Husband unwilling to support son financially through university

[Lozza70]

Sorry quite long so good if you get through!

DS1 is quite academic and is about to enter Y13. He did well in GCSE’s with seven 9’s, three 7’s, distinction in further maths and an A in HPQ. He wants to persue vet med and is currently predicted A*.

The issue I have is that DH has stated he does not want to support him in university. He would get minimum maintenance loan so we would need to top up and if he is successful in going into vet med I know there would be little time for a part time job, though I know it is possible. I could support in topping up though I have recently been made redundant so would need to dip into savings.

Neither DH or I went to university and started work at 18 with both of us working our way up to senior positions. I think this is one of the things tainting my husbands view on this matter. Plus the decision from DS1 to get into vet med when up to last year he always talked of another career which he could access from 18 with an apprenticeship approach. DH thinks our son is not really committed and this is just a fad but he has done loads of work experience and is still sure this is what he wants to do. I have asked if he did another path at uni would he support but he is of the same view. Generally DH is not ‘tight’ with money spent on the family so this has come as a surprise.

I suppose I’m disappointed as I think we
should be proud DS1 has the ability to access uni and we should support that. Has anyone had a similar experience and how did it work out?

They don’t exist in Vet Med.
I know some people think apprenticeships are a magic solution to student debt ( which is a discussion for another day) but the reality is a traditional university course is often the only or best option for certain courses/careers.

You have a very academically talented child. It seems very mean of your DH to take this stance if some financial support is affordable.

A quick google and there are options for support, a few bursaries and scholarships exist for the most driven students and from year 3 ( when pt jobs aren’t possible) there’s paid placements eg vets for pets and potentially the army if willing to commit to serving with the army for a period (dogs and horses I suppose, occasional goat mascot). If he really wants it and gets a place he can defer to earn money prior to starting too - not condoning his fathers attitude but there are options

I studied vet med. Like most of my contemporaries I am no longer a vet. It's not just the issue with time around the course to fit in a job - all his holidays will be taken up doing EMS weeks essential to the course so no potential to work and save in the holidays. He needs to speak to some vets about how much flack vets get from owners who don't appreciate the cost of treatment thanks to us having the NHS.

This

What a crappy attitude he has towards his son’s success in life! This would give me the ick

With those predicted scores your husband needs to wake up a bit.
You can work your way up in many occupations. Of course.
But in order to get in at the first rung in some you will need a degree to start. They won’t look at you without.
There are too many people who will have one. And they will start them off first.

Your husband is comparing his experience in his world against many professional occupations and it is not how it works.

Perhaps your husband would be persuaded by literature about becoming a vet and what it takes. Go to talk to one? Although I suspect your husband would not go.

Do you think he might be jealous of his son ? It can happen.

If he gets these grades, please find a way to support him.

I’m sorry but this would be a deal breaker for me; I’d suggest you divorce too.

And if that household is a divorced non working mother only he will get more than the minimum loan.

is your dh saying he won’t top up the max loan? Because that is the expectation. I mean I get if you can’t afford it then you can’t afford it but it sounds like your dh can afford it? In which case not topping up to the maximum loan isn’t fair on your ds, he’s been penalised for your dh’s income. I mean the system stinks, but ultimately that’s the system.

and really if your dh can afford it he should be topping up my more than just to the maximum loan isn’t loan amount because these days that’s not enough for a student to pay accommodation and live on.

Thanks. If he were to go for a later start with independent student finance after three years, it might be possible for him to work with animals during those years. Surely this would help him with securing a place? Even if not, it's be a great start.

I obviously don't know the ins & outs of Vet Med, but most universities have more flexible criteria for mature students. This is partly because of the additional experience gained after school. At 22, I felt very worldly-wise compared to my 18-year-old classmates!

Assuming junior vet/zoo positions pay lousy money, he might still need to live with his parents - although alternatives may well present themselves once he opens his horizons beyond the school-to-uni pipeline.

I worked jobs with on-site accommodation, as Dad also threw me out once I'd finished my A-levels.

It will be difficult for your ds to concentrate on his A levels plus applying for Vet. Med. which in itself can be pretty arduous, with that sort of parental attitude and lack of support. Your DH may well be scuppering his chances and motivation of doing well in anything if this goes on. You need to give your dh's head a big shake.

I assume this isn’t serious suggestion, but wouldn’t have to support through uni only upto A-levels/sixth form

DS could disown you (no contact for 12 months) and apply for student finance as an independent

If you divorce then your son will be able to borrow the maximum amount if you are on a low income. My Goddaughters had to do this when their parents divorced and their Dad walked away. Their mum earned less than £20k whereas he was earning well over six figures.

If my DH had said this about either of ours my marriage would have been over. I would not stay married to someone who refused to do anything to support his DC’s reasonable ambitions. Your DS is a high achiever so has a decent chance - he’s not being silly.

Vet Med though...

What's your ds's plan? Is he expecting his parents to fully support him through 5-6 years of full-time uni? Is he planning on contributing? Saving now, gap year to work and save?

I expect to support my children through uni and started saving a long time ago...but if they wanted to do vet med, we would really have to sit down and see what support we could give. And I think the child might need to be super academic, not quite academic, due to competition for places. It's a big commitment and sounds like a fairly recent decision to want to do vet med. My friend just finished but she wanted to do it for years so her parents knew what was coming! Do you have other children who would expect similar support?

You're married, there is no his money or your money. I would be very clear that he changes his mind or it'll be divorce and you use your 50% of the assets to support him. What a shitty dad.

Ouch !

It's a real shame he's thinking your son is just on some sort of fad with his career choice. Does your son chop and change? Not that it should matter - he's young and that's exactly what being young is about, exploring options.

I am another person who went to Uni, 23 years old. It was after grants finished but before fees came in, but my parents income had nothing to do with anything. If he doesn't get in next year or just impossible without help from his parents, can he work for a year and save like mad? This alone would show your husband that he's serious.

I hope though that your husband changes his mind.

Good luck with your future relationship with your son if you go along with this.
I know a girl whose mum moved away and paid the rent on a house for her for a year because she didn’t want to go. She successfully put an application through for full loan as she was classed as estranged.

How us your relationship with your dad now?

I work at a university and have worked as a careers adviser/ucas adviser in schools. Of course he could defer and start later with independent student finance and yes, universities do look at mature students differently (although very competitive courses such as Vet Med will not be as straight forward as other courses) but if he has enough experience and the right grades at the end of year 13 that would just be delaying entry into his career. That would be a shame. Not the end of the world, but a shame if the only reason he’s delaying is because his dad won’t support him.

That is really shitty of your DH. The expectation is that parents of students who only qualify for the minimum maintenance loan due to their parents' high income will top up their child's maintenance amount.

Your son may need to apply for a hardship loan from his University on n the grounds that his father refuses to support him financially, even though he can afford to do so. Your husband will look really bad. He should be ashamed.

What a complete tossed you are currently married to. I would have to divorce him if I was in your situation.

Tossed not tossed - see above

It’s very sad that your DH has this attitude. Does he not want his children to be more comfortable than what he was. I totally get there are apprenticeships which to be honest are more cost effective currently I don’t think there are any for veterinary surgeons

I don’t know anything about Vet Med, but it’s very sad to see you DH not being supportive of such a bright son wanting to study further.