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Infertility just spoils everything. A brief rant.

136 replies

IsthisMummy · 21/11/2016 08:00

Do feel free to join in with your own rants. It might help me feel like less of a crazy person...

I'm just SO fecking sick of it all. It's like the whole process is designed to just shrivel your soul away a little bit at a time. I've just spent the last few days shagging like crazy with softcups and preseed thinking that I'm about to ovulate. However of course there's NO temp rise today despite me having all the signs of ovulating. Looks like there's every chance of this being ANOTHER anovulatory cycle. So now I have to go to work for the day with that being the only thought on my mind.

I can't get any answers from my NHS consultant who I've been calling for over a week. A private consultant on Friday told me I should consider donor eggs due to my shitty amh levels. I have to go for a HSG on 21/12/16 and I'm terrified they will tell me my tubes are blocked. If they do I will have to put a brave face on my despair all over Christmas (and it's my birthday on boxing day just for extra fun)

I'm going away on a much needed break in a fortnight, but all I can worry about is the damage I will do to my chances if I drink/don't eat healthily. I know my DP will want to and I want to really, but what if harms us?

I'm just so sick of it all. I feel like all the joy has been sucked out of my world and like I'm just a total failure as a human being.

Please tell me others here feel the same? :(

OP posts:

isthismummy · 15/01/2017 10:50

I'm sorry you're feeling the same way Johnolaura. Spending time with friends does start to seem like a massive chore you can't face doesn't it? Infertility has stripped my self confidence to the point where I feel like I have very little of interest to say.

It's even started making me feel jealous of other people's happiness and successes. I've never been that sort of person and even thinking those thoughts makes me feel ashamedSad

OP posts:

Johnolaura · 15/01/2017 18:12

I know exactly how you feel! It's awful but no matter what you do you can't seem to shift these feelings. I feel awful about myself that I don't want to get dressed up or do anything I just feel horrible. It's like there is a brick wall and you can't get past it. I'm starting counceling soon so hopefully that will help. Hope your feeling better, have you spoken to your friends about how you feel? X


Hope2409 · 16/01/2017 22:42

isthismumy sorry to hear the meal with your friend left you feeling rubbish, as johnolaura said people really just don't get it unless they have been through it or are going through it and that makes other people hard to be around.

I know this sounds odd but I'm glad i'm not the only one thats unsociable and feels better shut away at home.
I never feel like going out anymore and would rather stay at home in my pj's under a blanket, infact thats what i did for most of the weekend! Hmm
I don't want to go out and see all the happy families out with their children, it reminds me of what i don't have then i just feel sad and all my friends have reciently had babies and thats all they talk about so i would rather not have to sit there and plaster on a fake smile and listen to their when is it your turn comments.
Its just safer to stay at home, some kind of self protection thing i guess!

isthismummy please dont feel ashamed by what you are feeling i think when going through IVF there is no right or wrong and it is such a massive thing that it is perfectly normal to feel the way you do, beating yourself up about it won't help and your certainly not the only one feeling that way.

I have been putting off visiting a friend who had her 3rd child on boxing day and is in the process of buying a new house because i am jealous of her perfect little life and i know i will feel miserable if i go round and see her. It sounds horrible and selfish but thats how i feel right now, thats how infertility has made me feel, bitter, angry and sad inside. But i just allow it, have good days and bad days and really really hope that one day it will be us holding our own little bundles of joy


Noora · 17/01/2017 00:35

I'm so sorry we have to go through all this... Infertility is such a bitch. Though we are currently in our surrogacy program and our sm is pregnant, I'll never forget what we've gone through. We were ttc for 8 years. I had 3 MCs and unbearable pain hit my heart after each loss. I can't believe that we'll have a baby soon. I ask myself "Can that possibly be true? Or am I dreaming?" I still remember that feeling of emptiness and hopelessness when friends or colleagues were telling me they are pregnant. When everyone around were asking me why I DO NOT WANT to have kids. I want to say to all of you guys, don't give up and keep going! The only thing which matters is our desire to become parents!


Johnolaura · 17/01/2017 15:28

I know exactly what you mean, I feel the same as you I think being at home is like a safety blanket, you don't have to worry about feeling shit or people asking you questions. I know what you mean and ihope2409 I have been putting off seeing my friend. But don't push yourself to much you don't want to feel worse, and get youtself upset. I'm glad I'm not the only one too. And hopefully this horrible road leads us all to what we want. Very happy for you noora and congratulations, you deserve it. Hang in there ladies we can do this x


Hope2409 · 27/01/2017 18:53

Hello all, hope everyone is doing ok!

