Husband unwilling to support son financially through university

[Lozza70]

Sorry quite long so good if you get through!

DS1 is quite academic and is about to enter Y13. He did well in GCSE’s with seven 9’s, three 7’s, distinction in further maths and an A in HPQ. He wants to persue vet med and is currently predicted A*.

The issue I have is that DH has stated he does not want to support him in university. He would get minimum maintenance loan so we would need to top up and if he is successful in going into vet med I know there would be little time for a part time job, though I know it is possible. I could support in topping up though I have recently been made redundant so would need to dip into savings.

Neither DH or I went to university and started work at 18 with both of us working our way up to senior positions. I think this is one of the things tainting my husbands view on this matter. Plus the decision from DS1 to get into vet med when up to last year he always talked of another career which he could access from 18 with an apprenticeship approach. DH thinks our son is not really committed and this is just a fad but he has done loads of work experience and is still sure this is what he wants to do. I have asked if he did another path at uni would he support but he is of the same view. Generally DH is not ‘tight’ with money spent on the family so this has come as a surprise.

I suppose I’m disappointed as I think we
should be proud DS1 has the ability to access uni and we should support that. Has anyone had a similar experience and how did it work out?

There's a lot of discretionary grants, awarded by various trusts.

What rubbish advice. Once 18 he is an adult.

Of course it is, the government reduce loans based on parents income because the expectation is that parents will make up the difference

Most students apply for a student loan for their fees and a maintenance loan, not all parents ‘top up’ .

Is your H refusing all uni support or only Vet school?

Is there a reason your son can’t work part-time for the next 2 years and save towards his education?

FWIW both of my DC worked from age 16, with DC1 working through to the end of uni, then started a full time job and DC2 is on a placement year, so getting paid and also saving for 4th year.
Is this not the normal way to fund uni?

(We did top up their maintenance loan for accommodation, is your H not even considering this?)

It's the parent's job to make up the difference between university loans and the real cost of university, google it and you will see the rates you are supposed to provide! Unless you get the full loan, which most students won't.

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/students/university-living-costs-calculator/

OP, I'm a lone parent and my priority is to pay for my kids to go to uni, which I have been doing for the past few years. I could never view someone the same that didn't have the same priority, education and a good career path is everything for most people and it's strange this is not the case for your husband, or perhaps he wants to see if he sticks to this plan for a while.

Many students have to work on top of the loan and the parental contribution as it still isn't enough. In high stress/intensive courses like medicine and vet science, most students cannot work alongside the course.

That's why well-off people are privileged; they get to go to uni and do courses poorer people can't afford, and hence they end up more privileged again in the next generation. I would do anything to give my children that 'leg up'.

@Lozza70 It’s great you and your husband have worked your way up to
your careers. Your son has the opportunity to go to university to study a valuable course which will led to a job. I wonder , as a family, when did you start saving up for your child’s university fees/experience ?

Peak parental cuntery by the 'D'H.

CN you afford to support him?

Always! But particularly since grants were no longer available. Apparently 18 year olds are adults but maintenance loans are based on parental household income. Also accommodation providers years ago spotted that university parents were cash cows to be milked dry.

Well, if you've missed the fact that the amount a student can borrow is dictated by the amount that their parents earn then yes, you've missed something. The minimum loan will not even cover accommodation in 95% of cases.

My Mum is very similar sounding to your husband. It’s really hard not having parent support, it can be done but it’s tough.

I was a fairly bright student capable of going to uni , but my Mum couldn’t get her head around it. You left school at 16 and got a job. I tried to go to sixth form, worked 2 jobs was expected to pay my own way completely at 16- it was hard and eventually I dropped out, my biggest regret. I’ve done ok eventually but it’s definitely been a harder path.

I never wanted the same for my own children, I wanted them to have choices. I couldn’t imagine not finding a way to support them they don’t just suddenly turn 16/18 and suddenly an adult.

My Dad apologised recently for my Mum not helping me with opportunity for uni, while I do understand the situation some part of my wanders why didn’t you 30 odd years ago stand up to her.

It was the same before student loans. Grants were decided based on parents' income. You had to fill in the form even if you knew you wouldn't get any grant at all to get the fees paid.

Grants also often required parents to top up. If they didn’t get the full amount, which was often. And parents often did not top up.

Indeed, but many people who do not have children around uni age are under the impression that because students are now loaned money rather than given it everyone can have the same.

Not so here. Sorry.

I think this is very sad. As a mum, I would be horrified if my husband took the attitude you describe, and I don't think I could see past it to be honest. You are caught in the middle, which is really difficult, however I think you have to support your son here,

Is there no room for compromise at all?

If your son agreed to work and save hard in a gap year, ideally in a job involving working with animals, could that possibly persuade your husband to change his mind?

Any chance of your husband being willing to go along to a university open day to understand more about the course? I've found that friends who haven't been to university have unrealistic ideas about how "foreign" or far removed it is from other walks of life. They all without exception supported their children to go there however.

My father did the same to me, the difference was I'd got into university early, was only 17 at the time (I'd done A levels a year earlier too).

Point blank refused to pay. I wasn't entitled to any financial support/grants as he was a very high earner - my mother didn't work.

I worked until I was 25 and then went as a mature adult. My parents split when I was 21 and I'd been total no contact with my father for 4 years by that time...33 years later and I still am. I doubt he even knows I've now got 2 degrees and a masters.

It would be a deal breaker for me, couldn’t be with someone unwilling to support his child. It’s very difficult now its reliant on parent income.

Don’t exist anymore in the same way . And why should the government pay just because OP’s husband is jealous of his own son’s opportunities ?

To blindly support a child in a chosen career path that is seemingly doomed to failure given the numerous responses on here?
The DH might be the only person with some common sense here. OP hasn’t shared what his actual reasoning is for withholding support, only guessed at his reasons.
And the idea that she should divorce him over this as a serious option rather than work together on a solution like adults is ridiculous and childish.

Yes you are.

Unfortunately the government decided that maintenance loans for students should be means tested based on parental income.

The more a students parents earn, the less they are allowed to borrow. Parents are expected to make up this shortfall.

Your son sounds highly intelligent and academically minded. I would want him to have the pleasure of higher education not only the work related reasons for going.

(Speaking as someone who loved uni even though it hasn't contributed particularly to me earning much )

Vets employed by the big corporates, which is now probably most of them, don't earn big salaries. Large animal vets have never earned big salaries.

Average pay for a vet is under £60,000, starting salary low £30,000s, after studying for 5 or 6 years with little chance of working to keep their debt down while studying.

People do it because it's a vocation, not to earn fortunes.

They always were, or they were in the 70s. It's one reason why I don't have a degree.

But my generation did not think they had an automatic right to be supported through university by our parents once we reached adulthood.

Yeah you’re missing the fact that parents have ALWAYS been expected to support their kids through uni. Assume you didn’t go and your kids won’t either?