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Infertility just spoils everything. A brief rant.

136 replies

IsthisMummy · 21/11/2016 08:00

Do feel free to join in with your own rants. It might help me feel like less of a crazy person...

I'm just SO fecking sick of it all. It's like the whole process is designed to just shrivel your soul away a little bit at a time. I've just spent the last few days shagging like crazy with softcups and preseed thinking that I'm about to ovulate. However of course there's NO temp rise today despite me having all the signs of ovulating. Looks like there's every chance of this being ANOTHER anovulatory cycle. So now I have to go to work for the day with that being the only thought on my mind.

I can't get any answers from my NHS consultant who I've been calling for over a week. A private consultant on Friday told me I should consider donor eggs due to my shitty amh levels. I have to go for a HSG on 21/12/16 and I'm terrified they will tell me my tubes are blocked. If they do I will have to put a brave face on my despair all over Christmas (and it's my birthday on boxing day just for extra fun)

I'm going away on a much needed break in a fortnight, but all I can worry about is the damage I will do to my chances if I drink/don't eat healthily. I know my DP will want to and I want to really, but what if harms us?

I'm just so sick of it all. I feel like all the joy has been sucked out of my world and like I'm just a total failure as a human being.

Please tell me others here feel the same? :(

OP posts:

Johnolaura · 27/12/2016 20:12

I know exactly what you mean, I am the same with my friend. I love her to bits it's just very hard to deal with it. I just don't know what to say and don't want to see her either. It's such bullshit feeling like this πŸ˜”


Blondeshavemorefun · 28/12/2016 10:23

Infertility sucks !!! :(

If you have to pay for it as I did (took 5 times to fall preg) then look and research abroad. Much cheaper then U.K.


Johnolaura · 28/12/2016 17:50

Yeah I will have to look into it. Another family member pregnant Sad


Hope2409 · 28/12/2016 20:33

Oh no sorry johnolaura that really sucks x


Johnolaura · 30/12/2016 21:44

Thankyou it really does x


Mungobungo · 30/12/2016 21:57

Can I join too please?

It'll be 10 years in June and still nothing.

2 ivf cycles and one miscarriage later and where are we? Still the only childless couple that we know. Infertility breaks your soul into tiny pieces and shits all over them.

Thinking about using the two embryos that we have frozen but I'm terrified to start it, going through it all again and for what? Would I prefer never to get pregnant again or risk another miscarriage? Couldn't say because either isneqially painful.

I'm sick and tired of periods - the body's cruel reminder of yet another failure and this month myboobs hurt like hell post-ovulation yet I know that there's no baby there because there's been no sex because I just don't want it since the last ivf round messed with my hormones. I'm so broody it's unbelievable and I'm around newborns all day long and the smell so goooood. I just want one to keep!! Shouldn't be too much to bloody well ask should it?

And now it's post Christmas and I'm so fat that I had a proper double gunt overhang in my work trousers today which has made me feel shit because when trying for a miracle you shouldn't be remotely fat or unhealthy. I'm not ready yet I'm so ready that my head spins and my heart hurts and I don't even know where to begin after an 18 month treatment break for sanity's sake.

I don't even think that makes sense. Sorry.


Johnolaura · 30/12/2016 22:13

It makes complete sense! I know how you feel, it's an horrendous feeling and feels like your dying when you have to pretend to be all happy with all the newborns and giving them cuddles. It breaks my heart I don't even know what to do. It's not getting any easier is it?


Hope2409 · 30/12/2016 22:46

Welcome mungobungo

What you wrote makes perfect sense, it brought tears to my eyes because what you wrote is so true and heartbreaking. Its just not fair, why should anyone have to go through this xx


Johnolaura · 30/12/2016 23:11

I agree it's very hard for us all, if only there was away the pain and heartbreak would go away x


Blondeshavemorefun · 30/12/2016 23:25

Mungo. I kinda know how you feel as ttc 10yrs and took 5 ivf tho never got preg and mc - think that would have distroyed me πŸ’πŸ’

The 5th worked was our 2nd fet

I think you have to try the frozen ones as you will always wonder what if ......

A fet is much kinder to your body drug wise and quicker usually 20days in total


Whereland · 31/12/2016 02:11

Jesus why is this all such a shit show? Totally understand what you're trying to say. Have had baby bombs left right and centre last de weeks. Good friends of ours tonight told us they're expecting their second. We both did such a good job of smiling and saying how fantastic it was- I could just feel the two of us crying inside. We just looked at each other and didn't have to say anything.
Why does it have to be this way? We are good people and would make good parents. I don't know. It starts making me think I don't deserve a baby or something.


isthismummy · 31/12/2016 07:38

Whereland. You DO deserve a baby. Even more so for all the shit you've been through to try and have one. Flowers for you.

Horrible train ride home yesterday. Baby of about six months grizzling away in his pram clearly wanting to be lifted out. So what does his mother do? She starts feeding him McDonald's fries to shut him up insteadShock

Jesus and possibly the angels wept.

