Shouldn't parents be teaching freshers life skills before university?

[RampantIvy]

I am still on the WIWIKAU Facebook page as DD is a post grad student.

I keep reading posts from parents of freshers students worrying about how their student DC are going to manage cooking, laundry and other life skills.

Isn't it our job to teach them those skills? Why on earth haven't these parents done so?

I admit to challenging one parent in the past about this and got my post deleted 😁

I mean, I'm closing in on 40 and am still scared of the dark....

Why is it an issue? I sleep with a nightlight on, always have.

I'm also terrified of butterflies. Less of an easy one to solve.

I get the impression that some parents lack this.
This is such a smug comment!

Some young adults need support, and some are just closer families.

Why do you assume you're doing it right?

I never knew my kids' timetables, but I don't look down on other parents for doing things differently. If their kids are decent people, that's good enough for me.

Something like a third of adults have a fear of the dark.

I couldn't agree more- my parents didn't teach me and it was a disaster.

It's hard to do though. I'm trying to teach my 6 yo and every job I include her in takes 3x as long.

I agree OP some of the things on some of these uni websites have been pretty ridiculous. My thoughts are that if the young person is bright enough to be at university then they can figure things out for themselves and if not they can go ask someone or use the internet. Yes parents can be on hand for advice and guidance but wanting to stay at a hotel close by for ‘settling in’ a 6ft grown man is just too much.

Childhood has been extended and lots of people view their kids leaving home to go to university as a way to help them grow up. I wasn’t actually bothered about that with my DC, DC1 is at university and doesnt live at home but lives locally and that’s great. I have bugger all to do with their day to day life, it was easy for them to keep going with the part time jobs they had at school which helped them develop a sense of responsibility, they don’t come home when term ends. But they do know we are nearby if they need us, they come over for dinner sometimes or we meet up and go for a hill walk. Parents are
much more involved than they used to be when their DCs are growing up (I know I was compared to mine) and university does bring accountability but not in the same way that a job does so I don’t think it’s a massive surprise that life skills are less developed.

Childhood has been extended and lots of people view their kids leaving home to go to university as a way to help them grow up.

Childhood hasn't been extended - adolescence has.
The modern scientific understanding around brain development is that the transition to the full adult brain takes longer than previous generations understood.

There's a competitive approach amongst some parents around early adulthood, they compare a lot and judge a lot. But life is a long road.

That’s true but the levels of responsibility people expect of their DCs has in general been dialled down. Humans have kicked around for hundreds of thousands of years and until relatively recently would have spent all our lives together in extended family groups, everyone learning from each other and roles evolving over time. I think one of the most important life skills is being able to identify when you need help and knowing how to find and to ask for it.

Reminds me of going to the offer holders day with my son. When they were invited to ask questions she asked if there was someone who would go and get her son up if he missed his alarm and didn’t attend a lecture. Apparently he was ‘really bad at getting up’ and needed someone to go and get him up. She was quite put out when they said ‘no’ and it was his responsibility to get up and be in time for lectures. She then followed it up with ‘would they ring her if he wasn’t attending lectures so she could sort it out’. Another big fat ‘no’!, 😂😂😂😂

I was the first in my working class family to go to uni - this is not a reason to helicopter your child, and I’ll put money on it not being those parents that do it anyway 🙄

I wasn’t mocking anyone’s fears. It was the fact that mum was asking what do about it. Get a nightlight 🤷‍♀️

I think a lot depends on the young person. DS1 had no interest in learning anything domesticated before he went to uni and by accident ended up in catered halls which turned out to be a blessing. He managed to do his own washing and put a few meals together at weekends but is still pretty hopeless around the house. DS2 who’s 16 on the other hand cooks for himself at home a lot and regularly changes his bed, hoovers his room etc.

Do people not teach kids basic cooking, cleaning and budgeting, throughout their lives?
I always thought this was a big part of parenting a child.🤔

Well given many adults don't cook, clean or budget, obviously you're applying your approach to life to everyone.
Do you imagine a parent who has a serious budgeting issue is sitting down teaching their kids to budget?

It's not about helicoptering, it's about asking questions.
You don't know what worries your own parents may have held before you went. Alternatively, they may not have given a crap.
Parents differ, that's ok, what matters is how you are in yourself.

Comparing historically, the level of independence expected of the early adult is much higher. They go off to study, live alone, commute etc etc.
Historically they'd have been in their parents home or close by with their own spouse.
Plus our world is way, way more complex.

I think it’s different. For most of our history we would have life skills within the context of playing a role in a family group which we wouldn’t have been expecting to leave. Before mass transportation; even if you lett the household you’d probably have been nearby. The dynamics are different and there has been so much change that it can be hard to work out what support should look like and how much to give.

Historically people had to master a narrower variety of skills. Very few women at uni, very few men turning on a washing machine. Farmers didn't know how to mine, miners didn't know how to farm. Scullery maids didn't know how to weave, weavers didn't know how to do domestic service.

There's a lot asked of humans these days. Then people criticise parents for caring if they can manage.

When they were invited to ask questions she asked if there was someone who would go and get her son up if he missed his alarm and didn’t attend a lecture. Apparently he was ‘really bad at getting up’ and needed someone to go and get him up.....

Wasn't her son cringing at all this? Maybe it was an attempt to shock him into getting his act together.

Don't parents on these forums think about their children's privacy? I've seen it here on MN - 'my DS is studying x at y university and is in z halls of residence and has this particular issue....'

I would argue all these skills should be there long before going to university.

I've seen that aswell, picture of kid, room number in halls, what they are studying. It's crazy, the parent is just asking for trouble

I have also seen some pretty cringey posts that could be identifiable with some naming their halls, block, etc. I can’t imagine how that might be helpful for a young person already struggling.

Are you talking about the "your brain isnt fully developed until you're 25" thing? Because that's largely been debunked, or at least it cant be used to justify young adults being complete incompetents. It partially explains why young adults tend to have a higher appetite for risk, less impulse control etc but it doesn't explain why an 18 year old student cant cope with a train cancellation or a spat with a friend without calling their parents for help.

It's not a new thing, when I went to uni (over a decade ago) a guy turned up that I genuinely didn't know how he survived before. He'd gone to a very very posh boarding school that did EVERYTHING for him.

First day I had to show him how to cook pasta (literally just the pasta, no sauce or anything - too complicated). Next day tried to replicate it and forgot to put the water in and nearly set the place on fire. Quickly came up with a house rule couldn't be in kitchen unattended and this genuinely lasted over a month.

Was always seeing him with shopping bags. Eventually found out had no idea how to wash clothes so was just buying new and had a clothes mountain at the bottom of the bed when he asked a couple of months in when someone came to take them away for cleaning...

Was lazy to the point of risking killing himself. I saw him about to leave the house when it was snowing outside in a t-shirt, shorts and flip flops ... dude what are you doing? He was going to the library to work (20 minutes walk!) and said he didnt want to wear more because inside library was too warm. Why not wear a coat you ask? But then I have to take it off when I get there he whinges.

You'll be pleased to know he's spent the past decade 'finding himself' before starting his first real job as vice president of his dads investment firm.