I braved it and went to visit my friend today who had her 3rd baby 4 weeks ago. Was lovely to see her and great to catch up but it went downhill when she asked how the ivf was going and said have you tried just getting drunk? I said it doesnt work like that. She said well if your body cant do what its meant too i would carry a child for you, i love being pregnant! I said thanks but theres nothing wrong with my body.
I'm sure her heart was in the right place but has left me feeling truly shit!
Especially after we saw our consultant this morning to discuss our failed cycle and he said it all went well it was just one of those things that it failed.
He said i responded well but i was on a fairly high dose of Gonal F for my age and he wasnt sure why, could be that my FSH levels were high but he wasnt sure as he didnt have my results there, if my FSH was high could mean poor ovarian reserve!

So now im really worried and feeling totally useless! Today has been a write off!



isthismummy · 27/01/2017 19:53

So sorry to hear your friend was so insensitive Hope. Is she even serious telling you to get drunk? People really do have no idea do they?

You aren't alone. I'm also feeling shitty tonight over my barren state. Flowers for you. X

OP posts:

Johnolaura · 27/01/2017 20:36

I can't believe your friend said that, people really don't understand do they! I am feeling shitty too ladies xx


isthismummy · 27/01/2017 21:48

It's fairly jawdroppong. I mean...getting hammered or ivf? I just don't know which one I would chooseHmm

OP posts:

isthismummy · 27/01/2017 21:48

Jawdroppong even...

OP posts:

isthismummy · 27/01/2017 21:48

OMG! Jawdropping!!

OP posts:

Whereland · 27/01/2017 22:05

Oh my god she actually knows you're going through ivf and suggested "getting drunk"? I'd have walked out.


Hope2409 · 27/01/2017 22:45

Yes well i ended the conversation pretty swiftly and left to sulk on my own at home!

I mean what a choice, like we would really be doing ivf if it was as simple as getting drunk! It really hammers home just how much people have no idea!

Glad i'm not the only one feeling shitty over our poor situations! Not that i'm pleased that anyone is feeling shitty i wouldnt wish it on anyone but i'm just glad i'm not alone!



sunshinegirl12 · 29/01/2017 09:25

I know exactly how you all feel, it's such a horrible place to be and has totally taken over my life. We were meant to be starting IVF cycle 2 on Friday (cycle 1 failed in November) but at my baseline found a large ovarian cyst so now am back on the pill to try to shift it! Feel like we're going backwards with it all, spent most of yesterday crying I was so hopeful to start again. We haven't told any family / friends, I'd just find the questions all too hard, esp as every one of my close friends either had a baby or conceived last year! x


Whereland · 29/01/2017 09:37

That sounds so frustrating sunshine. Doesn't it seem bizzare to be on the pill when ttc!!
I'm due for my first go of IUI next month, I have my baseline scan on Feb 7th and I'm just dreading being told there's a cyst and they can't go ahead, I'm convinced there will be a cyst there


sunshinegirl12 · 29/01/2017 10:13

Really hope there isn't Whereland and you can go ahead. The same thing happened on my first go of IVF too except that one went away on it's own - all the internal scans I've had done before getting to IVF never showed anything so I wasn't expecting it. It's all just so frustrating x


Johnolaura · 29/01/2017 18:43

It's so crap for us all to be going through this! In struggling big time today I just can't seem to carry on. I'm so desperate for a baby it just feels like it's impossible


pteradactyl · 31/01/2017 08:20

Hi all. Sorry we all find ourselves here. Can I join in with a big rant too?
Infertility sucks. I am so sad and angry that we cannot hve a baby naturally. It makes me feel less about me as a person, and in some way about OH too. Although obviously I would never say that, and I know you're not supposed to think that way but I do. I feel like we are both failures. I'm sick of people asking when I will have another (dd is 7. We started trying when she was 5). I am so annoyed that we have to save thousands and thousands of pounds for a technique which has prettt shitty success rates really. I am angry and heartbroken that we could potentially spend unlimited amounts of money and still never have a baby. I am sad that I feel we have to put our lives on hold a little and cannot go on holiday this yr cos we are saving for icsi. Fine if it was just us. Feel very guilty that dd is 'suffering' too. Really angry that I was going to go part time this year to spend more time with the child I already have but having to save so much money means financially it isn't viable anymore. Feeling completely torn over spending time with the child I already have by going part time and working full time to try and have a baby that may never happen, thus missing out on my dd growing up AND having no baby at the end of it. It is miaerable. Soul destroying and miserable and friends who try to help just make things worse "have you tried just relaxing a bit?" Fuck off. "When we have loads of money, we will pay for you to have icsi" which is sweet really... but you are never going to be able to do that so stop acting like it is an actual offer! And then in the next breath "when me and my oh have a baby..." thanks. Let's just go right there with how easy it is for every other person to have a baby shall we?! I have a dd so I feel a tiny bit lucky about that. Honestly though, it doesn't make it any easier not being able to have a second. It took me a while to conceive dd too and the feelings are exactly the same. But I feel like I can't complain either because I already have 1. Everyone is like oh well, at least you have dd. No. It doesnt work like that


RhodaBull · 31/01/2017 12:36

Some years after the door has closed I still cannot contain my feelings about infertility. The very worst rage I feel is about people who blithely assume that "starting a family" at age 45 or so is quite normal and easy And sneaky celebrities who make out they have magical genes which allow them to breed far longer and with far fewer stretchmarks than mere mortals. The reality for many women is that fertility has gone to pot in mid 30s. And for many men, too.


