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Infertility just spoils everything. A brief rant.

136 replies

IsthisMummy · 21/11/2016 08:00

Do feel free to join in with your own rants. It might help me feel like less of a crazy person...

I'm just SO fecking sick of it all. It's like the whole process is designed to just shrivel your soul away a little bit at a time. I've just spent the last few days shagging like crazy with softcups and preseed thinking that I'm about to ovulate. However of course there's NO temp rise today despite me having all the signs of ovulating. Looks like there's every chance of this being ANOTHER anovulatory cycle. So now I have to go to work for the day with that being the only thought on my mind.

I can't get any answers from my NHS consultant who I've been calling for over a week. A private consultant on Friday told me I should consider donor eggs due to my shitty amh levels. I have to go for a HSG on 21/12/16 and I'm terrified they will tell me my tubes are blocked. If they do I will have to put a brave face on my despair all over Christmas (and it's my birthday on boxing day just for extra fun)

I'm going away on a much needed break in a fortnight, but all I can worry about is the damage I will do to my chances if I drink/don't eat healthily. I know my DP will want to and I want to really, but what if harms us?

I'm just so sick of it all. I feel like all the joy has been sucked out of my world and like I'm just a total failure as a human being.

Please tell me others here feel the same? :(

OP posts:

Hope2409 · 19/12/2016 13:14

Thanks johnolaura really hope weds goes well and you get some answers that will help if you have another go x


Johnolaura · 19/12/2016 13:24

Thankyou I hope so too, I will let you know how it goes x


Hope2409 · 22/12/2016 18:38

Hi all, hope everyone is doing ok in the lead up to christmas.
johnolaura how did you get on at your appointment yesterday? Hope it wasn't too bad xx


Johnolaura · 22/12/2016 19:20

Hi it wasn't great we have no funding left and need to save up for another round. Which I'm finding very hard. All I want is a baby! How are you doing? X


Hope2409 · 23/12/2016 21:53

I'm sorry to hear it didn't go great, that is truly rubbish that you have no funding left and have to save up to have another round, it must add a lot of pressure to an already horrid situation and of course adds more waiting.
There are none more patient than those that have been through ivf and fertility treatment.
It really is crap that we have to go through all this heartache to try and have a baby that we want so badly when others are out there having children they don't even want without trying.
I don't know what to say to help you feel better except try to look after yourself, give yourself time to be upset and angry and look forward and plan saving up for your next round, it will happen for you one day xxx

I finished work today for christmas, relieved to have some time off but not feeling very festive. To be honest looking forward to getting it out the way so we can start 2017, hopefully it will be a better year!

I hope you manage to enjoy christmas Xmas Smile


Johnolaura · 23/12/2016 23:24

Thankyou for that, it's nice to feel like I am not alone. I know a lot of people that have had babies, I am having to cuddle them and give them advice without becoming upset myself.
I am trying my best. Infertility is very difficult to deal with no matter the age. I hope so and I really hope it happens to you too.
I will try and enjoy Christmas as much as I can and I hope you do too. I am always avail able to chat if you need someone as I understand what it's like. Are you looking forward to Xmas x


Whereland · 24/12/2016 21:48

It feels a bit surreal to be sitting here on Christmas Eve another year later with no baby. I remember thinking last Christmas "well surely this time next year I'll at least be pregnant if not have a baby". Don't think I'd have believed it if I was told nope, still nothing. Here's hoping it will be a different story this time next year, for all of us.


Hope2409 · 24/12/2016 22:35

Same here whereland when each Christmas comes i think next year we will be pregnant or have a baby and be celebrating and enjoying the festive season but each Christmas rocks round and still nothing.
Fingers crossed next year will be different.

Merry Christmas everyone xxx


Whereland · 24/12/2016 22:56

Same to you hope. I mean I'm not sitting here wallowing, I'm having a nice time it's just more disbelief than anything. And hearing my mother tell me about every second person that's pregnant isn't helping! Anyway, another glass of wine I guess..


Metaphase · 25/12/2016 18:06

Merry Christmas, Ranters Wine

I hope you all ate too much, drank too much and got amazing presents.

