Husband unwilling to support son financially through university

[Lozza70]

Sorry quite long so good if you get through!

DS1 is quite academic and is about to enter Y13. He did well in GCSE’s with seven 9’s, three 7’s, distinction in further maths and an A in HPQ. He wants to persue vet med and is currently predicted A*.

The issue I have is that DH has stated he does not want to support him in university. He would get minimum maintenance loan so we would need to top up and if he is successful in going into vet med I know there would be little time for a part time job, though I know it is possible. I could support in topping up though I have recently been made redundant so would need to dip into savings.

Neither DH or I went to university and started work at 18 with both of us working our way up to senior positions. I think this is one of the things tainting my husbands view on this matter. Plus the decision from DS1 to get into vet med when up to last year he always talked of another career which he could access from 18 with an apprenticeship approach. DH thinks our son is not really committed and this is just a fad but he has done loads of work experience and is still sure this is what he wants to do. I have asked if he did another path at uni would he support but he is of the same view. Generally DH is not ‘tight’ with money spent on the family so this has come as a surprise.

I suppose I’m disappointed as I think we
should be proud DS1 has the ability to access uni and we should support that. Has anyone had a similar experience and how did it work out?

Is your husband jealous of Ds going to uni? I can't think of any reason, except finances, to not support your child through uni. When you have children you know you are in it for the long haul

I told DD she should marry her girlfriend - friends - obviously and she get a higher loan - neither own anything - so nothing for a ‘divorce’ - she never did!

I know he's not estranged now. I mean he could choose to become estranged and cut contact with both parents so get finance for university. It can be triggered by the child. Its not a great solution but given the Dads attitude he's not left with a whole load of options if the Mum can't find a solution.

There is one on the way-
https://skillsengland.education.gov.uk/apprenticeships/?keywords=vet

This is a really bad situation all round. If you can afford it but he won’t that’s just awful. Very different from not being able to afford it.

Agree I have twins supported them through to PhD never regretted it as they are living a fantastic life.....I just don't understand your husband

Yes if they are married or in a civil partnership before they go it’s done on their income and nothing to do with parents.
2 students on min loan could potentially get another £40,000 in loans between them over a 3 year course if they marry plus probably some none repayable bursaries. For sake of £175 marriage or civil partnership it’s potentially a big windfall.

It’s much more complicated, to be classed as estranged you are meant to have had no verbal, physical or written contact with either parent and certainly not living with them.
I think the best way is to show the husband his assumed commitment is to Google Martin Lewis articles where he clearly states parents should make up the gap, eg a minimum loan of 5k assumes parents will make up the shortfall of the other 5k (rough figures).

Yes this would seem precisely that kind of situation especially given that there’s no other way for the boy to pursue his chosen career.

Family of vets here! Please please support your son!

Well obviously to be no contact you aren't going to be living together. I've known children do it, not an easy path.

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/students/university-living-costs-calculator/guide/#!England

Send him this.

My first thought is that either your husband genuinely does not understand that financial support is necessary to go to University now, or he has a bit of an attitude about your son "getting above his station."

However, if my husband tried to block my academic, determined child from accessing higher education, especially in a prestigious, practical and vocational subject like vet med, and I couldn't get him to see sense it would be potentially relationship ending.

Not true. The divorce can say, and often does say, (mine did) that maintenance must be paid until end of education inc uni, or 23, whichever comes first. So if still at uni on 23rd birthday the parent doesn't have to continue paying. The op needs to push for this in the settlement if it comes to that.
Also, op, if you are separated or divorced then the student finance will only be based on the income of the parent the child lives with. I realise you might be very well paid but if not, he'd get more student loan if living with you.

It absolutely does. Speaking from 2 generations of experience. My parents and then my own. My kids maintenance was ordered by the court to be paid until the end of education including uni, or age 23, whichever was sooner.

There are are 8 applicants to every place on vet med courses in the country. A, you have to have a ton of work experience with animals before you apply and B, every single holiday through the academic year you will be expected to work with animals to gain more experience. Getting a paid job in this sector for summer is extremely rare unless you have family or friends who can help with this. Most vet med students are from a veterinary, equine or farming backgrounds.

In some ways l understand why that your husband may I hink your son is acting on a whim. So he is not convinced.

However, when he gets his exam results. Could he not take a year out and do some charitable, unpaid volunteer work with animals with an organisation like the RSPCA.

Or maybe Overseas in an Animal Sanctuary?

This would give him some real world experience.

This can happen but I don't think it's common and it also wouldn't factor into student finance applications.

Is your DH jealous of your DS ' achievement ? What an awful person your DH is, your DS won't probably have enough money to survive as the grant is based on the family income, what does he expect your DS to do, rob a bank to survive or eat out of dustbins?
I would not put up with that, tell your DH that if he continues with that attitude it will be the end of our relationship.

I’m with this person! Your husband is being a

I get where your husband is coming from. University is very very expensive now, you really do need to be properly committed. Could your son maybe do a Gap year and work in the industry, this would help him prove to your husbands he’s committed and make sure it’s what he wants. It’s win win

I saw an ad for bursaries for male vet students in a vet training hospital
admittedly two years ago. Wouldn’t know if it was running this year without googling but might be worth a look.

also, your husbands ‘approved’ route for gaining a degree might also be just as difficult to get keep and succeed at, that I think he’s being a bit harsh deciding which subject and route his son should study. We tried all the apprenticeship routes and got to second or third rounds of interviews on many. Didn’t get to the offer stage though. Had we not had all routes to play for, Mladdo wouldn’t have had a place to go come September.

This was only possible because the non resident parent is in a high salary, if he wasn’t, it would have been until September after they are 18 as other people suggested.

Agree. We are downsizing to pay for our DC education.

And I've gone grey as a sacrifice so not paying to have my hair coloured any more. I'd give my children every last spare penny for them to live their ambitions.

Same here we did without lots of things but both my husband and I were desperate for them to have the best chance. Although have to admit the Scottish system helps

This. A shame your DH has this stance and a shame for your son.