DogMama89 · 04/02/2017 18:36

Ladies. I'm so sorry you're all going through this, it's friggin pants. And everyone else seems to be looking at an man and getting pregnant. hope I hope you're okay after the comment of your friend, have you tried speaking to her about it.
Baby dust to all


allyproc · 09/02/2017 17:53

Really glad i found this thread as other forums ive looked on (never posted) seem to take a more softly approach, you girls are saying it how ive been feeling, useless as a woman, removed from society as i dont have any children, like im not in the club, everyone having babies and i have to put on a brave face. I also feel like i want to hide away from everyone as its just easier and hate meeting new people now as the first question normally is 'do you have any children' and then get the look when you reply no. Had 4 failed iui and one failed ivf, just about to have FET but not feeling very positive. Anyway just wanted to say thanks for giving me somewhere that i can feel i fit in instead of always being left out.


flirtygertiefromnumber30 · 16/02/2017 15:09

Hello ladies, so sorry to hear you're all going through this too. One of my best friends announced she is pregnant today and it's hit me very hard. Luckily she told me over text so I can get over myself before I see her, but honestly, I burst into tears in the street when I saw it. Now I'm sitting at work reading these threads to try and make myself feel less of a terrible selfish person! I'm waiting to start my first IVF cycle in May and all I can think about is that it might not work, and I'll be back where I started, only feeling a million times worse. Sending lots of kind thoughts to you all today! Flowers


Hope2409 · 16/02/2017 21:09

Hi flirty sorry to hear about your baby bomb today, it really is rubbish, especially when its someone close to you. That was good that you found out via txt tho, gives you time to get your head around things.

You really are not a terrible selfish person for feeling the way you do, it is perfectly normal.
When you have wanted something so badly for so long it is only natural to feel hurt, jealous, angry, upset when people around us get pregnant, we want what they have so easily managed, we will have to see them go through it as they get excited and talk about it all the time and that hurts.
It doesnt mean your not happy for them, its not their baby you want its your own.
It just makes your own struggle more real, makes you realise what you dont have and makes you face what your scared of and that is that it might not work.

When 2 of my close friends announced their pregnancies last year i smiled and congratulated them then went home and sobbed my heart out, it hurt so much. I couldnt bear to be around them watching them grow, hear them talk about it but i didnt want to loose their friendship. I ended up telling them about our troubles trying to concieve so they may understand a tiny bit why i had been so distant.
They have been really kind and understanding and its taken the pressure off me feeling that i have to put on a brave face with them. I dont see them much at the moment but we keep in touch.
My first cycle failed in december and my friend had her baby 2 weeks later, it hurt like hell and i only managed to pluck up the courage to visit her last week but i felt i had to do it and was glad i did. I cried when i got home but then i picked myself up and i'm trying to look forward to my next cycle.

IVF sucks, its unfair, puts your life on hold and makes you angry and bitter but its the only hope we have of reaching our dream.

allyproc i'm glad you feel you have found somewhere you fit in, infertility is cruel, there's no point sugar coating it. In a place where we are all in a similar boat and understand how it feels it is best to just say it how it is, you find you are less alone than you think and that the feelings you have are normal in this situation.

All the best for your FET x

flirty i hope your cycle in May goes well



flirtygertiefromnumber30 · 17/02/2017 07:02

Ah thank you for your lovely message Hope that's nearly made me cry again! So sorry to hear you are struggling too and hope your next cycle goes well too xx


pteradactyl · 17/02/2017 19:49

flirty I sympathise. Baby bombs are awful. My OH's cousins have dropped 2 on us in as many months. And instead of being happy for them, like I was when his other cousin had a baby before we started ttc I just can't help but think how unfair it all is. Not that they are having babies, fair play to them, but that our journey ttc is just crappy and lomg and expensive and seemingly never ending. One of OH's baby bombing cousins has been with his partner for about a year less than we have been trying. Which again, fine, I'm not saying that as judging them, just to illustrate how utterly crap it is.
I also know one of my best friend's is going to start ttc soon and she fell in her first month last time (again before we were ttc) and it's lovely for them but I really won't be able to be as happy for her this time. I also know my other friend has plans to ttc in november when her implant runs out and fairly certain she will also get a bfp way before us as our estimate for ivf is next summer. Im just so so so SO over it all. How crap it is how isolating it is. How miserable it is. F you infertility

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