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Infertility just spoils everything. A brief rant.

136 replies

IsthisMummy · 21/11/2016 08:00

Do feel free to join in with your own rants. It might help me feel like less of a crazy person...

I'm just SO fecking sick of it all. It's like the whole process is designed to just shrivel your soul away a little bit at a time. I've just spent the last few days shagging like crazy with softcups and preseed thinking that I'm about to ovulate. However of course there's NO temp rise today despite me having all the signs of ovulating. Looks like there's every chance of this being ANOTHER anovulatory cycle. So now I have to go to work for the day with that being the only thought on my mind.

I can't get any answers from my NHS consultant who I've been calling for over a week. A private consultant on Friday told me I should consider donor eggs due to my shitty amh levels. I have to go for a HSG on 21/12/16 and I'm terrified they will tell me my tubes are blocked. If they do I will have to put a brave face on my despair all over Christmas (and it's my birthday on boxing day just for extra fun)

I'm going away on a much needed break in a fortnight, but all I can worry about is the damage I will do to my chances if I drink/don't eat healthily. I know my DP will want to and I want to really, but what if harms us?

I'm just so sick of it all. I feel like all the joy has been sucked out of my world and like I'm just a total failure as a human being.

Please tell me others here feel the same? :(

OP posts:
Metaphase · 21/11/2016 08:18

Flowers yes, I often feel the same. You aren't alone!

I'm off to work now, back later.

IsthisMummy · 21/11/2016 09:03

Thank you Metaphase. It helps to know I'm not the only one. I just wish none of us had to go through this shit. :(

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Cityzen74 · 21/11/2016 09:20

Yes I understand how you feel - I have often felt like a failure. I look at others who are already pregnant or have children and wonder why that can't be me. I know that we shouldn't be defined by whether or not we have children but it is really hard when you really want them and it isn't working out isn't it? I have found it hard to come to terms with the fact that I have fertility problems and I wonder whether I ever will.

I agree that I wish we didn't have to go through this - it is rubbish.

I'm waiting to start the Short Protocol IVF this week once AF arrives. I am excited that something is actually happening but also really terrified about everything and wondering how I will react to the drugs and EC etc and of course worried that it won't work.

Sending you my best. I know it is difficult but I really hope you can enjoy your break away with your DP. Flowers

IsthisMummy · 21/11/2016 12:31

I really hope your IVF works out Cityzen74. Wishing you the very best of luck.

I really just want to go back to bed today. I can't face the world :(

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Metaphase · 22/11/2016 08:30

Rant starting:

Infertility is a absolute fucker. False hopes, disappointments, scans, needles, drugs, massive bastard tablets (CoE-Q10, anyone?), temping, ovulation wee sticks, fake triphasic charts that get your hopes up, birth announcements on FB, AND STILL NO BABY.

Actually the worst bit was my miscarriage at 9w in Feb. I was allowing myself a glimmer of hope, and began to get excited - a baby, before Christmas, have we done it! Well, Christmas is approaching and it's all tinged with sadness. I'm still heartbroken tbh.

So, 39 years old, low AMH, running out of time and no flaming IVF clinic will return my enquiries. NHS wait times are so long I'll be in menopause by the time that comes round, so now it's time to throw money at the problem. If only someone returned my calls!!

It's desperately lonely to be in this position. I feel like I'm in a bubble while normal life goes on around me.

IsThis, a weekend away saved my sanity a few weeks ago. Go, enjoy yourself, don't worry about food, or drink. It won't harm you or your chances. Try to have a good time. I've been there, there are days I also can't face the world and want to hide in bed, it's so hard, but we have to keep trundling on.


milkandmorewine · 22/11/2016 08:40

I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage Metaphase. It is so desperately unfair that you had to go through that. To be given hope and then have it snatched away is just so very cruel.

God, don't talk to me about CoE-Q10. I ran out five days ago and now totally fretting that my new batch hasn't arrived yet. I also have a particular hatred of the DHEA I'm taking. It's making my hair as greasy as a teenagers.

Sorry to hear you're having such problems with IVF clinics. I have no experience of it (yet) but I thought they would be falling over themselves to take your money. Which ones have you tried if you don't mind me asking?

The endless NHS wait list is my greatest fear as well. I'm 38 next month and really don't want to be put on a massive list until my time runs out. How long have you been waiting?

isthismummy · 22/11/2016 08:41

Name change fail there, but it's definitely me!

