Inheritance one - what’s morally correct

[Threebear]

My MIL 70 has just inherited 1.85M net. She was given another house when in her twenties which due to where it was in the world ended up having to be abandoned, though means she has never paid rent or mortgage in her life. She did only have 50k to her name previous to this big windfall. She doesn’t have access to a pension (mistakes in her life / living in the wrong places).

She has 2 children, 37M, 43M. The youngest has a 5yr old child (her only GC). Relationship positive with both.

37M owns a property but in reality only owns the mortgage (340k mortgage). He doesn’t struggle but retains 2 jobs at once in order to live a nice life and have a nice property.

43M is mentally ill, has never retained a proper job, cannot access many benefits where he lives and has a wife who comes from a very poor country with no career herself. They live on the breadline if not lower.

MIL has declared that she is going to keep the full inheritance for herself however will gift each child with 50k as a present.

Firstly I’m fully aware there is a huge difference in thinking between the generations. As a millennial I cannot morally understand the decision. I would never in a million years do this to my beautiful child. I’m so aware of the struggles we have had and can only imagine the struggles in his thirties to get on the property ladder. My hope is we can buy him a small property when he’s older so he can be mortgage free from starting point, all of this to be done with our own investments and money.

The moral question has actually nothing to do with money. If she had none no one would care, if she only got 100k and wanted to keep it, it wouldn’t be questionable as she needs it.

However and big however, she’s just been lumped with 1.85M tax free, and it just doesn’t compute that she believes the relationship with her children and GC will continue if she chooses to do this. The decision is hers and hers only but for anyone who believes she’s morally correct, why I ask would you think your children would ever be ok, forgive you or want to spend anytime ever again with you?

It’s hers to make, but it’s selfish without a doubt. Keeping 95% of that money for her to spend Willy nilly seems crazy while thinking she can retain a relationship with the people she has hurt in this equation.

Personally I think she deserves a nice home, a good investment portfolio but that can all be done within 1.5M no problem at all. If she shared just 350k between her 2 children she would change their lives, they would forever be incredibly grateful, and it would promote to showing how much she cares for them and for a very positive relationship until her death.

The question is simply anyone who agrees with her, are you aware of the rupture and consequent lonely rest of life you would live in your million dollar home as your kids will now likely abandon you?

thanks!

That's a weird way to look at it. I think it's not necessarily about the money itself but how the decisions you make around money or any other resource reflect your priorities and view of the world.

So MIL has every right to retain all the money for herself or give away as much or as little as she chooses to whoever she wants. This is undisputed. The question is, what does it say about a person when they choose to hoard the vast majority of the money when they know so called loved ones and close relatives need it? You could certainly deduce that the MIL cares more about being rich than she does about helping out her children. Again, all her prerogative but she can't make these decisions and expect the adult children not to reflect on this and it would almost certainly change the way you thought about your mother because it is inherently selfish.

My mother is never going to inherit this kind of money but I truly believe that if she did then she would give me a large chunk of it if she knew I was struggling. Equally I suspect she would expect the same from me if the situation was reversed and I won the lottery. Of course I could watch my mum struggle and give her a relatively small amount knowing that it wouldn't really change her situation but I would imagine she would be quite disappointed in me and I think that would be fair enough.

If you love people then choosing to watch them struggle when you have the means to help them without materially detrimenting yourself is quite selfish in my opinion. This is true if you could help people with money, time or in any other way. This is why it isn't necessarily about the money but the lack generosity or care shown by people's choices and behaviour.

Paying off a mortgage fully early may incur significant penalties.

Also, the vulnerable adult may be taken advantage of if their property is fully paid up or receiving large sums of money.

Presumably you will be turning down the £50k then @Threebear

Care home fees are currently £96k per year for my DM, so if at some point your MIL needs care for 20 years even huge amounts of money can be swallowed up.
Be relieved you will not feel pressured to contribute to/ carry out caring duties.
Enjoy the £50k, there is likely to be more in the future, but if not you are still more fortunate than many.

You sound a bit morally bankrupt yourself if you're saying she must hand over a fat wedge of money or won't get to have a relationship with her son or grandchild again. Thats blackmail. Most people wait for their inheritance when their parent does and aren't fortunate to get a £50k handout in the meantime.

We're all different. In the same circumstances I'd hand over a bigger chunk to my DC, but it's her decision and you shouldn't deny her her family if you're too impatient to wait.

Morally I wouldn't share private financial information with randoms on the internet

If her kids abandon her because she 'only' gave them £50k as a gift then they're not worth knowing anyway. Doesn't matter their backgrounds.

I think she's quite a wise old bird. She's possibly canny enough to see what their reactions to the gifts will be and then will act accordingly.

I think she's got the measure of the situation.

Morally she doesn't have to give anything but that doesn't mean it's not a good thing to choose to do. Ultimately though it's her choice.