OP posts:

helterskelter99 · 31/12/2016 07:43

It's shit but if you get to hold your baby honestly it's worth it.
4 years later I remember the pain getting there and appreciate my miracle everyday

(Shitty AMH, multiple miscarriages, 4 rounds of IVF, immune issues blah blah blah )

Xxxx. Lots and lots of luck everyone


Hope2409 · 31/12/2016 20:25

Happy New Year everyone, i hope everyone gets their wish in 2017 xxx


Johnolaura · 31/12/2016 20:41

Happy new year guys! Hope it's a better year for us all! Drink lots of wine and be merry x


Hope2409 · 01/01/2017 15:02

I have a quick question, does anyone take CoQ10?
I currently take and have done for bloody years now the pregnacare conception vitamins but i feel for my second cycle like i should be doing something more or changing tactics.
I've read about other stuff but not really sure, people seem to take omega 3, vitamin d, ubiquinol, and folic acid in addition to a multivitamin and some even more vitamins, does anyone else take any of these? X


Blueroses99 · 01/01/2017 15:33

Happy New Year ladies.

I took CoQ10 in my most recent cycle Hope, as well as a pregnancy vitamin, vit C, Omega 3 and vit d drops. CoQ10 apparently invigorates both sperm and eggs.


Hope2409 · 01/01/2017 16:09

Thank you blue please can i ask what coq10 you used, there are so many out there and they vary in price i'm not sure what is best! X


Zombiemum1946 · 01/01/2017 16:45

It might be just what you need. Breakaway from the mind fuck for a couple of weeks . You obs won't be able to forget' but just being able to get away from it all, soak in the sun have fun . One of the most important factors in getting through this is trying to take care of your mental and emotional health. I had spent 12yrs trying to accept I probably couldn't have children. I had non weight related pcos . It took 4yrs of poorly done vaginal ultrasound ,poorly taken blood . Senior nurse accusing me of not having enough sex !!! Bloods wait and see. Ovarian diathermy wait and see. Progesterone and clomid . Metformin, progesterone, and clomid . I had lost so much weight because of the metformin that I was 6st4lb and taking build up soups to try and keep me going. I started to worry that the weight loss would prevent getting pregnant. Huge arguments and guilt with my partner. The constant questions, getting your hopes up every month. People asking if I was anorexic offering me all sorts of food when all I wanted to do was vomit. The metformin was a last ditch try before ivf and luckily it worked. The whole situation could have been anticipated and possibly prevented had the geriatric arsehole of a gynecologist investigated properly when I was 16. He asked (in front of my mum) if I sexually active or planning a family at that time. If not there was no point in doing anything. That my concerns didn't matter. Oh and if I did decide to try for a family I would need medical intervention. I have epilepsy which they now say has been impacted on by the pcos. The icing on the cake ? He told 5 medical students that the vaginal pain I experienced, was psychosomatic (especially in girls with aspirations to the nursing profession as I did at the time) as I lay on the exam couch legs akimbo with them all staring at my bits. I think he thought I wouldn't understand the big words. Had he investigated properly some of the physical and psychological damage caused by the pcos could have been prevented. It may also have affected my breast cancer which was found 3 days before I was about to start the clomid for baby number 2. After the chemo, radiotherapy and tamoxifen my periods became regular and at 39 I had baby no 2. It's a strange mental torture that you need to try to give yourself some respite from if you can.


Blueroses99 · 01/01/2017 17:07

Hope Biocare 200 High Potency from Amazon. It's pricy but Biocare was recommended to me by a nutritionist as it is better absorbed than others.

Zombiemum Flowers


Zombiemum1946 · 01/01/2017 17:24

After 12yrs of thinking I couldn't have kids I looked in to adoption. My mum was supportive and I felt a sense of relief. To my horror my mother in law said she couldn't love an adopted child as it wasn't blood and you never know what your getting. The pain of not being able to conceive maxamised by the rejection of what I had seen as my answer .This coming from the woman who's daughter had caused untold damage and pain to those around her. She was under section in a locked ward for the 2nd time in 6mths at the time and who's children were traumatised beyond belief. I told her you don't know what your getting no matter blood or not. My sister in law would let no one but us look after her kids when she was sectioned. She then accused me of turning her kids against her because I wanted them for myself . I told her we had stopped treatment in order to look after her kids and it was more likely the drink, drugs and verbal abuse that was doing that . It broke my heart to give them back to her knowing she was off her meds again and their life was going to be difficult . Knowing that my mother in law was colluding in the lies to social work. They were 150 miles away and I could do nothing to stop it .


Hope2409 · 02/01/2017 15:18

Thank you blue, i have ordered some from amazon, enough for me and DH, i also popped to the shops today and got some other vitamins so from today will do pregnacare, vit D, folic acid, vit C, zinc, vit E, omega 3 and coq10! This second round best bloody work!!!

zombiemum so sorry to hear about all you have been through, big hugs Flowers


Johnolaura · 02/01/2017 19:52

I think you are all very brave and strong to go through something like this, it breaks you completely and I believe we can all get through it with time and support if our loved ones x


isthismummy · 15/01/2017 09:32

Went out for a meal last night with a friend I hadn't seen for a while. I'm starting first IVF hopefully next month.

Friend asked me during conversation if I would consider adoptionSad She then said that she kind of knows how I feel because she lives with her partner and his children who aren't hers.

My friend has never wanted her own children. How the f**k can she know how I feel?

Feeling so shit today. Another close friend told me a few days ago that she's concerned I'm not the sociable, outgoing person I used to be.

They really have no bloody idea do they?Angry

OP posts:

Johnolaura · 15/01/2017 09:52

People see very insensitive to this situation and have no idea what tour going through unless they have been through it or going through it themselves. Don't give up hope, hopefully your treatent will work and you will get your baby. I know what you mean about being unsociable. I am the same at the moment I can't bring myself to be around friends. You feel better shut away so then you don't have to talk about it x

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