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bananafish81 · 22/11/2016 22:54

I fucking hate infertility

Last 12 months : 4 IVF cycles with egg collections, 3 cancelled cycles (1 fresh and 2 FET), 2 embryo transfers, 2 pregnancies, 2 mmiscarriages of chromosomally normal embryos, 1 ERPC and 2 hysteroscopies. £30k down and no baby. 5 genetically perfect embryos but we can't even get my rubbish endometrium to menstruate. I'm going backwards as I'm now on contraception with a copper IUD to try and help me to have a period so we can try and get my uterus in a better state so I might be able to support a pregnancy

All I've done is infertility and I'm apparently shit at that. My self worth is shot to shit as I feel utterly defective as a woman.

Big hugs to all xx

Sakura03 · 22/11/2016 23:00

Oh op I totally get it, it completely takes over your life...
I just got my results from my ultrasound and HSG yesterday all looks fine so I guess I should be happy but nevertheless the outcome is undiagnosed infertility (1 1/2 year after my first ever bfp which ended at 6 weeks). The consultant said that there is still a good chance that we may conceive naturally but otherwise we could consider IVF which we'd have pay for ourselves. My partner does not want to go down that route, whereas I would be open to it and would like more info but I also think that if I lose 2 stone and in general make more lifestyle changes there might still be a chance to conceive naturally. I don't know... what if it doesn't happen? I'm 38, is it worth paying £100 for an AMH test?
milkandmorewine can I ask which brand of CoE-Q10 you buy? I'm not sure which ones to get. Do you take maca too?

Sakura03 · 22/11/2016 23:05

Bananafish hell you've been through a lot, it's utterly devastating but the strength you have to carry on is admirable Flowers

isthismummy · 22/11/2016 23:50

I buy the Unbiqinol Sakura. Myself and DP are both veggie so have to search for a brand that accommodates that. It just depends which website I can find it on really. I'm buying from Healthspan at the minute.

In your shoes I would definitely pay for the AMH test. I found out mine is really low just last month. It's devastating, but also better to know where you stand. It might make your DP better inclined towards IVF as well. Can I ask why he isn't keen? At 38 you really need to grab that bull by the horns (and I say that as a woman of nearly 38 myself)

Bananafish. I've read your posts on a number of threads now. I am always humbled by all you are going through and how gracefully you deal with it. I truly, truly hope you get that bfp eventually. I don't think there's another woman on this board who deserves it more.

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MrsH14 · 25/11/2016 22:54

It's life changing and not in a good way. It destroys who you once were and no matter how the story ends you will never be the same person. We are 10 days away from finding out if my dh has sperm for us to proceed with IVF. If there is nothing found I'm so scared it will pretty much destroy my husband.

Infertility sucks!

FluffyEwok · 25/11/2016 23:03

Can I join?
It's been 14 months on clomid and got another three months to go. I avoid people and situations where I might be asked if I'm pregnant or trying. After this we can go on a waiting list for ivf but I'm considering paying privately because I just can't wait anymore. I don't know how some of you who've been going for years get the strength from. My husband is 38 so I feel like we can't wait much longer. I'm really trying to stick to diet but I'm failing. I'm a size 8 but a healthy diet is meant to help pcos

isthismummy · 26/11/2016 08:58

MrsH14. It is life changing isn't it? It's been less than a year for us and already we are both sickly nervous wrecks constantly at each others throats. I really hope that your DH and yourself get good news with his sperm results.

FluffyEwok. I've found for healthy eating that just completely clearing our flat of anything unhealthy works quite well. We still have chocolate a few times a week, but try to stick to good quality dark for the antioxidants. Having said that we had an indian takeaway last night. I think you still have to treat yourself occasionally otherwise you'd lose your mind!

Having said that...DP and I are eating healthily and taking every recommended vitamin combo going, but we both have never felt more run down. Not sure if it's the psychological aspect manifesting itself physically or not?

Dreading Christmas tbh. Avoiding the booze and nice food will be such a drag. Lucky that we're both veggie and so much Christmas food is meat based. Small mercies and all that😊

OP posts:
FluffyEwok · 26/11/2016 14:53

I dont know if i have IR or if i should even bother cutting out crap as i have no confidence any of this will work. Im beginning to picture my life without kids

juneau · 26/11/2016 15:02

I'm going away on a much needed break in a fortnight, but all I can worry about is the damage I will do to my chances if I drink/don't eat healthily. I know my DP will want to and I want to really, but what if harms us?