Sorry you are probably right about the tone. I am angry but it’s not the money, I’m angry because she’s broken my partners spirit and heart slightly. He’s never recieved a penny from her for anything since age 17 not cars, property, not even a birthday present. Dad is out of picture for him. I on the other hand am very comfortable, my 50% of property is paid off, my new car is paid off, I run a couple of small businesses that are doing pretty ok, I have my own family who have been comfortable and have always helped. I don’t want this money do not consider myself a part of this at all bar the feelings of my partner. His mother has suggested all his life she absolute adores her children and would share anything if she ever had anything. Even suggested 50/50 if one day she inherits (some years before the death of her mother) between her and kids. It’s the realization she’s been a lie his whole life that she doesn’t actually love or care that much and simply talks rainbows and sunshine when in reality it’s all about her. Thats the anger I have and the pain my partner feels.

If she has no pension then she might feel very anxious about the future and not financially knowledgeable enough to know how much she can free up safely now. £50k would make a huge difference to a lot of people.

Personally I would definitely give my kids more but I would hope they wouldn’t expect it at all. It sounds like you’re expecting it (and if you’re the second couple then perhaps it’s time to try to help yourselves out a bit instead of complaining about not being handed money that isn’t actually yours). Perhaps there is other stuff at play as to why she doesn’t want to dish out large sums of money currently.

If I was her and read this I wouldn’t give you anything.
You can’t be happy for her, you’re just thinking about yourself. Selfish and grabby. You don’t deserve £50k.

Who says they need more than £50k, they may want more than £50k but it is a really nice amount to be given. Saying she's hoarding the money is very loaded language, she will use the money as she wants. The children seem to think she will blow it, I think they are worried there may not be much left to inherit when the time comes. If she hoards it or more likely invests it they will get it in the end and she will have a nice income to live on in the meantime.

It's easy to be generous with other people's money.

You’re angry because she’s giving your dp 50k 😵‍💫 I hope she keeps the lot and doesn’t give him a penny.

How grabby.

If all you care about is the money then why would you cut her off and risk not inheriting the rest at some point?

OP, how long has she had this money? She probably hasn’t decided herself what best to do with it, and has said £50k as an amount to give away while she takes advice or thinks about what she wants to do with it. If she were to give away a huge chunk, you would have to insure it anyway, otherwise she could be run over by a bus and you’d end up having to give 40% to the taxman. But as an expectation, you’re being vvv unreasonable. You might hope for a handout: to expect it, and declare that a continuing relationship with your parent would be dependent on her handing over money is not just grabby but frankly outrageous.

Cutting off your Mother because she isn’t prepared bankroll your life is morally wrong, yes.

Your DP is an adult, his brother is an adult. They are responsible for earning their own keep.

You should also consider, given her age the tax implications of large monetary gifts if she doesn’t live more than 7 years.

That inheritance will help secure your MIL's future and pay for care if the time comes. If she gives her children large chunks of money are you all prepared to house/care for her when she needs it?

50k is very generous especially from someone who hasn't been generous with money before. Be grateful FFS.

This is what I think. Even care costs if she needs them are unlikely to burn through that much. Especially if she invests it well. I can’t imagine I’d want to hoard nearly £2m at aged 70 I’d definitely give a good chunk to my kids but it’s up to her.

I think it’s probably very difficult for someone of that age who’s not had money to understand the implications of that money.
I would perhaps suggest she gets some financial literacy or advice from a trusted : independent source around inheritance tax and the retirement draw down.
For example - assuming she kept £450k at an interest rate of 5percent she has 20-25 years before her coffers run dry. Having £1.3m in the bank at that point will bear a heavy tax implication. As she has only ever had about £50k, in her mind this gift to each of the children probably seems very generous…

ETA - there is zero morality in my response. It’s her money to do what she wants with, and no one is entitled to anything. I do think however that being aware of the facts and implications isn’t a bad thing.

While if I was MIL I would absolutely give more to my children, if she is aware that her children can be bought or lost with money then I wouldn’t be prepared to give them a penny to be honest.

He’s never recieved a penny from her for anything since age 17 not cars, property, not even a birthday present.

It’s the realization she’s been a lie his whole life that she doesn’t actually love or care that much and simply talks rainbows and sunshine when in reality it’s all about her.

Most people of a similar age to your husband didn't get anything from their parents when they became an adult. Times have changed. I certainly didn't. Nor would I have expected to.

And I certainly wouldn't equate my parents keeping their own inheritance and not sharing what I thought I deserved even though I was still getting £50K with them not loving me.

My DH parents inherited from MIL's mother. I certainly had no expectations about getting any money out of that. I can't fathom how people think they are entitled to other peoples inheritance, no matter their personal financial circumstances. What a greedy mindset to have.

And, as others have said, if you'd abandon her over £50K. What's to say you wouldn't over £350K or even £500K?

uh huh

Your partner sounds like an absolute wet wipe.

he’s getting £50K. How you both can equate that to “she’s been a lie his whole life” is beyond me.

What else has she said or done to imply she doesn’t actually love or care for him? Or are you viewing love through financial terms?

"I am angry but it’s not the money"

It's been left to her. Its her money. She's giving away £50K each. They should be grateful not whining with a begging bowl out.