship with her children and GC will continue if she chooses to do this. The decision is hers and hers only but for anyone who believes she’s morally correct, why I ask would you think your children would ever be ok, forgive you or want to spend anytime ever again with you?

It’s hers to make, but it’s selfish without a doubt. Keeping 95% of that money for her to spend Willy nilly seems crazy while thinking she can retain a relationship with the people she has hurt in this equation.

Personally I think she deserves a nice home, a good investment portfolio but that can all be done within 1.5M no problem at all. If she shared just 350k between her 2 children she would change their lives, they would forever be incredibly grateful, and it would promote to showing how much she cares for them and for a very positive relationship until her death.

The question is simply anyone who agrees with her, are you aware of the rupture and consequent lonely rest of life you would live in your million dollar home as your kids will now likely abandon you?

thanks!

I inherited a small sum last year (£40k) and gave it all to my daughter. Not because I didn’t need the money, but because she needed it far more. But if she’d demanded it and threatened to cut me off, she wouldn’t have got a penny.

At her age I would do a deed of variation to the will so that at least half the inheritance goes straight to the dc. I have been informed that I will be inheriting from a late friend and that is what I am planning to do. That way it won’t go on care fees and won’t be subject to the 7 years gift rule that would apply if I gave it to my dc as a gift. I am a similar age to mil.

Everyone can choose what they do with an inheritance.

Would I do that to my adult children? Not a chance. I'm not taking it with me, and if I could help my children to lead better, easier lives financially to the extent the OP describes then I would, 100%.

I'm assuming because it would clear their £340k mortgage

Good idea. Take the £50k and cut her off because she’s such a horrible person. That way you’ll never see any more of the inheritance.

When I inherited a small amount from a childless aunt that I’d cared for the solicitor warned me ‘everyone will come out of the woodwork now’. I scoffed. He was right - relatives who hadn’t spoken to her for years all felt entitled to a share. Inheritance drives people crazy.

I think you will find she needs time to reflect and understand her new position. She has no idea what this looks like in terms of income, assets etc. There may very well be more money coming on down the line. In the meantime, stop equating money with love and realise she can do whatever she wants with her money.

The issue is that a 70 year old has a large inheritance. And daughter in law thinks some of it should be hers. Now. MIL has gifted each £50,000. But this it seems is not enough.

If I were your MIL I would feel inclined to take the £50,000 back.

Perhaps she feels she doesn’t want to give you more because she sees you as grasping. Perhaps if you were not she would.

Nobody likes to leave money to people who so very clearly want to have it.

The money belongs, for now, to her. And if you do want to inherit any via your husband, I would be careful about showing you are put out that she hasn’t given you more.

she’s just been lumped with 1.85M tax free, and it just doesn’t compute that she believes the relationship with her children and GC will continue if she chooses to do this

What the hell have I just read? What is wrong with you? Seriously.

She is going to give each child £50k but you think "it doesn't compute" that she thinks her relationship with her children and your child, her one grandchild will continue. So some bitter entitled child is going to cut off her relationship with her only gc?

A 5 year old child who has no concept of money?

This is one of the nastiest most entitled posts I have read on here and there is some stiff competition for that.

£50,000 as a gift and that's just not enough. WTAF is the world coming to.

I can see why she’s giving you ‘only’ 50k with that attitude. Morally, she’s using the money to provide herself with a nice retirement. Good on her! She could easily live another twenty years so that money won’t last as long as you think.

She hasn't hurt anyone. If you feel hurt, that’s yours decesion , not hers.

Money can’t buy love, which is what you seem to think.

Wtf am I reading. They’re going to abandon her if she doesn’t give more? I’d be glad if I were her if that’s what they really thought of me

That would depend on which country the will is executed in.

the o/p suggests this is spread across different countries, and may not have anything to do with the UK- dollars are referred to, op is from a “poor country”, mil has had to abandon a house due to it’s location…

it all reads rather oddly. Who says “retained” a job?

i can’t even see that currency is mentioned? 1.85m pounds is different to 1.85m rupees…

Have I understood this right?
You keep your assets separate from your partner? Yet you expect your mother-in-law to share hers?