As regards this ^ I would just go away and enjoy yourself (if you can). Eat and drink what you like - just don't go crazy. A few glasses of what you fancy and letting your hair down sounds like just what you need. TBH I doubt it will make any difference unless you go on a week-long drunken bender. I suspect that anxiety and stress is far more damaging to your fertility chances than a steak and half a bottle of red wine.

Metaphase · 26/11/2016 18:18

I've been trying to get hold of a couple in London. Have had one reply back! But nothing from the other. It's really hard to call them while I'm at work so I have been using the contact forms and leaving my number.

NHS wait is currently 9m from referral to first appointment. That's first appointment, not even starting a cycle, if we even qualify. It's already been postponed once so I'm not holding out much hope. I just can't wait that long. We've been trying two years now, as it is.

I can confirm that my CoE-Q10 tried to murder me this morning. It's like trying to swallow a bullet.

Bloody infertility, it sucks.

Has anyone seen the Amazon Christmas ad? That ending was an unexpected bringing to tears that I wasn't expecting (no pun intended).

bananafish81 · 26/11/2016 18:25

Don't worry about the drinking and eating on holiday

It turned out that my diet in the run up to my third round of IVF was about as shit as it could get (I miscarried 6 weeks prior to starting stims, didn't know we could cycle again so quickly for a freeze all, cycle with no transfer had eaten absolute shite and lived off chocolate digestives for those 6 weeks, got shitfaced on what turned out to be 5 days before starting stims)

I asked my Dr if we should delay the cycle as my lifestyle hadn't exactly been, er, optimal

He said it wouldn't make any difference as egg quality was determined by two things

  1. age (can't change that)
  2. the ovarian environment created by the stimulation (science!)

    I ate perfectly in the run up to my first two cycles and got shit embryos. I ate shit before my third cycle and got brilliant embryos (6 PGS normals out of 9 tested. 1 normal out of my first two cycles put together). Correlation does not equal causation. Healthy eating is good - but basically don't beat yourself up about diet. It's science and luck, ultimately.
bananafish81 · 26/11/2016 18:27

PS the solgar CoQ10 as ubiquinol are teeny

My l-arginine on the other hand are the size of horse pills. And I have to take six of the bastards every day (6g a day!)

Probably ought not to try and shove three at once plus enormous vitamin E and omega 3 capsules all down my throat at the same time. And I wonder why I sometimes gag....!!

Metaphase · 26/11/2016 18:32

6g a day, holy shit! I take my hat off to you. Maybe do them one at a time, though. And I'm going to look up solgar, thanks for the tip.

FluffyEwok · 26/11/2016 18:52

Thats a long wait for fertility appt. From going gp to tests to first appt was 8 weeks. The ivf wait in my area is 18 weeks but we have the money to go private. Weve found a clinic that does 2 cycles for the price of 1

bananafish81 · 26/11/2016 19:31

Metaphase - remember with ubiquinol you only need to take half as much as regular CoQ10

The vitamins are easy (even though they're horse pills!) - I take so many medications for my fertility treatment every day that the vitamins are small beans. I'd take anything if it stopped me miscarrying healthy embryos.

Between pills, injections, pessaries, suppositories and intravenous infusions, there's no orifice via which I haven't taken fertility medications!!

Metaphase · 26/11/2016 19:58

Oh ffs, have I been choking down the less effective version? Marvellous.

Who knows whether any of this stuff will actually do anything to help my poor knackered eggs, but if I'm going to ingest it, it may as well be the rocket fuel. Thanks for the heads up.

Banana, I truly wish you every bit of good luck and science for TTC.

isthismummy · 27/11/2016 23:50

I'm taking 600mg of Ubiquinol daily Metaphase. I should be able to fly to the moon and back!

I'm going to allow myself some fun on my holiday. My vices are chocolate and creamy cocktails, so they will be indulged in moderation.

I really wish you every bit of luck too Bananafish. You deserve it so much.

Had a lovely time eating Afternoon Tea in a fancy restaurant today. Couldn't stand to look at all the lucky people with their cute babies and children though.

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leccybill · 27/11/2016 23:58

Over 4 years now of this bollocks for me. Want to have IVF but too scared of it failing and mental health just teetering at the mo.

Nearly 37 and fucking fed up of it all. Close work colleague has had 4 while I've been trying to have one. Bloody piss take.

Where's the 2 for 1 place, anyway?

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