May Christmas 2017 be filled with nappies, milk and interrupted sleep for all of us.


isthismummy · 26/12/2016 09:32

Infertilty even likes to spoil birthdays apparently. It was brought me the gift of my period to help me celebrate my 38th.

Fucks sake. Now I have dp saying "but you knew your period was coming" and I want to smack him in the face whilst crying. Ugh.

OP posts:

Johnolaura · 26/12/2016 10:13

It's awful infertility it really is. I expected to pregnant too. It really is heartbreaking. All I thought about yesterday was how different it would have been if both my eggs had fertilised.
Hope you all had a lovely day and fingers crossed something goof happens to us all x


isthismummy · 26/12/2016 10:26

I thought I was handling it quite well until today. It really is just a massive headfuck. It's shocking what it does to your state of mind.

Here's hoping for better things for us all in 2017.

OP posts:

Johnolaura · 26/12/2016 10:43

I know it does that doesn't it, its so emotionally draining!
Hope your okay and can enjoy your birthday, it doesn't help when people are constantly going on about how blessed they are and miracles having babies are x


isthismummy · 26/12/2016 11:13

I hear you Johnolaura.

Even worse is when people tell you to "think positive" I might scream if I hear that again. As if it's easy to think positive about starting an IVF cycle that we've been told in advance probably isn't going to work. "please stay positive about your likely upcoming heartbreak" Ugh!!

OP posts:

Johnolaura · 26/12/2016 11:37

I know it's the worst!! It makes you feel worse if anything! They don't undertake how heartbreaking it really is x


Whereland · 26/12/2016 11:57

The "stay positive" really bugs me too, as if it's somehow our own fault that we're not pregnant? That our ovaries might have heard a negative thought and went "nope, we're not giving her a pregnancy now"!!


Johnolaura · 26/12/2016 12:13

I know I completely understand what you are saying. It's so frustrating, you can't stay positive when your going through something like this. When you want something so desperately and there is nothing you can do about it x


Hope2409 · 26/12/2016 12:48

isthismummy sorry to hear your period has come to ruin your birthday, i hope you can still manage to enjoy it.
It really is shit what it does to you and people just dont get it. How can you think positive about something that drains you physically and emotionally then ultimately might fail anyway. Then your expected to just get on with it and try again!


Johnolaura · 26/12/2016 13:02

I know, I don't think there's enough support offered for us. Your just expected to get on with it x


Hope2409 · 26/12/2016 21:40

Your right johnolaura there isn't enough support for people going through ivf, it is a brutal process and your expected to pick yrself up and carry on.
Roll on 2017, i will be glad to see the back of this year! X


Johnolaura · 27/12/2016 10:27

I know, your right hopefully 2017 brings luck and happiness for us all x


Hope2409 · 27/12/2016 19:39

Hello ladies
Had a set back today, woke up to a txt and photo of a friends new born baby girl born late last night. Proper ruined my day, knocked the wind out my sails.
I am happy for her but i'm also sad for me at the same time.
Its just not fair, that is her 3rd child without even trying, not planned, she wasnt even that pleased about it when she found out, then when she found out the sex it was a girl and she was like 'oh great i wanted a boy'. She smokes like a chimney, eats crap etc....!
How is that right that she gets 3 children she doesnt even appreciate and i dont even have 1! It is just not right!
Now all i can think about is her at home with her newborn and us at home with an empty house. And no doubt i will be expected to go round an see her new addition, i just dont think i can!
Gosh this sucks! Confused


Johnolaura · 27/12/2016 19:53

Bless you I am in a very similar situation with one of my frinds too. It's so unfair and really does make you feel rubbish! You just don't even know what to say Life is so unfair. I'd do anything for a child. I'm finding it hard to even talk to her x


Hope2409 · 27/12/2016 20:04

Same here i just messaged back congratulations, i didnt know what else to say but i just didnt want to talk about it.
My other friend had a baby in September and ive only seen her once since, we have kept in touch by txt but i just havent be able to face them.
I find it hard to see them and dont want to hear them talking about their babies but at the same time i dont want to loose them as friends, before this infertility bullshit we got on so well and sometimes i miss that.
Ahhhh its just so shit! Sad

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