I'm not sure you can just gift someone a very large sum of money, I may be wrong about that

I’m quite entertained by the responses, clearly there’s many more mine mine mine mothers out there than I realized in this cohort. Yes it’s your money, brilliant good for you, that wasn’t however the question on table. I simply wanted to know if you think as many of you do, can you empathize and entertain the idea that you might break the relationship with your children because of this… it’s now about 50k, it’s about the moral idea of living in riches while your children struggle and expecting them to be ok with it despite the fact you could have helped.

I am a mother, I could not fathom doing this to my child and can only empathize as I am a mother.

I do not want the money, not today, not tomorrow, not on her death bed. I am waiting for nothing, it’s not for me and I will never get any, it’s not my DM, I really truely don’t care about her family and her money, just my partner.

My family with her son is what I care about. She has made a respectful decision and that’s fine, it’s hers to do with how she pleases even if it’s enraging or upsetting but again the question is can these types of mothers even empathize with what they are doing emotionally in choosing this path ?

To all those commenting on her financial knowledge, she has none so it’s likely that a lot is tied to a fear that 1.85M isn’t enough. So thank you for those comments, that part allows me to empathize with her in a way the “you entitled cow” does not 😂

There is always an expectation that mumsnet is solely UK based. We are not in Uk, no scary tax man, no undeclared nothing, all correctly inherited and taxes paid. Gift tax is 0% for the brothers, for various reasons (not based around 7 year rule as it is in Uk). She will however pay fairly large tax yearly on her interest payments from investments and property.

Well, it's easier to share/give away money that's not yours, isn't it?

She’s not choosing to break the relationship, you are.

Because you don't pay tax on money you inherit as the tax is paid by the estate before it goes to the beneficiaries.

Gosh if he doesn't want 50K I'll take it. What a generous gift.

As others said, this is a really lovely offer (though feel free to turn it down if it's so offensive!) and she is likely taking some advice before figuring the rest out. You can't just hand out all your money that quickly anyway.

What a horrible way of looking at this amazing surprise. I can only wish my mother would have had such a windfall - eventually we (my husband and I) are going to have to have some difficult conversations about her care as she has almost nothing. Would be a huge amount of stress off of me if I didn't have that to worry about.

This kind of entitlement makes me so glad the assisted dying bill didn’t make it.

I suppose the irony here is that if the DC abandon their DM for “only” gifting them 50k then they’ll never get their grubby hands on the rest!

I'm old but younger than your MIL. If I inherited that amount of money I would split it between me and my children. My parents, who are ancient, definitely wouldn't. How people deal with money is their own personal choice and I'm afraid you can't get away from that. You may think she has a moral obligation to give money to her sons, I think implying she will be cut off if she doesn't rather negates the moral high ground. You don't actually know how all of this will play out, so my suggestion is to accept the 50k graciously and carry on living your lives.

am more puzzled by the idea that you have paid "your" 50% of the house and "your" car loan off and are comfortable financially when your dh isn't.

how does that work?!

I think you will find she needs time to reflect and understand her new position. She has no idea what this looks like in terms of income, assets etc. There may very well be more money coming on down the line. In the meantime, stop equating money with love and realise she can do whatever she wants with her money.

This!! Just settle down OP you are being very grabby. Surely you will stand to inherit down the line if not before, in the meantime you are about to receive a gift of 50k! How you have turned this into rage and cutting your MIL off is beyond me.
Just settle down, be grateful and give it time.

Oh indeed - you paid off 'your' part of the house? What makes it yours versus your partners and why isn't your money into the sharing pot if that's what family is meant to do?

you said at the outset that the relationshiip with both sons was positive. your update makes it clear that was a lie.

also, if she has no pension at 70, and less than £50k in savings what does she live on? who owns the home she lives in?

have you thought that possibly after a bereavement and inheriting a significant sum of money she thinks it makes sense to pause and take some advise and secure her own retirement before giving it all away?

can you empathize and entertain the idea that you might break the relationship with your children because of this…

No. Not at all. I love my parents and they have raised me to be responsible for myself. Their money is their money during their life time. I am also very aware of the costs of elderly care.

If they had a £million windfall, if they wanted to gift me some I would be delighted but I would have no expectation of anything whilst they were alive at all. It's theirs to do with as they choose -whether that is to enjoy and spend, or even just to hold as a sense of financial security for their future as a buffer for elderly care, residential care or private medical treatment.

I absolutely cannot conceive of cutting them off or abandoning my relationship with loved parents over this because I love them and am not an entitled brat.